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Adult Sons, any good experiences?

(117 Posts)
Biscuitlover Fri 20-Jan-17 13:43:28

I have two young sons aged 2 and 4, we are highly unlikely to have anymore. I love my boys and I was never dissapointed to find out they were boys.

However, I do receive a lot of negative comments about how every woman needs a daughter, how I will have no one to look after me when I'm old (my own mother said this) and my very least favourite ' a sons a son til he finds a wife..'

I also dread becoming a hated MIL. Maybe I'm lucky in that I get on with my own mother in law very well, but I've been around Mumsnet long enough to know this isn't always the case.

So if anyone has any positive experiences with their relationship with their adult sons I would love to hear!

Anya Fri 20-Jan-17 14:17:26

Yes. My adult son puts his wife and two children first, but I think I'm next in line. And that's how it should be. He's a lovely man and I'm very proud of how he's turned out and especially how's he's coped with what life threw at him.

Love him to bits, and his 'girls" ❤️

annodomini Fri 20-Jan-17 14:26:12

I could not be happier about my sons, both now in their 40s. I would like to live closer to them - I have to take three trains to reach either. My elder son at times caused me some anxiety, especially after his father left us. He went off the rails a bit. However, he was never less than an affectionate son and once he settled down with his lovely wife, he has progressed in his career and is an exemplary father and husband. I am always welcome in their home. A number of times they have taken me with them on holiday to France and we are going again this summer; last October, I had several days in a caravan in Dorset with them. Their children are teenagers now and show every sign of being, eventually, responsible adults. In times of stress and bereavement, I could not have had better support than I had from my two sons and their partners.
My DiL and I get on very well indeed. Before they married, and he went south to work, she stayed on with me and did supply teaching until a job came up for her in the vicinity of his job. My other son is also supportive of me. Two years ago, he took me on a city break in Rome. We had a wonderful time - have a lot in common like a love of languages and an interest in antiquities. His partner has also lived with me while he got established in a job and she got part-time work locally. Now they have very good jobs and two lovely sons who are growing like weeds! I'm also welcome in their home whenever I feel like a break.
So, you see,*Biscuitlover*, although I have no daughters, I have loving and supportive sons and daughters in law who are the daughters I never had. I know how fortunate I am, but I wonder if the complaints you hear are from the vociferous few and those of us who are happy with our sons and their families don't feel the need to broadcast it.

harrigran Fri 20-Jan-17 14:37:59

I have a DD and a DS and he has always been close to me. DS is married and is the father of my only GC. DD lives abroad so we can not do mother and daughter things but I am very lucky in having a lovely, caring DIL.

downtoearth Fri 20-Jan-17 14:52:26

My son is a caring hardworking young man..we have a strong bond,I have always had good relationships with girlfriends and partners,and even though different relationships have come and gone ,several still keep in contact with me..he has always remained loving ,caring , supportive of his old mum...we have the same humour and just "get" each other...I love him dearly ....but actually like him as a person too

willsmadnan Fri 20-Jan-17 15:05:16

Anya says: 'My adult son puts his wife and two children first'. If only more MOFs would realise that's how it should be there would be fewer postings in the 'Relationships' section.

J52 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:15:31

I have two adults sons and IMO they are very fine young men. They both work hard to provide for their wives and children. They are respectful and considerate to us, their parents.

My DILs are lovely young women, both quite different from each other, but wonderful mothers. As a MIL I realised that they did not need another mother or anymore friends, so I'm a hybrid - me!

On becoming a MIL, wise, older MIL told me ' the best opinion to have is no opinion!' I've stuck with that and we have never had any fallouts! We let them row their own boats and get on with our lives.

grannylyn65 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:19:04

Yes, my two sons are very different, one is a responsible family man, and the other, well......!

DanniRae Fri 20-Jan-17 15:41:15

I am happy to report that my son is thoughtful, hardworking and loving to his mum. He was born when my daughters were 13 and 11 and I feel so blessed to have both daughters and a son.
My daughters are great too - I just wish that at least one my 3 children had given me a grandchild! But I haven't given up hoping that it will still happen grin

M0nica Fri 20-Jan-17 15:48:09

I think the thing is, when everything is going well there is nothing to report, so it is only those with problems and needing help or consolation who we hear from.

I have one of both, but only my DS is married with children and I can say that he most certainly wasn't the problem child. My DiL is a delight, I do not know how he persuaded such a lovely girl to marry him. In fact both families have melded into one. When we went 'up north' to celebrate the other Grandma's 80th, she thanked us for coming because it was so nice to have all the family round her at her party - and that is exactly how we feel. We are one family that extends to our DD and her other DD. I am fully aware just how fortunate we are

My son remains my son, even though he has both wife and children - and lives 200 miles away and one of the things that concerns me most is that it should be assumed that DD should take all responsibility for us should we need it just because she is female and single. We have discussed this with both children. Hopefully we will do what my parents did; live to a great age entirely independent and able to manage their own lives.

I also had a lovely MiL. DS was an only child but she never ever clung to him, so we looked after her and cared for her to the end.

mumofmadboys Fri 20-Jan-17 15:53:03

I have five sons and no daughters. Before the boys we sadly had a stillborn daughter. I think I am very fortunate to have five healthy lads but I would have loved to have had a daughter as well. Over the years we have had ups and downs with the lads but generally they are a caring bunch. That's not to say there isn't always something or other to worry about!

Biscuitlover Fri 20-Jan-17 16:05:20

So sorry for your loss mumofmadboys I can't imagine how hard it must be to loose a little one.

Thank you all for your replies, I've enjoyed reading them, it's certainly nice to read positive stories.

I want nothing more than for my sons to be happy in life and I have no desire to stay as their number one woman, I just don't want to be forgotten that's all! I just hope I can be as good a MIL as mine has been to me.

annodomini I certainly think you are right in that people are far more likely to complain if they are having problems. I think that's the problem with reading things on Internet forums!

Auntieflo Fri 20-Jan-17 16:39:18

We are lucky enough to have two boys and a girl. Our DS2 was born when the other two were 12 and 10 years old. No 1 son, is a wonderful husband and Dad to his 4 children, and is about to become a grandad. He has worked so hard to provide anything within his power for his lovely family. If we ever need him, he would be there like a shot. Our daughter is all and more than I deserve. She is a wise and caring wife and Mum, and also about to become a granny, this year. My health has not been too good this past couple of years and she is there for us, sometimes before we know we need her. No 2 son has turned out to be such a lovely young man. He also is married, with a toddler, and is a real hands on dad. He phones regularly and although they live at a distance, he comes as often as he can manage. I can't believe how blessed and lucky we have been with all three. I love them all. Thank you my children.

Luckygirl Fri 20-Jan-17 16:48:20

I have only DDs, but I just wanted to put in a word for sons-in-law. Mine are all lovely and we get on just fine!

nanaK54 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:48:42

I am enormously proud of my two adult sons and I get on really well with both of my daughters in law

I would have loved to have had a daughter, in addition to the boys but it wasn't to be.

Mair Fri 20-Jan-17 17:21:05

My DD said that she thinks when DILs and MILs do get on well its often because the MIL doesnt have a DD so the DILs become substitutes for the daughters they never had. Those MILs who have our own DDs in contrast are almost always going to be closer to them than any DIL our sons provide for us!
I think she makes a good point.

BBbevan Fri 20-Jan-17 17:24:42

My son is the best ever. Funny, Very quirky and artistic, honest and generous. He is a wonderful father to our two GDs and a very loving husband to our DiL. Just wish they all lived nearer. I love him to bits

Elegran Fri 20-Jan-17 17:32:27

I have two daughters and a son, so I have one daughter-in-law ans two sons-in-law. I see as much of my son as I do my daughters, and all three of the in-laws have become "family".

There is a saying that the way to keep your family is to let go of them.

Devorgilla Fri 20-Jan-17 17:37:29

Perhaps the old saying is true. 'A son's a son 'til he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter the whole of her life.'

Annierose Fri 20-Jan-17 17:47:33

Oh biscuitlover, don't I know! I have 4 adult sons, and my sister has only girls. Over the years we have heard so much nonsense of the kind you describe.
We too saw our children as individuals, not stereotypes of any kind,and we encouraged them to blossom as they wished, and I am deeply proud of them all in their different ways.

Here are my tips:
If you do mourn for a daughter, admit it to yourself, if not to anyone else. I wasn't at all sorry to have only boys, but I have quietly 'said goodbye' to the daughter whose fate it was not to be born.
Make sure that your family has a good female dimension in it, through wider family & friends.
It is easier these days, but I made sure that our children did sports and activities that welcomed both sexes (Woodcraft Folk instead of scouts for example, but would not be necessary now)

If you love your children for who they are, then you will love those that they love. I get on very well with the 'daughters of my heart' and feel greatly privileged to have them in my life. They are wonderful young women and bring their own qualities to our cherished family.
This post demands honesty, so no false modesty - I genuinely think that they love me and value my place in their lives as well.

To people close to you, such as your mother, have a chat along these lines: if my sons are to find their way in this world, be valuable members of society, and to have their own loving families, they must know that they are cherished for who they are, so I would hate them to hear such negative things.....
To others: begin with a Paddington-style hard stare, then say "I feel very fortunate to have such healthy, happy children".

If you have the kind of sons, and daughters of your heart that I have, then you will be fortunate.

Elegran Fri 20-Jan-17 17:49:14

No, it is not true. He becomes a husband, and his primary bond is with his wife - that is right and proper, and his good relationship with his mother when he was young and single will have prepared him for his new role, but in general he still loves his mother and treats her with affection and respect.

There may be some sons who transfer all their attention to their wife and give up entirely on their role as a son, but that doesn't mean that it is a universal truth.

Annierose Fri 20-Jan-17 17:49:58

Just want to add, these comments sort of put you down - don't let them! Take the initiative to bring up the kind of sons you wish.

Elegran Fri 20-Jan-17 17:50:28

That was to devorgilla

morethan2 Fri 20-Jan-17 17:59:30

Lucky lucky you. Two little boys to love and be loved by. I have two boys who are now men. Seeing their close relationship warms my heart. All you need to do is support them wholeheartedly, let them go when the time comes. Don't you worry they'll always come back. Being a MiL is tricky but can be immensely rewarding. But for now enjoy those sons of yours. I envy you, I miss those special hugs and kisses from soft cheeks and chubby arms. I get whisker kisses now and big strong arms wrapped round me. Almost as good but not quite smile

Biscuitlover Fri 20-Jan-17 18:08:35

Thankyou elegran I do hate that saying!

Lovely post Annierose full of good advice.

Really enjoyed reading these replies, it certainly offers a different perspective to all the mumsnet MIL threads.