She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

I also meant to say Nelliemags that I'm very sorry that you have been so hurt by this old lady's remarks. I think you sound like a really nice person and I'm sure everyone on here agrees that you have gone well beyond what most people would do to help an elderly neighbour.

I think it would be best to go and see her and tell her you overheard the comments and tell her how hurt you are. See what she says. I agree you should do less for her but give her a chance to explain/ apologise. I am sorry you have been so hurt when you have been so kind. Please let us know what you do. xx

I'm afraid I'd cut all contact. Ungrateful and rude. Let her carers deal with her. I would have ditched her on account of her difficult views tbh.

Ask her out right. Then if it's true return key hold your head up and walk away not hide behind a note.

What do you get out of helping her so much? If it gives a shape to your day and you enjoy it then be careful about stopping it.

I have friends who work in care homes, they say that routinely old people tell their families that they don't get baths or good care etc.... and the care staff have offered baths and been refused.

It does seem to be a symptom of old age for some people, cantankerous behaviour (I've had it myself for years) and I know plenty of older friends who have suffered from it.

If you would not suffer any personal loss then I would withdraw now. She does have carers and is capable of using the phone to get help, she has family so she is not alone.

What she said about your husband was cruel, so she has the capacity to be ungrateful and unkind. Plenty of other people would welcome your help and bless you for it, as I do, bless you for all you have done for her. Time to protect yourself now.

What sad and upsetting things to hear - you must have felt awful. If your neighbour is, as you say, sharp and unclouded by any mental state, then I would certainly sit down with her and tell her calmly what you heard, and then just wait for her to respond - don't mention being upset or anything else, but just see what she has to say. I cannot imagine that there is any explanation for this other than that she meant what she said but after all these years it is fair to give her a chance, and you have clearly been kind, and fair towards her. If I were in your shoes I would then tell her that I couldn't help any further, given how badly I was thought of, and return her key. I hope you get over this and feel better soon - this is not how things should end when you have been kind.

It sounds like she exaggerated to get extra sympathy from the person at the other end of the phone. At your expense. Its manipulative. Let it go. You sound absolutely lovely. You are the better person.

Just talk to her that her carer came round and that you had a good chat about the car situation
You could say that you came round the other day but heard her on the telephone so you let yourself out again but not before you heard her talking about you..then wait to see what she says... if you walk away at least you will have closure on what's been a close friendship

Only one bit of advice. Call it a day with your neighbour and tell her in no uncertain terms why. Then let her stew, she will need you long before you need her. Remember "if you do your best it will be for the best"

Stand back, life is too short to be doing good deeds for someone who is unappreciative. I think you need to let her know you overheard that phone conversation but she may well deny having said what she did. This post resonated with a situation I was in and it is very hurtful.

Don't concern yourself with the key proof thing. What's to have stopped you from having copies made? Back out gently but firmly with satisfaction of a past kindness very well done. And I do mean VERY WELL DONE.

I can only add to the support. Yes, she may have been given a slanted view of the incident with the carer, but to take it at face value and add her insults about your marriage break-up might be showing her true colours! Also, some people just like to gossip and relish it. I would not be surprised if she disparages others in her circle. And a church-goer?

Time will tell should she becomes infirmed and confined to bed at home and sees that not many will come round and will have to rely only on paid carers.

Oh I feel so much better this morning, my 75th birthday. I realised when going over it all yesterday that MrsM became narky when my husband wandered off as I always say. He was absent much of our marriage climbing mountains and shut away reading books. After 40 years he met a woman he liked and took himself off. It was a blessed relief but hardly my fault.
I'm not going next door until I have to when she calls for help and then will tell her how her words shocked me. If she apologises I will eat my proverbial hat and I will let you know.
Again, thank you all

I just wonder how many people can honestly say they do not "slag off" people they know, people they love, friends, relatives, husbands etc, behind their backs? We seem to be a great nation of being nice to people's faces and rude behind them. On the other hand if you tell people their faults to their faces they usually can't take it and sulk or are too sensitive to accept the criticism and don't speak to you again! Your friend may be extremely grateful for all you do for her on one hand but not get on with you in a personal way.

Surely she'll acknowledge your birthday after all the care you've given over the years!
Best wishes to you ?

Ironic really how doing a good turn comes back to "bite you on the bum". Makes one wonder just how much appreciation there was in the first place.

This reminded me of my late MIL and there is a possibility of Dementia. Plus old people can be incredibly nasty (especially the women for some reason). In my opinion this may be due to their lives coming to an end, being frightened of the unknown or possibly as a previous poster commented, to get the sympathy. Their lives have narrowed sustantially with age and they exaggerate every little incident into a huge drama. That said if I were in your shoes and to avoid any further hurt to yourself, I would definitely give her keys back and withdraw your kind efforts. She has a carer so she's not completely isolated and you have done more than enough!!

Nelliemaggs Just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY ,hope you have a lovely day,doing things you want to do, and ????? here is some flowers for you too x

They say listeners hear no good of themselves. It reminded me of a memory I had buried deep. I was at University and a girl I thought was my friend had broken her leg. She was spending most of the time in her hall of residence so I popped round to visit her to cheer her up.

Imagine my dismay to hear her talking about me in the most horrible terms. I was about to turn the handle when I heard my name and then some terrible lies being shared with another girl I'd also thought was my friend.

Perhaps I should have gone in and asked them to justify what they'd said, but I crept away, and it was a very long time before I trusted anybody.

In retrospect [I was 19] I could have burst in and asked them what on earth they thought they were saying. And perhaps you could have done that. I suspect the two girls knew they'd been overheard [they were over-the-top nice to me when we next met] and I wonder if your neighbour also suspects?

But I didn't.

And I also wanted to tell you about my Mum [in her 80s] who became horribly depressed because she was doing way too much for others and not enough for herself. She sold her car to my daughter last year because she was being taken for granted by so many. As she recovered from her depression all she heard was "when you are better you can take me shopping/ to the hospital appointments/ to church etc. in your car. I have missed you being able to drive me to..."

As soon as she told them she was selling the car she felt so much better, and others have filled the gap for all her erstwhile friends.

One lady in particular expected car trips at least once a week. and had never paid or even offered to pay for petrol. Over about 15 years. She has suddenly found she has enough money to pay for taxis - but she has never once asked my Mum if she can get shopping for her, or whether she'd like to go out with her in the taxi.

It is hard, but if this neighbour of yours has carers, it might be better to return the key and stop worrying!

Hope you have a fantastic birthday today! ?

Likely to be a symptom of old age more than anything else, but you're not obliged to keep helping her at all and maybe this is the time to pull back a bit, doing just what you feel you want to-and if that's nothing, so be it. It may be different if she was closely related but there will be other people who can help her-if she needs it.

Happy birthday Nelliemags and have a lovely day. Start your new year with a smile and enjoy your life

Happy birthday to yooooooooo tra lah!!
Hope you get your problem resolved. It's horrid hearing 'untruths' about ourselves isn't it. As lots of others have said above, I think (for your own peace of mind) that you need to mention that you heard what was said about you, and then stop doing so much - yes, you can be there in emergencies, and if it helps to 'fill your day' then you could do the shopping, but I'd 'back off' somewhat! Hope you get this resolved soon...

it is sad but not surprising , I have often a similar conversation with my wife about the way she look after my daughter and son in law house ... my thoughts are you can always help someone if they ask but it you do a lot of shores for someone else without been asked ,it will be taken for granted and you should not expect thanks and the person you help will not think better of you ..

A very Happy Birthday, Nelliemaggs!