She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

I also meant to say if you continued to help her to the same degree as you did before, you would always begrudge doing so, wondering what she is saying behind your back. My experience with my MIL was one weekend she took a turn for the worse when we were visiting her and I decided to stay overnight because I felt we just couldn't leave her. We called the Dr out early the next morning and when she finally turned up, I went back in to thank said Dr and MIL took one look at me and screamed 'NO GO AWAY' however all smiles for the Dr though.... That was only one incident but there were frequent subtle little digs (and some not so subtle) about one of her SILs while we were visiting on many occasions which made me wonder what was being said about me behind my back.

This happened to me with my 90+ year old aunt. She didn't have dementia but she started to tell me about 'Christine' (me) who had not been very nice to her husband and she has a temper and you wouldn't want to cross her. All that had happened was that my DH had driven us to her hospital appointment and had taken the wheelchair back. He was gone ages and I said 'I bet he's taken it all the way back to the department when you just leave in the entrance'. She said don't have a go at him, which I didn't and I certainly don't have a temper. They sit on their own all day and stew over things and they grow out of all proportion. If you mentioned it I doubt she would even remember. You sound a lovely person to do all that you do so try not to get too down about it.

I do think people can become very self centred as they get old (er).But there is no excuse for bad mouthing someone.
I'd have to raise it with her .do agree back off You could make your own increasing age (ahem) and the fact you obviously have other caring responsibilities as a reason too .Are you in the same social circle?Presumably not but I'd want to know if she's said anything to mutual friends or acquaintances about you

Have a good birthday nelliemags put neighbour out of your mind today . If she wants to know why you haven't been round tell her you heard her on the phone and was very hurt . You have been a very good neighbour .??

You have been a wonderful neighbour, I hope you have a Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Nelliemags. Hope you have a lovely day. We need more people like you in this world !

nelliemags what a lovely person you must be, firstly to look after this lady for so long and secondly to even consider carrying on helping her . I would post the key back and withdraw your services , saying " No wonder her husband left her " is unforgivable how ever old she is .

I'm so glad you are feeling better and Happy Birthday to you.
I would have to explain to the neighbour that I'd overheard what she said and how it made me feel. That would be after she'd noticed how much less available I was being and that she'd had her key returned. Maybe she'll work it out anyway.
She has other carers in place and relatives.

Enjoy your birthday Nelliemaggs!
I agree with those who say it's probably to do with old age. And as Chrissy says 'They sit on their own all day and stew over things and they grow out of all proportion.'
I used to visit an old lady, and lent her a book. The next time I visited she wouldn't let me in as I was a thief. She said I'd stolen the book from her.
Things get distorted and they don't remember right.
But I definitely think you shouldn't visit your neighbour again.

I would have to clear the air one way or the other with the lady concerned and move on in whichever direction chosen depending on the outcome.

Happy Birthday Nelliemaggs

I feel for u, obviously u were very hurt and u are a caring sensitive person.
If u totally withdrew your help and she then fell ill, or got hurt etc I think you would feel awful. Obviously she needs to know why. I personally couldn't confront but I'd need to give her a very carefully worded note along the lines of " when I came into your house recently to offer help I heard u on the phone talking about me. I resolved the matter about the career and told her she can park there now that I know where to get her if I need out my drive. But I am so hurt about what u said on the phone about my husband and about me that I am unable to come to yours so much. I will of course help in any emergency. "

Nelliemaggs

I had something similar two years ago, where I had done some shopping for her(94) and when examining her bank account a couple of weeks later, she said 'there is thirty something pounds been taken from her bank account and she doesn't know what it is' I said to her I will telephone the bank and ask whose signed the cheque' When the bank said who the signature was I was 'oh' thats me! You know what it was? her M&S shoppiing which I bought for her gave her the receipt and she gave me a cheque. I was mortified that she implied I was a thief! but it did explain why she went through carer after carer. Its easy to feel sorry for someone because of there age but believe you me if they are a horrible person they are horrible. I wouldn.t bother explaining because what you heard is who she is, if that makes sense?

I think you have been such a star and it's so hurtful to hear your neighbour talk about you like that. Yes I would return her key through the letterbox with a letter saying why. I would do it when her carer is there. I would just state the facts without judgement on either of them but would also say how hurt you are by the situation, and that it's better if someone else supports her now.
Do nothing else, just wait and see what happens. But even if she apologises, things can never be the same again and you should not be so accommodating.
Look after yourself. You sound like a lovely lady and a wonderful neighbour xx

I've just caught up with this thread again Nelliemaggs, and I also hope you have a birthday that's at least one filled with peace of mind now that you've got things off your chest. I think you'll feel better when you've told your neighbour how upset you have felt, though in slight mitigation she probably does sit dwelling a lot and that, together with inherent unpleasant personality traits, caused her to say what she did. Get on with your own life now. Find other things to do. If you are a joiner, join things. The new you starts now, ?

I think you have done enough for this unappreciative woman, but, on the other hand, if you withdrew your help and something happened to her like a fall, you would feel really bad! It's a tricky one! I think you should gradually cut down on what you do for her and explain that you will have to be spending more time looking after your grandchildren, but that if she has a real emergency, she can always contact you. Having said that, I used to help an elderly lady who lived a couple of doors down, take her to doctor's appointments etc. as she was completely neglected by her two sons, who weren't very far away. She was very difficult and wouldn't listen to any helpful suggestions to make her life easier and was only interested in herself and never asked how our family were. The last straw was when she rang quite early in the morning and asked me to go round and remove a spider from the wall!
I was in my nightie at the time, so I told her to deal with it herself! On the other hand, it was a good thing we had a key, as when one of her friends came round to take her out for a meal, ands she didn't answer the door, my husband went round with her and they went in together and found the old lady on the bed, having had a stroke, and were able to call an ambulance. If your lady has sons, they should definitely be helping out more.

Just re-read your post and would like to say happy birthday and don't worry about her. If you have been looking after her for 20 years, you are older than she was when you started helping her, so I think you need a bit of cossetting yourself!
Just tell her you can't continue as you are getting older yourself! Have a lovely day! (It was mine yesterday!)

Happy birthday Nelliemaggs. I have left you a cake on Anya's birthday thread.

Happy birthday Nelliemaggs! You're obviously a very kind lady but she is not your responsibility, even though you have been effectively caring for her for many years.
Above all don't let it upset you, very old people do tend to get wrong ideas in their heads.
I agree with others who suggest that you should back off gracefully and avoid getting sucked in again. As she has nice carer(s) she will be fine, and there are organisations who can arrange transport for medical appointments.
If you have caller display on your telephone you can avoid answering her calls. I hope that you are not the person who is called when she presses her care link - if you are I suggest that you get in touch with them and tell them that they should call elsewhere. As Phoebes suggests just say that "you can't continue as you are getting older yourself".

Happy birthday Nellie
Hope it brings everything you enjoy!

Aw Nelliemaggs what a difficult situation. I'm sure you've been a wonderful neighbour. Perhaps too good .... And to hear mean remarks about you must be so hurtful.

As several have suggested, time to hand her key back and suggest she has one of those key box things and and a button alarm she can carry around. I expect she was having a good old gossip and making it up as she went along.

I don't see the point of discussing what you heard with her ..... Too upsetting for you both. She has her carers and perhaps her sons could start stepping in now and again. At her age she's never going to change.

Here's some ? for you.

Happy Birthday! I'm going to throw in my twopenceworth, which most would probably disagree with. But I simply don't get involved with neighbours. I can chat, help out if required and do the odd favour, but I never get involved. Both my Mother and MIL developed dementia and nasty gossip and comments were the first sign. My MIL would accuse us all of stealing from her, told everyone who would listen and was very nasty about her DILs. That is what worries me about being too involved with neighbours who are getting on a bit and maybe not as nice as they once where! You could land in all kinds of trouble.

I'm afraid I would - in your position - cease all contact with this elderly neighbour.

Not only has she been found out for the ungrateful so-and-so that she is but she may very well start making unfounded and malicious accusations that you are letting yourself into her home and stealing!

It does happen - either people imagine these things happen, or they mislay something and jump to the wrong conclusion and just stick the blame on the easiest target to hand.

You can't afford that kind of flack - mud sticks. Get away from her NOW!

This is not something you can just walk away from without getting a clear explanation from your neighbor because there are always two sides to every story. You've been there for her over ten years but people of advanced age often forget how to show appreciation. Having said that, she does NOT get a pass for bad mouthing you with others. I would have an honest discussion with her just to clear the air, but be prepared for a less than satisfactory explanation. In the end, have no regrets that you were there for her. It speaks very highly of your character and your kindness. She on the other hand, will soon realize how much she needed your help and how badly she behaved towards you.

Both my Mother and MIL developed dementia and nasty gossip and comments were the first sign.

That was my thought about MrsM, although she may not be at the point where the dementia is obvious, she could be in the early stages. At 91 the probability is high.