Walking on eggshells

Me too, mumof. I most definitely share anything with my dm!

Apart from being judgemental generally, she had this way of making challenging things in my life all about her. So I daren't share any difficulties in case she turned it into a drama about herself and her worries. Which made things all the more worrying for me as I didn't want her on my conscience in addition to my own dilemmas....

I grew up feeling very inadequate and still feel inadequate at the age of 57! Ffs...

I have five boys so it really was a struggle trying to keep the house clean and orderly and I worked. I will always feel sad that I couldn't share the difficult bits of family life with my mum and only the good bits. I only remember once having it out with her on the phone but nothing changed. Maybe her mum was like that. My MGM died before I was born.

mumof yes, that's me too. My mother was very judgemental too. It was hard trying to be perfect, to have a perfect life, to have an immaculate house, relationship, beautifully behaved child etc just so that she wouldn't criticise. The reality of my life was very different!

I just wasn't good enough, I guess....

However I think I was also an easy target. My mother was rather unassertive in reality, and took out much of her frustration on my father and I.

My mum was quite critical of me/ us about our child rearing, housework, garden. I learnt to largely ignore it and not be too hurt but in consequence I never shared the bad things with her. So I never said I had had a bad day with the kids or anything like that as it just resulted in criticism. Sad really.

Older women.

One written especially for women.

I think a book on assertiveness might be useful.

Icanhandthemback....I agree with you whole heartedly Damned if you do and damned if you dont

There is a book called...Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T Mason and Ms Randi Kreger..it is about Borderline Personality Disorder....just a thought...might possibly be of use.

My parents and my mother in law were not overly interfering but from time to time did comment on our adult life and our children. We did not always see thing their way! I am sure they had never considered that as a result they might no longer have a relationshop with us or see their grandchildren. We would never have dreamed of denying them access or distancing ourselves from them because of a difference of opinion. Both seem commonplace now. Is that where at least some of the eggshells come from? Apologies if this point has been made before, I haven't read all posts in detail.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one
I had kind of thought that being a grown up, I could do/say what I wanted.
When my mum recently passed away, I found the whole thing more stressful because of constantly walking on eggshells - smoothing over, and generally aware that 'things' may be said, and 'people' may take offence.

my son is coming over on Sunday, told me me he would be bringing a teenage gc or two with him. Fine said me but I am cooking a Sunday roast of beef and I want no moaning about don't like this that or the other, so if they don't like it, then stay away and come another time. Ok said son with a laugh we will see who wants to still come over but I will definitely be coming.

I sometimes feel I am getting it wrong from both directions! My DM has always thought she can advise (instruct) and say exactly as she pleases to me. She wouldn't dare do the same to my sister who would fly off the handle. I tend to bite my tongue or deflect. My DD will fly off the handle if I say anything she dislikes and I have always felt like I walk on a knife edge with her. However, I do try to frame things I am concerned about in a tactful way with her. Either I'm becoming more tactful or she is mellowing because being a grandma seem to be easier with her.
I do think that we've brought our children up to fight their corner rather than being seen and not heard so we are reaping the consequences.

Love Anya`s comment . Does walking on eggshells only apply to DD`s, Dil`s and not sons ? It seems so from all the posts so far . I don`t walk on eggshells but any advice I wish to give is done tactfully and often indirectly ie `when so and so was a baby we used to do .... , when he was having a wobbler etc . I think tact is the key . I remember my own MIL saying that she could have breast fed the whole ward when I was having problems feeding my new baby in his first days . I remember feeling an utter failure .

MissAdventure I certainly don't miss walking on eggshells as I am estranged from my DS etc. It was hard work.

With their first child, 'someone' had advised them no solids until the child was one year old. On the one weekend a year I was invited to stay, I still remember my DGC looking wistfully at the toast I was eating whilst my DS made up her bottle.

I did express an opinion to my own DM, and it got back with consequences but boy was I glad when a health visitor (I was told) put them right.DiL up to that point wouldn't listen to anyone.

Yes, I think so, when you would dearly love to say something..

It seems normal to respect grown children, not pry, not ask questions or give opinions and advise. Is this egg shells?

I often bite my tongue about matters such as getting babies to sleep. My dd is generally pretty chilled but when I HAVE said anything - only because I was wanting to make her life easier when she was so tired - she would take it as a criticism.
Now I just keep quiet.
It seems to say in the modern parenting bible that breast fed babies must be fed 20 odd times a day if that's what they seem to want, including on and off all night, even at 6 months old.
So who am I to argue? Having had two in the olden days, when parents knew nothing and did everything wrong, I have to keep quiet.

I'm not at all an egg treader but I am regularly a lip zipper. I think much of the free speech is between natural parents whereas ILs are often on a slightly more formal basis. My own DM would certainly never hold back with her criticism or praise. I think I have learned from that..........

I would say I'm on good terms with S & DiL but, even at that, I wouldn't risk becoming a persona non grata just because of an opinion. It could conceivably happen and, reading previous contributions, I'm very glad that I manage to keep my own counsel. Cannot bear the thought of ever losing contact with 2 GC. Not always easy but.....hey........

I am getting better and better at this egg shell walking as I get older! I've learned my lesson that often a straightforward discussion with DD or asking a relatively obvious question can often result in a very sharp tongued reply that stuns and hurts me all at the same time. I used to go on the defensive when I got these "stingers" from her - but as she is always right and I'm "out of touch" or I get the withering "oh please" look from her, I've decided it's easier and kinder to myself in the long run just to continue walking the egg shell route!

Yes, why aren't more of us like Anya.
I wish I was.

I am an eggshell treader as well.

Close enough anyway!

I think I saw it in a café once - something like 'unattended children will be fed expresso and given a kitten' so I can't claim it's all my own. It just came to mind when they rolled up late again. So feel free to use it!

But best said out of earshot of the GC I agree ?

May I borrow that remark Anya?