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Walking on eggshells

(99 Posts)
MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 08:30:20

I read a lot about this in the discussions here, and I know I do it too: avoiding issues which might upset my daughter, keeping schtum, as it were
I'm sure my mum never felt the need to hold back on anything she had to say to or about me!
Do you think things have changed?

Grannyknot Thu 26-Jan-17 08:35:00

miss I don't think things have changed, in fact I don't think it has to do with that. I think whether or not you walk on eggshells comes in people - not in things. So you may walk on eggshells around certain people about a particular topic, but may be able to discuss the same issue openly with another person.

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 08:41:45

Maybe relationships have changed?
I was still rather wary of my mum when I was grown up - as were quite a few people!

Rinouchka Thu 26-Jan-17 08:44:40

No, I don't think things have changed but, perhaps, pyschological awareness of others has increased and thus increased sensitivity to others' state of mind.

Or perhaps there is more insecurity and thus more touchiness now??

glammanana Thu 26-Jan-17 08:46:56

misadventure I just think our DDs are far more oppionated these days than we where and are not afraid to take critissium about their lifestyle,I would never ever speak to my DD about any partners she has had in the past and the fact that I knew from experience that they where wrong for her,she just had to learn for herself and for me to be there when things went wrong without saying "I told you so"

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 08:54:29

I suppose we came from the 'children are seen but not heard" era, Glamma?

Jane10 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:18:22

Maybe these are 'first world' problems? Our parents and grandparents were maybe preoccupied with just getting by and didn't have the leisure to get worked up about perceived slights?

Teetime Thu 26-Jan-17 09:19:42

My mother always said exactly what she wanted to and didn't care how I would feel it was all about her feelings and her sacrifices (none that I could see). I wouldn't dream of saying some of the things I feel/worry about to my daughter as I wouldn't want to upset her. I wonder if we are keener now on making relationships work and for family harmony.

Bibbity Thu 26-Jan-17 09:30:17

I think it would help to know what's it is you want to say or what situations you are afraid to speak up in.

rosesarered Thu 26-Jan-17 09:40:40

My Mother sadly died when I was in my twenties,but she never talked 'robustly' to me about anything.Never offered advice unless I asked (We had a baby a few months old)so am sure I did ask a fair bit.I felt that I could talk about (almost) anything with her.
My MIL was the same, so perhaps I was lucky in that respect.Had either my Mother or MIL lived longer perhaps they would have spoken out more and annoyed me ( who knows).I do try and be the same with DC and especially DIL.
Gratuitous advice is rarely appreciated!

Anya Thu 26-Jan-17 09:41:38

I told a slightly startled SiL last week that any child not collected from our house by 5.00pm would be fed double expressos and given a kitten to take home.

I'm fed up of them arriving later and later to pick the GC up without even a phone call. I'm also fed up of watching every word I say.

I think the message got home! grin

Jane10 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:42:19

So true roses!

Jane10 Thu 26-Jan-17 09:42:55

Wow Anya!!

annodomini Thu 26-Jan-17 10:22:02

Like your style, Anya. I could hardly open my mouth without somehow offending my mother! She said I was an intellectual snob hmm but I think the problem was that I had the education she would have liked for herself. In an odd way she was proud of me!

KatyK Thu 26-Jan-17 10:22:59

I wish I was as brave as you Anya I am constantly walking on eggshells. I made the mistake of speaking my mind a while ago after being treated (in my opinion) quite badly. It was a mistake - made things worse. So it's back to the egshells again. Mind you my DD said to me once 'I am fed up of walking on eggshells with you' There are a lot of broken eggs out there smile

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 10:30:37

All kinds of situations, but I think I'm fairly forthright
Its just that a lot of the posts here include conversations about having to tiptoe around adult children's feelings, etc.

gettingonabit Thu 26-Jan-17 10:41:35

Good on you, anya.

I think things HAVE changed as regards this generation. They are a generation that, in many ways, have been pandered to. They don't seem particularly robust in many ways. They are a generation that's become used to heavy supervision from adults, intervention in their affairs as children, and generally treated with kid gloves. This generation has grown up in a culture of therapy and navel gazing. We didn't, and neither did our parents.

There has been a growth in the notion that if you treat children less than perfectly, they will somehow be at risk of lifelong trauma. I think some of us have treated our children rather too well, and created a culture of helplessness and entitlement in them.

Which is why we're terrified to hurt them by our actions and walk on eggshells round them.

Why aren't more of us like anya?.

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 10:43:36

Bravo! Exactly my thoughts, except I didn't want to say it - walking on eggshells again! grin

gettingonabit Thu 26-Jan-17 10:43:37

Like bibbitt I'm intrigued as to what situations you find yourself walking on eggshells in?

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 10:46:45

I would like to say something about my daughters parenting on occasion: I don't, obviously.
My mum would have outright told me where I was 'going wrong!"

MissAdventure Thu 26-Jan-17 10:53:50

Example - daughters dog and cat - scratch, scratch, scratch
ME (mildly) "oh, seems like maybe they need defleaing?"
DAUGHTER (less mildly) "No they don't!! I keep a check on when they're due, and its not yet!"
ME (mildly) "oh, okay then, just that they're both scratching a lot.."
Fast forward a day or two.
DAUGHTER: "Mum, could you pick up some flea stuff when you're downtown please? I found I flea!"
ME; (in my mind) "I told you so, bighead!" Translates - "Yes love, of course"

KatyK Thu 26-Jan-17 11:08:50

I would never criticise my DD's parenting because it's fantastic. It was the way she had been treating me and her dad which upset me. Not bad treatment, just rather thoughtless, leaving us out of things etc. I told her that sometimes I felt that people outside the family were treated better than us. She didn't like it one bit. After that, things got worse, not better. You only have to look at the thread for people estranged from their children/grandchildren to realise how easily things can escalate. I'd rather have the eggshells.

Gaggi3 Thu 26-Jan-17 13:54:23

My mother was very easily upset, she said sensitive, and I was always pretty careful not to disagree with her. This sensitivity did not extend to others feelings sometimes. Having said that, she could be good fun and told a good story. Looking back now, she had a hard life and none of my opportunities, so shouldn't judge.

grannypiper Thu 26-Jan-17 15:51:58

Anya Well said. I cant believe how the younger generation take the mick.My SIL is run ragged by her son and his ex wife, they think they can drop the children off with no notice whatsoever,the ex wife is the worst

Azie09 Thu 26-Jan-17 17:13:54

KatyK yes, quite. Some of the posts on the estranged thread are sad. So much depends I think on how things are said and on the family tolerance for and acceptance of criticism. A sense of humour is important but absent for some. Why would anyone think that throwing around your opinions was acceptable? It's about respect for others and it goes both ways. From what I've seen of the education my daughters received, the younger generation has a much better way of expressing and dealing with emotions and with other people without being rude. Not eggshells, just acceptance.