Walking on eggshells

I just think today's young people speak up more about what offends them, particularly young parents. And they are more likely to take action if we don't respect their wishes or concerns, by going lc or nc. They also get a lot of encouragement to do this and advice about how on sites like Mumsnet. If we had the Internet years ago, maybe we would have drawn our lines more firmly, too.

Susie, I think, also, that mil may be suffering from some sort of disorder. But if she won't go to a doctor to get checked out, I don't know what anyone can do.

As Granmary18 asked, I, too, wonder if your mum is suffering from dementia?

Suzie ...as she has changed so much, is she unwell... depression? Start of dementia but very early stages? I may of course be completely on the wrong track!

Suziewoo sorry to hear your relationship with your mother in law has deteriorated,is she very old or maybe suffering from depression or other mental health problem,hope things improve

As a Dil, I had a great relationship with my MIL up until a few years ago. Now we walk on eggshells all the time, we can't ask after her health as we're nagging (as she refuses to go to the Dr's even though she's had several chest hurting coughs .. she's not been for 37 years), can't ask if she's got any holiday plans (obv she can't afford it or so she says), when is she going to visit (she's far tooo busy), when can we visit (but she never gets any food in for us, doesn't cook but expects us to pay when we're out, refuses to clear the crap out the spare rooms so the grandkids can sleep in a bed), it's hard to have a conversation on the phone as she's deaf (but there's nothing wrong), can't ask if she's planning on any house modifications (back door rotten through, no heating at times... we're nagging) and if she does come and stay at ours sits on her backside all day expecting to be waited on, makes herself a cuppa but doesn't offer anyone else one, chooses to sit and do her crossword in another room (wherever the rest of us aren't!) - wouldn't mind too much but the grandkids are 14&9 so not little! If we ask her to look after them, she says yes and then proceeds to tell us what she would've been doing if she wasn't looking after the grandkids.. again we only ask at max 3 times a year... she's just not interested in us!
So goes both ways unfortunately ?

We have a problem with one dil notanan. She does not care that her rants about recycling and turning off lights, being vegetarian, or climate change lectures annoy people. She will read her Guardian paper and then try and starts 'discussions' when all people want is pleasant conversation about this and that. Mostly people ignore her, but sometimes it is difficult to do that. Why do they do it? They know it mostly always leads to people getting cross. I have lost count of the times I have asked my OH not to join in the 'debates' she tries to start. My DS will not stand up to her either which is so annoying. Anything for a quiet life in his case....happy wife, happy life etc.

Oh dear me too One daughter in law once asked my opinion then went on to tell me I was a snob, and didn't know what I was talking about ! That's five years ago, and I feel now that she just tolerates me.The other daughter in law is moody, likes a lot of attention when it suits her, but when is that I never seem to know !

I think as long as there have been sentient people, people, especially in families, have not been talking about certain things.

My mother just ignored anything she didn't like so if I bought clothes decorated room, anything and she didn't like it. Silence. If she liked it, she would say so. She was also totally uncomprehending about things I did, study for pleasure rather than job improvement. so I generally didn't talk in any detail about any course I was doing with her.

I do not think I tiptoe around DC particularly, anymore than anyone else but I do think, as parents, we need to realise when our children are grown-up and entitled to have their own views, opinions and life styles, whether we agree with them or not. We should treat these with the same respect we would treat anyone else who acted and thought as they do.

Obviously there will be times when our DC do things that either disrespect us (*Anya*, above) or are actively harmful to themselves and/or others, then we need to speak up and accept the flak that will follow, but no different than one would do with a friend.

Adaunas - I hope you know you are not responsible for her current state!

it's a balance I think
the person who thinks they're always being diplomatic and biting their tongue can be the one causing the problem

I have a friend like this, "doesn't like conflict" - so she'll just quietly huff and insist she's "fine" and it drags out what would otherwise have been resolved quickly… she insists she's the peaceful/diplomatic type but it's caused problems at her work where she's been brought into mediation yet she insists she's "fine with everyone" meanwhile she's clearly pissed off and it's causing a huge atmosphere which is in turn promting others to "blow up" a bit at her out of frustration…

I don't find it much of a problem really, I know that if I have annoyed her we cannot discuss it (even for me to apologise) and I just have to wait until she stops sulking.. but for her family/work colleagues I can see how her thinking she's the peacekeeper can actually be causing or prolonging the conflicts

You made a good point, too, notanan
I just sometimes think I've been skilfully 'trained' as I'm always biting my tongue.
Or maybe I'm just too opinionated.

I wonder if us eggshell walkers have family that also are careful what they say to us?

That's a good point, certain elements of current politics are definitely avoided by a lot of families these days, but that can be done from a place of love and respcet: i.e. because we love each other and want to have a nice time together and don't want to upset each other

Yes my mother was abrasive, critical and unsupportive. She favoured one gc above all others and criticised all four of us playing one off against the other. She even took one gc to drs when she was looking after him as she disagreed with the diagnoses he was given when my sister, his mother took him a few days earlier. I have always said if you see me turning into my mother then hit me over the head and get rid of me!

I wonder if us eggshell walkers have family that also are careful what they say to us?

I think with some people theres an element of "well I put up with a lot from my mother/mother in law, and now that I'm the elder it's my time to be respected" - but by "respected" they mean having a green light to behave however they like regardless of who it upsets

And then they get annoyed if our generation don't "do our time" of biting our lips like they did

But for me, I don't want my kids to respecte me just because I'm elder, I want to build mutual respect, so I don't see it in terms of me doing my time to be dutiful and silent no matter what now and I'll get my time as matriarch later

I had a very critical abrasive mother and learned early on to avoid ever disagreeing with her.
With my own children I tried to always keep the peace and never quarrelled with them as I saw how many mothers had bad relationships with their teenaged daughters.
One of my girls is a reincarnation of my mother and everyone (especially her husband) describes treading on egg shells around her. I carry on as before, trying to not give her the satisfaction of a row.
Fighting back can only make things worse.

True, maybe in the past people in our situation would just have had to suffer in silence because of the rules of the time, but was that a good thing? I think not

I don't think people were less sensitive in the past, I think they got just as upset, but they were just powerless to react to it

The only person in our lives who bemoans having to "walk on eggshells" in our house deliberately picks "debates" (i.e. her ranting at people) about contentious issues, because she "enjoys a debate" even if she is making everyone else upset. She says horribly racist and homophobic things on front of the children, and yes, we ask her not to and because she is unable to talk about anything deeply without coming out with offensive tripe, we ask that she either sticks to polite small talk, or she leaves. She probably thinks we're pampered snowflakes etc etc etc but the truth is, she upsets EVERYONE, not just our generation, and we're sticking up for other people of her generation who she also upsets at family dos but they're too polite to say

We have "easy" relationships with pretty much everyone else in the family, young and old, and nothing is "off topic" with anyone else

Yes, that's how it feels sometimes!

It seems that many of us had mothers like MUMOFMADBOYS. I used to think it was only me. I had to cover my tracks and say nothing. Dare not tell her if I bought anything new. How extravagant. I stay out of things as far as the sons and their families are concerned. Perhaps our experiences have taught us something. Although you do wonder why we are the ones living between two generations of drama queens.

I wouldn't call it walking on eggshells. Your children are adults so you should treat them accordingly and respect that they may be very different to you.
I think it fair enough to be direct if they upsetting you , but if they simply have different methods of child rearing etc you should keep quiet- unless specifically asked for advice.
It is one time when mother-in-law can be easier because they met you as an adult- mothers are sometimes inclined to think you are still 12 yrs and they can say whatever they like!

Not so much walking on eggs with daughter. I think to myself, is it worth it ? Most times not, although my OH would often disagree
My Son in law is the big problem, but after a lot of reading and thinking my daughter and I have worked out that he has a passive aggressive personality. I'm ready now for when it rears its head.

I agree with you, grannypiper, so I'm not sure how it came to be this way for so many of us..

This is why we really enjoy our time spent with our friends and realtives our own age, we always have fun and speak freely.Time with DC is different, not sure that it should be, but just is.Our DC do always confide in us when they have problems though, and these are the only times that we offer advice ( seems to work.)

I cant understand walking on eggshells surely we all raised our children to understand that there is more than one opinion and that just because 2 people dont agree there is no need whatsoever to fall out ? If we only kept family and friends who totally agreed with us, then surely we would be very lonely indeed ?