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Grandchild not liking me

(45 Posts)
Tracey1012 Tue 31-Jan-17 15:29:56

Hi just joined today. Having hard day. I am mom 2 daughters lost one as a young adult 17 years ago. My other daughter is single mom 2 kids. The older one has very rich grandma and father goes there every other weekend. This granddaughter and mom actually lived with me for 3 years from when granddaughter baby. She is 7 now and suddenly very hurtful to me. Today telling me all the things her and her other grandma/dad doing and taking her and I mentioned going to the show and she said why would I want to to that. Going with other grandma to these things. Some other comments like not letting me make her breakfast which I do every morning as I come to get her on bus. Happening more and more lately. Just very painful

Christinefrance Tue 31-Jan-17 17:05:14

That is hurtful Tracey but children often mistake material things for love and affection. Maybe the father is trying to get her on side for whatever reason. I think you can only tell her how much you love her and be there for her when needed , eventually she will realise how much you care. Try not to get too upset children don't realise how hurtful they can be and your granddaughter is very young. Don't react to the comments.

rosesarered Tue 31-Jan-17 18:00:36

Don't react to anything she says, as she may enjoy getting a reaction.Just nod and say 'oh yes?' When she tells you what she has been doing.She may not want to do things outside the house with you because she constantly does things anyway, it must be hard for you though.💐

rosesarered Tue 31-Jan-17 18:01:47

Welcome to the forum anyway.smile

Crafting Tue 31-Jan-17 20:16:27

Tracey she is 7. Only 7. She will say and do things either without realising it hurts you or understanding slightly that it upsets you and using that power. Either way she is a young child. I know how painful it can be but you need to think long term here. Money (however nice it isn't) does not buy love. Maybe your DGD loves being with her dad and what kid doesn't like to be spoilt but at the end of the day show her care and affection. Try not to feel hurt, she is only a child and they change their minds on a whim. What is great this week will be old news next week. Just love her and be there for her and hopefully she will realise what a loving gran she has.

vampirequeen Tue 31-Jan-17 20:20:31

Don't respond other than to say things like 'That's nice' when she says what she's done. She will grow out of it. Also some children test the adults that mean the most to them by being horrible. It's a way of finding out if unconditional love is truly unconditional.

Chewbacca Tue 31-Jan-17 20:27:19

Oh that's hurtful Tracey. Do you have a good relationship with your granddaughters mum? Could you talk to her about this? I agree with other posters that, at 7, she's very young but not too young to learn that what she says can hurt.

FarNorth Tue 31-Jan-17 20:30:39

If she doesn't want you to make breakfast for her just say "all right", and don't make any.

If it's something essential then say so e.g. " I have to walk home from school with you because mummy isn't here and the roads are dangerous."

As others said, don't react just be matter of fact about it all.

Araabra Tue 31-Jan-17 20:58:19

So sorry. She's seven, it will turn about, don't worry.

Faye Wed 01-Feb-17 00:36:21

I would see if the other GM would like to put herself out and be there each morning to make GD's breakfast and see that she gets safely on the bus. In fact I would tell her it is very hurtful when she makes those remarks. I don't believe in tip toeing around my GC and have a great relationship with all six of them. I would do anything for my GC but I won't be spoken to like that. How do children know it's not okay to be hurtful to others if they aren't told these things while they are young. Some children are not naturally kind and empathetic but your GD sounds like she is being spoilt by her wealthy GPs and is becoming rude and ungrateful. I bet her manner to you would change if you came into a lot of money. Nip it in the bud now before she becomes a rude, moody teenager and expect some respect.

absent Wed 01-Feb-17 05:44:30

I don't have any problems with my grandchildren and their other [lovely] grandmother, but I do remember how my young daughter repeatedly tried to play off her father against me and vice and versa when we were first divorced. Children are hugely egocentric. That's not a criticism; they simply see themselves at the centre of everything and see their needs and desires in the same way. (Of course, it becomes a major problem if this view persists into adulthood.) Parents, grandparents etc. are seen as a kind of service industry. To a limited extent we all do this but maturity adjusts our picture and our social interaction.

I would just go on doing what I do without regard to what the other grandmother does and any attempts to make me compete with her. When dealing with grandchildren, however much you love them and care for them, it is important to remember that you are the adult and don't let them push your buttons at which they are always surprisingly adept.

gillybob Wed 01-Feb-17 08:09:15

Welcome to GN Tracey1012 smile
K
I am with vampirequeen and I think you should just say "that's nice" or "how lovely" (or whatever) whenever your granddaughter tells you anything about the other grandma. Try and Sound as though you mean it too or she will work out that you are being insincere.

It's pointless trying to compete. But what you can do is try to "give" yourself rather than things. My DGC's other grandma is far, far richer than my husband and I and she can give more expensive presents but she (and this is not a criticism of her at all) does not give as much time. We are the ones who step in to babysit at short notice and who juggle our own time to fit in with theirs. Our pleasures are simple and cost very little. We walk on the beach and collect sea shells and sea glass, we paint and colour, we plant things and do gardening, we bake etc.

I do hope you are able to find a way to connect with your DGD soon.

radicalnan Wed 01-Feb-17 10:00:23

Kids....!!!!!

Just take it all in your stride they are such fickle creatures.

It is hurtful but it is perfectly normal, like teething, and you have puberty to look forward to.

There will be things, times, places that only you can fill for her, wait your chance.

Welcome to the group, you will see that in one shape or form another we all suffer / love the very same things here.

edsnana Wed 01-Feb-17 10:02:08

It is hurtful but as others have said she is 7. My grandson has spent countless hours with us, sleeps over and sees our house as his second home. He sees other gran a couple of times a year and she makes very little effort. After one visit to her he said that he liked going there better than coming to my house. I just said , "Do you darling?" Left it at that, a while later he said, " shall I tell you why I like going there best?" I said, "If you want". His reason? She has an Ipad and let him play games all day! It made me smile, and recognise that I certainly don't feel threatened by that!

DotMH1901 Wed 01-Feb-17 10:31:45

I get a similar thing with my older granddaughter who is now 10. My ex son in law walked out on them almost two years ago and set up home with colleague from work. When the children visit him they are allowed to stay up to all hours and do basically what they want (Grandson who is 13 says this is true as well). My daughter and I have the day to day care of them and we have to have a routine with regular bedtimes otherwise they don't get up for school etc. I have been told many times how mean I am compared to Grandma (who doesn't shout, doesn't expect her to pick up after herself, doesn't tell her to put her laptop away at teatime etc) and also how wonderful Dad's new partner is, so much nicer than me (lets her stay up late, doesn't mind if she doesn't eat her dinner, lets her have sweets and crisps instead etc). It does get me down sometimes, when I became a Nan I didn't expect to end up revisiting my own child raising years again on a full time basis (my daughter works full time and is often late home).

Mair Wed 01-Feb-17 10:31:47

"they change their minds on a whim"

This is key. There is no depth of meaning to this. You have the advantage as a GP that youre the mat GP and get to spend far more time with your DGCs than the pat GPs do. I think theyre probably jealous and maybe have even been saying bad things to try to turn DGD against you.

I would def discuss with DD and if this continues then probably DD needs to have a good in depth chat with DDG and find out whats behind it. I dont think this should be done in the slightly disciplinary way that I think Faye is suggesting, but more inquiring, but if its a regular thing and ongoing Tracey should not just have to put up and shut up.

If it does turn out that Pat GPs are being toxic about OP then DD needs to tell them it has to stop.

notanan Wed 01-Feb-17 10:39:45

around 7 is when my kids became less interested in their grandmothers. They were less interested in adults in general, before that they ADORED them. They liked seeing their grandmothers if it meant going to see a movie they wanted to see or if they were being taken somewhere fun, but at 7 they were very much invested in their own little social world and it wasn't just grandparents that were less exciting, all adults were.

I encouraged them to remain polite, but I think there's got to be a level of understanding from the otherside too, when they're toddlers they will run up to you and hug you with a big beaming smile, that's just toddlers! You can't expect 7/8/9 year olds to behave that way.

The relationship has to change, and it will grow close in other ways, but it won't go back to when they were little and they loved nothing more than to sit on your knee and you were their world.

notanan Wed 01-Feb-17 10:42:03

Also, 7 year olds will try it on

at 7 mine would tell me that dad let them do X,Y,Z when I knew that he didn't, and vica versa. They would try to play us off against each other to get more treats than they were allowed etc.

She might be doing exactly the same to her other grandmother! "TracyGran lets me have two puddings!" etc

hulahoop Wed 01-Feb-17 10:49:05

I agree nota an at 7they think they are too old to cuddle it's embarrassing 🙄 Mine 8yr old gives me a quick cuddle when no ones looking ! Hey do say things what hurt at times don't let it show that you are upset

notanan Wed 01-Feb-17 10:54:20

Also, it might be that other grandmother is taking DGD out to exciting things because DGD doesn't enjoy just going to her house any more. Kids find visiting grandmas house so exciting when they're small, but they really don't enjoy it as they get older (same for any adults house unless there are other kids their age there), so it might be that the other grandmother is finding the exact same thing from DGD that you are, and that's why they're doing so many outings/activities?

Nelliemaggs Wed 01-Feb-17 11:16:47

Hi Tracey. I'm sorry you lost your other daughter so cruelly young.
As for your 7 year old, she is very young and hardly old enough to understand why one grandmother can afford to spoil her financially.
It starts from infancy doesn't it, playing one carer off against the other. My 2 year old grandson howls for Nanny if Mummy won't bow to his desires and vice versa. At 7 your granddaughter is testing, not trying to hurt you like a teenager might. I agree with most gransnetters here that you should answer with something like, How lovely for you. What a lucky girl you are.
Who does she want to make her breakfast? Is she just wanting to make her own?

notanan Wed 01-Feb-17 11:20:31

Is she just wanting to make her own?

good point!

We had some issues with DD1 and the grandmother who had no older GCs, she tried to baby her for much longer than was appropriate in lots of ways (going into the bathroom when she was in the bath because she'ld always bathed her as a baby/toddler, putting on her coat for her, hovering over her while she ate etc) It caused quite a few problems actually..

NameChange2016 Wed 01-Feb-17 11:31:48

When my niece was 7 or 8 she said, "I love Mummy & Daddy and Grandma & Grandpa and (her brother) and I love you Auntie NameChange but not as much because you are FAT!"

I was really upset though I didn't show it.

When she was a teenager she went on the contraceptive implant and put on masses of weight. I gently reminded her what she had said to me and pointed out how easy it was to put on weight. She was really sorry and apologised profusely.

Children can be so cruel. They can bully everyone.

notanan Wed 01-Feb-17 11:37:05

When she was a teenager she went on the contraceptive implant and put on masses of weight. I gently reminded her what she had said to me and pointed out how easy it was to put on weight. She was really sorry and apologised profusely THAT was incredibly mean coming from an adult to a teenager shock

A child pointing out that someone is fat is not being mean, they see it as a fact not as a mean derogatory comment.

M0nica Wed 01-Feb-17 11:45:27

Why not just admit that you are not as well off as the other grandparents, so that you cannot give or buy her all the things the other grandparent does, but that love has nothing to do with money and you love her just as much as her other grandparents. True love is what remains when all money is gone.

You could ask her what would happen if the other grandparents suddenly became poor and you became rich, would they love her less and you love her more and would she love them less and you more.

The child is only seven. You do not need to us the above in an in your face interview situation, but think about them and introduce these ideas to her in the general conversations you have with her. If my DGC are average children, and I assume they are, opportunities for discussions like this arise regularly.