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An past hurt

(59 Posts)
Cathy1 Mon 06-Mar-17 00:41:19

2 years ago my elderly Mother was admitted to a hospice. A few days later my home was broken into and needless to say it was a stress I could have done without at any time but on top of my Mum's situation, it upset me greatly.
The next day my neighbour came to see me and I became so distressed that I had symptoms of either a stroke of a heart attack. I was taken to hospital.
My neighbour called my daughter to let her know that I was in the local A&E. my daughter sent her love to me and asked my neighbour to keep her updated on my situation which my neighbour did.
I was admitted on to a ward for a night and a day for observation etc. It turned out that my BP had shot through the roof and I had had a major panic attack due to all that was going on in my life.
My daughter didn't contact me via my mobile phone at all which I thought was a bit thoughtless but after I had seen the doctor I sent her a text. Nothing back. I made the assumption that her phone was out of battery etc. When I was told all had settled & I hadn't had a heart attack/stroke and that I could go home, I sent my daughter a text and asked would she be able to come and take me home. No only did I feel fragile from my panic attack but I was having to go back into the house that had only been burgled a few days previously.
My daughter said that she couldn't come because she was out with her children and husband. So I made my own way home.
I could never bring myself to ask her why she had been so cold & distant towards me that time.
Since then we have got on ok and I have enjoyed looking after my grandchildren and spending time with them.
But I have never really fathomed out her behaviour and now after these past two years I am feeling some sadness re-emerging and some resentment towards what I consider to be her selfish behaviour and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Should I bring it up & out in the open or try to let it go, push it the back of my mind and move forward?
My daughter also doesn't make any attempt to see her elderly grandfather unless I prompt her. I feel very sad about it.
She is a very good Mother and her children are lovely well behaved children but I feel that she had totally thrown her life into her children and not left much room for anyone else.
I would appreciate opinions/advice/ and similar experiences.

Cathy1 Tue 14-Mar-17 22:05:38

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and opinions!

Starlady Sat 11-Mar-17 20:52:23

What an awful experience you had, Cathy! So [email protected]

As for dd, I think you've gotten lots of good advice here. Just want to add that some people can't deal with illness or seeing loved ones age. Could that be true of dd? That might be another explanation for what happened.

But I agree with those who say no sense in drudging it up now, 2 years later.

Aslemma, I'm not sure if you're irritated with the dd and ds who insist on taking you to hospital appointments or (secretly?) delighted. But if you would really rather go on your own, I think there's a simple solution - just don't tell them when your appointments are and arrange to use hospital transport. Problem solved!

Aslemma Wed 08-Mar-17 16:08:02

I have almost the opposite situation, although I have always tried to be independant. My daughter and one of my sons frequently take time off work to take me to hospital appointments, despite me saying I am happy to use hospital transport. They say they don't trust me to tell them the truth though I can't think why. smile The problem is that they feel rather resemtful of their other two brothers who agree with me that I can make other arrangements. They do all turn up when there is a major emergency and all, including some of the grandchildren, lined the corridor at the hospital when I was going to the operating theatre for a triple by-pass. My difficulty is in letting the first two know how much I appreciate them whilst at the same time I do not feel any less for the other two, who have also been loving and helpful on other occasions.

Jane10 Wed 08-Mar-17 14:37:30

She could well have a significant worry of her own which she was loath to give her mum a hint of. I only later discovered that a family member had had a major stress hanging over them that they didn't tell us about as they know what a big worrier I am. It was kind of them and all was well in the end but I was spared months of worry.

ElroodFan Tue 07-Mar-17 15:03:26

Cathy1, could your daughter have been burying her head in the sand . Perhaps she thought if she ignored your illness you would be ok. The fact everything was well in your relationship afterwards could just mean she was frightened of losing you. Not everyone can cope with a crises.

mumofmadboys Tue 07-Mar-17 07:13:56

That's great Bluebelle that your children were so attentive. But how does your post help OP I wonder?

BlueBelle Tue 07-Mar-17 05:33:01

I totally agree to let it go but I also don't buy the ' she may have been busy had her own stress' etc ....If you hear your mum is ill and in hospital you rush to see they are alright however many kids you have or unless geography gets in the way then you phone or text until you know they are out of trouble it's lazy selfish and uncaring to just carry on and I do think many kids are
Just recently I was unwell and needed some hospital A and E treatment although I was quite able to get there by bus my daughter who lives near insisted on taking me early Sunday and again Monday morning she has a stressful life but wouldn't dream of letting me go alone ( likewise I wouldn't her) my two children who live away messaged everyday to get' bulletins' until I was ok
So even if the daughter couldn't get there I d have expected phone 'check ups' but as everyone has said too much water under the bridge now it would have been better to tell her how disappointed and uncared for you felt nearer the time

Bez1989 Mon 06-Mar-17 23:51:14

Yes it seems that we all have a selfish DD or DSD in our lives...that's Step.

As the older wiser person I've now got to the place where I expect nothing and so can cope with the situation better.

Families aye ???

I'm glad now I never had any of my own.

AmMaz Mon 06-Mar-17 21:07:59

I think your daughter may have conveniently taken you literally when you gave her text bulletins informing her you were alright.

Poly580 Mon 06-Mar-17 18:28:29

Thats hurtful and I really feel for you. I was seriously ill some years ago and spent 6 weeks in hospital. My DH and DS came to see me every day but my DD never came to see me once. She was 19 and lived at home but was too busy with her boyfriend. I was so hurt but I never mentioned it. Whilst this was happening my DH was trying to work, look after our young son and do everything else. It came out years later that she never even washed a dish. Her reason, she is selfish, still is. It won't change what happened to raise this with you DD and in fact you may feel worse if she gets annoyed. Try not to dwell on it and just think of the positives. Beautiful GC in your life. I wish you well xx

Ginny42 Mon 06-Mar-17 17:25:36

Sometimes we just have to let go and let the emotions ebb away like the tide.

If you don't know it, do find the poem - 'She let go' by Ernest Holmes and read the whole thing. Here is the beginning:

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

Here is the ending:

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

Wishing you a happier time very soon.

123kitty Mon 06-Mar-17 16:58:51

It`s much too late for you bring the matter up with your daughter now- forget it, you`'ve been stewing over this for too long.

Luckygirl Mon 06-Mar-17 16:00:46

Let it go, Cathy - just let it go. There is nothing at all to be gained by bringing it up. And it is not helping you to dwell on it.

Cathy1 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:57:56

Thank you everybody. Such sound advice and also some food for thought for me.

Granmary18 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:56:29

Cathy 1 I think that as you didn't ask about it at the time it is best to leave it now and try to move on from the hurt. . I think the way forward is just as willa45 describes ...look ahead and think about that important decision making so that your loved ones know your wishes and preferences. There is quite a lot of help out there with this sort of thing too to help you with decision making too if you want it.

willa45 Mon 06-Mar-17 15:30:58

Unless they're facing a serious illness themselves, many healthy young adults seem to be relatively carefree when it comes to health issues. Most can't empathize with an elderly person's plight until they reach mid life and are forced to face their own health related fears and worries first hand.

Forgive and forget what happened two years were fortunate that time. Going forward however, you want to avoid being put in a similar situation and to be prepared if the outcome turned out to be a more serious one.

I would have a quiet, non confrontational talk with your daughter (perhaps include the son in law) about important decisions to consider because you are not getting any younger and in the future you want to avoid a bad situation from becoming even worse for you and everyone involved.

You have certain legal issues and decisions to make regarding things like Long Term Care, Power of Attorney, Living Will (End of Life directive) and even organ donation If anything, a conversation like this alone should be a wake up call for an otherwise complacent daughter.

Cambia Mon 06-Mar-17 14:42:29

Years ago, I had a minor op that went wrong and I ended up haemorrhaging , being wrapped up in tin foil ( or what felt like it) and nearly bled to death. My mum rang to say she would have visited but she was traumatised packing to go to her house in Spain. I was deeply hurt at the time but I had my lovely husband to support me. Years later It still niggles but I would never bring it up as it would only cause hurt and upset all around. I realise that she is very self centred but that is just how she is. Lovely in lots of ways but life has always centred round her and my dad. Nothing will ever change her and she would be so upset if she realised how hurt I was at the time so why cause upset now? Sometimes you just have to move on.

nannypiano Mon 06-Mar-17 14:09:57

I learnt quite a while ago not to have expectations from my two sons, thus avoiding disappointment. Then if they are thoughtful or kind it makes me very happy. Positive thinking? Or maybe some would say negative .... It works for me though!

Bluegayn58 Mon 06-Mar-17 13:24:26

My mother is now frequently in hospital for various complaints. When she first started to being admitted, I used to rush up, make sure she had everything and make myself available to take her home at the drop of a hat.

It's no longer possible for me to do that - it's too stressful and I have my own family to look after.

There is an ambulance service available (in Wales, anyway) which escorts people home, and the ambulance staff see you into your home to make sure you are safe.

Perhaps your daughter is feeling stressed about it too, and it's not always possible to just drop eveything to be on hand when needed. There may be pressures she is under herself, which you are not aware of.

I think you need to cut your daughter some slack and accept that at that time it was not possible for her to meet your expectations.

widgeon3 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:35:14

When we were quite newly married, I was somewhat taken aback when my (medical practitioner) husband said, apropos of very little ' Remember we are always on our own' Very strange, I thought but since then it has proved most useful. You can't in any way always account for other people's activities. I have tried since to be absolutely self reliant, where possible. I have found great inner resources

PamelaJ1 Mon 06-Mar-17 12:11:24

I agree that you need to move on, don't revisit the past.
However, I sat down today to start on my power of attorney on line. As your daughter showed herself 'not up to the job' when you needed her last time perhaps a conversation along the lines of your future needs and her part in dealing with them could be a good idea.

IngeJones Mon 06-Mar-17 11:46:44

Yeah I think there was something going on for her right then that she didn't think appropriate to explain to you. She's been fine before and since, right? It might even have been a health scare of her own!

Gemmag Mon 06-Mar-17 11:46:08

Cathy1. Some very good advice on here. I would agree with the others who say that you have to move on from this. You obviously feel very aggrieved about what happened but it was two years ago and I just wonder if you might think about speaking to someone about this. Your doctor could recommend someone I'm sure like a councillor.!. You've let it fester away but you say that you have an ok relationship with your daughter and that you look after your DC which is lovely. You really do not want to rock the boat and risk falling out. Our children's lives are so different to how ours were, it's all so frantic now!.
Forgive and forget as they say but please do not go there.

rosesarered Mon 06-Mar-17 11:37:12

Great post Lilyflower and I totally agree.
Yes, let it go this time, but if something similar happens again, tell your DD that you need her support.Unless she is physically a long way away from you,or ill herself, any other reason for not helping you just doesn't cut the mustard!

luluaugust Mon 06-Mar-17 11:20:41

Just a thought texting is not always adequate to explain situations I would phone, I wonder if your lovely neighbour did too good a job in explaining what was going on.