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An past hurt

(58 Posts)
Cathy1 Mon 06-Mar-17 00:41:19

2 years ago my elderly Mother was admitted to a hospice. A few days later my home was broken into and needless to say it was a stress I could have done without at any time but on top of my Mum's situation, it upset me greatly.
The next day my neighbour came to see me and I became so distressed that I had symptoms of either a stroke of a heart attack. I was taken to hospital.
My neighbour called my daughter to let her know that I was in the local A&E. my daughter sent her love to me and asked my neighbour to keep her updated on my situation which my neighbour did.
I was admitted on to a ward for a night and a day for observation etc. It turned out that my BP had shot through the roof and I had had a major panic attack due to all that was going on in my life.
My daughter didn't contact me via my mobile phone at all which I thought was a bit thoughtless but after I had seen the doctor I sent her a text. Nothing back. I made the assumption that her phone was out of battery etc. When I was told all had settled & I hadn't had a heart attack/stroke and that I could go home, I sent my daughter a text and asked would she be able to come and take me home. No only did I feel fragile from my panic attack but I was having to go back into the house that had only been burgled a few days previously.
My daughter said that she couldn't come because she was out with her children and husband. So I made my own way home.
I could never bring myself to ask her why she had been so cold & distant towards me that time.
Since then we have got on ok and I have enjoyed looking after my grandchildren and spending time with them.
But I have never really fathomed out her behaviour and now after these past two years I am feeling some sadness re-emerging and some resentment towards what I consider to be her selfish behaviour and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Should I bring it up & out in the open or try to let it go, push it the back of my mind and move forward?
My daughter also doesn't make any attempt to see her elderly grandfather unless I prompt her. I feel very sad about it.
She is a very good Mother and her children are lovely well behaved children but I feel that she had totally thrown her life into her children and not left much room for anyone else.
I would appreciate opinions/advice/ and similar experiences.

gillybob Mon 06-Mar-17 04:37:27

This is so sad for you Cathy1 and it seems that your daughter (along with quite a few other young people) is so wrapped up in herself and her own children (rightly so) that she has has let her relationship with her mum and the wider family fall away. I have seen situations like yours many times where older relatives are almost looked upon as burdens and are tolerated only when they are quiet and don't need any attention which is desperately sad. Now trying to look at it from your daughters side, you say that the grandchildren are lovely and well behaved so she is a good mother. Do you see your grandchildren often? Do you see them alone or with their parents? How far apart do you live? Could there have been a simple explaination why she was unable to come and pick you up from the hospital? Do you have any other children?

I'm sorry I can't offer any practical help as I have no experience of this situation, however I know that young parents have huge demands on their time these days, often having to both work etc. whatever you do though don't fall out with your daughter. Try to keep a friendly relationship no matter how you are feeling deep down. You don't want to risk losing contact with your grandchildren. Sending you my best wishes. Hope you are feeling better, I know what it's like when things get on top of you. flowers

mumofmadboys Mon 06-Mar-17 05:33:38

Cathy. I would let it go. Of course it was very hurtful but two years have elapsed. You don't know what was going on in your daughter's life at that time. Perhaps there was some reason. I would try and forgive her and lay it to rest. Make the most of what you have. Wishing you well.xx

nanaK54 Mon 06-Mar-17 07:10:56

Whilst understanding you're hurt, I totally agree with mumofmadboys would good could come of rehashing something from two years ago.

Anya Mon 06-Mar-17 07:16:47

In the words of the song 'Let it go!'

Jane10 Mon 06-Mar-17 07:44:03

Maybe she was in the middle of a difficult situation herself and just couldn't respond or even tell you about it as she might have been terrified to add to your stresses?

suzied Mon 06-Mar-17 07:53:57

If she works/ has children she will be super busy. We don't know the minutiae of others lives. She had your reassuring texts and probably thought " mum's ok" and got on with whatever she was doing. Maybe a bit thoughtless, but nothing more. Let those thoughts go, water under the bridge and all that.

Riverwalk Mon 06-Mar-17 08:10:25

It does sound very uncaring in the circumstances you describe but as others have said, who knows what was happening in her life at that particular time - could have been some marital/work crisis.

Have you had panic attacks before, or been very needy of your daughter's attentions? And you don't say how far away she lives.

Of course we'd all love our children to be doting and attentive but as you can see just from Gransnet it's often not the case.

Christinefrance Mon 06-Mar-17 08:19:18

It does seem very uncaring of your daughter Cathy and must have upset you
It is strange that this incident has never been mentioned either. Given the time lapse it's best to let it go now and enjoy time with your family.

PRINTMISS Mon 06-Mar-17 08:21:06

Yes, I agree, let it go, try not to 'ponder' on it. It was hurtful, but surely not intended, if you think that way, perhaps it will be easier for you to come to terms after all this time. My daughter is often thoughtless, in my opinion, but then looking back, I was probably the same on occasions when we were in the throes of something, and completely forgot about our parents.

moobox Mon 06-Mar-17 09:52:05

Let it go. My DIL tends not to let things go, and it just sours the ongoing relationship

dorsetpennt Mon 06-Mar-17 09:54:44

I know at the time you were a bit fragile and not up to a discussion that could become a row. However, I think two years later you've left it too late. Maybe at the time your daughter was going through a bad time herself. As you were unwell she didnt want to add this to your list. Leave it for now, but if it happens again then you must.

radicalnan Mon 06-Mar-17 10:03:13

I have had a few similar experiences with people I love, letting me go it alone, when I could have done with support, it certainly does smart. Perhaps your daughter was relived to know that you had not been having heart attack or stroke and just assumed you would be fine to go home alone. She knew you had at least one good neighbour.

Too late now to have a re hash as she won't be able to recapture the way she felt on the day as you clearly can.

Maybe a general chat about how you feel you are getting on a bit and what might help if you were to be taken ill..........that could re assure you for the future and give her a template for what you would like without raking over old coals.

I have had a similar hospital experience thing, and when my dad was dying,the DS girl friend was going to take me to the hospital in her car but instead sat typing her Uni homework (non urgent) she is going to be a therapist and how I was feeling totally escaped her, in her mission to get good marks.

Once when major flooding hit our home and we were let with nothing, my lovely dad, who had a home he owned standing empty, sent us a fiver for ice creams and nothing else.........people dont always get it when you are having a disaster.

They still love you.

Antonia Mon 06-Mar-17 10:06:16

I would personally let this go. Even if your daughter were to apologise, I don't think it would make you feel much better about her lack of response to you two years ago. I don't think it would be a case of 'sorry, mum,' and then you could put it all behind you. As others have said, parents are just so busy these days, often with very little spare time from their work, household chores and childcare, and parents can sometimes get put into the background, especially if a crisis seems to have been dealt with. Your daughter probably did not realise just how badly you were hurting at that point. It must have been very hard for you at the time, but try to move on if you can and enjoy the relationship you presently have with your daughter and grandchildren.

Nelliemaggs Mon 06-Mar-17 10:06:29

I so agree that you must let it go. Nothing is likely to improve if you try to get to the bottom of it and the likelihood is that it will cause a huge rift. I have had to just block out a difficult time in a relationship with one of my offspring. We are getting on fine now and I have glad to be able to leave the pain behind, and enjoy the present/future.

The young are generally self centred. I was thinking just this morning that I did little to support my mother when my father had his first huge stroke. We lived 70 miles away, I had no car, I was pregnant, I had a poor relationship with my mother, my father's stroke-induced anger scared me, so I told myself I was justified in more or less leaving her to it, which shames me now.

grannytotwins Mon 06-Mar-17 10:08:38

I know that I tend to dwell on things, so I can understand. My daughter didn't come to see me in hospital when I was in danger of dying, but that's the way she is and I try not to let it upset me. Your daughter may have had things going on in her life that she didn't want to burden you with when she knew you were fragile, or she may be like mine, thoughtless, but not deliberately. It's in the past. Enjoy your relationship with her and her family as it is today and don't upset yourself any further.

Lyndie Mon 06-Mar-17 10:08:48

Cathy. It's so hurtful. It takes seconds to send a text. No excuse for your daughter really but if things are going ok now. Don't let it eat away at you. If there is ever a natural opening for you to mention it. Do but there are many grans estranged from their children. So you know your daughter best. But beware.

Lilyflower Mon 06-Mar-17 10:15:05

It does, indeed, seem as if your daughter did not rise to the challenge and I can understand your being upset. However, people do not always respond well to having their behaviour questioned and it is even worse when they know they are in the wrong as they cannot and will not acknowledge this.

I should try to take comfort from what others have said. it may well be that your daughter mistook how serious the situation was. On the other hand, she might have understood perfectly well but was so panicked and distressed that she subconsciously resisted the knowledge. Young people with families are incredibly busy today in a way that we with our parents' hands-off parenting were not and she might literally have been unable to come to you.

Since you did not say anything at the time as you were distressed and unable to I should not bring it up now after time has lapsed. However, it might well be appropriate, should anything similar arise again, to ask tactfully about the situation as it happens.

I sympathise immensely with your feelings. Our children have such power to hurt us, do they not? We are the generation who did everything for our parents while our children do not always feel the same way.

rileydog Mon 06-Mar-17 10:16:18

Whilst I agree with the sentiments above to 'let it go' this seems to be something you've found difficult to do so far. It might be useful to discuss this with a therapist who will help you work through your feelings. You can access a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner (PWP) through your GP on the NHS. There might be a waiting list but I think you may find it really helpful. I have recently retired as a PWP and have helped many people with similar issues. Good luck!

craftynan Mon 06-Mar-17 10:20:40

Although I agree with what has already been written here I'm wondering whether your daughter was so afraid of losing you that she was trying to distance herself from it. It's no excuse for not sending a text etc but I know that at times of stress I tend to withdraw into myself.

ruthjean Mon 06-Mar-17 10:21:02

I so know what you mean. It took years of pain for me to realise that your children can never love you as much as you love them.

Kim19 Mon 06-Mar-17 10:21:39

Hello Cathy1. Good morning! 'Fraid I'm with the majority here in that I definitely would let it go. However......that is much easier said than done and it seems that you have been nurturing the grievance blow by blow for two years now. Very understandable BUT not at all helpful for your dear self. My guess is your daughter won't be giving that time a second thought and will probably be glad you all came through it with minimum upheaval (for her). It must have been AWFUL for you and well done for dealing with it physically. Soldier on dear lady. That was then and this is now. Even if you can't forget, try stuffing it away into a far corner in the recesses of your mind.

Everthankful Mon 06-Mar-17 10:29:19

I think I would ask her if she was ok. Sounds as though she might have been having problems of her own. Is her husband controlling? If she was desperate to see you, her husband may have complained about her wanting to abandon her own family and spoil the day out. Not experienced this myself, but have seen it second hand. Give her a break but keep in touch and ask how she is, don't wait for her to get in touch, she may be waiting for her Mum to be there for her

acanthus Mon 06-Mar-17 10:33:03

Looking back on the years when I had three youngsters and a very busy life, I can see times when I didn't act with as much thoughtfulness as my wonderful mother deserved. But any failings on my part were never intentional and I think my dear Mum understood the pressures I was under. If you have a close relationship with your daughter then enjoy the present enjoyable times you have with her and your grandchildren. To be bothered by something from two years ago now may perhaps be a symptom of your feeling low or depressed about other things going on in your life, so maybe a talk to your GP may help.

Jaycee5 Mon 06-Mar-17 10:35:02

If my mother brought up every time when I have been thoughtless or not realised that she needed a bit of support or practical help she would probably never speak to me again. She does have a bit of a martyr syndrome and I did have to tell her off for not telling us when she was in hospital. She said that she was sure we would be told if 'anything happened' meaning that she had died. I said it would be a bit late then.
I think letting things go is part of being a mother.