Advice dealing with daughters bullying ex

It doesn't matter if they're married or not. If his name is on the birth certificate he has parental rights in the same way as the mother has.

I don't see anyone here suggesting father's aren't important or that women can't also be 'difficult'. The OP however, is asking for advice and support in managing contact between her grandson and his father. The father appears to have been unreliable and inconsistent in previous contact arrangements. So, this thread is about that. The children are the individuals who have rights in this situation. Their parents have responsibilities and duties, one of which is to ensure the child has a relationship with both their parents, where this is safe and possible.

I deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis at work. From experience, there is the mother's side of the story, and the father's side of the story, and somewhere in the middle, is what is actually happening, so forgive me summermary if I don't take everything you say at face value. The father isn't here to defend himself.

There is no such thing now as a Residence Order. Now there is a Child Arrangement Order, which states where the child lives and what contact the non resident parent will have with the child.

You do not need a solicitor to apply for one. You can go to the Court yourself and apply for one. I think it is a form C100, but there is a lot of information if you Google "Child Arrangement Order", including on the .gov website.

Does your grandson have an official diagnosis of his special needs?

I don't think you've said exactly what contact the father and son have had since the cruise work stopped, but I would think it needs to be built up to maybe every other weekend, with one evening/overnight a week, so that they can both get used to each other.

I don't think you've said how far apart the father and child live, so that will need to be taken into consideration and you haven't said if the father has parental responsibility (i.e. is his name on the child's birth certificate). If so, and in the event of your daughter's death, then the child would go and live with his father, so it would be in everyone's best interests to have as good a relationship in place as possible, and that's not going to be achieved if they don't see each other much.

This Cafcass scheme is one that we refer parents to a lot from work. I don't know if it got rolled out to the whole country, but it might be worth looking into.
www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/supporting-separating-parents-in-dispute-pilot.aspx

I think the most important advice is to not be so embroiled in your own animosity towards the father that it becomes more about point scoring, and not letting him have it all his own way, than about doing what is right for the child. Of course, you are going to say that all you want is what's right for the child, but in so many cases, that also means mother getting what she wants at the expense of father. I bet if the father was on this thread and having his say, his words would be much the same.

But never forget that there is a little boy in the middle of this. You haven't indicated that he has been upset when going to see his father and paternal grandparents - although you have used my most hated word "bullied", but not said what the paternal grandmother has done that is considered bullying. You seem to be basing the decision to limit contact as much as possible on your daughter's feelings towards her ex. It really isn't about her, and it isn't about him either. It is what is best for the little boy. And just because the mother doesn't like the father, or fears the father, or thinks he isn't doing things the way he should, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about or love the child, or that he should be kept away as much as possible.

You haven't said anything to make me think that contact should take place in a contact centre. There's no indication of the child being neglected or abused in father's care, so I would think hard about making them meet in a contact centre, where it is not comfortable familiar surroundings for either of them, especially when the child has been used to going to a home environment.

Have a look at www.childrenslegalcentre.com/ - there is a lot of information there and a free advice line if you can't find what you are looking for on their website.

You make some very direct and critical comments in your lengthy post Hurdy Gurdy, based on assumptions rather than a fully informed understanding or assessment of the OP's family situation. It's true that only one side of this little boys life experience is presented here. The grandmother says she is highly anxious, in fact in 'a total panic' in response to texts from her grandsons father. I expect your lengthy post can only have added to her anxiety.
Even if the father's name isn't on the birth certificate, he can make an application to the Mags Court for a Parental Responsibility Order, it is unlikely in the extreme that he wouldn't be given the PRO. I imagine that as the little boy has enjoyed regular and some staying contact with his paternal grandmother, his father can gradually build up a relationship starting by spending time with his son and his own mother.

Is there a contact order in place that sets out the fathers contact arrangements if he has PR he does not have the right to demand unfettered access the child is in the care of his mother who is the primary carer if I were her I would refuse any extra access unless there was a formal court order if mediation isn't working, at court she can ask for a CAFCASS assessment although this may now be automatic as there is a dispute CAFCASS will be looking only at the best interests of your son not at any bodies "rights". You could have a look at a useful website called Advice now for guides for parental disputes

Cafcass would prioritise the best interests of the child, who is the person with rights here.

This is a valid point HurdyGurdy "From experience, there is the mother's side of the story, and the father's side of the story, and somewhere in the middle, is what is actually happening, so forgive me summermary if I don't take everything you say at face value. The father isn't here to defend himself." We are not privy to both sides. The court can sort this as necessary, both parents deserve time with the child.

The hope would be that the parents can put their child's needs first and arrange contact without getting involved with the court. That's what the majority of parents do, it's the smaller number of more complex, or 'stuck' conflicts that end up with the courts

Iam64 as long as the needs of the father and his family are fully considered and not just brushed aside, I agree that court is not a necessity. But with a bad attitude towards the father, court could easily sort the matter fairly for both parents. The child has 2 parents, 2 sets of GPs. Everybody has wants.

the court can sort this as necessary, both parents deserve time with the child

Yes, they do, but what if you can't afford court.

I agree Norah. It sounds as though the mum has been happy for paternal gran to have regular and staying contact so let's hope that helps.
If there has been domestic abuse I'd certainly prefer a family court to have oversight.

Sorry Nina, x posted with you. It's shocking that legal aid is so difficult to obtain in private law proceedings but always worth the free consultation most good family lawyers will give. If there is evidence of abusive behaviour, legal aid can be made available.
In our area we had a good pro contact charity but the cuts led to it closing sadly

I'd think, ninathenana if court was not affordable, I'd be quite careful with my demands and act cautiously, leaving my own dislikes aside, for the good of the child having 2 involved parents.

Bits of your OP reasoning is not terribly valid: he worked a cruise ship -he worked and jobs are hard to find. Now he is unemployed and has time and you don't want him to have adequate time with his son?

My understanding of one of the main concerns of OP regarding her GC and the father is that the child is autistic and the father refuses to take this into consideration. The issue is much more complex than solely parental contact. It is concern for the well being of the child. If it went to court, this would be highlighted, I would have thought.

Summermary I feel for you and your DD. We have had the experience of a bullying 'father' who was intent on creating as much hell as possible. His contact was always unpleasant and threatening, and never did he ask how his son was. More intent on criticising DD and us. It was so stressful. He has disappeared but I have a suspicion he hasn't gone forever.

Norah D has not made demands, just asked for regular access without the father having an agenda and laying down his rules.

This thread reflects the difficulties so many families face when separated parents find agreeing about where children live, who they see and how often, whether they stay over with the "other" parent and grandparent. It's a real challenge so often, even for the most sensible parents. If parents could live together, no doubt they would, they separate because they no longer feel they can make it work. It's little wonder difficulties can arise. Making judgements and cold, critical comments doesn't help anyone. Grandparents can be a real help in these situations, as can fair, experienced and balanced professionals who will be familiar with the tensions that can arise - and always, avoid "blaming" one side or the other. The exception to that would be when abuse of any kind, including lying about one parent or the other, is involved.

I have been offline for a while and can now access internet. I can only say to some comments that my daughter has been incredibly polite and accommodating with her ex and family. A simple polite text to them this week suggested for GS that he kept in pattern of Fri night with grandparents and then dad Sat. DD wants a relationship to build before she is happy with GS staying with dad. The result - a huge text full of insults and threats. She ended up in floods of tears and her son came down and saw her like this. Not good. I will suggest she looks at the suggested websites. I appreciate all the input. Thank you.

Hi Norah, the ex gave up an excellent job to go play in a band on cruise ships taking him away from his son. He now has set up an office managing bands back in our area. He chose to leave his son.

Oh good, ex's back and ready to carry on. I missed that bit. What a relief.

It would be a relief if he stayed away the way he is behaving now. There were so many abusive, threatening texts today that my daughter was frightened in our house. She has tried standing up to him but he gets nastier. GS should have gone to the exes mum today but DD has kept him home. Resulting in (as told by neighbour) exes mother waiting for 2 hrs outside our house. All this is making my daughter very poorly. It is hard for me too as I feel helpless. I so sympathise with all the families experiencing similar problems.