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Advice dealing with daughters bullying ex

(45 Posts)
Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 13:49:04

How would you deal with a man who had minimal contact with his son when young (0-3), then gave up local work to work on cruise ships. When home he used to send threatening texts - Court etc but now words things in a more manipulative manner i.e. I would like to take him away because it will be beneficial for him. Grandson has only ever stayed at ex's mums Fri over Sat and rarely for 2 days if they go to hol park. Serious worry now is that cruise work has ended, he has send my daughter a huge list of dates he wants him, he wants to take him abroad in summer and this list goes up to Sep. Grandson has a life, hobbies, loves going to ex's mum but none of that is considered. Grandson has ADHD and Aspergers which his father ignores. Help please. When communication arrives from this ex it badly affects my daughter and sends me into total panic. Splitz helped me and daughter for a year but the brilliant helper left.

tanith Sun 19-Mar-17 14:04:33

As your daughter has an amicable relationship with ex's Mum would it be worth her explaining that grandson has other things in his life that he likes to do and work out an arrangement that suits everyone? How old is the grandson? If he is older then of course he will have a say in how often he wants to spend time with Dad.

Luckygirl Sun 19-Mar-17 14:37:09

The child's age is the most relevant thing here.

Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 15:49:06

Grandson is 6. Relationship with ex's mum is difficult. Daughter won't see her when she drops grandson home. She has bullied. Today daughter said ex has left 3 min voicemail as she isn't jumping to reply to the now 4 emails!

Penstemmon Sun 19-Mar-17 16:24:01

Go to a solicitor who specialises in family mediation. This sounds as if it needs to be put on a legal footing. The little boy needs to be able to have a relationship with both his parents but it needs to be properly negotiated and organised in the child's best interests...not dad's or mum's. Good luck.

shysal Sun 19-Mar-17 17:22:15

Make sure his passport is locked away or let it expire! He should not be allowed to take the child abroad without your daughter's permission. My DD1 had similar problems with her ex. The solicitor said that a child has a right to see his father but the father has no right to see his child without a court ruling. A controlling ex is unlikely to turn up for mediation, or at least that was our experience. With the Aspergers and ADHD I doubt the father would cope. If contact was with ex's mother included it might work.
I hope your daughter finds an acceptable solution. These controlling men can be absolute idiots and they play mind games!

Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 17:23:40

We did that a year ago but the costs involved were so high we thought we would try to manage situation out of Court. School parent support are trying to help but he is such a bully.

Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 17:35:40

His passport goes to July. Ex knows that as Grandson went on day visit when cruise ship was docked and passport was needed. Took 3 weeks to get it back. They tried ordinary mediation. Because daughter wanted to change one time as it was grandsons sports day ex said she brought mediation to end. He complained about the mediator who daughter said was ok. I thought a father with parental rights would automatically be allowed access as they demanded. Grandson has always lived with mum and me, nanna. Unfortunately we know he would turn up at court etc etc as he is in controlling mode. Also even with grandsons med conditions these don't faze dad who pretty much ignores them as much as he can. He has contacted social services about us at least twice, wasting their time. He tries to put us in bad light at any chance despite us being here 24 7 for grandson and he comes first. These men sure do play mind games.

Penstemmon Sun 19-Mar-17 17:45:11

having parental rights does not give a parent the right to make demands that are likely to be detrimental to a child's wellbeing.
Did you use CAFCASS last time?

stillaliveandkicking Sun 19-Mar-17 17:59:17

Tell your daughter to keep every text etc. Refuse to allow access unless he's at your home visiting. Don't fight him through the courts let him do all of that. See how long it lasts.

Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 18:39:17

Hi Penstemmon, no doubt he will weedle his way in with words as he usually does and twist everything. Limited access is one thing, but the demands, interference from him is another. I have not heard of CAFCASS but will look this up. The Solicitor we saw was one used by Splitz.

Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 18:41:49

Thanks stillaliveandkicking. I believe my daughter does have every text. Originally I wanted to get a journal of each text, e mail, etc. etc. but they are not in any collated order unfortunately. Also was told that the Courts etc. really are not interested in past texts etc. Re: access, there is absolutely no way he is coming over our doorstep. He would also head straight for Court if we tried that. Unfortunately money is no object to his family and the mother and father would totally back him up.

Iam64 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:56:46

I sympathise Summermary, especially at the cuts to legal aid leave parents in private law situations like this either running up huge bills or without legal representation.
There's some truth in the comment that Courts aren't 'really interested in past texts etc'. But, only if they're being used in an attempt to create conflict. that's what your grandson's father is doing when he makes unsubstantiated complaints to Children's Services. They will keep a record of it and if it does end up in a contact-residence dispute (I think these are now called Child Arrangements) the Court can be asked to get details.

Cafcass is the Children and Family Courts Advisory and Support Services. The court will appoint one of their workers in complex private law situations. As penstommon has said, having PR doesn't give an automatic right to contact, it's the right of the child to maintain a relationship with both parents and significant individuals that counts.
Mind Games are exhausting but I think your daughter would be well advised to keep calm and keep a log. Hope it works out without too much stress.

vampirequeen Sun 19-Mar-17 19:33:33

Like others have said keep calm and keep a log. The other thing is not to give in to every date on the list. As to the long visits...if he hasn't seen his son for a long period does the little boy know him? Won't it be detrimental to the child to be removed from people he knows? Going abroad is a definite no in my book. If the little boy gets overly distressed in the UK at least mum can get to him relatively easily but if he's abroad it will be much harder. Also will he be able to cope with the change of place. In my limited experience children on the autistic spectrum need continuity and become distressed by change.

Starlady Sun 19-Mar-17 20:20:16

I was going to say dd should pick and choose which dates she agrees to and insist on short visits to start. But then I saw the part about ADHD and Asbergers. If x won't pay attention to gs' medical conditions, imo, he should not be allowed to be alone with the boy.

Also, is dd worried x might kidnap the boy? Are you?

Summermary Sun 19-Mar-17 22:58:25

Thank you ladies so much for your advice. Vampirequeen you are right about my daughter not giving in to every date. His son does know him, but the last time he saw him was beginning Dec. Most visits are at least 6 weeks apart. We are all against him taking him away abroad or for more than a couple of days in the UK. He does need continuity and routine.
Starlady - no the ex pretty much refuses to acknowledge that there is anything different about Grandson. No, dd doesn't have concerns about kidnap as his family is UK based.
We are going to see a parent support lady at school tomorrow. She has tried to act as a referee before, twice, although not really her job. She had better success than mediation, but he makes all the right noises and seems so reasonable and then does whatever he likes. We are also going to see the SENCO - unfortunately our old one left and she definitely had the ex's measure after an awful letter he sent to her, which hopefully they have on file.
All so very stressful. Years ago I went through a bad divorce where my ex was mentally abusive and it is like it is being repeated. Really appreciate your very helpful comments. Thank you so much.

Grandma2213 Mon 20-Mar-17 00:29:26

Summermary my heart goes out to you. In my case the 'bullying' comes from DS's ex partner. It eventually cost him a fortune to take it to court but she still makes threats and tells him to go see his solicitor on a regular basis. She lied about what a solicitor allegedly told her and in court it was clear that her information actually came from the internet and her friends. She said she was bullied into agreeing the conditions! It is so sad for the children who love both parents of course and it is especially stressful for you and your DD bearing in mind your DGS's medical conditions.

I keep a journal just in case facts may be required one day. Please try to keep strong for your DGS and remember there are a lot of us out here fighting the same fight! flowers

ninathenana Mon 20-Mar-17 07:14:36

I can relate to a lot of the op. Our situation differs in that the GC live with ex and his family and D is the one struggling to get access from a man who has always played mind games,lied and needs to be in control all the time.
Good luck summermary

flower5555 Mon 20-Mar-17 11:59:32

Firstly you need to apply to the court for a residence order, means he legally lives with you, would be classed as kidnap if he didn't return your child.

Secondly, don't let passport expire, you renew it and you DO NOT let father have it. You will send the residency order to the passport office so he can't apply for a passport.

Thirdly, he has a right to see the child, allow him via a contact centre on the grounds that he need to learn how to deal with your child's ADHD etc. If he doesn't want to do that, then let him take you to court. The court will agree you have not stopped him seeing your child, but want to make sure he understands the child, and will start being consistent in seeing him.

keffie Mon 20-Mar-17 12:24:04

It sounds like your daughter was in an abusive relationship with how you describe the ex. Contact your local Wonens Aid (or in some areas it is now called IDAS) It doesn't matter that they are parted. She is still in what is called "the aftermath of domestic abuse"

Abuse is not just about physical violence. They will enable to emotionally support her and with court too. They also offer free counselling and support. Your daughter needs to feel she is no longer alone with this. It will also help her get support for your Grandson.

I don't know what we would have done without Women's Aid

Yorkshiregel Mon 20-Mar-17 13:18:54

No way should you allow him to be taken abroad by his father. Other countries have different rules to us and it would be a nightmare to get him back if it looked like the father wanted it to be permanent. Also be careful that he does not try to get custody so that he can draw the child beefit for the child. That might be the reason he wants him seeing as he has lost his job, a kind of allowance for looking after him.

These men are liars and cheats, they are crafty and clever in manipulating people. I would make sure you do not deal with him directly. Get a solicitor involved so you can prove what he says and does. Do keep any texts and record all 'phone calls.

radicalnan Mon 20-Mar-17 13:35:03

There is a prohibited steps order which prevents people doing things, not sure if it would be applicable here.

Changing the contact number and asking for everything in writing in future would slow things down and allow for scrutiny by third parties.

A doctor may help to obtain PSO if chiled has problems which frequent changes might exacerbate. A list of trips with father who the child has scant contact with, would unsettle anyone so young.

Child may be entitled to legal aid inhis own right to protect from costs.

Otherwise a firm 'no' and careful passport safeguarding.

If he wants access let him make the running.

lesleyone Mon 20-Mar-17 13:51:22

It's not only the men that play mind games . We have four sons and you wouldn't believe what we have had to put up with over the years from wives and partners .

Norah Mon 20-Mar-17 15:28:58

Is it beyond comprehension that fathers are parents with rights?

minxie Mon 20-Mar-17 18:04:17

Are they married, If not he has a lot less rights I believe. Just because he is asking doesn't mean it will happen. Just keep all bullying data as it's evidence and you can build up a case