mother's day

Look, the poor old lass is 90yrs old! Give her some credit for reaching that age. No wonder she doesn't want to go out, she cannot keep up with all the youngsters. Most old people need to rest all the time. It is not unusual, it is expected. I wish my Mother had lived until she was 90yrs old!

She is 99 for goodness sake. What do you really expect? It is all too much for her by the sound of it. You can't be too young yourself and can do without these exoectations you put on yourself and your mother. I would ring her every day, make sure she is ok visit when you can and go with flowers and some photos of your new home. Just cone back off holiday and there was a very smart 90 year old who did nothing but scream at the poor staff and moan to everyone and make them miserable, the company had to apologise to the staff, all very young, what a stressful few days for the rest of the group, wish she had stayed at home.

My lovely mum died at 67. I'd give anything to have her here at 99, and she could be as difficult as she liked.

Cath9 Doing the maths, if your mum is nearly 100 you are not going to be a spring chicken yourself and could have done without the stressful effort, anticipation and subsequent hurt you received yesterday. Maybe it's reasonable for her to stay in bed and only seem to care about your brother, but have a hug and some flowers from me for trying to do right by her

Greyduster She wouldn't have got a bloody card from me either! Obviously couldn't be bothered with her kids, so why bother having them!

I see that quizqueen suggested that too and Daisyboots suggested it could be a UTI.

Great minds

If I reach 99 I hope I am not cantankerous but I hope to be eccentric
(well, no change there my DC would say).

to see my house which she has not seen yet, which is near to where she lives

I think i would have taken 'meals on wheels' to make sure she was OK.
If she doesn't normally behave like this is it possible she is not feeling well - a water infection can make someone behave oddly.

My mum who died at 94 didn't come to us after about 90, it was all too much for her.

My mother is 96 and has always seemingly hated me. My brother has never visited, never lifted a finger to help her, yet can't do anything wrong. In the end, her vicious rants upset me so much I had to cut off all contact with her. Some may think this harsh but she was making it so I coul sleep, eat, I was a nervous wreck. I tried literally everything to find out why she was behaving this way but it seems to boil down to the fact that she only likes my brother and always has done. I should add she is fit and well and sound of mind. It's not her age, she's always been vicious to me, as was her mother before her. I spent 23 years looking after her, taking her out, doing her shopping, taking her on holiday. My thanks for that is she's cut me out of her will and giving it to my brother. I can't help feeling a little envious of the lovely relationship many people have with their mother. I would love a relationship like that. One of my daughters looks after her now and apparently she often says nasty things about me and I'm not even there. I don't care about the money, it's the lack of love and I sympathise deeply with anyone with similar problems.

My late mother at 91 used to sulk, and would give anyone she didn't take to with a stony glare.I used to want to crawl in a hole.I imagine its a form of senility and nothing we can do about it.None of us know how we would be at that age.

My mum is 94 and has dementia. I went to see her yesterday and it was not one of her good days. She didn't know me, and was saying weird things to people who weren't there. When I visited a few days ago she was still able to walk (with a frame) but yesterday she had to be moved in a wheelchair. I had to feed her as she didn't seem to know what to do. I came home and cried. She was always feisty and argumentative, I would have welcomed a telling off or any sign that my mum was still inside the body.

As she is 99 I doubt very much if it is dementia. My darling mother lived until 2 months before she was 98 and any time her behaviour was "off" was when she had a UTI. UTI's can cause dementia like behaviour but once treated they return to their usual self.

She is 99 so I would not expect her to necessarily want to come to your house if she was not feeling up to par. It's nothing against you personally she was most probably just tired and wasn't up to socialising. Just check that she is ok and carry on as normal.

Just in case I don't make it to 99, I have started early on not going to places if I don't feel up to it. I think that's the best all round, I feel safeer at home some days (Fibro) and other people can do without me spoiling their day by keeling over.

Personally, I think that is pretty well mannered myself. Where is the goodness in insisting that people are dragged out of bed to suit you?

Not all mothers are loving and kind - is this a continuation of the way she has treated you all your life? My own mother is very controlling and selfish. When my brother had to have a hip replacement her only concern was that he wouldn't be able to take her out, when I was diagnosed with cancer she showed no concern and gave no support - not a letter or a card. As she lives in another country our only contact now is through letters although I have sent a card and flowers for Mother's Day I will not receive even an acknowledgment. Her attitude is anything we do for her is no more than we ought to.

I understand how you feel. My mother (who passed away aged 89 last year) was a very unkind mother to me, not to my brother who was very much wanted, but I have never held that against him. She had my brother running around like a headless chicken trying to please her until the day she died. I was told in no uncertain terms when I was 10 that I should never have been born and was a " bloody mistake." She was a very controlling person and lo and behold if you didn't do things her way. When she died I didn't feel anything, still don't, I never shed a tear and some of you will think how cruel. I think it's self preservation. We can't please some people, get on with life and enjoy it.

She is 99

Cath, my mother was rather like this, even when younger. All my life I had to put up with her favouring my brother and criticizing me, even though I did more for her. I wonder whether this is the aspect of yesterday's behaviour which hurt you. I can relate to that feeling!

Good grief she's 99 , of course she wants a quiet life. A meal cooked by you at her place would have been the best plan. Lucky you to have a mother that lived to such a great age. Mine died when I was 25, my father having died four years beforehand.

I am sure you feel really hurt but I don't think that it was a rejection of you per se, I think she is just old and lacking energy. The issue gets clouded by your mother seemingly getting agitated by your brother but this also happens with old age. I noticed with my Grandad, who was always very polite, that he just lost his "veneer" as he got older and my sister was very hurt when, after a lifetime of being the favourite, he would have nothing to do with her whilst relying heavily on me. It wasn't that he had changed his view of me, which had been critical, he just couldn't remember the things that had influenced his behaviour. Please don't take it personally, therein lies heartache, but remember the times when she was more with it.

Not meaning to be nasty, but at least you ve still got her. Neither my husband nor I have any parents alive, and miss them, specially on mother s day, and father s day.

I do understand Cath. My dad was much the same in his later years (he lived to 88, so your mum is doing well), and I often felt really hurt, and even angry, at his behaviour. At times it made me feel like not bothering with him at all, though thankfully I have a brother who saw him when I just couldn't face things.
Having said that, I wonder, with hindsight into my dad, whether this is a combination of old age and/or the early stages of dementia. Not meaning to scare you, but my dad was diagnosed (eventually) with dementia, which explained a great deal. He was still an awkward, cantankerous old *, but at least we realised there was a reason for that. Actually he always was awkward etc..., but age made it worse.
I have no real advice, other than that. Not sure if it's worth pushing for a diagnosis even, given your mum's age, but it might make it easier for you to cope. Maybe check out the Alzheimer's Society website for advice. I now volunteer with them and can't sing their praises highly enough. Even if your mum doesn't have dementia, it should help you to understand her behaviour, which does sound like the general decline in brain power which happens with very old age, sadly.
Good luck. xx

Oh dear! I think the OP hoped for more sympathy than she has been shown here. While I agree with the comments about possible dementia and not intended to hurt I think we can all identift with being hurt by someone we love.

As she didn't feel she could come to your house for Mother's Day, couldn't you just have 'plated up' her share of the meal you had cooked and taken it to her and sat and talked to her while she was eating it. It's up to you to make the effort as she is 99 and it sounds as if you did not visit her at all on Mother's Day even though you say she lives very near.

A very good novel to read to understand the onset of forgetfulness or dementia is 'Elizabeth is Missing' by Emma Healey.That will give you some understanding and sympathy by putting yourself in the other 'person's shoes' as well as pulling at your heart strings. Well it did mine anyway.

Although she did not reach the age of 99 - I recognise a lot of these issues from my mother in her final years. I think they may be pointing to an age-related decline or the onset of dementia

My Mum used to tell me that she hadn't see anyone for weeks which was news to my brothers family who called twice daily and the carers that came in 3 times each day (a total of 5 visits per day)

She also used to struggle with social situations and unfamiliar places and would often refuse to go out.

I hope if I survive that long (though not sure that I want to) my kids will remember the lovely, polite, caring 70 something I am now and put any bad behaviour down to my age!