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mother's day

(66 Posts)
Cath9 Mon 27-Mar-17 09:47:24

Was anyone turned down yesterday by their mother?
Although mine is 99 she has always liked to put on an act if she doesn't want to go anywhere.
Yesterday my brother went to collect her and bring her here for a meal and to see my house which she has not seen yet, which is near to where she lives.
She just would not get out of bed, with no apology to me not even wanting to speak to me.
However my dear very tired brother made up for it by having the meal.
Then in the evening my mother telephoned, again no apology in fact all she was concerned about was if my brother was alright, which she kept repeating and she had not seen my brother that day, despite him leaving some flowers from us all.
I hope no one had to put up with all this yesterday

Lona Mon 27-Mar-17 09:52:26

Cath your mum is 99, give her a break. I think you are expecting far too much. flowers

tanith Mon 27-Mar-17 09:53:18

At 99 yrs I'd feel entitled to do exactly as I pleased any day of the week. She is surely at best forgetful at that age and I really don't get why you feel its a personal slight. Just be happy she's still alive and it sounds like, full of fight. Could you not of gone and visited her instead of expecting her to come to you?
I'd be so happy if my Mum was still here so I could give her flowers.

Jayanna9040 Mon 27-Mar-17 09:55:19

Wish my mother was still here to be difficult - not that she ever wassad

Bobbysgirl19 Mon 27-Mar-17 10:02:31

Gosh Cath, 99! what an amazing age your mother is. Sounds like her behaviour could be age related, I would not see it as being 'turned down' rather that her age and health could be influencing her behaviour now, bless her.

Jalima Mon 27-Mar-17 10:05:44

My friend took her active 90 year old mother to an open evening somewhere and mother pushed her way through quite rudely to get to the nibbles and drink . Friend said she threatened her mother that she would take her home if she didn't behave. I said 'is she not allowed to do that at 90? and my friend replied that bad manners are not allowed at any age.

However, forgetting she had seen your brother does seem to be an indication that all is not well with her memory and she may not remember yesterday at all when you go over to see her - which I hope is soon.

rosesarered Mon 27-Mar-17 10:07:52

What everyone else says, as your Mother is very old, and doesn't remember much.
Even if it is an act, at that age she won't be around a lot longer, and if she is here next year, go and see her and take flowers.

Greyduster Mon 27-Mar-17 10:10:50

"Five forget Mothers Day". From what I can remember of Julian, Dick and Anne, whose parents perennially packed them off first to boarding school and then to stay for weeks with poor Aunt Fanny and weird Uncle Quentin while they went swanning off here there and everywhere, they wouldn't get a b****y Mothers Day card from me either! As for George, I doubt she could give a toss!

Greyduster Mon 27-Mar-17 10:13:55

Have I just posted that on the wrong thread? I was responding to something rubylady said but it doesn't seem to be on here now! Apologies if I have.

IngeJones Mon 27-Mar-17 10:19:21

Yeah sounds to me like she's simply 99 and all that entails. Don't take it personally.

Zorro21 Mon 27-Mar-17 10:19:42

Cath9 - my Mother is exactly the same as yours! I felt so upset I when I last visited her that I took to Forums because it made me as upset as you. She has free telephone calls but does not phone me. I offer to take her out, but she won't go. It is hard to express the love that you feel for your Mother when you hit a brick wall often.

suzied Mon 27-Mar-17 10:21:26

I agree rudeness is not acceptable at any age. My MIL thinks it's ok to shout at assistants in Sainsbury's and poke them with her stick if she can't find the eggs. I dont see why just cos she's in her 90s that becomes acceptable. Perhaps the mother in question just didn't feel up to getting out of bed and facing the world . I agree just don't expect her to want to visit you, just go and see her instead.

Jalima Mon 27-Mar-17 10:22:11

Well, I was going to post confused Greyduster but then I thought I was missing something subtle

Cherrytree59 Mon 27-Mar-17 10:24:34

My MIL is ninety two.
We no longer bring her to our home
It is too much of an upheaval for her .
We take the celebration to her house .
(inc birthdays & Xmas)
We had a lovely day with her on Saturday .
she enjoyed the fuss her card and chocolates
Sunday was then left for us to enjoy Mother's day with our daughter and grandchildren .

Jaycee5 Mon 27-Mar-17 10:33:51

Take some photographs of your new home and take them to her. I can't believe that there are many 99 year olds who don't have days when they don't want to get out of bed. My mother is about to turn 94 and for a while she has gone through periods when she doesn't get out of bed, not usually for the whole day but for a while she didn't get up in the morning and now she has afternoon naps. Right now she gets up well most days and I would be thrilled, and a bit surprised, if she is still able to do that at 99.

spabbygirl Mon 27-Mar-17 10:33:56

Maybe she's poorly, I get similar from my mum and especially when she's ill, she's really awful. It sounds to me like she has a physical health condition that may be only tiny, but is magnified due to her age if she's acting unusually. I would just go with it, not that you've any choice, and maybe speak to a dr who can give her a health check. My father in law's concentration was very poor a few months ago, we called the GP who did an overall heath check and he was anaemic. With medication he's a lot better now.

Nelliemaggs Mon 27-Mar-17 10:48:37

I hope if I survive that long (though not sure that I want to) my kids will remember the lovely, polite, caring wink 70 something I am now and put any bad behaviour down to my age!

Cold Mon 27-Mar-17 10:51:49

Although she did not reach the age of 99 - I recognise a lot of these issues from my mother in her final years. I think they may be pointing to an age-related decline or the onset of dementia

My Mum used to tell me that she hadn't see anyone for weeks which was news to my brothers family who called twice daily and the carers that came in 3 times each day (a total of 5 visits per day)

She also used to struggle with social situations and unfamiliar places and would often refuse to go out.

quizqueen Mon 27-Mar-17 11:03:55

As she didn't feel she could come to your house for Mother's Day, couldn't you just have 'plated up' her share of the meal you had cooked and taken it to her and sat and talked to her while she was eating it. It's up to you to make the effort as she is 99 and it sounds as if you did not visit her at all on Mother's Day even though you say she lives very near.

A very good novel to read to understand the onset of forgetfulness or dementia is 'Elizabeth is Missing' by Emma Healey.That will give you some understanding and sympathy by putting yourself in the other 'person's shoes' as well as pulling at your heart strings. Well it did mine anyway.

maryhoffman37 Mon 27-Mar-17 11:09:19

Oh dear! I think the OP hoped for more sympathy than she has been shown here. While I agree with the comments about possible dementia and not intended to hurt I think we can all identift with being hurt by someone we love.

retrolady2 Mon 27-Mar-17 11:20:08

I do understand Cath. My dad was much the same in his later years (he lived to 88, so your mum is doing well), and I often felt really hurt, and even angry, at his behaviour. At times it made me feel like not bothering with him at all, though thankfully I have a brother who saw him when I just couldn't face things.
Having said that, I wonder, with hindsight into my dad, whether this is a combination of old age and/or the early stages of dementia. Not meaning to scare you, but my dad was diagnosed (eventually) with dementia, which explained a great deal. He was still an awkward, cantankerous old *, but at least we realised there was a reason for that. Actually he always was awkward etc..., but age made it worse.
I have no real advice, other than that. Not sure if it's worth pushing for a diagnosis even, given your mum's age, but it might make it easier for you to cope. Maybe check out the Alzheimer's Society website for advice. I now volunteer with them and can't sing their praises highly enough. Even if your mum doesn't have dementia, it should help you to understand her behaviour, which does sound like the general decline in brain power which happens with very old age, sadly.
Good luck. xx

mags1234 Mon 27-Mar-17 11:26:55

Not meaning to be nasty, but at least you ve still got her. Neither my husband nor I have any parents alive, and miss them, specially on mother s day, and father s day.

icanhandthemback Mon 27-Mar-17 11:27:07

I am sure you feel really hurt but I don't think that it was a rejection of you per se, I think she is just old and lacking energy. The issue gets clouded by your mother seemingly getting agitated by your brother but this also happens with old age. I noticed with my Grandad, who was always very polite, that he just lost his "veneer" as he got older and my sister was very hurt when, after a lifetime of being the favourite, he would have nothing to do with her whilst relying heavily on me. It wasn't that he had changed his view of me, which had been critical, he just couldn't remember the things that had influenced his behaviour. Please don't take it personally, therein lies heartache, but remember the times when she was more with it.

dorsetpennt Mon 27-Mar-17 11:48:26

Good grief she's 99 , of course she wants a quiet life. A meal cooked by you at her place would have been the best plan. Lucky you to have a mother that lived to such a great age. Mine died when I was 25, my father having died four years beforehand.

shysal Mon 27-Mar-17 11:51:25

Cath, my mother was rather like this, even when younger. All my life I had to put up with her favouring my brother and criticizing me, even though I did more for her. I wonder whether this is the aspect of yesterday's behaviour which hurt you. I can relate to that feeling! flowers