mother's day

Cath I used to have a Grandmother who behaved in the same way ( all an act) about how poorly she was ( not) so do know what you mean.She also led her DH a merry dance and did nothing for her children.Pure selfishness.

Just thought I'd add and if anyone wants to see the person that I am talking about and want a chuckle, look at you tube and write:
'grandma loosing false teeth to squirrel'.
I am sure you will think that this lady could not be the lady that I am writing about!

I realize how you all must feel and we would definitely agree with you all that it was due to her being 99. I would not have minded if she had taken the phone and explained that she did not feel well. But she has been like this ever since she was young, so often putting on an act until she got her own way, usually due to saying she was not well, when her gp used to confirm to us that she was fine there was nothing wrong with her. She said she used to enjoy winding up my old father etc
I just wanted one day of peace, but talked to her today when she telephoned, of course it is all repeated conversation but that I can well understand, I am sure I will be like that at 99.
This is one pure example:
In the Christmas of 2013 Charles and myself went to spend Christmas day with her. In the morning, when my brother was there she kept saying that she had a bad back and didn't feel well. The gp came around who again told us she was fine. But all day, while she was in bed, she kept repeating to me how bad her back was and remained in bed.
Charles was sitting in a different room, so I thought I should spend some time with him.
She dashed out of bed and across the sitting room saying:
'You were supposed to be here for me' no sign of the bad back at all after that.
I had to hear such embarrasing stories from my mother-in-law as she knew mum before we married.

Anyway she has had a good life, not having to work and with us away at school. She always made sure my late father, who gave her a wonderful life, would take her abroad each year from the mid 1950s until he died in 2005.

She has always liked to put on an act if she didn't want to go somewhere'
This line suggests that Cath has often found her mother to be difficult throughout her life. If this is the case then Cath could find repeated difficult behaviour hurtful and despite her mother's great age, this behaviour may have opened up old wounds. So sorry your mother upset you Cath, but try to put it down to her age and let it go, you will feel much happier if you can do that.

Try reading Diana Athill if you want to read about old age. She is an incredible 99 now but her autobiographies - all six of them will help us understand old age and how to cope and be nice if it's within us!!

When DMIL was in her 90s, she made it clear that she wanted us to go to her instead of us carting her over to us, so we did. We'd just take the party to her and stay until we were told to go, usually after an hour . After Christmas dinner here I'd plate up hers and off DH and the DC would go laden with food and crackers and gifts, while I put my feet up cleared up. DH's aunt went one better. It was too noisy and frenetic at ours "with all those kids screaming", so she booked herself into the Salvation Army's Christmas dinners instead. I think by the time you get to 99, you've earned the right to be a bit self-centred, and it's easier for family to indulge this. Just go with the flow, OP, and enjoy her while you can.

Well it was Mother's Day for your for your Mother so you should have been thinking about her needs not yours. As everyone else says at 99 what do you expect, she wasn't up to going out and maybe if she is forgetful as you say she was, she was most likely also frightened and not coping very well.

You say she was concerned about your brother who she forgot had visited another indication of her state of mind. Was your very dear brother invited for the lunch, which as it was Mother's Day I would have expected him to attend a lunch with his mother but your wording "by having the meal" makes me think it was the meal meant for your mother and he was just the driver but maybe that wasn't what you meant.

I am sure many of us have cancelled a visit at the last minute due to not feeling up to it. How about going and visiting her and take some photos to show her your new home and try and arrange a visit when she is feeling up to it. I know it is disappointing when you make a lot of effort cooking and are looking forward to show off your new home but for someone of 99 it has to be expected.

I think I might be like that in my 70s. Hope I've stopped homeschooling my grandson by then, otherwise he'll get a shock, won't he?

My mother in law is 95 and has dementia. When you visit her she screams when she is awake, which is about ten minutes in every hour. I didn't go yesterday, as I couldn't take it. She has a son who lives just around the corner, so he could go and enjoy being screamed at.

emilie I did wonder that myself! We have had a lot of 'wind ups' on here lately!

Bad manners and upsetting people is unacceptable but only if people realise they are doing it. I also have a DM in her late nineties and, lately, she has no idea who has visited let alone how stroppy she has been with them. She's on the borderline of extreme forgetfulness and dementia but, although she can be extremely unpleasant and difficult, I would not in a million years wish on her the fretting she does, day after day for all day sometimes, because her routine has been changed causing confusion, or she is worrying that she has not done something that she can't remember. Your mother sounds as if she genuinely had forgotten your brother's visit and the meal - not surprising if she was tired. Don't expect too much of her. Far better for her to stay in an increasingly shrinking world where things are safe, routine and familiar than wish all that worry on her. I second reading 'Elizabeth is Missing' as it's an excellent story which illuminates the humour, frustration and pathos of dementia. You may recognise at least some of your interaction with your mother - I certainly did. It was lovely of you to go to all the trouble of preparing a meal, when you've just moved home yourself, and I hope you and your brother enjoyed it anyway.

If mother is 99, daughter must be over 70. It's tough being that sort of age, making an effort and then getting that 'Nobody cares' feedback. My sister (50s) did so much for my mum (90+) and then got screamed at. Most upsetting, especially as she didn't do it to other sister who wouldn't have stood for it. Hurting people's feelings is unacceptable. I so hope I don't end up like this

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I would happily put up with a temperamental parent on Mother's Day. Miss mine, lost too young.

I used to be so envious of people who's mothers were still alive. reading this now I'm not so sure it's much fun.

Cath,you must be joking.

Mum is 99 this year and off we go on Wednesday to her favourite 5* hotel for lunch!!!!

She never bothers about the actual day as the restaurants would be too crowded.

Because she is so ancient the waiters dance attendance on her and she laps it up.

They think she is such a sweet old thing - if they only knew!!

Its all part and parcel of being 99...Be thankful she is still here..I wish mine was.

I doubt that you're alone. My MIL will be 93 next month and she's always had a difficult relationship with her eldest son. Her mind is wandering now and she's losing touch with reality. She's in a home at the moment and during one of his visits she loudly snapped at him, "You can go home now!"
Sympathy for you, at 99 she won't be around for much longer. My mum didn't last long enough to be difficult but at least she was spared the indignities of old age.

my mum was exactly like this. Towards the end of her long life it was like trying to negotiate with a stroppy 3 year old!

Sorry but no sympathy here. I'm not swayed by good manners/bad manners. NINETY NINE YEARS OLD

I'm sure she's far more comfortable in her own chair (or bed), doing what she wants like napping, eating what and when she wants

My experience of mothers who live well into their 90s, is that they get plonked into an armchair and after the ooing and ahing of cards and gifts, are generally ignored till max 2 hours into the visit they want to go home.

When my own mother, 95 with all her marbles intact, refused to come over at Christmas I can say hand on heart, that I got it. Too much noise, too many kids, too much good. My sister was fuming because she took my mums lunch to hers (after we had eaten).

It's just a sad yet common problem. Mothers Day is hardly a life changing event.

So to all the over 90s out there .... Do what YOU want.

Think it should have been you visiting your mother, not her visiting you. Have you got children? did they visit you or were you expected to visit them?

It must have been frustrating having prepared the meal, her lift and got the house just so for her first visit to have her refuse to budge, but I'm afraid that as we get older empathy, manners and consideration seem to be some of things which are lost in order to just survive. A fair bit of lateral thinking and humour is needed by caring offspring!

You really have to develop a sense of humour to cope as people get older. My mum is 94 we took lunch to her and she enjoyed it. She has been known to make the most inappropriate remarks and to attribute things I have done for her to someone else (often one of my sons). We just make a joke of it, as we do when she tells the same embarrasing stories about my childhood and teens. It isn't any use being upset about it because she won't improve and she may well get worse. You could I suppose talk to her about it, but I'm not sure that will make any difference. Best just to take a deep breath and try to see the funny side. Oh and at least you have a brother who helps, mine is 250miles away and visits once a year. Stay strong!

99yrs old not 90yrs old! Keep her going and she will get a certificate from the Queen when she is 100yrs old. Good Luck!

Georgia491 you are not alone. My Mother went the same way. ie preferring our young brother to me and my sisters. It is because she had dementia in her old age. Do not take it to heart, forget all the nasty remarks and accusations because she really doesn't know what day it is never mind understands what she is saying. My brother never visited except for about 3 times a year whilst we did all that needed to be done. We all clubbed together to buy this bungalow (she did not contribute anything) and yet she told him she was going to leave everything to him and cut us out. Of course she couldn't do that because the bungalow belonged to us all not our Mother. Bless her she had dementia. Don't let this cause trouble or bad feelings between you all.