Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

My DH was so bad mannered in a social situation

(31 Posts)
over60plus Sun 09-Apr-17 21:33:12

We are very fond of dancing, we have a wide circle of like minded friends one of our dances changed venues my Sister and Her husband came along, we made them welcome came and joined us a couple of weeks in they bring along a couple of friends we all move round to make room, then last week more came along

Wasn't room for us to sit with our friends so I suggested we move my DH said lot likely so a very uncomfortable evening, unbeknown to me my Brother in law and tried to introduce this new couple to my DH and apparently he said not interested very rude in my opinion when I went to sit back down all turned backs on me.

We had a row from hell on our return home he said sorry didn't know what had come over him. Then this morning brother in law turns up with something he had borrowed said I will not be coming in, Tried to explain how they had forced there way in used us until they got feet under table, and we felt driven away, he is a retired Solicitor so very intimidating he said we were sad and miserable we have been with our circle for over 15 years

janeainsworth Sun 09-Apr-17 22:16:30

over60 your DH has apologised.
It's your BiL who has a problem.
Don't take any notice of him.
Go to your dance next time & pretend nothing happened.

Jalima1108 Sun 09-Apr-17 22:39:56

Go a bit earlier and sit with the friends you have known for 15 years and enjoy yourselves.
They can make their own little clique in a corner

Christinefrance Mon 10-Apr-17 08:14:44

Yes, your husband has apologised so don't miss out on an activity you enjoy. I agree with Jalima, sit with your friends next time and enjoy the dancing,

jusnoneed Mon 10-Apr-17 08:33:08

As the saying goes, you can choose your friends. I think your hubby was right to stay with the friends you have been going with all this time. Leave your sister and her hubby to their friends and rejoin yours.

sweetcakes Mon 10-Apr-17 10:47:57

Did DH apologies to your BIL for being rude, and I presume you invited them to come to the dance in the first place which they enjoyed so much they wanted to share it with their friends, really your adults this is not the school playground

IngeJones Mon 10-Apr-17 10:56:09

There are some changes that can happen in the brain of older people, and one of the less common types causes episodes of socially inappropriate behaviour rather than forgetfulness. If your husband truly doesn't know why he behaved like that, do get him to speak to his doctor.

TillyWhiz Mon 10-Apr-17 11:26:18

I would imagine you poor DH had had more than enough of your DS and BIL, and, having held his tongue for a long time, then felt the need to snap. It happens to many of us but you are probably feeling piggy in the middle. However I don't expect your comments to your BIL helped. Can you talk to your sister to iron things out?

Starlady Mon 10-Apr-17 13:06:30

Over60, I'm sorry this happened, but there's a lot I don't get here. Hope you don't mind answering some questions...

Did you people invite ds and bil to join you or did they invite themselves? How did they "force" their way in?

It sounds as if this last time, dh stayed with your friends while you sat with ds and bil and their friends. Is that correct?

When did bil try to introduce dh to the new couple? Was it before or after bil brought still more people and created a problem? If it was after, I think it's obvious why dh was rude, don't you?

Who turned their backs on you - your friends or ds, bil and their friends?

Starlady Mon 10-Apr-17 13:17:21

Sorry also to hear what bil said to you. But maybe he felt he was defending himself against what you said to him. It was an accusation, imo, not an "explanation."

Also, he might not be willing to accept a secondhand apology from dh. If dh really feels he was out of line, he needs to apologize directly to bil and maybe the other couple (if they heard him).

Perhaps there are apologies needed all around. Or maybe you just need some space from each other for a while. I doubt you'll be going dancing together in the near future and maybe that's just as well. You and dh will be able to sit with your friends and ds and bil can sit somewhere else with their friends or go somewhere else?

Or have they taken over with your friends? Ah, there's another comment that needs clearing up, at least for me. You say you and dh "felt driven away." Do you mean from your own friends or from ds and bil?

Caro1954 Mon 10-Apr-17 14:03:01

So sorry about this but just do what others have said - go back, sit with your friends, say hello to your relatives and pretend nothing has happened. Don't let them see you're upset by not being upset! My BiL and his wife have been behaving oddly for a couple of years (we don't live close and it's taken me this long to realise!) but if/when I see them again I'll plaster on a big smile and act normally. Or at least as normally as I can! Don't worry!

sarahellenwhitney Mon 10-Apr-17 14:53:19

May it be assumed your are expert in the field of Cognitive Behaviour in the over 60's?

janeainsworth Mon 10-Apr-17 15:17:52

starlady Aren't you overdramatising this?
OP and her DH had a row. He apologised. End of.
BiL took offence. Let him get over it.
Least said, soonest mended.
Get your dancing shoes on over60 and forget about it 💃😁

sarahellenwhitney Mon 10-Apr-17 15:21:10

Don't let this incident spoil the enjoyment of what you share with others.
It is a shame you had conflict with your DH, I believe he did offer you an olive branch?
If others wish to carry on with such 'sulky' behaviour then you and DH need to look for wider areas in which to carry on with your social activities.

IngeJones Mon 10-Apr-17 15:51:24

Sarah, you don't have to be an expert in a thing to know something. It's true - look it up if you don't believe me. And another reason can be a vascular disorder or kidneys not working well. All reasons why a person may have spells of acting out of character. If the DH cannot actually explain the rationale for his responses that evening, and is taken aback by his own behaviour, then it wants to be looked into. It would be very sad if this couple lost their friends through something that wasn't the man's fault.

Norah Mon 10-Apr-17 15:55:43

Sit with your friends next time. Sister and BIL will do with their friends.

Natter on nicely in passing. Easypeasy.

paddyann Mon 10-Apr-17 16:22:42

isn't it nice your Sister and Brother in law wanted to join your company and were keen to bring their friends to meet you .I wouldn't see that as a problem ,we've never kept friends and family seperate and are always delighted when we all get together whether its planned or a spontaneous night out .I'm sure your friends wont desert you in favour of your family and their friends ,cant you all just get along ?

MawBroon Mon 10-Apr-17 17:45:29

So he was a bit grumpy?
It sounds as if your BIL is making a mountain out of a molehill and anyway, if harsh words were exchanged those are between your DH and your BIL
I would say ruse above it, move on and carry on doing what you enjoy.

Jalima1108 Mon 10-Apr-17 17:49:02

Perhaps he just doesn't like his BIL, perhaps he has kept this bottled up for years but this was one time too many.

sarahellenwhitney Mon 10-Apr-17 18:01:04

Placid,? easy going? how many times have we heard the words, 'that's not like him /her to act like this.Then something comes along that can really make the placid easy going type let of steam but doesn't necessarily mean they are on the verge of organ failure.
Having been questioned on his outburst(made to sit on the naughty step) DH appeared embarrassed saying he couldn't understand why.
Why not?why should he have moved away from friends to accommodate others.Sorry guys' but I am in DH's corner on this one.

Penstemmon Mon 10-Apr-17 18:12:12

I agree this feels like a storm in a teacup and a bit childish but:
the OPs DH apologised to her not to BiL I think so BiL not had an apology for rudeness by DH.

Agree one outburst is not necessarily a sign of ill health but I suppose if it was an increasing pattern it could be!

BiL seems a bit insensitive to others feelings and rather rude too.. maybe a bit full of own importance.. or have others got chips on shoulders?

Either way get those glad rags on and go dancing and enjoy yourselves. Take the moral high ground! wink

stillaliveandkicking Mon 10-Apr-17 20:21:43

Im probably a bit like your husband. I'm ok with a couple of interlopers but not good with many jumping on the bandwagon.

kooklafan Tue 11-Apr-17 08:28:37

The DS and BIL were out of order bringing their own friends along and expecting everyone else to make room. They should have got their own table.

I don't think it's petty at all, it's the principle. The DH may have handled the situation wrongly but he could see what they were doing, no wonder he was angry.

I would write a letter to the sister explaining that you initially invited them along to be part of YOUR crowd and were disappointed in their behaviour that night. Slowly ingratiating themselves within your circle and trying to usurp your position not to mention how rude they were to bring more people. They should have mentioned previosly how so and so would enjoy this and would it be alright if they brought them along some time?

We held a party once and only had enough room for X amount of guests so we invited accordingly. We were annoyed to discover that two of the guests we had invited brought along more people. It's just rude and funnily enough, it's often the so called educated people who are the culprits!

IngeJones Tue 11-Apr-17 08:33:13

But Sarah, if you are on DH's side, you should take note that he himself said he didn't know what came over him. It's not like he explained to his wife that he did it because he was annoyed about the situation, which he could have done in private with her if that was the case.

kooklafan Tue 11-Apr-17 08:34:34

just adding, I imagine your DHs feelings regarding your BIL have been simmering away for quite some time, there's only so much a person can take before they snap.

I think I would apologise to my DH too, tell him you understand now where he was coming from. He has feelings too and deep down he might think your BIL is an obnoxious pratt?

I imagine he felt betrayed by your arguing with him over the BIL when he felt you should be on his side.
Yes he could have handled it with more finesse but he's not in the wrong. The DS and BIL are.