Taking care of GC and getting ill

My DM always did the ironing on the kitchen table with a couple of old blankets and an old sheet on top of the table.

I digress!

I actually like ironing! having been all my life in the garment industry I spent a lot of time ironing, and always have the board up even now- in fact not a board as such, I iron on a padded worktop, My MIL showed me how to speed-iron a man's shirt on a table, and I've never looked back.

BACK TO TOPIC!!

I wasn't feeling too well for the past week but we have just had the DGC for a day and taken them out, nothing too strenuous I must add, and I feel much better for fresh air and watching them enjoying themselves.
However, DH was with me.

Meantime I do DD's ironing...that's the only way I can help
willia you're 86 and you do your DD's ironing .

I would rather look after two DGC of any age than do any ironing!

I became my granddaughters legal guardian when I was just turned 60, and she was 2 years 8 months old. I can honestly say that we have sailed through life together, and I will be 80 in July, she is 22. I can't believe how quickly the years have gone by. I think having her has kept me young.

We had our lovely GS much earlier than expected-was only 50. Did what we could when working full time in a busy job myself, and now am retired help out in school holidays etc. We have a close and loving relationship but the key is not taking on too much childcare and getting exhausted which means being honest with your kids about boundaries-if your own health fails that will limit your capacity in future to enjoy your grandchildren. Must say as a young woman I found it exhausting sometimes looking after my own children, so not surprised to feel knackered second time round! I just think everyone needs to find a way based on age, health and other commitments. Good luck!

yorkshiregirl I too was a RAF Wife hundreds of miles away from home, i had my children and i looked after them. "Me" time was the occasional trip to the loo on my own if i was really lucky and one night out for the "Christmas do* ever year.Like you i look back and think and think how wonderful those days were.
Adult children wont go into freefall if us big grownup's stop wiping their noses for them.

We live far enough away that we can't do the pick ups and drop offs at school, so when they come, they stay for a few days and that's fine. I wouldn't want to have a regular commitment because it's too restricting.

I find it interesting though, that there is an expectation that their parents can

Good comment, Jalima!

I find teenagers are mentally exhausting, actually, I never know what to say to them! When they were small they chatted away happily, but just at the moment we seem to have little in common...well, that's not surprising seeing that I'm 86 and they are 14 and 17!

This will pass...but I keep getting the dread and unwanted thought that I may not live to have that wonderful rapport when they are grown up.

Meantime I do DD's ironing...that's the only way I can help. [Sorry to deviate from the OP]

I agree Christinefrance. Our parents were 200 miles away when we had our children and we both worked. We had to organise things so they were collected from school and cared for during the holidays.
Do babysitting groups or reciprocal childcare no longer exist? Grandparents should NOT be expected to take primary responsibility for providing care whether it makes them ill or not. I have a friend who ups sticks once a month and travels 200 miles to take care of GC for a week. They don't mind doing it but it certainly should not be expected that GPs will put their own lives on hold. My philosophy has always been that you should not have children unless you a) can afford them and b) want to take care of them.
Admittedly two salaries are needed to buy a house these days but are our children really so much happier than we were when we had to save in order to be able to buy things. Have we done our children a disservice by encouraging them to want more and more? I'm all for both parents having a satisfying career - I wanted that too - but not at the expense of others, in this case their parents AND their children.

I have recently had to admit that I am not up to minding twin grandsons two-and-a-half days a week even with the support of my partner. We were fine with our granddaughter whom we looked after full-time, (she is now 4 and stays over once a week - this is at our request) But the boys, 15 months old, are too heavy for my arthritic shoulders, knees and back. I felt dreadful letting my daughter down because I know she needs the money, but I suffered so much pain at the w/e I wasn't able to do anything for myself.

I think it's a bit unfair of the article to say that the parents are 'prioritising their careers', as if it's a free choice, when very often it's a necessity because of the ludicrous cost of housing, especially in London and much of the SE.

I didn't work when mine were tiny - I didn't need to. Many now do not have the luxury of that choice.
Having said that, and having looked after a grandchild for one day a week and for longer periods in emergencies, I do agree that it can be exhausting. My dd now has two, still both under 2, and I've told her that I don't think I can manage both, even for one day, when she goes back to work.
I will however offer to pay for one day of childcare, but I know I am lucky to be able to offer this.

When I had my own children I very rarely called on my parents for childcare/ babysitting etc. Even though I was a single parent from when DS was 6 and DD was 4, I built up a circle of friends and we all helped each other out. I too am amazed at the number of GNs who are fully committed to looking after GC to the exclusion of everything else. Get a life yourselves. I have looked after my twin GC (who were 3 at the time) including a 2 day regular session of child minding for one year which involve a 160 mile round trip and an overnight stay. This was however time limited to one year by both myself and my DD My travel expenses and incidental costs were paid and I was only 63 at the time now at 70 I would not even contemplate it.

Are there any grandma's that live with their son or daughter and grandchild. I would love to share your experiences.

Like Karen 1959 I did the weekly caring in my 50's and early 60's, whilst also caring for my mum, well I seemed to have the energy then but I don't have it now. I know the national statistics say more grandparents than ever are helping out but I have noticed a marked reluctance setting in with my over 70 friends who all admit they don't have the energy. DGC just come to play whilst parents go off for things like Dr's appointments now and occasional feed ups.

Heartily endorse what Teddy posted. Would I do it again?
Never. The commitment is enormous but once you have said you will do it, it is too late.

I hate this conversation! Since when was it ok to look after grandchildren in our latter years-and not feel exhausted. I was exhausted bringing up my own, let alone do it again 30 years later. I love my grandchildren but I wouldn't look after them routinely. I think if the parents want to work(we decided to be fairly broke for a few years but it doesn't seem an option now) then they need to pay for childcare. I've been looking forward to my retirement with less responsibilities and worries and actually-sticking my neck out now- I feel I deserve that. There are many I know who would disagree but I really don't think that they can expect to take all that on and not be worn out doing it. Biologically, there's an age to bear children and bring them up, and bucking nature never works.

My grandaughter lives with me so yes it is tiring but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I read the article and I can see how this can happen if you're not mindful of your own needs. A good friend gave some great advice to me some years back and warned me not to give up my job to babysit as she had done that with awful consequences. She felt isolated, lonely and taken forgranted, so she went back to work and used the money to pay for childcare. She said she didn't care she was working for nothing as having some adult contact meant much more to her. This also meant that any resentment she had towards her daughter disappeared and the relationship was better as a result.

I currently work full time, but I do try and help out with looking after my 4 GC. However, I already talked to my children and explained that when I fully retire, I am not going to babysit full time, if at all. I told them that I want to travel and although I love them dearly, having worked all my life and also been a carer for many members of the family, I feel I deserve a break.

I think the important thing here is to think of your own needs and fit helping out around that. I don't believe that being a martyr serves anyone. With the best will in the world, we don't have a magic wand, it's ultimately their responsibility, as our children were to us. Support by all means, but not at the detriment of your own health and interests.

Had just read that article in yesterday's paper & confess it made me feel better though the 2 grandmothers in question seemed like absolute angels.

Jalima I think you've absolutely cracked this one & am still laughing at the do I feel better or worse. We shall never know.

I too am an older grandma. I was 32 when I had my twins, older than ALL my friends. And then my DD had her son when she was 35. I shall be 70 next week and my GS will start school in September. I've already been enrolled to collect him once a week from school which sounds perfect! Dinner out, drop him home ...

Have I enjoyed the close experience? Of course!
Would I do it again?
Absolutely not!

I'm not in a position to offer free childcare myself, and, if truth be told, the baby and toddler years of parenthood were not where I shone as a parent.

Last time DS and family stayed with us, I found my 2 yo GS's shouts of 'MUMMY!' nearly had me running, and I was actually relieved to remember that 'MUMMY!' wasn't me any more! Been there, done that!

I do agree that many of this generation are having to struggle financially, and we do everything we can to help, remembering how it felt to be very short of money in the early years of our children's lives. I do genuinely adore my GCs and would love to live near them and to see more of them. But they are their parents' responsibility, and I think it's bad for everyone if that isn't clear.

I was asked once and said "no". We help out in emergencies but balk at taking the gc to the dentist etc, it is not our responsibility. A doctor once told me it was unbelievable how many grandparents came to his surgery exhausted because of their child minding duties.

Really interesting article, thanks for sharing. Last year I felt absolutely drained. I've been looking after my twin GD 2 days a week since they were a year old (they have just celebrated their 5th birthday). I also had them 1 weekend a month.
Towards the end of 2015 I also had my terminally ill mother living with me (she sadly passed away New Year's Day 2016).
Towards the latter half of last year I felt totally exhausted. I thought it was all because I was overweight and not healthy enough (well obese to be honest).
Reading that article I'm surprised I managed at all!

Some of these posts make me feel sad - and longing to shout 'just say NO!'if you want to reduce or even stop the childcare. My GC live 300 mls away but we see a lot of each other considering the distance, and I do travel to stay a few days at a time to help out. But there is no obligation, and no regularity. It's not fair for parents to rely on GPs and they may not even know the inevitable tiredness and feeling tired is a burden.

Many of us also have very elderly relatives ourselves, as well as the GC, and they take up time and emotional headspace - that's the case with me, for example.
But I keep it all under control

I do think many of us in our 60s and 70s may be missing out because of family care upwards and downwards. My own mother was in her late 70s when her mother died, and it's not unusual for people in their 70s to have care and responsibility for people in the 90s....not right, if it's done at the expense of their own health and well-being.

How tiring it is depends on the children. Today I'm sat by a pool drinking tea while GD1 and GD2 splash around. Very relaxing!
They are 10 and 11.
I look after GD5 and GD6 two days a week with an overnight. This is full on they are 3 and 19 months. GD6 is into everything and needs watching all the time. But they are lovely children and I think it is a privilege be trusted with them. Also they come to my house which I find easier.
GD3 was the hardest. I cared for her one day a week from 9 months until she started school oncluding an overnight. Tantrums and stroppy behaviour. Not the easiest job I've ever had but I still love her, and think I went some way to calm her down a bit.
Good luck with your grand-caring everyone!. It's only a few short years and forms bonds that will last forever.