Sensitive husband

What an insightful lot you all are! A heartfelt thanks to everyone for your messages of support. There's some great advice there for me to think about and I don't feel quite so alone in this any more. It's a big step to tell our adult children (my husband doesn't want them to know and has repeatedly made me promise never to tell them) but I think I will have a word with our GP and see where that takes me.

Thanks again everyone!

I also wondered about the autistic suggestion - my DS and DH are both over-sensitive to what they see as "criticism", going OTT at even gentle teasing. DS was diagnosed in childhood as Aspergers, and I suspect that DH (and potentially also myself - always regarded as "odd") would have been diagnosed eith it, had it existed in the 50s-60s. It can be very mild and manageable - little more than a label, but it does mean that you can accept that it is a recognised condition and there are coping mechanisms available.

My SIL has a terrible problem with paranoia and he is also very jealous. My poor daughter has lost most of their joint friends and only sees her friends on her own. He has fallen out with us, not sure why but think he feels inferior as our other daughter has a lot of money. He thinks everyone should apologise to him and he brings up situations from years ago. Think they are heading for divorce. I think you need to get some help for your husband and hopefully you can make him see sense.

Quizqueen...you are so right...I agree with you...
and Sheila63...he sounds like a Jeckyl & Hyde character,
unlikely to change...so challenge his childish behaviour by putting YOURSELF first...that way you'll ease into your own way of coping...
be sure to ignore his outbursts...you owe it to yourself as you are worth more than the life you have to put up with right now,

My DH does this too. He seems to take the least important part of a conversation and then blow it up out of all proportion. I am accused of "never being on my side", which can be difficult to deal with. I find I have to be precise in what I say otherwise it is misinterpreted. When it's explained to him that he has the wrong end of the stick and that wasn't what was meant at all, he usually sees it but is still aggrieved and feels people are not being quite honest about their earlier remarks. If I have a conversation with a man I'm chatting him up or he's after me. (I'm 71)! We've been together since we were 18 and he's always been the same - I pretty much ignore it all, but it can get embarrassing. We did an on-line test for Aspergers, seems like he's on the spectrum, but of course he doesn't agree. So I guess that's life and he's still my darling! After all, the Queen has to live with Prince Phillip, doesn't she?

Yes he has turned me into a nag and groaner I lay awake at night planning my leaving. However when I think of his family I can understand the way he is. Really I think with most men its in his D N A. I have wasted a lot of my breath and energy on him. Ive give up on him, its his loss. You really cannot teach an old dog new tricks. You have my sympathy,truly, I have put up with this for 47 years. I have gone on holidays abroad and in u k on my own many times and enjoyed them greatly, being able to chat or walk which way you want is wonderful. Try it you will come back refreshed and able to cope with his attitudes. Then when its getting you down again book another break or visit family. Get some respite from it. Good luck.

As he refuses to seek medical advice, the situation is unlikely to change so the only thing you can do is look after yourself and put your own happiness first.

Confide in your family and friends add say the situation is now unbearable and see if you are able to stay with any of them. When he starts his tantrums, first go into another room and ignore him. If that is not enough, then leave the house and sit in the car or walk the dog or whatever you can do to get away but you should refuse to be drawn into his paranoia or listen or respond to his ravings. If you have to, walk out and stay with your family or friends or in a cheap hotel/b&b for a day or two and say you will only return when his ravings have stopped. If you remove the audience, who is there to complain to? Only respond to him when he is being the 'funny and charming ' person you say he can be just like you would reward a child for good behaviour. If I was in your position that is what I would do because I would not want to lose my friends and family and live an unhappy life so I would put myself first.

Sheila63
Seroxat - you could b talking about my DH.
It finally came to a 'see a doc or that's it' scenario. Seroxat was a godsend. He came off it twice and each time we reverted to tricksy egg shell situation. He's now on it for life thank goodness.

He sounds just like my dil's father. Not saying anything to the person who makes the remarks, but being angry with you when you do not see things the same way. Slowly but slowly he has told relatives including his own children that he does not want to see them anymore over the years but they are baffled as to why. He does not have dementia he just is of the opinion that he is right all the time and his wife should support him whether she agrees or not.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties ! It does seem as if your husband is suffering with some kind of paranoia which could respond to treatment ....if only he would seek it ! Like another post on here, my husband was diagnosed with front temporal lobe vascular dementia (mild) with narcissistic personality disorder, following his second mini stroke However, my problem is directly the opposite ! He is always right ...never listens to anyone, to the point of rudeness. We no longer have any friends, as he has told them all to go away ....In the beginning I would go and apologise to people for his behaviour...now I have no one left to apologise to ! He is slowly getting much worse ...now he does not understand what people are saying to him ...of course it is not his fault, but every one else's ! It comes to the point where I simply cannot take any more but what can I do > He was the life and soul of every party when I first met him when he was 68 and since then has renovated two houses driven hundreds of miles between Spain, the UK and all over France...I try to say to myself he must be very frustrated now by his inability (on medical grounds) at 84 to stop driving ,,he doesn't speak the language or understand anything, so all the dealings with authorities, medics. etc are down to me. Luckily I lived on my own bringing up my daughter so am used to dealing with everything ,,,but lack of friends or even family that bothers to contact him, is driving me insane !

Is there anyone who knows him well enough to treat what he says about them as a humerous thing ? Have you asked the people he says are saying nasty things about him what they actually said to him and what was his reaction ?

I am not an advocate of Dr Google, but sometimes you can find support from a group for people with your problems/his problems and a problem shared is a problem halved ......the mental health organisation MIND (not sure what it is called now) might be able to help .....or the Alzheimer society (they do not only deal with diagnosed Alzheimer disease) There are many types of paranoia and it does definitely seem that he has even maybe, a mild type perhaps

Good luck ...very hard for you and the family !

A GP should be prepared to receive information about your husband but obviously cannot talk about your DH themselves because of confidentiality.
I wonder if your hubby is developing paraphrenia- a paranoid illness which can develop in older age. It is amenable to medication so worth having investigations/ diagnosis.

My gp refuses to discuss my husband in any way with me unless he is there too even if I'm worried

Typo. In my mind at nights I meant

Well, my husband now takes things literally since his strokes from which he made a good recovery and often takes things the wrong way, or indeed says insensitive things. So in company I walk on eggshells.
Personally I have had depression and anxiety and I go over and over things in my mouth nd at night and get upset out of proportion.
That said, u need coping strategies for both of you. Perhaps a time out sign or word so you can go before the conversation becomes more upsetting.

What was your husband like at work OP? Does he still work or have hobbies? Do you think building his confidence will help in any way at all?

What things have worked for you both already?

I'm not so concerned with 'making him see the real picture' - whatever the real picture is - as we all perceive life differently...and I am aware that those who work with patients diagnosed with dementia are now trained to 'go along' with whatever the patient is saying.
(though I'm not saying your husband has dementia at all.)

Nothing that could be useful is flakey, Disgruntled. I think you need to be open to trying flower remedies though. I used to use one of them for fear of flying and found it more useful that swigging a gin and tonic as soon as the trolley came round, as I then felt half asleep when I got off. The remedy probably did help as I don't use anything now and even enjoyed a recent trip to Dublin on a no frills airline! As a lot of the flight was over water I didn't worry as I can swim a few lengths at the local pool. Amazing at what unrealistic comforts we can cling on to.
I digress, and perhaps the OP could try the remedy (for both of them?)

This might just sound a bit flakey, but one of the Bach flower remedies, White Chestnut, is specifically for unwanted thoughts going round and round the head. They're mild, natural, no side effects, so the worst that could happen would be nothing, no change. Might be worth a go. Good luck and hugs.

Without going back through the posts, Gromit, I think the OP said that she has already shown a lot of sympathy, but her OH wants her to collude with him, which would be a bit like game playing. He is overly sensitive to an unacceptable point now and really does need to have some investigations to rule out, hopefully, organic problems. It must be hard fir him, yes, to feel so miserable but it's very difficult for her too, which is why I tried to encourage her to do things without him.

Have you ever considered he might be perfectly correct in describing what he feels? I grew up with completely unacceptable behaviour but, if I showed I was upset, I was told I was being 'too sensitive' that 'it was only a joke'. Your husband is upset, that is how he feels, he would like some support. How awful it must be to go through life, feeling upset, voicing what you feel, asking for help and support, and not receiving it?

Difficult situation for you. Your DH certainly sees himself as a victim doesn't he? I agree he needs to get professional help but until he realises this himself, he's unlikely to do it. Maybe you could see your GP and talk to him/her? They can sometimes be very helpful and tactful in such situations. Good luck. X

Hi Sheila. So you think he might be suffering from depression!. You have to find a way to get him to see his gp but not before you have had a chance to speak with him first to explain the problems you're having.

It must be very difficult for you but you've hung on in there for a long time, put up with all that stuff so don't give up now. You say he's funny and charming and I'm sure he is but behind closed doors!!. You really can't put this off any longer. You have to talk to your children about it and let them know how difficult this is and how it's become worse. You don't say if your husband works or if he's retired but if you have to put up with this all day every day you will end up being depressed yourself. Get help now. Good luck.

Coolgran, yes that's how I went about it too, went to see our GP when I was very concerned about my husband's memory problems. She got him referred to a Memory clinic who sent him for various tests, together with a brain scan. He was subsequently diagnosed with early vascular dementia.
Please Sheila,do go to see your GP and also tell your children.
Sending you a hug.

Just wanted to send a gentle hug, it sounds a worrying and frustrating situation and I cant offer any other help apart from the excellent advice you've already received from other posters. One thing I was wondering , would it be worth mentioning to a small number of close friends and see what they perceive him to be like or if they notice any changes? If its enough to have you asking for advice here and obviously causing you worry and distress then I really think for your own sanity and well being you may need to either step away and try not to let it get to you , or seek professional help. Not everything is a medical problem, and in fact many times its just the personality of the individual , which has no label or diagnosis. Hope " talking it over" has helped a bit x

One really effective tactic is to write down what is going on in your head, if you can encourage him to do this he may be able to start to let these things go and free his mind from all the negativity. Positive and healthy activities that don't necessarily involve too much social interaction, like walking or just getting out in nature are also helpful to create a clear mind. Sounds like he's got a lot of psychological clearing to do! Give him time and just hold space for him, because when it starts to shift it will really shift.

Maybe that's just him, I am not sure medicalising every, depression, paranoia and foible helps. If you read biographies of many of the most creative, fascinating, capable people who ever lived, they all have eccentricities, people just tolerated them or not, in which case they had to get on with it themelves.

Rather in the same way I think about this tidal wave of depression/ social anxiety etc it is just life and we have to step away from becoming somebodies 'client' and just cope with whoever we are.

The therapies on offer are not guaranteed to 'cure' people, social services are not 'your friend' pre dementia is something we all have..........if we just live long enough to develop the real thing.

If he has managed thus far then he doesn't think it is a problem, you and your friends might but consider what it might do to him to tackle it head on........

If there were guaranteed outcomes to all these 'mental health issues' then I would say snap them up, but there aren't and you run the risk of making things worse.