Am I wrong to be slighty appalled at DIL

People promise based on their circumtances at the time and perform according to their circumstances later...........when people are bereaved or divorce young, their lives often start over again...........such is life.

Writing stuff down does help however, it is only as good as the last will which you can be totally unaware of until it is needed.

There is life after divorce.........no one owes their kids anything. If the inheritence was part of the divorce package and written in to the settlement who would enforce that especially if the money is spent?

I hate the idea that adult children see their parent's home as their inheritance rather than their home. My mother was struggling in a house that she could not longer cope with because she wanted something to leave us. I was horrified when I realised that and luckily managed to persuade her to sell and to move into somewhere with support services.
You get reports of someone elderly having to move from a retirement home because they can no longer afford it when it is clear that there is a house that the children are complaining may have to be sold because the state is too mean to step in. It seems all too common.

I've learnt a lot from these posts. I have a friend who says the younger generation seem to have a rather distasteful sense of entitlement to their parents' assets. Never having inherited a penny myself ( my father left everything to his mistress & stepchildren) I have been freed from these anxieties. However, I am to have a major operation later this year and it occurred to me that if I died, my husband might go back to HIS former mistress who would inherit as she is considerably younger. So: I'm taking a leaf from the book of the poster who warned about this eventuality and having our will changed to leave my half of assets to our three children.

My only thought on this is if the SF is putting pressure on your DILs DM. It would be awful if he's making her part with her money in order for him to have a good time and then her be left with nothing.

Also, DIL should consult a solicitor if she feels so aggrieved. However, we all know where that will lead, if the solicitor thinks there is a case to answer to.

This is an all too familiar story. A couple of my friends whose father had remarried, admittedly after the death of their mother, have felt very bitter about the new step mother and her offspring receiving a share of what they regard as their inheritance. They also resented any money their father spent on himself. Now both have lost their fathers and are left with step mothers they cannot get on with and who have inherited everything. We have never received anything from parents as they were not very well off and I know my children do not expect to inherit anything from us.

My DH was fleeced of wages to pay his parents mortgage, MiL wanted to live in a house they couldn't really afford. This resulted in us having to have a smaller home when we married. When his mother was widowed and remarried much later in life to a smart aleck who had a much smaller house, he was concerned about his inheritance . However she outlived H2 so DH and my SiL inherited, perfectly justly IMO. They did care for their mother in her old age, very well. They knew if husband 2 had outlived her he would have left everything to his children.
So I do have sympathy with children who lose their inheritance through remarriage.

I agree with all that's been said - there are two things here. First the DIL is disappointed that what was said didnt actually happen. My Fsther told me that he and his second wife had written their wills to leave their halves of the joint property to their respective children from previous marriages when they died. That didn't happen - they were" joint owners" so the whole house went to our stepmother on his death. You have to be "joint tenants in common " written in the deeds and then you can leave your half to your kids.

It seems to cause so much unhappiness and is this because some children do have an overblown sense of entitlement? An individual can leave their money to whoever they choose, be it children, mistresses or Battersea Dogs Home, and and is it THEIRS to dispose of as they wish. As for the grasping individual who resented his father spending his own money on himself - well!! My DC have encouraged us to spend our money and enjoy our life; possibly because there isn't much to fight over when we drop off our perches, but I have seen such massive rifts in families when there is a lot at stake. It's a bonus to get a financial lift in life from your parents, not a right.

There are so many things we don't know about the background to this story. The house and subsequent property were sold 'to pay their debts'. Is this true or hearsay? When the mother was left with the house after divorce, was she also left with a mortgage to pay? I got 75% of the equity of my house but had to take on what was left of the mortgage. Luckily I had a job. What was the mother's situation? I paid off the mortgage when I retired and downsized. And I was able to go on holidays, visit sister in NZ - things I never was able to do during my marriage. My sons have never begrudged me a penny. I agree with Ana that it's odd that we haven't been told if the father is still in the picture.

If her mother has eventually to go into a care home the house would have to be sold to pay the fees so there would potentially be little left to inherit anyway greedy madam!

I do not think, generally, adult children do see their parents home as an inheritance rather than a home, but one would need to be completely purblind as our parent's get older not to realise that when they die we are likely to receive some of their assets and in some cases the value of these can be considerable.

Teresa May may have lost both her parents by the time she was 25, but her experience is, thankfully, exceptional. Nowadays, the majority of people are nearing retirement age or retired when their parents dies, and no matter how much financial foresight one has in planning and saving for retirement, few of us could deny that the receipt of a lump sum of money as we go into retirement is a great peace of mind issue; knowing that you have control over what type of care home you go into, if you do, because you are self-funding, or knowing you can afford alterations to your house or to buy in help if required. That doesn't mean while our parents live we look at their assets with £ signs in our eyes

However, the mean, the grasping and the avaricious are always with us and they will be like that in every aspect of their lives, including seeing their parents assets as theirs to covet

I hasten to add, is not what I think is happening in this case. I think bytheway's DiL is more upset by what she sees is the breakdown in trust between parent and child, and that the nature of her mother's new relationship is, perhaps, contributing to a loosening of the mother and daughter bond. The upset over the lost inheritance is a symptom, not a cause.

Abject apologies: I have just noticed that Ana's question was answered.
Memo to self: read the thread!!

Maybe the mother always wanted to spend and enjoy life but her first husband didn't and that contributed to the divorce,

My mother died at 51 and both parents had worked hard and made sacrifices to buy a house. After my mother died my father was in a new partnership and they both made Wills leaving their property to one another and then when they both died everything would be sold and divided equally between their children. Unexpectedly as his partner was very frail and my father looked after her, my father died first and she inherited everything. All of a sudden the frail lady who couldn't get on a bus had a new lease of life, sold the house and with the proceeds travelled with at least 3 trips to Australia but ended up in a council residential home in U.K. She also made changes to her Will but everything was sold, and after her new wishes were met the remains was divided between us and we received a small amount,

I know my father would have honoured their agreement but I feel angry for my mother who gave up so much to buy this house, to then have the procedures squandered by this women. The warning is once someone has inherited they can change their will and she could have changed it so her children inherited everything and us nothing. So beware as this happens more than you think.

Nothing written, then Mum can enjoy herself as much as she likes, and good for her, I hope she has a long life!

Anyone who makes assumptions about what they may or may not inherit from relatives, despite what may have been said in the past, is deluded. Situations change constantly, as do inheritance intentions. You're right to stay out of this one...

Inheritance is not a 'right' Whatever somebody may choose to leave you is in fact a bonus left to you at their discretion.

What a greedy wom DIL is! I 'expect' nothing from my mum, anything I do get will be a gift and a bonus. As for our daughter, she is constantly urging her dad and me to spend and enjoy what she says is OUR money, rather than squirrelling it away to leave to her.

I just think that it is important that the OP does not judge her DIL too harshly - she is only human and, if she had been told that this is what would be happening and she does not get on with her stepfather, there is more than money at stake here, but also her emotions. Try and stay good pals with her and cut her a bit of slack.

Couldn't agree more, ethelwulf. My mother worked hard and saved all her life, She wanted to leave everything to me and my brother because she had never inherited anything. I so wish that she had 'squandered' it on travelling the world. Now, she is in an advanced state of dementia and paying over £900 per week in nursing home fees. Yes, it would be nice to inherit something, but I'd give anything just to have her back for an hour.

Stay out of it for sure but I do have some sympathy.

After my parents divorced when I was a teenager my Dad ( my Mum was the one who left) married a woman only 5 years older than me. I am an only child.
I never much liked his wife but we got on OK. When he died he left everything to her- house- the lot & I got his Timex watch!

I'm not grasping but I was getting divorced myself at this time with 2 children to support & a little cash would have made a huge difference.

I wonder what will happen if she goes before I do but I suspect that her God-children will get it all. My own sons & GC will not get a look in I suspect.
I know it is only money but it hurt me a lot at the time.

Cut her some slack & be a friend to her. I think it s hurtful that your parent thinks so little of you rather than money grabbing

The DIL is not being fair to her Mother, surely it is up to her to do what she see fit with the house now that the children are grown up.

Just dont take sides or get drawn into a huge family feud!

I don't really think this is about inheritance, much more about the pain even adult children go through when parents divorce. Your DIL is focussing on the house because it symbolises what she has lost. She expected her mother and father to stay together, but they didn't, she then saw her mother safely in the family home and expected her to stay there and to hand the property on your DIL and her brother. Her mum didn't she introduced a new stepfather and sold the property. She now sees her mum settling into a life of debt which she worries about.
She has focussed on the house because it is easier to talk about the financial losses than the emotional loss she has suffered and the worries she has about the future. Just listen and be there for her. She doesn't seem to have very much parental support.

If this lady has remarried and leaves no will, it is likely the second husband will get everything!!If someone wants to downsize and go on holiday with the profit that is their business.

When people comment they are 'given' a (whole) house as part of a divorce settlement that is not usually factually true as it was probably half theirs in the first place. If the other half is given as part of the settlement then the whole lot becomes theirs to do with as they please. Often a judge will deem to award more than half in the mother's favour if there are two children involved so that makes an even less share the dad could 'promise' to your DIL anyway.

She could look at it like this as it was only the father who made the promise-If your DIL is lucky enough to inherit any property from her mother, even with the downsizing, it is likely to be worth as much as her father's share of the original house.

I agree with Monica. It is wrong for parents to commit to something so significant and then backtrack. Second marriages that result in DCs missing out on their inheritance are often mentioned on Mumsnet. Surely ones own children should always come first?

Only you know your DiL well enough to know how this fits with her personality generally. Inheritance / money are often 'signifiers' for relationships and love.

So I think that if you normally get on well, and like her, then see this as a rant about 'betrayal' rather than greed. I can't see any point in her talking to her father, unless to clarify what he meant. He may feel betrayed as well, having meant the house to be an inheritance (in which case he should have tied it up legally). Or it may have been part of a perfectly just settlement.

I do think situations like this are somewhat different to those where one's own parents spend their own money as they wish. It would appear that this young woman was given to understand that half of the house would be her inheritance, even though no steps were taken to ensure it.

From these forums we learn a lot about the wisdom of being careful with inheritance, money etc as many of us have tales to tell of poor or absent legal advice and subsequent 'betrayal'.