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(28 Posts)
Carole28 Mon 26-Jun-17 11:50:39

I have recently lost my adult son suddenly. He was 32 and has two children aged 4 and 8. He died of natural causes and his death was totally unexpected as he has always seemed healthy. We have always been very close and life now seems very bleak - I sometimes have very dark thoughts and find it so hard to carry on. I know I have to survive this for my other son and my grandchildren but it's so hard and I know that there are going to be terrible times such as his birthday and Christmas. Although I wouldn't wish this on anyone I know other people have been in similar situations and may be able to give me some hope

Swanny Mon 26-Jun-17 12:03:05

Carole flowers No advice can make up for the dreadful experience of losing a child, of whatever age. Bereavement hits us all in different ways and many find it helpful to talk to others who have experienced similar events.

I can understand what you say about very dark thoughts and would encourage you to imagine being held in the arms of so many of us here on gransnet while you grieve. No demands, just love and comfort for you.

devongirl Mon 26-Jun-17 12:04:08

Carole28 I haven't been in this situation myself but wanted to express my heartfelt sympathy and best wishes to you in this terrible time flowers flowers

Jane10 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:09:36

Tears have sprung to my eyes just reading your post. How desperately sad for you.
However, your family needs you now more than ever. Try to be strong for them.
Time passes but your memories of him wont if you can pass on little stories about him to his children. Very best wishes. flowers

Tallulah57 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:12:41

Can only agree with Swanny my heart goes out to you flowers

franjess2000 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:21:13

Don't struggle on your own

Get some help from this support group

Coolgran65 Mon 26-Jun-17 12:28:37

Dear Dear Carole28 - this is so sad. Such a young man at 32. My heart is bleeding for you.

I haven't experienced this myself and can't give you benefit of any experience.
However, my brother lost his son suddenly at 13 years, in 1994. My brother and his wife coped in different ways. Dear sis in law was able to keep going and indeed hadn't much choice as my brother pretty much retreated into himself. There were two other children aged 15 and 11 to care for.

My brother was just about able to continue with his work and did all that was necessary within the home/family but just at a superficial level. It took him several years before he acknowledged events such as Christmas. My sis in law kept the family running as normally as possible for the other 2 children.

There is hope, I look at my brother now and the fine person he is. He changed his employment and works with vulnerable young adults. His wife's way of coping was to soldier on..... sometimes he needed some tough love which she gave him in spadefuls when needed.

There is no right or wrong way to cope. If you find your grief takes you to places that are too dark perhaps Cruise or similar could provide grief counselling.

Your other son will also be grieving. Don't be afraid to talk about it, hold each other. talk about your son with his children and the rest of the family.

Your dear son will always be a part of your family, in your memories, keep his memory alive as you include him in conversations. I do believe there will come a day when you will speak of him with joy and laughter. xx

Kupari45 Mon 26-Jun-17 13:21:57

Carole28, I do understand how you are feeling. My daughter aged 40 died last spring leaving three children.
These are dark days for you I know. Looking back I spent lots of time with the children and my s-i-l. We needed to comfort one another.
Try not to think too far ahead about christmas and birthdays etc. Just take one day at a time, and be kind to yourself.
I found some comfort and advice from an on-line forum called Compassionate Friends.
I am so sorry to hear your sad news. My heart goes out to you.

Nannarose Mon 26-Jun-17 14:08:05

Good advice above. I will add that you will find a way that will work for you. It is useful to learn how others have coped, some will work for you, some won't.
A very close friend found it most helpful to think of what her son would have wanted. She said that continuing to live the best and happiest life she could was her way of celebrating him and his life.

Look for good advice on dealing with the bereaved children, and get whatever support helps you.
Good luck.

Anya Mon 26-Jun-17 14:18:48

Carole I'm so, so saddened to read your post. I know what it's like to lose a loved one, gone before their time as I lost my grandson. And when it's sudden and they have been in perfect health, the shock is indescribable. Sending you (((hugs)) and Kupari too.

My heart truly goes out to you. No one can tell you how to grieve, but I hope you've got someone with whom you feel safe to cry. Days will be dark and nights darker. All I can tell you is what I did to try to bridge that abyss. I wrote to my GS every day, telling him how much I missed him, how unfair life was, how I didn't think I'd ever be happy again. I wrote every night for over three years.

I still miss him terribly. As you say occasions like birthdays, Christmas, the Anniversary of his death. I think about all the things he'll never know and experience. All this is natural.

And you'll find out who your real friends are too. Some surprises there.

You will survive this. You won't 'get over it' but you will find a special place in your heart and take him along with you there. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone.

Take comfort in his children. A part of him lives on in them and they, and the rest of the family, will need you.

TriciaF Mon 26-Jun-17 14:22:09

What an awful shock, a tragedy Carole28. No wonder you feel like that flowers
Good advice to try to join a support group. And if you can't sleep, go to your doctor. You need to sleep even now.

Luckygirl Mon 26-Jun-17 14:24:59

flowers How very sad for you. I think the advice and links above are spot on. And I do agree that one day at a time is the way to go. Trying to think too far ahead about the sadness that future landmark days might bring is too much just now. Live in the moment and enjoy your DGC. They will need you and they are carrying his love inside them for you to share.

Crafting Mon 26-Jun-17 14:58:13

So, so sorry Carole28 my heart goes out to you and all those who have suffered such loss. flowers

Nanabilly Mon 26-Jun-17 15:28:36

No parent should ever have to go through the pain of losing a child and I just don't know how any of them cope with it or get through it . I think the way I would do it is to keep their memory alive by talking about them every day , with everyone I cared to talk to,even the ones who noticeably struggled to be able to talk about them, have lots of photographs around , send balloons up into the air on special days .You will have really deeply sad days and then you will find some coping mechanism but never ever be afraid to talk about him or to cry for him.
If I could I would be giving you the biggest hug possible and probably shedding a few years with you too . 💕

ginny Mon 26-Jun-17 16:22:16

So sorry for your loss.

rosesarered Mon 26-Jun-17 16:25:48

Carole what a tragic loss for you and your family.Yes, there are GN members who have gone through this, so I hope they will see your post and respond.
You will be very important to your DGC and also DIL now.💐

downsized Mon 26-Jun-17 16:27:18

Heartfelt condolences from me too. flowers

callgirl1 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:15:40

So sorry Carole28, my heartfelt best wishes go to you.

GillT57 Mon 26-Jun-17 17:43:01

so, so sorry for your loss. This has made my petty irritations seem so irrelevant. Lots of kind advice and help on here and other places too. flowers

Lona Mon 26-Jun-17 22:19:13

Carole28 I am so very sorry for your loss, you must feel devastated flowers

phoenix Mon 26-Jun-17 22:41:37

Sorry for your loss, we are not conditioned to deal with burying our children in this debate and age, my son took his own life at 19.

Your grandchildren will need love and support, it can be very difficult to explain death to young ones, especially if it isn't the result of an accident or illness.

In your opening post, you didn't mention his wife/your dil/the children's mother?

suzied Tue 27-Jun-17 05:48:56

This is so hard for a family when a death is sudden and unexpected. My 16 year old healthy niece died of sudden cardiac arrest a few years ago and it turned our family upside down. You don't say exactly what your Son died of, but if it was an undiagnosed heart condition you might try the charity CRY ( Cardiac Risk in the Young) helpful. They can offer support to bereaved families, they also pioneer research and pay for heart screenings. There are 12 sudden deaths a week in the U.K. of people under 35 due to cardiac problems, so it isn't that uncommon. You have to be strong for the others in your family but it's one step at a time. There's lots of love and support for you on here💐

TwiceAsNice Tue 27-Jun-17 09:50:16

Cruse Bereavemenxt Care and the Compassionate Friends are good organisations who will give you some space and will listen to anything you want to say. The compassionate friends is run solely by parents who have lost children . There is also the Bereaved Parents Network as another support organisation to google. I have been in this situation many years ago but my son was a child when he died. There is no way to grieve especially when you lose a child, you have literally lost a piece of yourself, your life will never be the same again, you do not "get over it" but you find a way, in time, to manage and live some kind of different life. Be kind to yourself and do whatever helps you or feels right, do not try to do what others expect, they are not you. You will be a very important figure to your grandchildren who are grieving the loss of their father and they are very young. Cruse also does counselling for children and there is also a great organisation for bereaved children called Winstons Wish which you all may find helpful in the future . My heart goes out to you, it is a long road to travel but I send you my best wishes . Please private message me if I can help you further.

downtoearth Tue 27-Jun-17 11:07:29

carol I too have experienced this death of an infant daughter and death of a 23year old who took her own life leaving me with a GD to bring up age 4 18....If I can be of any help or comfort to you please PM doubt you are still in shock and numb...if you can talk it does help ....sorry for your loss and pain you are going throughflowers

AlieOxon Tue 27-Jun-17 11:27:57

There is also
For children of any age...

I have talked to them several times, I am two years on from losing my daughter at 45, she left a 6 month baby

flowers to everyone here who has lost a child