My Grans unannounced daily visits

Thistlerose your Gran sounds very like my mum in her need to be in control. All my life I have shied away from confrontation because of the inevitable tantrums, tears and vicious comments. She expects to know everything that everyone does, but if we do tell her, she immediately sucks the joy out of anything by coming out with a negative comment.

Anyway, bit by bit I have regained control. We will never be close, and I know she believes this to be my fault, but I can live with that. She's 88 now, and I know she will never change, but visits to her are a duty, not made out of love. If this makes me a terrible daughter, so be it, but that's how it is, and I feel so much stronger for standing up to her more, and for telling her things she might not want to hear.

Your situation will not change until you make inroads on regaining control. Small steps will lead to bigger ones, and you will grow a thicker skin millimeter by millimeter. No-one has the right to bully you. Start by asking her to phone you before she comes - it won't be easy - then you can tell her you're busy. When she turns up - as she will - you have the perfect right to say you told her you were busy and haven't got the time to see her. Close. The. Door. (with a smile)

I wish you all the best, but for your sanity's sake, you must beat this. Let us know how it goes!

Thistle rose, You are not ridiculously weak . It's very difficult to deal with family. You will sort this out I'm sure.

Suggestion from other half here was to sit around with nothing on . When she arrives just say sorry you are busy and she can't come in.

I just want to wish you all the best Thistlerose. My mother was like that but thankfully too far away to drop in, instead demanding I make the 70mile each way journey to her. Sometimes every other day.

I too knew that I should stand up to her but any time that I did there were tears and tantrums and long silences. That should have made me happy but instead make me feel undutiful and ungrateful. These things are driven into us as children and all my siblings suffered the same feelings of guilt. The grandchildren bar one, whose oriental wife insisted on duty visits and put up with her rudeness) would only visit if we issued a three line whip for a birthday party or whatever.

I hope you get the strength to deal with your Gran but a word of warning, I remember after my mother died a great sense of relief that during her last 20 years (she died at nearly 94) I had always done my best for her in spite of myself.

Thistlerose

As others have said, you need to take the b***h by the horns.

If she does not have dementia or other condition, eg mental health, causing this behaviour, then you need to stand up to her, and your grandfather for enabling her.

Your other children have learnt to avoid her. You son is very young, but when he starts learning to communicate, I am very worried she will try to turn him against you since they seem fixated on him.

Act now!

I would do the dying duck thing and droop all over the place and sit down and ask her to make you a cup of tea / wipe the floor / hang out the washing / weed the garden ........

I don't think it's fair to have to drag three kids out just so the opening posters Grandmother will leave her alone for a few days, your home should be your sanctuary and the Grandmother is making this poor girl's home life a nightmare! I'm not being funny but she sounds like the type to come back again later on anyway.

Does she turn up when you are trying to have your evening meal too? I think only a confrontation is going to solve this problem. I would write a letter if you don't feel you can talk to her and tell her that you love her but her daily visits are smothering you and you need some space. Ask if she can cut her visits to once a week or something and at a time of YOUR choosing.

I'm afraid you're going to have to bite the bullet and stop her from dominating your life. It's your home, so you decide what behaviour is acceptable there. Yes, she'll probably be upset, but the truth can be painful, and you'll certainly feel better at having cleared the air. If she wants to continue to visit, it must be on your terms. If she doesn't, so be it... Her choice and her baggage. Don't offer to carry it for her...

Thistlerose, maybe MN will be able to support you with all sorts of pregnancy advice too as they are still in the thick of all that stuff. This is a site for grans and we do like to help people but you seem very anti being helped.

I asked if gran brought you up because she was described as being rather like some mums, unable to see their child as a grown up and separate entity.

I am not angry at all, merely curious, you seen very defensive which makes me feel that, as someone lse observed, yu re not really here for a solution, just a vent. That is fine too but MN might be more 'up your street' as it were.

You seem quite feisty, I am sure you can keep the door closed if you want to.

Is she capable of looking after your son?. IDF so say you are in so much pain the doctor has prescribed painkillers that make you sleepy and disappear off to bed.That way she's happy and you don't have to put up with her

Icanhandthemback thank you.. That is a massive help, it's helpful to hear from someone that's had the same kind of background.. It's very scary lol, I'm not scared by anything else so I can see how ridiculously weak I sound.. I will speak to her next time she pops in and just lay it out.. Thank you

You sound like you are a product of your upbringing; she's impressed upon you that she is to be obeyed and any thing to the contrary will be met with bad behaviour and bullying. Do you really want to change things? If so, focus on the things you can do, stop telling yourself things won't work. Tell her outright that you need space, brook no arguments. All her reasons can be met with a firm, "I'm sorry but this is my decision and I am not going to change my mind." Take all threats with a pinch of salt saying, "that's your prerogative." Make sure you have in your mind what it is you do want and don't give an inch. The only way you'll do this is to stand firm. It comes easier with practice. I've learned to do this because I had the same sort of upbringing and I was terrified the sky would fall in if I tried to change things. It doesn't. You'll find there will be a period of emotional struggle and then things will settle down if you don't allow yourself to get involved in the argument.

Radicalnan you seem a little angry at me and I have no idea why? I'm not familiar with what MN is and when I googled this site came up.. I will leave this site as I didn't realise it was for Grans, I got the impression it was Grans giving advice and thought you guys could keep me right as my issue is my Gran, not my Mum like you suggest!! No my Gran didn't bring me up and not once have I said that she has read my mail or phone more than once!! I am not stupid, I obviously don't make these things available for her to get her hands on.. No she isn't on this site either.. Like I said if I lock the door she comes round to the back where my patio doors are in my livingroom, I am six months pregnant with a split pelvis so forgive me for not being able to high tail it out of here before I'm spotted.. you can feel as much as you like that there is more to the story but I wasn't willing to blurt out EVERYTHING as it wasn't really relevant but basically I'm scared to confront her because she isn't a normal person, I am controlled by her because I'm aware that I don't have anyone else but I don't want her everyday.. It was stupid to post as I see now that I know what I've to do but I just can't make myself do it.. I'm not like this with anyone else!! Thank you all for your time and advice.. I will start working myself up to getting control back Thank you

I have an aunt thats even worse than you describe about your gran. She was my mothers sister, but they were never in contact as my aunt was above everyone else. I had not seen her for 50 years when she turned up on my doorstep to tell me she was moving to be closer to me. She came at a time of her life when her husband had died and she was looking for someone to be her "carer". In the end I had to tell her in no uncertain terms that I would not take on the role of a "carer". With that she left the neighbourhood and went to live near my cousin at the other side of the country!! Haven't heard from her since.

You are pregnant and someone is stressing you out. If you can't put yourself first then, when can you.
You know that she won't take hints and you know that you can't carry on as things are and that she will take offence when you deal with it. I think that you just have to accept that that is going to happen and be tough. When she turns up don't open the door fully. Say 'I'm sorry, I'm too busy for visitors now, I'll let you know when we can see you'. Be polite, firm and repetitive but don't let it go too long before you close the door. Then be prepared for the fallout. If she turns up the next day, remind her that you said that you would let her know when you had time for a visit.
The most important thing is to be tough - and you may have to be that with your husband too. If necessary, remind him that he should be protecting you from stress, not just ignoring it and that you expect his support whatever her reaction. No one has the right to walk over you.
Good luck.

Why have you allowed it to get to this stage? I would have told her off the very first time I caught her checking my phone or reading my mail.........what has your thinking been? Are you on GN for advice? Seems odd that you are here and not MN. Sounds to me as if you are as much to 'blame' for want of a better word as she is, you are an adult, where are your boundaries?

Put your post away and keep your phone in your handbag, take some control over the way things are going. Surely you set boundaries with your children, set them with her.

If it really is as bad as you say, then lock the doors and let her stand outside until she gets the message. You DH seems able to take this in his stride and it is as much of an invasion of his privacy as it is of yours, he even thinks you may reproach yourself later of you are too harsh with her now.

Is she on GN? Is this a way flagging up your feelings to her by coming on here?

You have always had the means to prevent her reading your mail or looking at your phone, you have chosen not to take action, if it worried me that much I'd be putting them away. You can't say nothing and do nothing and still feel the injured party.

Mums when old, are often like this because they had control when their children were younger and never quite kick the habit, did your gran raise you ? However my advice would be the same then, put stuff out of harm's way and lock the doors until you want her to come in.

I feel as if there is more to this than you say and am bemused as to why you are on a page for grans

I'm sorry, but really there is only one answer to this and it's very simple, she is nothing but a bully and there is only one way to deal with a bully and that is to stand up to them. So just tell her to "F* off, and not darken your doorstep again till she is prepared to respect your boundaries."

You can put it as politely as you like, but make it absolutely clear to her that you have boundaries and she is not welcome, unless she is prepared to respect those boundaries, which include that you don't want to see her everyday and she must negotiate a visit with you before she turns up, because at the moment she has TOTAL control of your life and that simply isn't right.

It might be that you don't want to confront her directly, in which case send her a letter, and outline your feelings in that letter, then disappear somewhere with your children for a few days so she can't ambush you until you are ready to deal with her directly.

If and when she does then show up without negotiating a visit don't let her in, just lock the doors and ignore her completely.

Speak to her firmly saying she is only to come round when invited.
Repeat this firmly. It is very rude to harass someone like this and she should be made aware of this. Be polite but firm.
Stand your ground.
Explain that with an arranged visit you will be able to enjoy her company more.
If absolutely necessary threaten her with a restraining order.

I think I would try a letter too, plus curtains/blinds so she can't see in, and locked doors. With some people you have to really make the message strong and unbreachable before they 'get' it. Even then, she might not get it but she will be prevented from pushing her way, unwanted, into your private space. Good luck.

Hi, why don't you try writing everything down in an old fashioned letter to her? You can control everything this way. I wish you luck x

thistlerose1 Are you really looking for a solution or just an (understandable) opportunity to sound off about your grandmother? I ask this because OP's on this thread have offered every solution possible and your response is always to say that it cannot be implemented.

So sit down in a quiet place and ask yourself whether you are really looking for a solution.

If the answer is yes, then you have got to steel yourself and deal with it face-on. You say that your gran has had problems with other family members, so it is clear that they have dealt with it. Now it is your turn. Tell her that you will be happy to see her on specific days of the week between certain hours but cannot cope with her coming on other days. Make it clear that if she comes at any other time she will not be welcome and not allowed in.

If she comes at other times, and she will, meet her at the door and tell her firmly that the day and time are wrong and she cannot come in. If necessary keep all doors closed and locked and even with curtains drawn if she is too persistence.

It will be hard, wearing and,possibly embarrassing, but if you really want to solve the problem that is what you are going to have to do.

She is basically a bully. Ask yourself what's the worst case scenario and she never spoke you again, how would you feel ? I personally would have to tell her, in a letter if needs be, just how much she is distressing you. You have a right to feel happy and in control in your own home. If we don't deal with people like this, we are enabling them to continue to control us. Some people are so thick skinned they have no idea how much distress they cause. Good luck ..

She sounds ghastly and maybe a bit lonely. Probably due to her behaviour, I'm sure non family members are subjected to the same treatment. Just because she is old it doesn't give her carte blanche to behave this way. Your husband needs to man up too. Invite her over and you both tell her that there are some rules she going to have to go along with. You need to get angry with her too and chuck her out. What have you to lose.
Failing that , lock all the doors and put bars on your Windows or build a moat loaded with crocodiles.

Print out this post and leave it somewhere she can find it. Be ready for an explosion but it may solve your problem!!

I think what you really mean is that you love her but dislike her behaviour - a phrase to use when she gives you the opportunity to reply.

Try to think of positive things she has done so you can quote these - taking an interest in your son, etc.

Good luck.

I feel for you Thistlerose and I am sorry to say that I don't think this is going to get any better without at least some confrontation. If she doesn't take hints as in 'this is not a good time' you might jsut have to ask her to leave. Do you trust her with taking the little one out? If she insists that's why she is there then suggest she can take him to the playground or something but that 'right now i'd like to be alone and I can't just ignore the fact that you are in the house.' If you don't trust her with your son just say the same thing without first offering for her to take him out...