My Grans unannounced daily visits

Effectively she's controlling your life. I'd sit her down and tell her that while you appreciate her visits to your son, you are finding every day too much and that YOU will have to reduce her visits to once a week. Make sure you take control of the situation. Then go out or have visitors for the next few days so that she takes the hint. Have you got a parent that can back you up? Yes it's difficult but you don't need to cut her out completely. She might try hard to undermine your decision for a while but don't feel guilty - you aren't banning her from your home completely; you just want a life!! Best of luck.

" Sorry, Gran, can't stop I am going to the shops, to see a friend , to the doctor's , just dashing out…….." Lots of excuses . Anything. How difficult though .

Move house !

Take charge of the things you can take charge of - reading your mail and your phone is inexcusable. Keep your phone on you AND password protected and your mail shut away - if it arrives when she's there, take it away and say you'll open it later. Have an empty calendar on the wall and keep the one you write on in your bedroom.
Now would be a good time to tell her that when you have the baby, you'll need some peace and quiet so you'll let her know when you're up for visitors. Unfortunately, if your husband won't support you, then things are unlikely to improve.
Best wishes.

I can see how difficult it is for you. I can only offer my sympathy and best wishes. You have to do what is best for you and your family and if that means offending your gran so be it. If she has no-one else to pester she might come to realise that she has to modify her behaviour. We can only hope! don't feel guilty.

My Mum lives in a different city to us and isn't really in a position to get involved.. My Mum and I aren't very close so my Gran would take no notice of her if she tried to say anything.. X

In that case it's time to put up the barriers! Though I still think your Mum should get involved, wherever she lives.

Tidyskatemum she is 75.. I did think the same as you but other things wouldn't suggest any problem with her brain.. I've kept a look out and her senses are still there.. She doesn't forget anything and her mind is still rather devious.. I'm afraid there is no excuse except she's an awkward human x

How old is your Gran? Her complete disregard for normal social behaviour suggests she may be exhibiting early symptoms of dementia. It's easy to attribute annoying behaviour to being awkward in old age when it might actually be down to changes in the brain. It shouldn't be your responsibility to deal with it. Get your Mum involved - she should be concerned about both her mother's behaviour and its effect on you.

Cherry tree I tried the other day to tell them I hadn't seen a programme they were yapping about, I said 'oh I've not seen that but I don't get much time to watch tv' and they looked at my like I grew horns.. My house is spotless, my washing is always up to date and the kids are looked after but apparently I do nothing but rest.. She wouldn't take that seriously unless it was my argument against someone else imposing on me every day x

Judy park you are very correct! She does believe she is exactly the things you describe.. My husband will get two weeks paternity so he will be here to help me.. My My Gran won't care who entertains her as long as my son is there.. Her and my Grandad tell me openly that they are only visiting to see my son, apparently he lifts their depression.. Over the years my Gran and Grandad have been very good to me but as I've got older I've started to recognise that all the family trouble has began with my Gran and I've sort of held her accountable for her behaviour.. She is very fickle and believes that because she has favoured me that I should defend her and be loyal to her above all else but she does things that I just can't morally tolerate and this is why there is now a battle between us x

I understand how you feel as I was in a similar situation with my Father when my Mum passed away.
At the time I had two young children
You have my sympathy.

Its important to put your unborn child's welfare first.
Explai to your Dh that it is having an affect on you and so could be detrimental to your baby health
Eg raised blood pressure,stress etc.

Ask your DH to speak to your gran
He could say to your gran that he would like to take her into his confidence. (softening up ploy)
Explain that Doctor has advised that you need peace and rest till the baby is born and that mean limited visits.

Also tell her if the curtains are drawn then you are sleepng as is your toddler.

Older people sometimes listen and respect the word of a doctor and husband.

Why do you let her in, if she comes round the back make sure it's locked and if she can see you just wave her away or go upstairs. Take control.

I can understand that you don't wish to upset her, but she is upsetting you and causing your daughters to seek sanctuary in their bedrooms.
I assume that as she's your grandmother she is a good age, given that she has all her marbles, well enough to snoop, pry and invade your privacy there is no excuse for her actions.
She appears to have taken on the mantle of dominant matriarch, she who must be obeyed and kowtowed to.
Let's fast forward 3 months, you will have your new baby and be recovering from major surgery not to mention trying to establish a new routine and lack of sleep. Far better to tackle this now than later.
Is your husband taking paternity leave? If so I would take myself upstairs with the little one and leave him to be her entertainer for the visit. How does he feel about her reading your private correspondence?
Our grandchildren and children owe us nothing so please don't tolerate this woman's unreasonable behaviour to the detriment of you and your unborn childs wellbeing any longer.

I doubt your Gran will take the hint, irrespective of what you try to hint or say.

You say she checks your phone and reads your mail over your shoulder.

I assume you have a mobile phone: keep it in your pocket and don't let her get hold of it. As to mail, don't read it when she is there. Put letters away in a locked drawer - I had to when I found my parents snooping and log out of your e-mail when she turns up. You are fully justified in telling her that both your phone and your mail are private.

Apart from that, I found the "Sorry, love, I'm just leaving, must run" line worked best and don't be forced to tell her when you'll be back or fall for the "well, I'll just sit down for a wee while and wait for you" answer.

Follow the good advice about telling her when she will be welcome and come right out with the fact that you are too busy to have her visiting every day.

Your husband is doing what most husbands do in these situations, leaving it to you. I sometimes think that is the main reason men marry - to have someone to deal with the awkward things in life. You won't regret having been firm with her, when she is no longer with us, but you probably will regret all the irritation she is causing if you don't set some limits.

Could you put up a fence and gate so the back garden is cut off and she can't get round to the patio doors?

Me too, be specific and say 'we'd be pleased to see you on Monday to Wednesday (or whatever suits) but not on.. in future.' I know it will be difficult (tried and hated assertiveness myself!) but she sounds so thick-skinned this is the only way she will get the message. Good luck!

Blinds for the patio doors? Have a whole week when you're out at the times she is likely to visit?
I agree with the previous poster who said tell her a day and time when she can come.

Cornergran my husband thinks I should just bare it as he thinks I'll regret my feelings when it's too late.. He is very laid back and easy going.. We have patio doors at the back of our house so she can clearly see that we are in.. Yes she's always had favourites!! You're quite right, she will not understand why on earth I don't feel blessed to have her presence so often lol x

Phew. Don't envy you thistlerose and sadly I suspect there is no easy answer. It sounds as if your gran has always had favourites, you in the past and your son now. I had the same thought as maw. Is your Mum around to intervene or another of that in between generation? Those of us who don't arrive anywhere unannounced struggle to understand a very different approach. I imagine if challenged she would have no idea why her presence is inappropriate. I can only suggest as others have that you tell her firmly when she is welcome and make sure she can't access you at other times. You say she comes around the back. Is there a gate that could have a lock 'for security nan'. Yes, at 18 months anyone to play with is welcomed, this will likely change as your son matures. What does your husband make of it all? Can he intervene? After all he doesn't have your history, you never know she may listen to him. I do wish you luck, I hope there can be a solution for you all. Do let us know how it goes.

MawBroon my Mum lives in a different city and we aren't really close enough for her to help with this situation.. xx

Instead of saying Don't come, give her a specific day and time. Be out if she tries to say she is coming anyway. You may need CCTV of course! Is your Mum around/alive and could you enlist her help?
Difficult situation. It may involve a lot of trips out until she gets the message!

Yggdrasil he is only 18 months, he is happy to see them.. My daughters are 14 and 10 and they flock to their rooms to avoid her criticism x

Glammanana I think she is lonely but only due to the fact she has done some out of order things to other family members which has made them all create distance from her.. She can be rather vile at times for example she took my cousins daughter out of school and handed her over to her Dad for three nights without discussing it with her Mum.. My Gran is very self centred and has no idea that she isn't the be all and end all for everyone.. I'm due a big operation Sep/Oct with my forth baby and she is under the impression she should be able to accompany me instead of my husband because he was at our last birth!! She doesn't want to be there for support or anything to benefit me, she wants involved in the drama.. My Grandad had a small mole on his face that had cancerous cells but wasn't a risk to his health, she phoned round the family and told everyone he was 'riddled with cancer' She is obsessed with drama, she is obsessed with herself and she only smiles if she's been up to something.. Anyway I have loyalties to her because I've had it drummed into me that she brought me up! I think she did just usual granny duties but I was favoured over the rest, I wish I wasn't as I now get to pay for it.. Sorry to rant, it's a relief to get it off my chest x

How old is your son, and what does he think of these visits?

Oh Thistlerose what a nightmare but you need to speak to her about it before something is said which can't be taken back,can you say you are on your way out when she arrives unannounced one day and say really she should phone first as you will be taking little one out more during the day? even if you only drive to the local park hopefully she will get the message,do you have your mum close by who can speak to her about her visits,be gentle she may just be very lonely in her own home.