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Is this fair

(16 Posts)
Lizkat Mon 31-Jul-17 08:30:13

I have three adult children.My sister has always sent presents to the children of the eldest . Now my middle child has had a child. My sister has decided she will nor be sending presents to this child...her reason being that she hasnt had as much contact with this daughter. I am so hurt and angry at this as I have always treated both her children equally and cannot bear unfairness.Am I overreacting?

tanith Mon 31-Jul-17 08:33:07

You can be disappointed but why be angry you are both doing what is right for you.

notnecessarilywiser Mon 31-Jul-17 08:43:38

If the daughter in question has issues with this then it's up to her to take whatever action she sees necessary, not you. I think it's a little odd that your sister has announced her intentions to you, and that your reaction is so strong. As tanith says, disappointment would be a more fitting emotion.

MawBroon Mon 31-Jul-17 08:50:23

Surely this is her business?
Make your point by all means but it is between her and them.

Teetime Mon 31-Jul-17 08:53:37

This present giving thing in families is fraught with difficulty. There was a thread the other day about should one continue giving presents to older children/grandchildren. It seems to me money is often short and by and large most people have lots of stuff so if there are a few presents around that's a nice thing but I don't think we should expect it. I've bought lots of presents in my family that I didn't want to but and weren't particularly appreciated. Every year when we get to the C word it gets more and more difficult - perhaps we should all review our present giving policy.

merlotgran Mon 31-Jul-17 09:00:18

I agree that it doesn't seem very fair if you have treated her own children equally. I'd probably feel miffed as well but there's nothing you can do about it without making things worse.

Lizkat Mon 31-Jul-17 09:11:47

Tanith, I am angry because I am feeling Iike a tiger defending her young...all of them.This could make future gettogethers very difficult if the GC see one being left out.

Iam64 Mon 31-Jul-17 09:26:11

Maybe there are financial pressures to consider. A friend and her family agreed years ago that each put a nominal and agreed amount in the birthday gift pot. The recipient (or their parent, child etc) got to chose their Own gift. My suggestion we adopt this in our extended family went down like a lead balloon.

Maggiemaybe Mon 31-Jul-17 09:26:32

I'd feel just as you do, Lizkat. And of course it will cause problems amongst the cousins - favouritism does that. Yes, your sister can do what she wants, but by the same token, you have a right to your own feelings about how it will affect your family.

Devorgilla Mon 31-Jul-17 09:45:35

Two of my sisters and I have always given to the children of the other sisters but stopped when they were 18 apart from special occasions like weddings, 25th birthday etc. Everyone knows the system so no-one gets upset. One sister has never given except for weddings and such but there were extenuating circumstances there. The three of us who did give now give to the children's children, a nominal amount, but again stop at 18. Again, understood by all. Exceptions are made for the special occasions. It works for us.

hildajenniJ Mon 31-Jul-17 09:52:15

My sisters and I decided that when our children grew up and had their own families, that we wouldn't buy presents for their children. It's difficult enough to remember their birthdays, and send cards. I must admit that I'm terrible at remembering birthdays at the best of times.
I can see why you are upset and angry with your sister though. It is unfair. You need a good talk about buying presents for children of children. Perhaps you should stop.

Swanny Mon 31-Jul-17 10:01:12

My sister and I stopped giving to each others children at birthdays and Christmases when they left school. We no longer give to each other either, by mutual agreement. No less affection between any of us. Cards are always sent, and to all grandchildren as well. Everybody treated the same and no-one gets upset.

trisher Mon 31-Jul-17 10:27:32

Maybe she is feeling financial pressure and sees this as a point to draw a line, anticipating that there may be more children in the future. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to say" lets just draw the line and buy for each other." and never mind how many children there are.

geeljay Mon 31-Jul-17 13:45:31

My middle son offered the family a sensible compromise. Buy presents for children in under 16 years. After which age they are treated as adults. Not having a slushfund at my disposal. a suitable compromise for us.

suzied Mon 31-Jul-17 14:48:59

We have a big family so don't buy presents except the under 18s and our own children's birthdays. I don't buy my siblings any presents by mutual agreement, maybe a bottle of wine or a plant when we visit. Christmas is only presents for children and a secret Santa for the adults. Makes it so much easier.

Lizkat Mon 31-Jul-17 16:29:35

Thanks for answers. Many years ago we both decided to give to the children.Her GC are about15 years older than mine and just had their 18ths,Ive remembered them every year and also remembered her other son who has no kids on his birthday as I always felt it would be favouring one nephew over the other.
I think she actually resents the really good relationship that Ive always had with her kids.She is missing out on so much, as even her own kids find her difficult.