Friendships - how good are you?

Hopefull - my advice is to just be yourself. We are all unique.

I have three good friends to me and myself to them.
Friendship is sometimes very hard but can be worth it.
Maybe you are more the acquaintance style of friend.
You will not feel the pressure then of commitment but also will not be lonely.
There are 19 in the knitting group I go to and some choose to pal up outside the group and some dip in as an individual.

There is the WI. This is usually so full of women that you could talk to a different one every month.
There is still that group support and care but it is not full on.
Lots of activities and trips out too. If you can make a full garden in and egg cup you'll be a great success!! Be prepared to be challenged about the large size of your egg cup if you win the challenge. (was not me it happened to thank goodness)

As for my three friends.
None of them like each other to the point where one goes in the charity shop where another is manageress just to make comments , whereupon they start a "who has spent more time with and who Gayliamelon likes best competition. (very quietly as they're in the shop).

None of them actually knew each other before they all had me in common. All they do is show resentment that the other exists .

My precious wedding ring went missing within my home (I had to take it off due to illness) and they accused each other of stealing it. It was found a few weeks later in my home. However this did not stop them both accusing the other one of returning the ring secretly through guilt after stealing it.

One watches to see if the other has walked past to go to my house and turns up as well. So they sit there glowering at each other whilst fighting to reach the kettle first and show that they know where the latest biscuits or cake are and that they already know what is in the tin because they spend more time with me.

The third one arrives every morning to tell me about her husband who had an affair , had sex in their marital bed, and is still keen on the girl who is 39. If its not that its her grandchildren and her 5 children who have miffed her or her sister who has annoyed her. She never asks a thing about me and I understand she is very worried about it all. However her actions are one of a true friend and she is so thoughtful in her kindnesses.

Don't they all sound awful. However they are good to me even if not to each other . I cannot dictate how they treat one another. I will not have a bad word said to me about the others. None of them will read this because none of them will go anywhere near the internet, its the only thing they have in common.

They are all very good friends to me and the help and kindness that they show to me outweighs any of these things.
In their different ways they are so very precious to me.
I am a very calm person and let all this wash over me to look at the good in them.

They know I am a genuine friend to them.
I am there for all of them in a crisis and they individually there for me. This has been proven.
As the old saying goes , that is when you find out who your friends are.

I had a friend once, popped around on the news of the sudden death of her husband, made her tea and toast got more tissues for her and then I said can't stop to long Hubbie will be wondering were his tea is, now, I did not expect that response, I left . Friends EH!!, who needs 'em.

So on that occasion your friend probably felt that you didn't care enough to think about what was important to her before you spoke?

Human beings are fallible.

My friends have always been massively important to me as I grew up without any family. Almost all of my friendships have been long standing, 30, 40, 50 years. It took me a while to work out that if you want to have a friend you have to BE a friend. But I don't expect perfection.
If they are 90 percent o.k. then I overlook the other 10 percent as I'm not perfect either.
I love my friends.

Ex friend, I'm certainly not going to spend time with a loser like her, she's 69 now and, boy, as she let herself go, one of the first things she should do is learn how to speak to other people, some times I fell as though my good heart and good intentions are taken advantage of.

If I needed to spell correctly I wouldn't be on here, fell=feel

illtellhim I'm confused by your earlier post! Who said "can't stop to long Hubbie will be wondering were his tea is" - in the post you say I said...

If that's the case, why are you mad with her?!

I think it is Illtellhim who is confused! Her friend had lost her husband, ITH popped round, made friend tea/toast, said that about HER husband wondering where his tea was - (very sensitive and caring, I don't think) and now says her friend is a loser who didn't appreciate what she did for her!

I have two besties I've known both of them 30+ yrs one of them does the me me me speach for at least an hour on meeting before she thinks to ask about me and mine. A lot of the time she will forget something I told her at our last meeting, I've got used to it
She has a heart of gold.

Some people do have problems joining in and being friends and in saying the wrong thing.It may be annoying does not stop them from being a friend.Everybody does that at times.
I keep a birthday book, so that I can always send to friends for birthdays and anniversaries.
Send more short emails to friends instead of every six months sending long ones, nobody wants a blow by blow description of your life but like to stay in regular contact.
Suggest going to places with friends even if they are slow off the mark to do it themselves.Friendship, like marriage, does need to be worked at.

Please stop worrying about being human. We all are. I recognise you as being an introvert which is fine. You find your energy drained by people and are actually 'peopled' out at times. Extroverts are the opposite. Please look up introvert and for fun the Introvert page on Facebook is great. Also read the Penguin series Great Ideas on Friendship by Michel De Montaigne. You end with advice for others. Would you mind me offerng some to you? When you cancel arrangements and decline invitations please be awre this can possibly be hurtful. I know you do not intend that at all but perception is reality. Very best wishes.

I have memory problems and I can't seem to get things into my long term memory. I can remember whilst I'm having a conversation with friend A what friend B said/did to friend C but by the next day it has gone.

For important things I get my mobile phone to give me a reminder everyday. So when my dear friend had her hip done I set my mobile phone to ping everyday to remind me to ask how she was doing. It was difficult to visit her because I can't drive and she loves driving (so normally did all of it but of course she couldn't drive after her op). She lives quite far from me and no direct bus.

About 2 months later, when she was much better she actually bought me a gift to say thank you for caring, because I had constantly asked after her! I was too embarrassed to say it was the phone! But still it worked! I make sure my friends' birthdays are in my phone too and then it reminds me of them too.

I have recently told someone that I don't want to continue friendship, she was, I felt using me too much, she has rung 3 times, to try and chat but I just say I have to go and put the phone down. I grew tired on looking after her kids and cats and taking in her parcels and lending her money that was never seen again. In the end I wasn't sure that was a friendship in any real terms.

I love my friends but over a lifetime as few have started taking liberties and I have ended the friendship.

I find as I get older and friendships loom larger in what is available to me, I am more put upon, I live in a lovely area and the way that one friend of 30+ years kept using me as holiday accommodation got me down. She would book to come to me for the weekend then change her mind, then book the next weekend and bail again. In the end I just said don't come or ring me. She does ring and fB message me but is just as unreliable as ever, but at least I have learned not to keep making beds up and buying bacon.

I am also socially anxious or is it awkward? People seem to have a label for everything now. I go to things but don't make what I would call friends, I have had a life with wonderful friendships in, those people have died and are irreplacable, however I do make an effort and try to be light hearted and supportive of people.

You cannot however make a new old friend.

I have two friends. One I met when I was twelve, the other I've known about 25 years. I'm more than happy with these two women who mean the world to me. I'm shy and don't make friends easily. As to forgetting things. At the beginning of the year I get a new diary and write all the important birthdays, anniversarys etc., in it. It's a desk diary and stays open in sight at all times, so I don't forget to send a card. I am hopeless about phoning friends. It makes me nervous, but texting is a boon!

Good posts here. Activity group a good idea and takes the pressure off. Same with WI, just don't gobon a committee!!!

Spot on Baggs and Anya.

I identify with you heleneth. I have a hard core of very good friends going back nearly 70 years. I love and value them hugely. One of them once commented that I was loyal to my friends and they have been extremely loyal to me, seen me through some horrendous times.

However some friendships run a course, really fabulous at the time, and maybe around a particular activity or interest and then they fizzle out for whatever reason. Hold the happy memories and move on.

OH and I are always welcoming and hospitable, just once in a while we realise we are being used, so gently withdraw. Just a couple of times we have had to make our feelings felt and end the friendship. One woman berated OH in a restaurant in front of friends about some imagined slight. That was unsupportable. Just recently a friend of nearly 50 years came to stay as she has in the past. She was so appalling, shocked other friends and treated us like lackeys. She was assuming she would be coming again and even thinking of buying a holiday home nearby. Horrors. We decided we could not entertain either idea! As she is so self absorbed, self referential and self centered I wrote a long email spelling out our reasons, harsh but factual. She couldn't defend any of it, but sent an email back totally castigating O H, full of lies and then cowardly enough to block me on email! And my best friend!

We both feel better having shut those two doors. I have to say I think those two have problems but do you know I really don't feel like dealing with them, other friends are more important.

So, hopeful, after that rant/ramble, choose your social life, choose you friends, don't get close until you are really sure, and don't be used. Good luck, have confidence in yourself, I am sure you are a lovely person and people out there will value you friendship.

I have only a few really good long-term friends. We do not see each other very often due to family commitments or time/distance but we are in touch on facebook quite often and when we do meet up makes it much more interesting as we have lots and lots of things to chat about over a lunch then later on for tea and cake a really great afternoon of freindship which is about 50+ years. There is never any feelings of guilt through not keeping in touch just trying to remember a birthday is something I list on facebook as a reminder.

hopefull - I think the key lies in what you say is an anxiety problem, though I'm not sure if that relates to meeting people and social situations or more generally. Or it may be - as palliser65 has said - you are a natural introvert. Only you will know if any of these apply to you.

I am not sure why you regard an anxiety problem as "selfish" and I can assure you that being anxious is not at all unusual. Even the people who appear to be the most confident have anxiety problems from time to time.

I used to be very nervous in social situations because I had been brought up to believe that no-one would like me because there was something wrong with me. It took me a long time to work out that the criticism applied to the person who made it, not to me. But it put me off approaching people or making conversation for years.

I still have to fight this "conditioning" all the time and not let it take over. I usually do this by speaking to the people I don't know.

Please don't beat yourself up over not having as many friends as you would like. As you will have seen on Gransnet, many people have no or very few friends.

Above all, don't try to be someone you are not. Whilst many people prefer to talk to someone who is lively and confident, people should accept you for the way that you are. A true friend would, but they are hard to find.

I just accept my friends for who they are, I have some who I rarely see who have been there for me when I really needed them. I have helped friends out if I can when I can and also have friends who are miles away. I have a friend who is very unwell and I spend every day with as she lives near me. The only boundaries to me are those created by others

Friendships change over time. I have two friends from my very young childhood days (our mother's were friends) and we still are.. the bond is still strong between us even though we all live hundreds of miles from each other. All our childhood memories,school days, boyfriends, marriages and children have kept these friendships going because we want to. Other friends who I have made over the years come and go, some of these friendships were made with people I worked with and I am still in touch with but don"t see them so often now. I find the easiest way of remembering birthdays and other friend/family occasions is to buy a big calendar with enough writing space on it and to sit down in the first week of the new year and write everyone's b/day and special occasion on it. I keep it on the wall near my kitchen sink and cannot forget people by doing it this way. At the same time add or alter any addresses in a small notebook and you have got a reliable system ....it works for me. Unless you are a real extrovert type of person it's not easy to make friends and once you retire your social circle seems to shrink. If you have a little dog it's one of the nicest ways to chat to other people...most of them are friendly and you get to know them gradually and possibly be friends. Maybe as colleges restart in September you could consider joining an evening class ...languages are good fun as they are an ice breaker once you start speaking to each other in the language you are supposed to be learning. I am still trying to learn Dutch as a family tree shows my ancestors originate from there. I will probably never learn it well but have had many good laughs with the others in our Dutch conversations.

I think friendship is so valuable and precious, especially when it's lasted a long time. As for remembering birthdays and anniversaries - I write them in my diary. Maybe you could try focusing on the other person, Hopefull rather than feeling anxious about yourself. Think of social interactions as being more about listening than contributing - people like being listened to. Good luck.

I opt for a few close friends who love me warts and all. I have only let friends go when they are unreasonably draining me and I have explored every avenue to rectify things. Just laugh at each other's shortcomings, none of us are perfect, except me of course !!

like pensionpat I have a system. I carry a little address book in my hand bag and when I meet someone at the U3A or what ever and we say we will keep in touch I put name and telephone down. At home I add where I met them and the date. if we do keep in touch and do something I enter the in my electronic address book which is an Excell spread sheet which i can print out. then at Christmas I send cards etc with message. When I get back from a holiday I ring round to find out how they are etc. I have my diary to hand and try to arrange a meet up in the next 6 weeks etc.

I would be unable to rely on memory alone. I have been 48 hrs back from a 53 day trip round the world with my 16 year old grandchild and now have a diary full of social events with ones pending;for example when friend gets back from cruise which starts Tues to contact again for meet up.

I've got 3 what I call 'proper friends'. None of us are great at remembering birthdays or where the other one has been on holiday etc etc. I guess by proper friends I mean people who will be there in a blink of an eye if you need them .... As I would for them. Who you trust with your innermost thoughts.

I was with one yesterday who I hadn't seen for a couple of months .... But as ever we caught up and had a lot of fun. She's probably my favourite!

And then there are the 'meet for a coffee' friends. Lovely ladies but the friendship is entirely different, rather superficial I guess.

SueDonim - I'm with you on this one! The besties know everything!