An upset grandson

His concept of the length of time you will be away might be poor. To him it might seem an eternity.

Perhaps show him the exact number of days on a nice big calendar and mark the times when you will be skyping him.

I have to say, that if there is nothing seriously wrong at home for him, then it might have been a good idea to have reduced the amount of time he spent with you gradually so that when you did finally want a break without him he would have built up more of a feeling of belonging with his dad and wouldn't be left feeling quite so much as if his usual home was about to vanish for however long (did you even say how long was "extended"?) You have encouraged him to maintain an emotional dependency on you that might now be turning to bite everyone on the backside.

Danae, Go on your holiday, have a wonderful time and make arrangements to Skype your
Grandson.
You do so much for him and you are very kind and caring. I cannot believe the comments here suggesting you should not go.
You are a GrandMother not a parent, do everything you can do for the child to keep him happy and reassured, but make sure you enjoy yourself.
It's the parents that should be ashamed and feeling guilty, a child that age should not be feeling like this.

Its fine for children to cope with things they find upsetting. Its excellent grounding for when they're grown up.

I have no idea how you could do this to him - you're his parents in effect so why not take your extended holiday over the summer school holiday and take him with you - his behavioural changes are symptomatic of his feeling of being out of control and isolated - poor kid, everything around him seems to disintegrate - you are supposed to be his rock

As I have said before and will say again....if the people who are asking for advice could give more information in the first instance even if it makes their question quite long initially the replies given by others would be more to the point. We are not mind-readers and can only offer advice as we see it to the question posed. As for a child's perception of time....yes children can tell the time by this age....however if you if you are a child with anxiety issues as this little lad appears to have ...then no matter how good you are at telling the time .....it can seem like an eternity.

Forgot to say, do let us know how you all three get on

A child of nine ought to be able to cope with you being away for a month or so; so are you sure the bed-wetting is only caused by the thought of not being with you and his granddad?

I would have a word with his school teachers; explain about your journey and ask whether there is anything going on at school that could be upsetting him.

Unhappily, even the best teachers don't always know if there is bullying or unpleasant teasing going on, but by asking the question, you may be pointing them in the right direction, even if they answer your original query with a resounding no.

Next on my list would be whether your grandson has started drinking too many fluids just before bedtime? Or started sleeping more soundly, so he doesn't wake when his bladder says it needs relief? As a child I vividly remember dreaming I had woken and gone to the toilet only to wake up in a wet bed. Perhaps the same thing is happening to him?

If the answer to these three questions is no, then perhaps a word with your family doctor is indicated. Boys and men do get chills on their bladders or kidneys too, even if we do tend to regard it as a female complaint!

Is your GS peeing more during the day than before, or forgetting to go, so that the bed-wetting is part of a change in his habits?

I agree that bed-wetting does tend to be a sign of stress or worry, but there could be a physical reason.

Please try not to be too hurt by those who have jumped down your throat because you and your husband are going away, on what I am sure, is a well-deserved trip.

One final thought, make a calendar, either on paper or on the computer for your grand-son with the date you are coming home written in in LARGE LETTERS, so he can cross off all the days between when you leave and when you get back at bedtime every day.

Poor Danae, bet you wish you'd never posted on here!
Parenting (and grandparenting) is such a delicate balancing act.
Like most answers here, if its only for a few weeks you'll find a way to reassure him. Listen to your heart. You wont be having a great time away if you know he's incredibly upset now will you.
Good luck

Although there was no holiday or huge disruption involved my DGS at 9 exhibited similar behaviour, total meltdowns, being horrible to his wee sister, running away (not far he only hid round the corner of the street, not realising that his Dad could see him there from the back garden), also bed wetting but that seemed to be so that he could crawl into his Mum's bed for the rest of the night. He had been told that at 9 he was too old to be sharing his Mum's or Sister's bed. Oldest and tallest by a mile in his P5 class, school rules dictated that he must be collected from school, whereas he was considered old enough to take himself to and from the Cubs.

His DM and DF took him for long walks/talks and he eventually was able to articulate his problems. He said I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, OR WHERE I FIT IN.

Now at 10.5 he has 'found himself'. Has moved up from Cubs to Scouts, been promoted from the training orchestra to become the youngest player in the full Youth Orchestra - they needed him because he is the only Bassoonist - and ran a hilarious campaign for election (with his wee sister as his election agent) as the House Captain at school, was beaten by a P7 pupil but intends to have another go next year. His athleticism has always been a problem - I've never seen anyone put as much energy and effort into running without actually making any progress forwards - but he has now discovered that he has STAMINA and is really quite good at Cross Country.

Sorry this is so long, just wanted to illustrate that 9 can be a difficult age too - neither wee cuddly boy nor tweenager.

I agree. Just get on and go and enjoy yourselves. It isn't for that long, and the break will do you both good. Children are very resilient and I'm sure your grandson will be fine.

I feel it's his parents who should reassure him. With you assuring him you are coming back. His life is still going to be busy. Might be good to ask him what he is so worried about. It might be good not to be so reliant on you and more on himself. In a gentle way of course.

Danae - you have done so much for your young grandson and are a vital part of his life - he relies on you for support and stability. A month is a long time when you are 9 years old but I agree with your DH that you should go and visit elderly relations. Can you arrange play visits with his friends while you are away - and have strong words with his parents that they need to step up their parenting of him!! Keeping in touch with him is vital - give him your phone number and a calendar to mark off the days showing where you are. Arrange something special for him when you get back - give him something to look forward to.
Above all - enjoy your very well earned holiday.

Danae,
Go away to Australia with your husband and ENJOY your holiday. Please, do not feel guilty for leaving your grandson as you are doing nothing wrong.

I hope you have a wonderful time and wish you and your husband 'Bon Voyage' I look forward to reading what a lovely break away spending time alone with your husband and your Aussie family.
xx

Surely the OP would realise that his sort of query is bound to throw up some negative comments? There is some very good, useful and thoughtful advice as well as negativity, which I would have presumed she would have responded to if only to thank people for their time and trouble?!

I find it hard to receive so much criticism. We are going to Australia for just under a month. Our grandson spends his time between each parents houses, we collect him every day from school, do his homework, deal with things like dentists, doctors and barbers. Also his afterschool clubs. He returns to one of his parents to sleep unless he fancies a sleep over. Neither of his parents put him first, even my son. Believe me it's something i often talk to him about. We have arranged to skype him, we will also write him out an itinerary. He is an emotional child and needs support. We have always taken him on holiday with us. We will take him to Australia in July 2019. We have family in Australia who are quite elderly and my husband feels we must go.

my GD has been with us for around 7 years ,her Dad moved back with us when he and her mother split up.Its only half of every week but THIS is her home,When dad and his new partner decded to move in together early this year we decided between us to keep GD here with us until she decided she wanted to live with them.She's currently spending one or two nights at dads and is happy to do that but still wants to come HOME to us.If the OP has assumed responsibility for this boy then she must do her best to make sure he'll be safe and happy when she's not around.An extended break would be devastating for my GD who has two parents and an almost step parent who love her dearly ,but who sees her room here as her home.Its very difficult but the child should come first in this ,or the OP would be a s bad as the parents who appear to have abdicated and dont count him as their own family.I cant stand this attitude where parents split and move on with others and think the child they have together is an inconvenience..what a horrible situation for any child

Nigglynellie, maybe the OP is feeling too upset to come back and comment on some of the posts. I can't say I blame her after all the negativity and criticism thrown around by people who are not fully aware of all the facts.

Well said Alidoll...if the child isn't at risk from his parents (and if he is then social services should be involved) then the GRANDparents have every right to go on holiday and leave the parenting to the PARENTS!

Surly the OP knows her grandson's situation and would not contemplate leaving him even for a week if there was any real danger to the child that she so obviously loves.

A couple of years ago I was asked to go to work in Australia for 6 months, and initially I thought it was a wonderful opportunity and was so excited. Then I thought of the actual practicalities of saying that farewell to my 5 grandchildren and I knew instantly that I just could not do it. So I missed out on that opportunity but I knew I it would have been torture for me being away from them. There is no easy solution here, but if your holiday is already booked etc daily emails and photos I found helped a lot when I went to the USA for 3 weeks recently. Then of course your Skype calls as often as poss to ease his distress.

Alidol your point about him being 9 not 4 is really the reason I am worried. Yes he can understand the concept of time, and if he thinks the 4 weeks, 6 weeks or 3 months his grandmother is going away is long enough for horrible things to happen in his life without his grandparents there to keep an eye on him, that could explain his frantic attempts to convey how worried he is. Personally I wouldn't want to go until I have had a real good look at what his problem exactly is - talking to him privately if need be. It could be he's just a spoilt brat, but I'd want to rule out serious problems first.

I wonder why danae isn't responding to all these posts?!

danae - you have your own lives to lead and surely the parents of this boy should be dealing with this ? You absolutely must go on holiday, I would have thought for your own sanity.

You could always communicate with him whilst away if you want to.

Ahh, this mobile at times!

How dare the OP want to have a life!!

Seriously!? The OP is feeling bad enough as it is without you lot piling on the guilt even more. Where's the parents - it's THEIR kid so THEY should be looking after him. Unless they would place the boy at risk then they should sort it out between them and look after him.

He's 9 not 4 so perfectly capable of understanding the concept of time (unless he has a learning difficulty) so will understand that the OP will be coming back.

OP - go and enjoy your trip and don't let ANYONE on here make you feel bad for wanting to spend time away - you raised your child(ten), not it's their turn to raise THEIRS!

Maybe the OP is already on the plane

#scarpered