Difficult daughter

My eldest page his ex £200 per week for one child. He also takes him for haircuts , buys new shoes and trainers and clothes. His ex earns more than he does but he does it because he wants to and because he can. He's a great dad.

If your DD ex has a new job then maybe a further discussion with CSA is on the cards.
Non -payments by ex partner should be reported.

eazybee totally agree £50 is insulting
it works out at just over £16 per child!

That's my worry peaches50 My mind is set. The heated discussions are between my hubby and I. He's been far too soft

anger, respond, thank.. oh dear didnt check

nager breeds anger. Try and breathe deeply and not rsopond to her tantrums. she needs help with a debt advisor, I'd compose a list of all agencies who could help, contact details and gently, lovingly but firm and quietly say she must start taking control - what happens when you and her father die? Who will look after the bills then? She may not thanks you now but time heals. If you are worried about the children send a weekly bag of staple groceries if she will accept them but NO money.

AmMazThe power she has is the grandkids. And the fact that my husband won't allow any chance she gets blacklisted or evicted. We've had many a heated discussion about how much he has helped her with little gratitude. We don't want to be in her company and that's so sad.. she takes and takes. We love her because we are her parents but do we like her? Probably not

VIOLETTE I'M so sorry you have been through this horrendous situation. It's so difficult

Starlady her husband was difficult too at the end of their relationship but he had a 2 years of her going out and drinking with her mates and rolling in at all hours especially if they'd had words. I don't blame him. Yes he could be thoughtless but he was a good man and father.. still is a good father.
CSA have said he only needs to pay £55. He's not even doing that!
Bluegal you know how hard it is and we do need to sort this now.

Thank you all so much for your valuable much needed support. I can't tell friends or family how I feel... they would be horrified at what we out up with

I am very very grateful to you all And will take this advice

Since we had a conversation yesterday about yet another parking fine that she hasn't paid, she's blocked us completely! She'll be here tomorrow as her hubby can't have the kids as he's changed his job!
Should be a stressful conversation cos I'm not being ignored then dumped on. Thanks again

goodgran your daughter clearly has power over you - why are you granting it?

GoodGran you're a hero in my book. Some good advice here so I wish you all the luck with this difficult problem.

Enabling financial dependency from an able bodied adult child, is a great disservice to her! Your daughter seems to have gone from being taken care of by mummy and daddy to being taken care of by dear hubby.

Her bratty behavior is actually anger/insecurity and may be a cry for help. She doesn't seem to have mature adult skills/ behaviors necessary to survive in the real world and she never will, if you keep paying her bills for her.

Help her by giving her the tools she needs to stand on her own two feet. She may need skills like how to balance a budget and a checkbook, how to use the internet to pay bills on line, save money, reduce debt, boost her career and learn how to be independent.

By having to manage her own life she will also have to weigh the true measure of her paycheck hence prioritize her expenses.

You can still support her by offering child care and possibly even a place to stay, but only until she gets her finances sorted out without your subsidies (no more than three months). A qualified social worker who specializes in life skills and debt counseling can help you all get started.

Whatever you do, stick to realistic deadlines. The sooner she gains her independence, the better for all involved.

since our children were teenagers we always had the same rule,pay all your bills first if you're short or you want cash for a night out or special occassion ask and we'll be happy to help.It has always worked well ,of course there are times when they need a helping hand FOR the bills too ,as in now when my son has changed job and it will be 5 weeks until his next wage so we're paying his rent and helping with other things .Its only once in a blue moon it happens though .Maybe try that rule with your daughter and see how she takes it

All the time you keep giving, you are enabling her to continue to live this way, it’s so not fair to you.Eazybee’s advice is spot on. Look after your health and make your daughter and her ex face up to their own responsiblilites.

Apologies for hi-jacking this thread but to VIOLETTE. Your story is horrendous, absolutely heartbreaking..... Have you posted it anywhere for proper responses? - sorry back to Goodgran.............

Many years ago I got divorced with 5 children between 4 and 14 years. The Court awarded me £1 a week for each child and 1 shilling a year for me. Even then I had difficulty getting him to pay up. Obviously £5 then was worth more then it would be now but even then it was peanuts.)

You have to change to meet conditions. This is financial abuse. Cancel the payments you make, tell her to go and get help with her debts (CAP = Christians Against Poverty) are very good. It's for anyone Christian, secular or a n other) Time she took responsibility. Your enabling her to stay dependant on you and that's your part. She will say she never wants to see you again until she needs baby sitting help. Take the power back and tell her where to get help

Goodgran, I feel for you. I totally understand why you've done so much for dd - and why you want to pull back now. I'm glad you're giving her 3 months notice. Even so, I hope you do this gradually - let her know you'll be cutting back every 3 months or 6 months or something, rather than pulling the rug out from under her all at once.

I also think you're too enmeshed financially. If she can pay the rent herself, then she should do it directly, imo. She would probably be more responsible about it if she did that. The reason she isn't is because she knows mum and dad can't "evict" her if she lets it go. Dh needs to cut those apron strings.

It sounds as if there was more going on in her marriage than just financial issues if she changed all of a sudden. You really can't know, so please don't judge.

The kids shouldn't suffer for it though. Dd really needs to go after their dad for proper maintenance. The kids deserve to lead as good a life as possible even though the parents aren't together.

I am one of the ones who HAS experienced a DD being left with three children and unable to cope (reason I found GN in first place) and yes I am going to be critical of this situation also.

Goodgran, I think you need to assert yourself a lot more. She is taking the proverbial P - to put it bluntly. You can only hold her hand so much but she has to 'fix' things herself.

I know its hard when you love your children but for your own sanity you need to set boundaries and let her know you will always help where you can but there are limits. 9 months paying her way is far too long!

My DD couldn't even get CSA to make her ex pay any maintenance (its still ongoing) so she applied for help.

I pointed her in the right direction (as she was so upset she was barely functioning at the time) I did all I could help practically but I knew I could not carry on co-parenting her children and once she had sorted herself out with rented accommodation, housing benefit etc we had discussions about childcare. I readily admitted I really couldn't cope with looking after her children while she went to work, so she has to pay but she gets some help with childcare.

Single parents should receive enough either in tax credits or other benefits to feed their children and keep a roof over their heads. It doesn't automatically mean they can have the best of holidays/cars/clothes but they should get enough for the basics.

If you DD cuts you out because you don't do exactly as she asks then leave it, give her some cooling time. Don't be blackmailed.

Like you I felt torn between wanting some peace and quiet in old age and wanting to help my lovely family. I feel I am getting there (although still have lots of kids a lot of the time, but it is when I choose to which makes all the difference) I still can't please myself entirely (like take off on holiday at short notice) but I don't feel so drained and I take time out for myself without feeling guilty.

You will get there, am sure but be assertive and positive.

PS Hope this is making sense - have got a cat trying to type at same time!!!

It is hard but you are doing her no favours, she has to learn to stand up for herself. You brought her up and now is your time to enjoy retirement. Don't let her bully you, if you look after the children more and your husband keeps working you will be too exhausted to enjoy your time. Give her some support of course but tell her you are not fit enough to keep it up for ever, that your husband needs to retire, you love her and the children but can't be mother to them and her. She needs to sort out child care with her ex, he needs to arrange some of it if he can't do it himself.

It sounds to me that she has no respect for herself, therefore she will have none for anyone else or you.

I remember when my first husband walked out on me (an affair). I was paid NOTHING for our two children and I had to pay for everything, including the debt he allowed to accumulate on our mortgage and utility bills (unbeknown to me).

I almost lost the house, but I was in full time work and have always worked, even during weekends and school holidays so the work ethic was strong in me.

It's difficult for her to adjust to this new way of living, but adjust she must. Perhaps socialising and going out is her way of escaping the reality, because the reality is scary. She is not ready to accept her life as it is now.

Whatever the reasons for the end of her marriage, there are two sides to every story and the only people who know the truth are the people involved.

I wonder if it's possible to have a calm conversation with your daughter about how things really are for her. It may be her disrespect towards you is a form of control in her life - the only thing she can control at the moment. If not, counselling might help you and your DH, if only to offload and begin to see a different way forward.

I really hope this situation will become less stressful for you.

Yes she needs proper maintenance from her ex husband. I’m not sure if the CSA still exists but there must be some agency that can work out how much he should pay.

Is family counselling still available because there is a lack of respect on her side. If so it would be good to meet with a counsellor to resolve your differences.

You have acted to support your daughter through love but she has taken advantage of you and now needs some ‘tough love’. Despite all the education and opportunities available to young people many of them have no concept of a budget and how to work within it, it is too easy to get credit to get the things they want rather than need. Perhaps a simple list of income and expenditure for your daughter would help her see what her priorities should be and perhaps you should show her your income and expenditure and how much is going on her rather than your well deserved retirement fund.

Carolebarrel we have alot of thinking to do.
DS64till yes I'm with you here. Doing too much is as damaging as not enough.
Easybee thank you!

Dana6789 they're 10, 5 and nearly 4
She is slightly better off working and when the youngest is 5 she would have to find a job anyway.
Time to enforce growing up!

Similar situation with my son. Have chronic illness myself and having to help my son out with bits as he has terrible depression and anxiety. He says he can’t ‘Adult ‘ as he puts it. I have had to step back as I can’t afford to do it anymore. I have told him he will he have to learn how to ‘ Adult ‘ as I won’t always be around. If we keep helping our kids out how will they learn how to cope and deal with life. It’s difficult because I will always want to help but the kindest thing we can do is not.

Thank you all so very much!! I am overwhelmed by your support in this and you have given me the strength and determination I need to
a) convince my hubby that it's ok to not do so much
And b) reduce this terible guilt I have felt that we can't leave her and the kids in a mess
I see only too clearly that its time to make drastic changes because she's got to take responsibility for her life now. She's not grateful or pleasant whether we do these things or not.
Thank you all so much. I'm so pleased I joined this site

I can identify with some of this, but my family member was very grateful so we didn’t feel used. Decide firmly what u can cope with, u are no use to anyone if u make urself ill. Discuss with ur husband what u will provide as far as bills and childcare, put it in writing, give her it and tell her when it will start. Go with her to Citizen’s advice to discuss exactly what her husband has to provide, and what allowances she can get. Eazybee talks a lot of sense. Tough love.