How would you get past this...?

Been there, done that, got all of the tee Shirts! l admit that my relatives did have a legitimate grievance against my husband but it was something that had nothing to do with me and I stuck up for them and defended them against my husband. Unfortunately it meant a complete blackout and I had no contact for years with them or their children. It took the death of my husband and the intervention of another family member before bridges were built and they have since relaxed their attitude to me and indeed I am first on their list when they need something but I’m afraid things will never be the same between us until I get an apology for the vile rants they made against me. Until then, I am civil and accommodating but still very hurt by their actions to me in the past

How awful for you. Lots of thoughts in other replies, hope that they help.

Not quite similar, but a year or so ago, a work acquaintance was very upset when SHE wrote to and about her much loved daughter on Facebook, without privacy controls set up, about their silly quarrel and was astounded when her daughter was upset about the post. My acquaintance didn’t seem to think through her written complaints to and about her daughter (who she adores) and couldn’t understand why her daughter and others were upset. Whereas I could see EXACTLY why everyone was upset by what she had posted!

Hope it is all resolved, but whatever happens, please don’t let your feelings be hurt by someone who may be thoughtless, careless or possibly slightly unbalanced. ?

This is their olive branch to you- probably as close to an apology as you will ever get- please accept it and act as normally as you can with them. Don't bring up or discuss their odd behaviour, just go and enjoy yourselves. Good luck

Think of the young person you all have an interest in

Fairydoll2030
Nearly two years have lapsed since you were served with what appears to be unsubstantiated allegations. Then out of the blue you get party invitations from your accusers ?Is there a relative you can trust, who knows your accusers and can assist you in what they think you should do.
To be in the company of those who have upset you is something I could not contemplate doing.The atmosphere I would imagine could be cut with a knife.

No I wouldn't do anything just ignore it, unless of course you get an apology from them and if you still want to see them.
Disgraceful behaviour.

I wonder if you still have their letter and if so could you photo copy it and return it with a letter of your own saying how hurt you had been and ask why had they made these awful accusations.
You didn't react or respond at the time which is commendable. What could be the reason for this change of heart. What is now "in it for them" to get back together with you - must admit I am suspicious.
As others have said though, maybe the original letter came from one person only and others were unaware of it being sent. But I have to say, I still wouldn't go near them.

Is there no one in the family you could ask for an opinion? Who else will be at the birthday meal that you are on good terms with?
Maybe they have discovered they were wrong, misinformed, two years ago. It all sounds very odd.

I'm in a similar position. A friend of 30 years standing accused me of cancelling an order they made for a chair so we no longer speak. His logic was that he didn't make the call so I must have done because I was the only other person who knew!

I didn't give a monkey's about his chair and he only found out that it had been cancelled when he phoned up to cancel it! In his 80's, he probably cancelled it himself and forgot! Either way, we've gone our separate ways and I'm quite happy about it!

Dear Fairydoll
I would like to send you a PM rather than post on a public forum -please would you accept PMs?

Many years ago I had a similar event and I have no contact with that person. I wish I had kept the letter that was sent and caused so much upset.

I can imagine how you feel, and I feel for you. Personally I would contact them or go to dinner, possibly somewhere on neutral ground. Just to find out what is going on! they may have been given wrong information and want to apologise? But I wouldn't want anything to do with them other than that.

This sort of behaviour is reminiscent of Borderline Personality Disorder: blow hot/blow cold, you will always be walking on eggshells and the person will never take responsibility for their behaviour. As you have a small child in common, you may not want to cut off completely because there might be reverberations, but limit your contact to a minimum.

I think Luckygirl's suggested response is right. If it works. Keep the letter you receive in reply.

Personally, if a family member had written me a letter like that you describe. I would not want to be in their company again unless they explained and apologised, in writing, for what they had said. You do not know to who else they may have made these accusations about you.

For the time being I would find a reason to refuse invitations coming directly from them, but attend other family events even if they are present. It may be that they were hoping the letter would make you decide to avoid all family events where they were present so that you could be seen as having cut yourself off from the rest of the family. By declining all the culprits invites but accepting all others you remain part of the wider family while limiting your contact with the perpetrator.

I would do what nanabilly suggested face it head on,as you said you did not do what you were accused of, so just because time has passed hold your head up and request an explanation if you don’t what’s to stop them behaving like that towards you again.

just popped in to say overwhelmed by all the response. Have been rushing about all day and have to go out again. Will check back later and read them all thoroughly.

Thank God for Gransnetters!

If it were me I would want the air to be cleared before I went - either by a phone call or by a letter such as Luckygirl's. I wouldn't want to go to a birthday celebration not knowing what the atmosphere would be like - I wouldn't want to encounter an elephant in the room.
Life is too short for grudges but it's also too short for enduring uncomfortable situations unless you have to.
Good luck.

Personally, I would politely decline invitations from these people and move on without them. Life's too short for this kind of stress. I had a similar problem with cousins and put a stop to any potential argy bargy by just not contacting them.

So weird isn’t it that some people’s mentality is that they be unkind and accuse you of things, instead of having the common sense to just talk to you calmly in the 1st place, if they feel that you have upset them. Always 2 sides to every story and not everyone is capable of empathy. So now they expect you to just respond to an invite and attend and pretend that all is well ? Well done to you if you are capable of doing that, but is there going to be an elephant in the room ? I personally would have to write a short note, thank them for the invite and say you would like to draw a line in the sand etc however I would have to say just how confused you had been about the allegations in the 1st place. Good luck with this......

Have made 3 attempts to post but Internet dropping out and post disappears. Will be back later. Thanks so much for all your helpful and insightful replies.

Firstly, I have to say what a terrible thing to happen, and well done on being the bigger person by not responding. BUT, I could not let this just pass, you don't know who else they have told about these imaginery dreadful things you were wrongly accused of, others could be thinking you are guilty as charged. I think the straight to the point letters which some GN members have suggested are the way forward, can you imagine just how awful the atmosphere will be at this dinner? I had a similar situation, with the Mother of DD's best friend, she made terrible, vile, untrue allegations about my DH. I am afraid that I did tackle her at the time, and terrible things were said which I won't go into here. Some years later I heard through her DD that she wanted to be friends again and 'put all the unpleasantness behind us', I am unable to do so without an apology for the potential destruction of DH good name and the sobbing of my DD and hers as she ranted on. The fact that she has since had d diagnosis of MH issues does not I am afraid, help for me. People need to learn the effect of what they write, say or do, it is not ok to just let it lie for a couple of years, as your relatives have, and assume it is forgotten. If it was cruel then, it is still cruel now.

Agree with others in that maybe they have recently discovered you were innocent of all their charges. Still would not want anything to do with them as they haven't had the good grace or manners to apologise. I would write them a shortish note sticking to the facts (not feelings) and say you no longer think it appropriate to accept any invitations from them. They may still think you did whatever it was but have just got over their anger so you do need to state your side of the whole sorry affair.

Agree with others in that maybe they have recently discovered you were innocent of all their charges. Still would not want anything to do with them as they haven't had the good grace or manners to apologise. I would write them a shortish note sticking to the facts (not feelings) and say you no longer think it appropriate to accept any invitations from them. They may still think you did whatever it was but have just got over their anger so you do need to state your side of the whole sorry affair.

Have you asked your involved relative, the child's parent - your son/daughter/niece/nephew? Can they throw light on the olive branch and apparent reconciation?

Thank you to everyone for your replies. A lot of food for thought and I will consider the options over the coming days.

It is good to have unbiased opinions. Your posts have reassured us that the behaviour exhibited by this 'inlaw' is unacceptable - we knew this of course, but reading all your advice has helped enormously.

The child involved is a DGC and we have done our best to give their welfare our priority, hence not having a knee-jerk reaction to the insults. We have a vested interest in keeping the situation as neutral as possible.

At the moment I think a brief email/letter starting with the 'line in the sand' (as advised further down the thread - thanks) is a distinct possibility but I will re-read everyones post again before I commit to anything.

Interesting isn't it that people with low self esteem can exhibit bullying behaviour towards those who appear 'vulnerable' but when their bullying tactics don't work, they become the 'victim.'

Apologies for remaining cryptic and not answering a couple of questions I've been asked on this thread, but need to remain as anonymous as possible.

Thanks again everyone.

Good luck.