Sister's exclusion of me

Thank you TireOldWoman and Letitia XX I wrote the poem at a time when I was feeling especially low regarding them. I hope it helps JennyMolly to know she is not alone in this XX I only wish I could cut my siblings out of my life completely but I can't. The sister who causes me the most pain also inserts herself into my son and DIL's life and is constantly purchasing gifts for them and my DGC My son knew what this particular sister was like when he was young but since leaving home, getting married and becoming a father etc he seems to have forgotten everything she put me through. Not content with damaging any relationship I might have shared with my other sister I fear she is trying to steal the affections of my GC, DIL and son by 'buying' them. The only way I feel I have any kind of control over the whole thing is by keeping in touch with her albeit infrequently.

How lucky am I? I have two older brothers. We live in different places and have different lives but are very close emotionally. We had wonderful parents. We were all packed off to boarding school with my elder brother leaving school as I was sent off (so my parents always had at least one of us at home). We had normal childhood disagreements but we are always there for each other. We all have children and grandchildren and family means the world to all of us. Family gatherings are wonderful occasions.

I have twins ,a son and daughter and an older son 4 years older.None of my children are close to each other as in distance or keeping in contact.Even in childhood they hardly ever played with each other.As far as I'm concerned they are just three individuals who do their own thing.

JENNY MOLLY. ....Just accept what happened and let it go through the window. Life is TOO short to bother about negative spirits. Treat yourself to something nice as a reminder not to let negative spirits into your life.
Good Luck.

Love the poem kooklafan.

Kerenhappuch what you said reminded me how Malachy McCourt disagreed with brother Frank's account of growing up in Angela's Ashes. I think things can just seem completely different from a sibling's point of view. I do agree with the suggestion by GoldenAge that you could make a round-trip in a day to your sister, and, as she says, if that makes no difference, you'll just have to accept things are not as you would wish and are just not going to be.

I’ve had a similar problem since our parents died. One of my older brothers and my younger sister arrange meet ups with the other brother, at times and places I can’t manage, then express their sadness that I haven’t joined them. I have chronic fatigue, so any day out takes a lot of planning for me, I can't just jump into the car on the spur of the moment and drive for hours any more.

I came to the conclusion there was a family dynamic I’d completely missed out on, where I was somehow regarded as an outsider. One time when both my brother and sister posted pics of a meetup on FaceBook (which I knew nothing about) saying what a shame it was I hadn’t made it, I just snapped and replied ‘Being told about it before it happens helps me to get there!’

Families are very odd!

Dear Jennymolly, you write "I was more placid and was made to give into my sister by my mother for an easy life. "

My grandmother did the same with my mother and aunt, with the result, that I am very sure neither she nor your mother wanted that my aunt was so used to this treatment by the time she was grown up that she went into huffs when she couldn't get her own way in the family or even worse a fit of the hysterics. My mother especially found it very difficult to cope with.

I'm afraid it is too late now to alter your sister, so I am afraid you will just have to try and accept that unreasonable as it is, this is the way it is.

Don't try discussing it with your brother, but perhaps in the spring you can ask whether he is planning on coming to the UK any time soon? Tell him how much you would enjoy seeing him, but that with your and your husband's state of health, travelling to Canada is out of the question.
Or is it? Hope you and your DH are still fit and well, and that check ups are showing you do not need to worry about cancer.

Loved the poem Kookla .
I've learned to let it go and walk my own walk . I just smile when they phone me to complain about the other !

Seems cruel for the twins so be so insular and exclusive, and given that they are separated and living on different continents it also seems ridiculous that your sister doesn't appreciate that as you both get older if may be you and her who need each other's help. I know what it's like to have to get 'babysitting' for animals and older relatives when you are asked to make a long trip - and clearly the party would have meant an overnight stay presuming it was in the evening. However, I think just for the future you might contemplate doing the trip to see your sister in a day, leaving early in the morning, having lunch and early afternoon with her, and then returning home. That would show her that you have really put yourself out for her and if she doesn't respond to that then I'm afraid you will have to accept that she has no genuine special relationship with you, and just continue with the token contact you have now. Sorry for your situation.

Wow - that is really mean. I do not blame you for being annoyed. But I do not think you can actually do anything about it I am afraid. You have my sympathies.

kooklafan, how true. Thanks for that poem.
As for sisters, I have realised that I have been out in the cold for YEARS. One older, who resented the air I breathe from birth, younger sister who is madly jealous of anything I have/do, regardless that she was patently DPs favourite, etc. Haven't spoken to either for years and years, and quite frankly, my life is happier without them. They both spend their life being deeply unkind to me, being angry with me, making my life and that of my wonderful [and much happier] children and DH a misery, by being so unkind.
Bite the bullet, stay in touch, but do not expect to be included. So be it!

Oh that would ve hurt me too. My bro has come from Canada for a short break and not visited cos he wanted to do London, and I’m in Scotland . I let it go, cos I don’t see him often enough to make much difference in my life. My sister feels the same re him. Perhaps they waited till he came over to arrange the party, and two weeks isn’t unreasonable notice. I’d let it go and concentrate on yourself and husband. Life s too short. But it would hurt me too.

Wise words well worth remembering Rosina and grannimimi. Thank you both and hugs to jennymolly.

The feeling of being excluded can be deeply hurtful. At the same time accepting that someone might enjoy something better without us is worth considering. It's their life and freedom to choose and if we care about them would we want them to do something they don't want or wouldn't enjoy? If they see that we accept their wishes, albeit difficult perhaps for us, and they feel that their feelings are understood , perhaps things will shift. I suppose sometimes taking it in good grace is all we can do and maybe try to offer invitations for what we want i.e. That include everyone. Also it's worth being gracious if declining an invitation when we can't go, even if for us it was short notice. I agree it's very painful to feel excluded from family, they one group we would hope to feel a valued and treasured member.

I understand that you have been hurt but try to take the advice on here to let it go and not dwell on it. Your siblings did what they did for their own reasons; perhaps out of selfishness or misguidedly thinking they were acting in your interest. The truth is you will never know; it is in the past so try to leave it there. I tend to be easily upset by others’ actions and dwell on things but I have tried to change since reading this:

‘Holding on to anger is like taking poison and expecting somebody else to die’.

It really is harmful to health to hold on to anger and in your situation you need to take care of yourself. I wish you all the very best.

“ We choose our friends, but not our family” how true is that. Your sister sounds extremely mean spirited and clearly has a long term, deep rooted jealousy of you, hence the gloating with her financial situation. Just send cards to maintain the connection, but just accept it as it is, a situation that you cannot change ..... so take a step away emotionally, to save yourself further upset ?

Jennymolly, you are not alone. my sister treats me like this. I have found it's best not to think about it and get on with your own life.

The situation sounds hurtful I do agree; the older I get the more I realise that there are so many facets to human relationships - people have their own hang ups, grudges, longings etc. and often they unwittingly hurt each other quite badly without meaning to and then get very defensive when this is pointed out. I do feel for you; however the deed is done now, nothing can be changed about that, but for your own sake - and health - if you can put this behind you where it belongs and get on with recovery and enjoying the things that you do in your life you will help yourself a lot. They may come to think over what has been done and said and I don't doubt what you have said has given food for thought even though your sister hung up on you - maybe they will be more considerate of your feelings in future ; I do hope so.x

Please let it go, for health reasons if nothing else. Draw a line under what's gone before. If in future you are invited to anything, try to make it. I would invite your sister to you, or could you meet up somewhere,if she says no, at least you have tried. After 70 years, realistically, things are not going to change, but it's best you keep in some sort of contact and try if you can, not question what happens, you don't like the answers, just step back and conscentrate on you, your husband and your family. Life is really too short to worry about things that are out of your hands.

The joys of having a large family. You please one that offends another. My gr grandmother had fourteen children and I have met many aunts uncles and cousins throughout my life Now I haven't a clue where any of them are as the older ones have long gone and younger ones emigrated. or just got on with their own lives.My late DH was in a similar position and both of us were only ones.
Have I missed out?

Why hanker after people who so obviously have little regard for you? After a particularly traumatic time with my siblings cheating me out of money left to me by our mother, they exist for me only as selfish people who are detrimental to my happiness - as clearly, your brother and sister are to you.

As you said in your 2nd and 3rd posts you know the problems your sister has. The 11+ strikes again! Plus the other things. Strange your brother or his wife didn't make contact.

You decided not to go to the party because of animals but I think you brother and sister may feel, 200 miles you could have driven there and back in a day. Long journey yes, but a special birthday with special people there. Would you have done it for a funeral?

Whatever, you have your life they have theirs and you have managed to get to 70 through difficult health with limited contact. At least you know how things stand.

Yes, it does seem rather a hurtful thing to do. When I have experienced similar situations, I just back away and leave them all to get on with it.

I have learned that I rather like to run my life the way I want to, and will only engage in such activities if I want to, which is mostly never now and I'm happy in my life with my own family.

Perhaps the time has come to focus on your life with your DH and try different things. We don't have long on this earth and I intend to enjoy my time doing the things I want to do. Sounds selfish, but hey ho!

I know exactly how you feel Jennymolly. My two older sisters (not twins) have treated me like that all of my life, through my childhood and adulthood and even though I say I am used to it or have come to terms with it it still hurts. There is a year between them and two years between them and I. I even penned a small poem I think for cathartic reasons. This month, my BIL has gone away so one sister has the house and car to herself, two weeks in and I haven't heard from her at all, on the contrary, there has been a three day trip to Harrogate planned from which I was excluded and when I called her out on it last month she said she didn't ask me because "I would have said no" then she asked me "did I want to go?" obviously I said no because if she had really wanted me to go she would have asked before. They have invited me to the odd outing over the years but when I have gone they have both kind of ganged up and made fun of me. There was a short time in my life when I became close to the oldest sister as we both got jobs at the same place but the middle sister soon put a spoke in that wheel when she caused a huge amount of trouble by exaggerating the truth. I had said something about my oldest sister's DH and the middle sister saw it a great opportunity to nip our blossoming relationship in the bud and she made it sound a lot worse than what was actually said, I might add that my BIL left my older sister a couple of years ago for another woman. Very naive of me I know, anyway, please allow me to share my poem, as yet untitled ...

The problem with siblings, never spoken aloud,
is while two are great company, three are a crowd.
There's always a youngest and always an old,
then there's always the one who's left out in the cold.

You're told that they love you,
they say that they care,
They socialize often,
but your never there.

When invite's forthcoming,
the venue restrained,
then after refusal,
plans easily changed.

Unwanted, unneeded,
the fifth wheel, the spoke,
or welcomed along,
for the butt of the joke.

When disputes arise,
you're the Dish of the Day,
required nay expected,
to go out and play.

Your heart full of hope,
thus blind to the guile,
hidden behind,
the mask of a smile.

Bridges are mended,
and promises sold,
and then you discover,
you're back in the cold.

Deny it, Ignore it,
but know that it's true.
It's lonely and painful,
when there's more than two.