Has anyone mastered the art of saying No without the guilt that follows

Oh how I sympthasise. I have moved away from my middle son and am now living closer to my eldest. I do a lot of childcare for my eldest - which I am paid for - as it prevents me from taking the part time work I would otherwise have to do till my state pension kicks in. That is not the problem. The problem is that my middle son feels that he is not getting all the free childcare to which he is 'entitled'!! He was angry about the move and I have bent over backwards for him. It takes 5 trains each way to visit, which I have done many times in the past 2 years, with a dog in tow, in order to babysit for them. They have yet to visit me - because "it is too far away"!

Enough was enough when on a recent visit I was asked to babysit just before Christmas, travelling home on Christmas Eve, which as you know is a Sunday this year. The train service is terrible and I stood a chance of being stranded. I said no. They argued that I had the day over Christmas Eve wrong. They said it was their only chance to go out - which I know for a fact is not true. They were not happy and neither was I that they had asked such a thing.

A couple of days later my son rang me saying that "as they had missed out on Christmas, would I babysit for New Year?" I caved in, and said yes. But I now know that there are going to be a lot more nos in future.

My sister and I secretly called my mother 'Madam No' . You can guess why. Still loved her though

Look into his eyes, smile and say NO, then walk away - let him rant, unfortunately he las learnt that if he lays a big guilt trip on you, you will crack, I know of what I speak !! My daughter is a whizz at making me feel bad, she has'nt spoken to me since July, waiting for me to grovel - but I will not - I need what's left of my life to be happy, now its up to her. Stay strong.

I would suggest a meeting and a calm but honest chat about how this is making you feel. Don’t do it tho at a time when they are actually asking for help ! Reiterate your love and support, but you are “ allowed” to be honest for your own reasons and reach a compromise.

I empathise Pamted and Serkeen. Not so very long back I chose my moment , when everything was calm and no requests in action to say to my adult children I always will help if I can but if I say no then you must not strop. And I don't have to explain why.

A useful phrase I learnt when I was doing my counselling training was, 'if you can't say no, what is a yes worth?' It's worth employing, though only you will know how or when to use it.

Serkeen I feel your pain... I can say no but then for some reason I find I try and explain why I am saying no which somehow gives an 'in' from the requester to argue the point until I find I am saying yes!

"If you never say " no " what is your "yes" worth ?"
So true, Christine and Dee.
I wish I'd heard that years ago!
And eldest daughter used to try to be all things to everyone, until she met her present partner who has sensibly persuaded her to think of herself more. (And him, of course.)
Serkeen - as others have said , try to compromise, eg " if you do so and so, I might be able to help."

I do say no and then continue to feel guilty afterwards! I don't think there's any solution. If you [ie me] can back it up with a good reason then there shouldn't be a problem -
but that doesn't stop me feeling bad.

I did,nt find it too hard to say no to my own children when it was necessary as I knew no meant no in my own childhood. Were I did become to find it more of a problem was in the workplace, colleagues who would try and browbeat you into changes shifts....holiday rotas...overtime at short notice when you were too tired. This can also apply to extended families who like their own way and can have big strops and sulk if things don't,t go their way. I learnt gradually over the years to smile politely and say no sorry. If they persisted I would say again no I told you the first time you asked and the answer is still the same. Saying no becomes easier eventually.

If he says you are a bad parent remind him he is the parent and can't make arrangements before sorting childcare. If you can't babysit he can't go out that's what good parents do as I'm sure you did when your children were small.

Used to have the problem: therapy helped solve it as I was a people pleaser and afraid my adult children would hate me if I said no. Life story as to why I had the emotional issues. They still in my life even though I learnt to say no

Sounds like a spoiled brat tbh. Can't get his own way so chucks insults. Very respectful. Tut Tut

If you believe you can't say no with conviction to your adult children every now and again, then you are your own worst enemy!

If you listen to your grown up children tell you that you are a poor parent without walking away or correcting them - then subconsciously you are accepting the statement as being true.

Self respect is a something many women wrestle with when faced with situations like this - and nothing will change until you internalize self respect.

There has to be a limit. Everyone has a life, a life of their own and one in which decisions are theirs to make. The problem has arisen here because no thought about the future arose until now, well after this could have been resolved.

It gets harder the longer you let it continue. Now you need to grasp the nettle and be prepared for unwanted reactions. Time to come to an arrangement. Time to point out that you need a life of your own, one in which you may help in future but only when you can do so.

I very rarely say no. Simply because she is the only GC and there wont be any more and I know that sometime soon, she will have more important things to do than visit old nana. So, for me, babysitting is mostly a yes.

And I have 8 and it's also mostly yes's from me too because they don't ask very often. I know for a fact that I could say no without consequence though. That's the point.

I'm somewhat with goldengirl on this. I say no to a situation and then go on to try to equate my action with unconditional love. Fail every time! However I have recently offered an olive branch in the interests of self improvement (guilt?!) so am interested to see how that will work for both of us. Fingers crossed.....

Its getting involved in a discussion that leaves a loophole, that they can talk you round with. That's the technique telesales people use.

Thank you for your in put, all s very relevant. I keep hearing the word people pleaser and it has struck a cord in me and a light bulb moment because I am a people please and I can tell you as others will too, its hard work, and takes your energy.

Maybe that is what is wrong here..or is it that I want to pride myself on being a good Mum, probably a bit of both.

But what ever I do I am always in the wrong according to my youngest he criticises me a lot and when I point it out to him he states that he is doing it to make me a better person and then I get confused as to who is the parent but I do feel that he might be genuine when he says this as I can appear to appear as a mess sometime but it is my mess and I know what I am doing

I think as has been said not saying No can be detrimental I do believe that and when I have tried to force him to stand n his own two feet it is better for him and me too.

I just have a problem with sticking to my good ways.

Thank you for oyur time it is very much appreciated x

and sorry for the typos end of the day tiredness

ps had a look a motherland as suggested, wow it is intense and know what you mean, thank you for pointing that out

Why are so many posters seeing saying 'No' so negatively, if you see what I mean, There is no conflict between saying no and loving your children unconditionally.

Loving your children unconditionally is loving your children, good or bad, not turning yourself into a door mat. I would go so far as stating that saying 'no' is an essential part of being a good parent, saying 'yes' all the time isn't. Some of you seem to have ended up with thoughtless selfish children because you never say no.

Oh Serkeen.....with the words 'doing it to make you a better person' my stomach heaved as it took me back to an abusive relationship. My (now ex) used those words to me all the time as he belittled me and turned me into an emotional mess.

IMHO your son is a bully.

I can say NO! and mean it..................to anyone but my girls LOL