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Feeling pushed out

(18 Posts)
Opelessgran15 Fri 29-Dec-17 13:47:48

I have just been to see DS, DIL and DGC. I rang to see if I could go over, as I usually do, and was told I could go for a cup of tea, there was time before friends started arriving for an afternoon get together. Fair enough, helped out with GC while they were running round prepping.During some brief conversation, I heard a friend had been invited round yesterday ( "bless, she was on her own, husband out on a stag do") as well as DIL parents( who they spend most days with, most of Christmas etc). I was on my own yesterday. I have been through a phase of friends passing away the last couple of years, and although I have a lovely husband, he was back at work day after Boxing Day, and it can be a lonely sometimes, though I can find plenty to do.I feel manipulated by my DIL quite often. We have a good relationship on the whole, but I feel she micro manages my visits, whereas her parents are welcome anytime. To a degree, I know this is a natural thing, but I am starting to find it irritating, as she will contact me with a ' how are you text?' , and I know that I will be asked to babysit , have GC extra days or overnight from that first text.I will see my son on his own over the weekend. Should I say I feel pushed out,I would like to come over more and feel more part of their lives? Is it worth the fight anyone? Is it beating my head up against brick wall time? Shall I carry on as things are and feel miserable and a bit used, if I am honest? Sorry, this time of year is not easy.....

paddyann Fri 29-Dec-17 14:00:19

WHY do you feel pushed out? Did you include your parents and inlaws in every plan when you had a young family?

Opelessgran15 Fri 29-Dec-17 14:16:27

I only had my mum, first husband's parents were both dead. Yes, we did ask her a lot, but not all the time. We didn't have such a huge number of friends as my DS and DIL .I feel pushed out because her parents are always there, turn up without asking, whereas it's been made clear( did you ring first mum?!) that I must ask. Are you saying I should just pop in more, or more that I shouldn't feel pushed out paddyann?

paddyann Fri 29-Dec-17 14:35:40

I dont think you should feel pushed out,make yourself available to help WHEN they need it..its not being used if you get to spend time with GC...and you could drop into the conversation you'll be passing their way so might drop in .If they dont feel they have to make a special effort when you visit it might make it easier ...

Opelessgran15 Fri 29-Dec-17 16:57:12

True, paddyann, but I try to be respectful of their time together , as they both work full time, and my daughter in law has always given me a key to wherever they live( mainly to feed the cat when they are away I think!).
DILs parents don't get on, and look pathetic if there is nothing going on to entertain them. I sound as though I don't like them. Although we aren't bosom friends, we get on well enough, and they are good grandparents, though apt to tell GC off all the time, so GC has said " I don't like nanna", but I assume that's a phase and says the same about me! I think I am going to find a way to say something to DS tomorrow, at least along the lines of I might drop in more. They need help wallpapering, they hate it, so do parents in law. I like it, so I suspect I may become far more popular in the new year!

midgey Fri 29-Dec-17 17:18:43

The problem is ....your son is your son until he gets him a wife etc!

Eglantine21 Fri 29-Dec-17 17:23:54

Opeless if they both work full time how do they spend most days with the other parents?
And when would you pop over? Evenings, weekends? I don't quite see what the plan is.

Opelessgran15 Fri 29-Dec-17 20:00:18

Ahh, DILs father is working long term on a house and garden just two doors from them, and constantly pops in for tea and breaks and does jobs for them too. This has been going on for two years or more- I think he invents jobs on the other house now!DIL works 3 very long days from home, and is sometimes away. Mother goes along too when he is working, minds GC one day from sons house- doesn't like being on her own.Its Christmas hols and weekends that have dragged this up for me. Partner gave me a rational talking to tonight, and said I must focus on my life and what I want to do, and not theirs and her parents. He's right of course . One day GC will grow up and away, and you have to have something else then. I think I'm getting old, this sort of thing wouldn't have bothered me years ago. I would just have thought" whatever".....

MissAdventure Fri 29-Dec-17 20:06:33

You need to try and get the 'whatever' mindset again, if you can. Its fine to feel pushed out, maybe you are, but just acknowledge to yourself how you feel and move on from it. If you can, that is.

BlueBelle Fri 29-Dec-17 20:20:52

Your daughter and he4 family need to be able to live their own lives and if and when you are invited be it for a cuppa or for a granny duty take it, otherwise make your own entertainment and think yourself lucky you ve got your family nearby, many don’t have, so what if her father pops in from his job each day you sound quite jealous You have a partner/ husband , lucky you, concentrate on him you even have a moan about being on your own for one day many of us are on our own day in day out for years
Count your blessings you sound as if you have many
Sorry if you think I m being harsh but you have so much at your fingertips

NfkDumpling Fri 29-Dec-17 20:28:09

Thank you *MissAdventure and Opeless. I’ve been feeling taken for granted and a bit excluded of late. Thank you for reminding me to be “Whatever”. I wouldn’t have been bothered a couple of years ago, thought “Whatever” and got on with my life. It must be an age thing.

Opelessgran15 Fri 29-Dec-17 21:10:35

Yes, I am starting to think that, and I do count my blessings every day- usually- BlueBelle. I was on my own, for many years after being widowed young, and I think I revisit that feeling now and then, and yes I do think it's an age thing feeling left out and miffed. I have learned lessons again today via the wonderful gransnetters. I am lucky my son lives very near, so recounting my blessings. You don't sound harsh BlueBelle, just realistic. I hope things get better for you in the New Year. I am suitably chastened and comforted as well, and darn it , going to shrug and think "Whatever" in the future, it's much easier than the angst of age

Eglantine21 Fri 29-Dec-17 21:25:34

If you can find something for you that moves you from Whatever to Oh I'm having such a good time, that's even better! smile

BlueBelle Sat 30-Dec-17 05:33:28

So glad you didn’t take my post to be nasty opelessgran it wasn’t meant to be but sometimes words on paper can sound harsher than they are meant
I do agree that the older you get the more little things prey on you I find it too so let’s all have a drink together and say ‘whatever’
Cheers me dears 🍾

Blencathra Sat 30-Dec-17 06:55:18

I think there are 2 things here.
1. It is completely natural to feel the way that you do- it isn't a very nice situation.
2. You won't change it by making a fuss - it would only make it worse.
You need to look to the positive - your sensible partner and the fact they are local and you get to see them often. Live your own life and make sure that you have a good time when you see them.
The other grandparents may physically see them more often but they don't sound as if they have that brilliant a relationship.
Think of it as 'quality not quantity'.

Fairydoll2030 Sat 30-Dec-17 09:30:23

Just read your original post Opelessgran

Whatever you do, do not rock the boat. At least your DIL is civil to you and you can see your DGC.

I think it’s a ‘normal’ situation for dil’s to favour their parents and see more of them than the inlaws. I actually was closer to my MIL than my mum, but that’s another story..

You are not alone in feeling used! My sons partner has only just resumed (slight) contact with me after 2.5 years and that is only in relation to me looking after DGC.

Try to focus on the positives and the fact that the consequences of speaking out (which I know is very tempting) , could make the situation much worse.

KatyK Sat 30-Dec-17 10:46:09

I think this is par for the course as our offspring get older. It's happened to me and I have felt hurt but whatever you do don't say anything. I did, and it almost ruined my relationship with my DD.

Seaside22 Sat 30-Dec-17 14:08:08

I do understand were your coming from opelessgran.Again I do think it's an age thing, I feel invisible even when in company sometimes.Like you I am trying to make my own life more interesting and busy , then maybe just once when they ask me to look after dgc I will be able to say i'm busy.Of course they are very busy, and probably don't realise you would like to see them more, we also have to ring first, before calling which we did a couple of times, it's a few years ago now, we were made to feel uncomfortable both times, so we stopped calling, and waited for them to visit us, son calls over birthdays, mothers day etc dil rarely visits with him, but sometimes will text me for babysitting duties, we rarely say no as we love our dgc, and don't want to miss out seeing them whenever we can .Keep going opelessgran at least your seeing your dgc and son.Good luck.