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How honest should I be?

(41 Posts)
Morgana Wed 31-Jan-18 14:34:39

I belong to a couple of groups - different people on each. For various reasons I have decided to give up both of them. Can't decide whether I should give the real reasons for leaving each group, or whether to make up some excuse. What would you do?

Camelotclub Mon 05-Feb-18 19:45:11

Keep it diplomatic and impersonal in case you want to return!

starbird Mon 05-Feb-18 17:17:33

If there is any chance that you will mention your reason for leaving to other members of the organisation or people who are likely to pass back what you say, then in all fairness you should tell the groups your real reasons, maybe in writing so that it can go on file. You may not be the only person who does not like the new regime and your leaving might be a catalyst for change. You can put it bluntly without maligning anybody - just say that this new style does not suit you/is not what you signed up for - you could even finish your letter by wishing them well.

Nanny41 Mon 05-Feb-18 16:08:00

I have just joined a group which I am uncertain about, as having been told when they organise visits to different places you cant say you arent interested in that particular place, you MUST attend, if you cant for some reason, being away etc, that is accepted.I dont feel like being forced into things I dont find interesting.I wasnt told this when I joined this group, they could have been honest about it from the beginning.I would rather say I am not interested in going, rather than telling a lie and say I cant go.I understand Morgana

luzdoh Mon 05-Feb-18 14:09:18

I lean towards the openness of honesty, given with care, to protect the 'troubled-times-leader'. You can say you need more time for your other interests and responsibilities and that you have enjoyed being able to be part of the group. However now seems the right time to take a step back as the group has changed significantly in ways incompatible to how you feel it should work for the best. Then when they ask what you mean, you must say that the ethos has changed due to some members behaving like empire builders rather than cooperating equally (as before) with everyone and not behaving respectfully towards others, but treating them as if they were at work and giving orders (to subordinates.) I think you owe it to the members who, like you, are being taken over by these bossy little self-important would-be CEOs! Also, well done for your long service on the committee, it's hard to get people like you to do this! If you think you might get flustered or embarrassed, write it down beforehand.

quizqueen Mon 05-Feb-18 13:33:18

Having given a solid 5/6 years to help out a local political party taking on more and more roles as people left (Treasurer, Secretary, leaflet co-ordinator and deliverer etc.) as no one else wanted to do them, I decided, after the last election, I had done my bit and resigned from the committee. I was awaiting an operation so used that as my excuse to leave but not renewing my membership was the crunch as it no longer entitled me to take on those roles anyway. I still support the cause so said I would help from the side lines if I could but no more organising/paperwork or meetings for me and I feel so free but I know I am sorely missed.

I would just say you have decided to leave the group because you are not happy with the way it has evolved from the one you first joined and, if they want you to go into more detail, then you can either tell them or say those reasons are personal. However, you do not have to give any reason for leaving if you don't want to. There will always be people in life you don't want to socialise with or agree with and it's up to you whether you want to continue being in their company.

GabriellaG Mon 05-Feb-18 12:53:31

Sometimes one has to sugar-coat the truth as to some, the truth however kindly put, is a bitter pill to swallow.
Taking into consideration that you'll still have some interaction with various members, I think that is the best way forward. Only YOU know how they, collectively, would react.
Me? I like the unvarnished truth. It's easier to deal with. A bitter pill often brings about a remedy.

Aepgirl Mon 05-Feb-18 12:22:45

I recently had to give up on a small group that met fortnightly at the home of one of the members. There was one particular member who found innuendoes in everything, and her language could be quite 'ripe'. I eventually decided not to attend any more and just said 'after a great deal of thought I have decided that this group is not for me. I wish you all well, and thank you for your company'. Nothing more was ever said! Perhaps they were glad to see me go!

NannyC2 Mon 05-Feb-18 12:05:38

honesty is always best

Jinty44 Mon 05-Feb-18 12:02:49

The problem with both groups is largely to do with new people who have joined and either disrupted or changed the whole ethos of the thing. Largely, its the men empire building - think they still consider themselves to be at work!!!

I think you should tell the truth, diplomatically. Say that the group as it is now is not the group as it was when you joined it, and you no longer feel as engaged by it as you once did. You don't have to point the finger at anyone; if pressed, just be vague. ''Not as comfortable with how things are run as I once was." Or you might want to point the finger - "Tired of being talked to as if I am a subordinate." They'll know who's talking to people like that.

If you're not truthful, they won't change. If you have an affection left for the group, you owe them truth; even if it is semi-sanitised.

Marieeliz Mon 05-Feb-18 11:58:09

I was in a lovely group for over 30 years until new members came in and started changing the rules to suit them. Starting times and very early meals after finishing a walk. It used to be a lovely group and we would walk drive half way home and stop at a pub for a meal. The new ones wanted to eat at 3 pm and then make the longish drive home. In the winter we used to start at 10 am instead of 9.30pm and they stopped that because they wanted to eat mid afternoon. I haven't been for a while, it is a shame as we used to love it.

Overthehills Mon 05-Feb-18 11:43:04

I gently detached myself from a group when new and quite strident members joined and “took over”. If anybody asks I just say it’s not for me anymore. I notice however that others have also left. I’m still on friendly/passing the time of day terms with everybody in the group and that’s important to me. If it isn’t to you Morgana then tell the whole truth.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 05-Feb-18 11:21:52

If it will make you feel better to tell them the exact reason for leaving do so, if not, don't.

Telling your reasons will probably not change anything, so consider your own feelings here.

Kim19 Mon 05-Feb-18 11:20:04

Morgana, if by being honest you really mean getting a few resentments off your chest then forget it. Get yourself detached diplomatically but firmly. Enjoy the resulting freedom. It worked for me.

W11girl Mon 05-Feb-18 11:04:26

I have to say I found myself in a similar position on one particular committee which I left because it was dominated by men that behaved very badly. They didn’t like me challenging their views and would “gang up on me” ... this did not phase me. What did phase me was the women on the committee who agreed with me did not support me when it mattered. I stood up at my last meeting and politely announced that I could longer tolerate their bully boy attitude and had better things to do with my time. I also wrote to the governing body. Nothing’s changed...still the same old cronies sitting on the ineffective committee! Glad I left!

ReadyMeals Mon 05-Feb-18 11:01:12

I'd give the least bridge-burning reason that sounds convincing. You may wish to rejoin some time.

Coconut Mon 05-Feb-18 10:35:14

I personally would be honest to a degree by saying that I am not enjoying the group anymore. If asked and people are told kindly and constructively where you feel they are going wrong, others may feel the same as you, just don’t like to say. To say nothing, enables the situation to continue. Most groups should be “ everyone’s input is of equal importance”, votes ensue with disagreements etc ... democracy !

radicalnan Mon 05-Feb-18 10:22:24

All good things come to an end.

Alexa Mon 05-Feb-18 08:56:09

When I left a group it was mainly because of a new member who was very clever and rather rude to me. There was not good enough reason for me to remain and contend thus wasting my energy and time.

If you have enough moral support from other members then you would be doing them a good turn to state your reason. If not, be discreet and say "personal reasons".

OldMeg Mon 05-Feb-18 07:58:38

I’d simply say you’re leaving and if asked ‘why?’ then explain. Of course if you really enjoyed these groups then why not stay and fight.

ajanela Mon 05-Feb-18 07:19:42

The problem when you are not honest is that the problem continues and it leaves the others to cope and could end up with the group falling apart. By leaving without saying why, you are clearing the way for the person to be more dominant. They most likely have been plotting to get rid of all opposition.

Before leaving discuss the problem with the group. Put it on the agenda. Often when bullies are challenged they back of. If nothing is resolved politely leave.

Bridgeit Sun 04-Feb-18 20:06:54

Ohhps :go into

Bridgeit Sun 04-Feb-18 20:06:27

I would just say that you are leaving for personal reasons which you don’t wish to go at the present moment, that at least buys you some time to decide if you want to spill the beans at a later stage🙂

inishowen Sun 04-Feb-18 17:46:19

Maybe off topic too. I have gone to a group with my best friend for years. Recently a woman from my friend's church joined. Now she completely dominates my friend, talking about church. I am left standing there as I don't go to any church. I wouldn't mind this woman if she would talk generally so I could join in.

annsixty Sun 04-Feb-18 16:24:14

Slightly off topic but I have left a group of very long standing friends because one new person was introduced, she was ok, but she brought along à friend of hers who started cherry picking some members, mostly for the fact they were the better off members and she would invite them out separately ,in the expectation she would be invited to their homes.
It worked and then the group splintered into us and them.
I still see a couple on their own but things have never been the same.
Some individuals on committees act just the same, out for what they can get out of it.

kircubbin2000 Sun 04-Feb-18 15:37:40

I have just left another group where I had little in common with the members even though I quite enjoyed the course we were studying.