Mother's Will/am I wrong?

To the others who feel that I'm wrong, I was hoping that you would understand where I was coming from. I understand that I might never receive anything if my mom ends up needing serious care. I've always known and understood that and would want her to have the best care and a full life before she passes. I went into great detail about things here and I thought I was giving a clear picture, but maybe I didn't . It was never about "entitlement". I know that there are people who don't receive an inheritance at all and I realize that if I do, I would be very fortunate. This is only partly about the money itself, because I've become disabled and may need more specialized surgeries etc. that I couldn't afford.

I'm coming at this from a perspective of what I feel is right. I would feel just as passionate if this were happening to someone else in my shoes. This is why MOnica's post was healing to me...because she could put herself in my shoes. Quite honestly, I can't understand why some (not all) of you judged me in the way you did. Im very happy that brother and nephew are doing financially well in their lives, I wouldnt want it any other way for them. I've read in other posts here regarding wills, and because most everyone said that they feel it's wisest to leave their assets to their children, (and then the children can give to their their own children if they choose or use it for themselves if they need it before they pass, I thought I would be understood. Even then, I'm not upset at all that my nephew is in the will, but I don't think my father thought it out and was going by his feelings at the time without using wisdom. Situations change and people often revise their wills. For my mother to make her decision an irrevocable one, even though I truly believe my father would have done things differenly now I don't think is good. I tried to respectfully explain this to my mom. I believe my mother is putting a promise to someone who is deceased ahead of what is right. My dad is gone and she will need to answer to God rather than my dad when she passes. My mother has broken very important promises to me without any empathy for how it hurt me, and has never apolized. She risked more estrangement with us just as I began to feel good about our relationship and trusted her. Yet I was always the one who ended up trying to repair it the relationship and had to swallow my hurt. So it's terrible for her not to keep a promise to someone who isn't here when it would be the right thing to do, yet break promises to people that you say you love who are living? Maybe if my parents had cared about my feelings in regards to how they handle the situation with the inheritance from my grandfather, I wouldn't feel this way. I would be outraged if someone had treated their child in the way my parents treated me in that situation, yet only one poster seemed to have empathy. If I did have chidren, I hope I would never treat them the way my parents treated me in that situation. If I did , I would definitely make sure I was sensitive in regards to a future inheritance. It's ironic how some posters have said that it's up to me to make sure I have a comfortable life (and my life was for majority was comfortable before my disability..from my own hands, yes I did work all of my adult life and I worked hard and am still working some even though it has been tremendously hard now). Yet you think a grandchild should be handed a large sum of money at an early age without working for it, not even knowing what that grandchild's character will be like as an adult? Does that make sense if there is no favoritism involved? Why am I getting judged when it's my parents who have done hurtful things?
Again, like I said, I wouldn't have even brought this up to my mom if his percentage had been 10% and my parents even gave me a nominal amount from my grandfather's will when they were giving it to strangers? (yet
they want my nephew to have what may end up being a significant amount of money from their will? Does that really make sense? And my mom almost letting me live in a homeless shelter (she knew I couldnt handle that being newly disabled) when she had the means to help, knowing I would pay her back (and 100% of it will be paid back very soon). Honestly would you feel so different in my shoes? My parents have been good to me, but have also caused a lot of pain/neglect too. I was always punished with abandonment when I expressed my feelings to them about some cruel things that they did. To some of you, it may seen wrong that I expressed my feelings about this to my mother, but I'm tired of swallowing my pain and I would rather have a voice than money. But it still hurts to be punished for it. If you love someone, you don't punish them for needing to express their pain. I know full well that this money is hers, but I think in the end we will be judged by whatever inheritance or blessings that we have and how we use it. This attitude of "its my money so don't tell me what to do with it" isn't from a good heart.

My MIL left a generous portion of her estate to her grandchildren but it didn't occur to us to be resentful of that. Rather, we were pleased she had thought of them all.

Regarding your own position, it seems to me that you're risking a lot over a relatively small portion of money. You're still fortunate enough to be inheriting a substantial amount of your mother's estate. Why not consider yourself lucky to be receiving that and then concentrate on improving your relationship with your mother, trying to understand more about each other?

You say it's not about the money and yet you have written another long post about the injustice of it all! You need to get over it and live the best life you can. Counselling may help.

In my will I have left 5% to each of my 6 grandchildren and the remainder split equally between my two daughters although one is better off than the other. They have never said that they think this unfair and I would be very hurt if they did.
You mother is leaving an equal amount to you and your sibling, which in my eyes is completely fair. I hope you will not dwell on this any more and keep a good relationship with your mother, who has helped you out in the past and may do again if things become more difficult for you. You are fortunate to have this back-up which many do not.

I hate all this upset about wills.

I have made my own and still have sleepness nights about whether what i have done is right.

I know now after reading some of these posts it will be running through my head all day and possibly tonight.

I would hate to think i have left a loved one out when they were expecting something from me.

I have never / will never receive a penny from someone in their will ( or a legacy of any kind) . I was rather hoping I would be able to leave my very modest home to my children but that seems increasingly unlikely . I can’t understand the nastiesness that comes out when people die . Be thankful OP that you will get something handed to you on a plate instead of whinging that it’s not enough .

Just because I don't agree with you does not mean that I have "judged" you & I certainly sympathise with your situation. However I can understand why your parents wished to leave a legacy to their grandchild & then split the remainder between their 2 children, they probably thought that was a fair way of dealing with things & hence your mother was defensive when you raised it with her.
None of us knows what the future holds, I know of 2 friends who spent most of their adult life waiting for their inheritance, only to find in one instance it had been largely spent on care fees & in the other their parent married unexpectedly in later life & it all went to the step family.
Time spent with your family is much more important.

But Irishjig whether you ve had a good life, a bad life been loved or not loved, been treated well or badly you have no right to believe you can have any sway over your parents decision as to who to leave their possessions to. In fact you shouldn’t even know what is being left to you before the person dies
How would it seem if your brother went to your mum and said I feel as I m the Male I should get more than my sister This is not far fetched my friend with one younger brother inherited NOTHING while he got all the money and a mansion simply because the great grandfather who was the originator of their riches had written in his will that it would always be left to a Male heir She is still friendly with her brother and seems totally accepting of the situation
You are getting equal shares just as my children will although one of my children has no need for any bits I will leave Behind as he earns more than the other two put together but they will all get the same exactly ......just as you are
You say, why should a child who no one knows how he will turn out get a share, but your mum isn’t dead yet he may not be a child and if he turns out bad maybe she ll even change her will which is HER decision and HERS only
You do make it sound as if you feel you are entitled to this money, another friend of mine fell out with her eldest and she has left his share to the donkey sanctrury (although he doesn’t know it yet) be careful you don’t find that happens

Forget any money who knows there might be none at all if your mum lives a long life,
Resentment is a horrible passion

Comparison really can be "the thief of joy" if you let it be. Pleased don't.

Irishjig You say that only one poster has shown any empathy but it was YOU who chose to come on to Gransnet asking, I presume, for opinions on the situation from a Grandparent's point of view.

We cannot know what is in YOUR mother's mind. We can tell you how we feel about our families. My close family consists of 3 DGC, 2 DDs, 2SIL, The wider family is my sister, her DS and DD and their children and then some distant cousins. Should I win the Euro Millions, it will be my great pleasure to give substantial gifts to all of these family members and also to some close friends.However, when it comes to wills only the close family will benefit,

In your Mother's situation she has 4 close family - 1 daughter, 1 son, 1 DIL, 1 Grandson. She has chosen to split her legacy equitably as she sees it, giving you 40%, your Brother 40% and her, no doubt much loved, only grandson, 20% i.e. all her blood relatives. I don't think many Grans would see anything wrong with that division (unless there is discord within the family.)

I am guessing that you do not live in the UK where a disabled person would be entitled to benefits sufficient for modest independent living and all health care, including operations, would be free. Our opinions voiced on the forum will be based on that assumption, which may not be the case where you live.

I wonder if YOU have made a will? Probably not as you are young and have little in the way of assets. However, situations change, you may inherit , win or earn money. Who would you like to benefit when you have gone? It is entirely your choice as it is your Mother's choice.

I have a condition that limits what I can do but I would never have expected my parents to give me more than my brother and sisters. I understand what you mean about them giving more to your brother and his family but the reality is that an inheritance is NOT a right to have and your parents have the right to spend their money in life and death how they choose. We all borrowed at some time or other from my parents and my brother never paid them back (substantially more than my sisters and I ever borrowed) but I would not have expected that to be taken from his inheritance. This may sound harsh but be grateful for anything you get as it is a bonus not to be expected and if family relationships are truly more important to you, then let it go, now and forever or you'll end up with neither family nor inheritance. Repair your relationships with your family while you can - I would give back every penny of my inheritance to have my parents back.

Is your mother your cash cow? Sorry but this really annoys me. You shouldn't be bothering your mother about her will at all. I wouldn't have dreamed of mentioning my mother's will when she was alive. Take your 40% and be grateful.

I do sympathise with you Irishjig but coming from the other side of things it is extremely difficult to get it right for everyone when you are making a will. We have changed ours so many times as family circumstances have changed, as we don't want to upset any of the family or make them feel it is unfair - but really I fear it's impossible. At least you know the circumstances in advance and can plan accordingly. Do try and forgive your Mum - we're all just doing our best as we see it, but being human we don't always see it in the same way.

Your mother is being unreasonable to favour an privileged nephew over a disabled daughter. However, if you let this to to you you will:-

a) embitter your relations with your mother which seem important to you
and
b) also lose you an important inheritance.

Many people on this thread have pointed out that the money is your mother's to do with as she wishes and that money doesn't matter. Well, it is your mother's cash but money is important and if you are in the situation you describe you will be much benefited by having some extra to play with.

I should try to swallow your sense of injustice as, though you are right, it will lose you your relationship with your mother and the cash. Just let it go. Stop thinking about it and act with her as if nothing has been said. Be nice! Resentment doesn't so much poison the resented as the resenter. I knew a woman who lost a share in £1million because she couldn't bring herself to be polite to her MIL.

I wonder how the mum feels being seen as a money provider but very little else.
It is the mum's money no matter how she came by the money and it is not for anyone to be telling an adult what they should do in their Will.
If the mum goes into a care home there will be very little money left anyway.
All this sounds a bit grabby

Perhaps a course of counselling would be of help to you?
You are clearly very unhappy.
The role of victim is a heavy burden to carry, for you and for those around you to be privy to.
You do not need to be defined by your disability but perhaps need some help in learning to manage your life in a different way to accommodate it.
This sounds as if it is about much more than you perceived legacy.

I can understand why you're not happy with this. It does sound like your mother doesn't have much understanding of your situation. I'd be hurt. Of course, she has the right to choose who will benefit from her will, but I do think she should give more consideration to your situation.

It sounds like she's made up her mind, though. I hope she has a change of heart in your favour.

OP you appear to be very bitter. You say you worked until you became disabled, were you not able to save anything during those years? I do sympathise that you are now unable to work as you once did but from your posts it seems that your mother has been bailing you out for most of your life (apologies if this is not the case). I can only reiterate my earlier post, tell your mother you accept her decision and concentrate on your relationship with her.

Irishjig, do you have health insurance to help with future costs related to your disability? If so, this may have been a consideration for your mother, in that she may have thought about leaving more to you but felt you did not need it.

I agree with Monica and I find many of the comments here unfeeling and indeed harsh - sadly they often are.
I assume that Irishjig lives in the US (the use of Mom instead of Mum) and in that wonderful country there is no safety net for people in adverse situations through illness and disability. It really must be very scary to be approaching your senior years feeling so vulnerable.
As a mother I would see it as my duty to help a disabled daughter as much as possible and it would certainly override any dated promise to my husband. I have daughters of my own and cannot imagine behaving in this way to either of them.
Families are complicated: we on Gransnet cannot know the full story but I certainly feel for Irishhjig in this situation. I hope she can gain strength from her faith and the Christian community to which she belongs. Good luck in the future.

I do sympathise but as others have pointed out it is up to your mother to leave her money where she chooses. By leaving some to her GS she is keeping the money in the family - she does not appear to have asked you who you will leave your money to... I too will be leaving money in trust to my grandchildren (hopefully not for a while!! My children will inherit the bulk equally but I cannot see into the future so leaving money to DGC will keep it in the family. Please don't let this issue spoil your fragile relationship with your mother. I am sorry that you have disabilities but please try to enjoy your life and have some fun - life is too short to let these issues spoil it for you.

I think the OP has emotional issues here. She needs to ventilate her feelings - hence the very long posts sent in a safe & confidential way. But we are not professionals & can only give our opinions - and I don’t think any of the replies have been disrespectful, just honest (which admittedly can hurt as we all like others to empathise with us!). I agree, this lady feels she has been marginalised by her family. Not being included in any way from money left by a loving grandpa at a time when many others did must have hurt like hell. I think seeing a counsellor or her pastor would help as others on here have suggested. Poor mixed up lady.

It's up to your mum who she leaves it to. Your nephew is not getting any of your share your mum has clearly stated your share will be 40%. You are lucky to receive an inheritance a lot of people do not and actually help parents financially. If you wanted further education you could have done this yourself indeed still can you are no longer a child and need to make your own choices. it is perfectly reasonable to have any debts you have not repaid deducted from inheritance.

Your mother can do what she likes, get over it, you will have a fair share anyway.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who complained that her MILhome was not worth as much as they had imagined after she died. Some people are so greedy and grasping.

You ask for our opinions but are unwilling to accept them.