My mum left 10% of her money to be shared between grandchildren , the rest split equally between me and my brother. Seemed entirely reasonable to me - just cant see why there is a problem. Its her money to do as she pleases!
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Mother's Will/am I wrong?
(206 Posts)Hi. I'm new to this forum and not a grandparent, but would like a grandparent's perspective. I'm in my 50's, have never been married, and don't have children. I recently became disabled not too long ago and talked to my mother about the possibility of setting up a special needs trust fund through her will. During the conversation she told me that my brother and I will be receiving 40% each, and that my nephew (my brother's son) will be receiving 20% of the total inheritance, (not 20% from my brother's share). I was honest about how this made me feel (in a respectful way) and told her that seemed an excessive amount for my nephew to be getting and that his share would take a substantial amount from my share. She got angry and told me that she had promised my dad before he died that she would create the will this way. It's been 10 years since his death and I explained that since I still wasn't married, didn't have children and now disabled that my dad if were still alive, would want to make sure I was taken care of and that he would've probably wanted my nephew to get less of a percentage. She said it didn't matter if this was right or fair, but that her keeping her promise to my dad was the priority. This hurt me very much since my mom knows I have been suffering alot because of my disability and I may never get married and have anyone to help me. She told me i was insulting her by saying this (which its always about the pain I cause her when I tell her about the pain she causes me). She hung up on me. I explained in an email afterwards more in depth but she won't respond.
My brother and his wife both make very good money and live in a very expensive home. My nephew and his wife both work and bought a home. I've been living very modestly renting studios/one bedroom apartments and usually can only afford the basic necessities. I've had to borrow money from my parents in the past, but it hasn't been on a regular basis, and I've only asked when I couldn't afford a car repair etc, not for any luxury items, clothes etc, but over the years it has added up. My mom also told me that what I owe her will be taken from my inheritance. Although I think this is somewhat fair, It seems somewhat harsh to me since they never paid for a wedding, gifts to a child from my end, or an education when they could've saved up for one, but didn't. They weren't rich, but maybe upper middle class, and they spent a lot of money on expensive cars, trips, furniture, swimming pool etc. Although they did give good gifts to us at Christmas /birthdays (nothing lavish) alot of money was spent on impressing their friends. They also told me that they didnt think a college education was necessary (yet my dad later told me that altgough i wasn't a doctor or lawyer, at least I wasnt on drugs or in prison....ha).
I am paying my mom back for her loaning to me because of my disabilty.
My nephew could end up receiving an inheritance in his lifetime from my brother and his wife (not his biological mom), his grandparents, his wife's grandparents, my mom, and then also his mom and stepfather, his wife's parents too. Its not my business, but I will only be possibly recieving an inheritance from my mom. His 20% will take a substantial amount from my share that I will desparately need in my life. It will also take from my brothers share, but my brother will benefit because it's his son.
Also, this has really added salt to my wounds because years ago, my parents received an inheritance from my grandfather through probate (he was bitter at his children and didn't leave a will). My parents were trying to hide from me that they received an inheritance but I found out in a serendipity sort of way from a friend of theirs, who thought I knew. I also found out that they were giving some of the inheritance to my brother and his wife, some to my mom's best friend's daughter, to my mom's house cleaner and a few thousand to their church (which I'm glad about that). But they didn't give any to me. My grandfather and I loved eachother and we were close growing up).
When I told my mother how this hurt me, she said she could do whatever she wanted since it was her money (which was true, I never wanted more than a nominal amount and to only be included). I then got a letter that week saying that they didn't want me in their lives.
2 years later I called them to reconcile and we haven't been estranged since then, but my wounds have now been reopened and it hurts. We might be facing estrangement again and her puting me out of the will altogether, which although may hurt me financially, would be very hard emotionally. For the record, I don't do drugs, get into trouble, sleep around or cause problems. I live a peaceful life as a Christian and, although not perfect by any means, feel that to most parents I would be a blessing. I call her regularly, give thoughtful gifts. Ironically, although I'm sure my brother loves her in his own way, he rarely calls her. She and my nephew aren't super super close, and although he's nice to her, he's never given her a gift and rarely thanks her when she gives him a gift. I think she resents me because I'm not married and haven't given her a grandchild, but these are things that have caused me pain ad well, especially as I get older. Ive often felt unloved by her growing up and my talents were not nurtured, (even sabotaged) and she was competitive with me.
My mom has a good side to her too. She gives generous gifts to everyone at Christmas, we've had many beautiful conversations where we talk about our faith alot, laugh, and have been a blessing to eachother. But she has an extremely stubborn side, can be hurtfu, has broken promises that were very important to me without admitting she's wrong and even told me after my disability began she wouldn't be loaning me money and told me that life was hard and that I would need to live in a shelter if I had to and give up my precious pet that is everything to me. Fortunately over time, she loaned me money and that didn't happen, and she's been a blessing in that way now. But now I'm struggling emotionally because of the Will issue. I would much rather have a family and a good close relationship with my mother, than alot of money.
Do you think I am being unreasonable about this?(Sorry about writing a book)
Any advice on how to handle this?
I have done the same as your mum madgran. My grandchildren are individuals with whom I have a loving relationship and I want them to know I thought of them too when I wrote my will. My daughters then each get45% share.
Same here! Seems reasonable silverlining
Jenpax, thank you. I think you gave sound advice and I appreciate your understanding. I want to emphasize that I would never want my brother to receive less than me. He has his own pain too, and It would make me feel awkward and hurt me for him to feel my parents favored me in this situation because of our financial differences.
Again, it's more about the favoritism shown to him and his side of the family and what I feel are personal punishments from my mother that aren't warranted. My nephew's share will benefit my brother and that 10% on my end could pay for a surgery I need. Add to that..what I can't pay back will be taken from my share yet they will be gifting my nephew a good amount of money that he obviously will never have to pay back. I'm not trying to rehash this, I just want to clarify better where I'm coming from.
I would like to get counseling from someone who specializes in NPD, and God has been helping me to process this and heal. I thought about things my mother had to endure and cried about them again today..they were beyond horrible. Unfortunately, it's impossible
to have intimacy with someone when they don't care about your pain. Our relationship will have to change and won't be as rewarding to each of us emotionally. That in itself may cause her to punish me further since I would be showing more control which would emphasize where she is wrong. So, in all honesty, she could still take me out of her will, and I just need to do my best and trust that God will take care of me.
Thx..You sound like a good mom.
@Justwokeup, I don't view my statements as contradictions. Trying to explain every detail on a forum is impossible. I was self employed for the last 30 years before my disability. At times I couldn't pay my parents back, others times I could. During times of fruitfulness I gave money to religious causes that I was passionate about and also tithed/ gave offerings when I could. I had extra money before my disability, then used that to subsidize myself for months after. I sold some of my things as well because I didn't want to have to ask my mom for help. I even worked soon after my surgey when it was almost impossible to do while it made it and the pain worse.
I'm receiving disability now, but it barely pays for rent, so I still have to work some (and social security takes half of that). My mom has been lending me some, and I'll be paying her back soon, which she understands.
Not agreeing with someone, (or even a large amount of people) does not make it a narcissistic trait. Im learning that many people look at things very subjectively and even project their own negative qualities onto people without realizing it. There are some that do the best they can with advice, and there are some who percieve the reality of whats going on much better. I could agree for the sake of agreeing, and although it might make me more likeable to some, it wouldn't be authentic. I do appreciate the more compassionate responses, even if they don't completely agree with mine.
I have volunteered at times. I have to reserve my body/energy for the little work that I do, which causes pain. I have been putting energy into gifts that dont aggravate my injury and hope they will bless someone when I'm ready.
@ Madgran77 and Silver lining . I explained in my post that I would've not brought this up if my nephew was left even 10%. This is about favoritism.
@Silver Ling47. Your post makes me think of those kids who come from incredibly wealthy families, yet turn to drug abuse or commit suicide because of neglect or dysfunctionalism in their families. And yet unfortunately were probably told that because of money, how fortunate they are/were. I was never sure I would receive any inheritance, and know full well that any medical care could take everything . But I will have the knowledge that there was favoritism in the will.
And Silverling47, you do have a husband youve probably benefited from financially, and perhaps not disabled. You should be happy about that.
@ MaryEliza54. Thanks so much.
@ SueDonim. I was hoping for affirmation and then advice that went with it. Coming from a dysfunctional family you are often made to believe your perceptions are wrong and are told to not question the narcissist's motives or actions. I don't know if my mom has ever received an official diagnosis or not. Years ago, I asked that my mom and I go to counseling for our relationship, but to our own counselors separately, since we lived in different states. I could only afford a few times on my end, and she didn't go for very long on her end. She had the means to, but I'm suspecting quit once the counselor started to focus on her. She has always told me she's never needed counseling and that God has healed her from her past. I think others have mentioned it to her too.
I know it's extremely hard for a NPD to acknowledge their disorder, it's one of the hardest disorders to treat. But I do believe she is accountable for her actions. Many NPD's do receive counseling and are better for it. I do believe she's aware of her actions and how they've hurt me but I think justifies it in her mind because I didn't have the childhood she had.
I'm not sure a pastor would be equipped to deal with these issues, I think it's too complex. I'll need to find an expert. Ive also been finding great solace from reading NPD forums lately and will try those. Thanks for mentioning it though, I do appreciate it.
@ NFL dumpling. Thank you so much and sorry you may have had similar issue with your mom. In all honesty, I've let the issue about the will go. I actually see this whole thing as a blessing now. I'm glad my mom told me now instead of after she passed. My pain would've been so much more and grieving process interrupted.. Thx for everything.
personal punishment So to receive 40% of someone’s money is now punishment
my nephews share will benefit my brother that’s strange he will probably be a totally independant adult by the time your mum dies so how does that benefit your brother?
but I will have the knowledge that there was favouritism in the will There is NO Favouritism except in your head You are both getting the same you are so eaten up with jealousy that can you not see past that?
Carry on with your NPD forums I think you ll get lots of the sympathy you are craving there
Good luck to you all and I hope your mum lives to be 100
@ Newnanny. Thanks, actually that's what brought up the subject about the will. I was reading how a Special Needs Trust would help me retain my benefits. Good post, thx.
@ Blue60.
Thank you so much for your post.
@ Bluebelle, several others can see the favoritism involved, I'm sorry you can't.
10% could be substantional enough to pay for a needed surgery for me, and my 40% would help me with living costs, etc as a disabled and single woman. What I haven't paid back to my mom, will be taken from my share, but My nephew will never have to pay his inheritance back. Remember also, my parents gave my brother and wife a share of my grandparents estate when I didn't receive anything, so there has been favoritism. Again, I don't want MORE than my brother, I would never want it. (and yes, whatever my nephew gets will just be money that my brother doesn't have to give him in a future time of need.
And Bluebell, I actually have no jealousy for my brother. You and some others are simply not getting the full picture, so are assuming I do. I don't believe my brother is better off than me in non financial ways, in some ways I'm better off than him. I know he has pain too. Its not about what you think.
Your latest posts are so full of contradictions Irishjig I don’t think anything would make you happy.
You say it’s noy about the will yet still bang on about how the money could benefit you, your comment that your nephew “will not have to pay his inheritance back” is laughable - you dont pay back an Inheritance (by definition)
If you need the surgery now ask your mother for an advance on your estimated “share” . Otherwise, I assume you will have to wait for however long it takes.
The overall theme is money - your parents’ inheritance from your grandparents’, you mother’s will, the cost of this and that, the conversations with your mother about your fathers wishes etc etc etc.
What is sad is that you are trying to pretend that it is not.
Is your mother supporting you at present? If not, what is your source of income? Do you live alone or with her? You claim she and her grandson are not “super close” but he is her grandchild, and oh how jealous you sound.
You are also frankly ignoring (your prerogative) the vast majority of responses which have tried to be patient and understanding but all say in the final analysis that your mothers will is entirely her concern and frankly, IMO you have made things worse.
Maw, I'm afraid I think you're flogging a dead horse, sorry, a horrible expression. OP just cannot or will not consider any other view but her own.
I know!
Maybe it is time to bring an end to this thread?
Irish Jig, please do get some professional help.
This is all getting very messy and will only become more negative and possibly damaging for the original correspondent.
@marionk. No I wouldn't be whinging if I had a child that was in the will because I may not have to give money to her in the future if she needed it (and use that for basic care for myself). Or she could give part of it to me in a time of need. Simple to understand really.
I have been following this thread and I am, I have to say, confused. The OP is obviously bitter about the fact she was not given any money from her grandfathers estate and I think this is colouring her feelings now.
I can understand how she feels that her mother has favoured her brother all through their lives, I have experienced this myself and think it is not uncommon between mothers and sons - just as it tends to be fairly common that fathers will favour their daughters.
If I am reading this right, she doesn't live in the same state as her mother, so how often does she see her? Does her brother live close to their mother and is therefore a support to her, emotionally if not necessarily financially?
I don't think it unreasonable that the nephew should receive part of the estate. We have no idea how much money is involved but as the OP states her share would cover her medical needs and provide for her in future years then we can assume it is quite a substantial sum.
She continually states it is not about the money yet her posts are all about what she perceives as a slight because she will not be receiving as much money as she thinks she should.
In reply to marion the OP states that she wouldn't be whinging if she had a child who was mentioned in the will because "I may not have to give money to her in the future if she needed it (and use that for basic care for myself). Or she could give part of it to me in a time of need". Once again it is about money (in this case receiving it from any child she may have had)
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Yes sunseeker, it's partly about money because one needs it to live..sigh.
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