Elderly parent and respite care refusal

The trouble with Alzheimer sufferers is you don’t know what they are going to be like from day to day. I’d ring the care home and ask for advice and support in the handing over process.

You’ll find they are quite used to this.

It was probably a mistake to tell your mum that she was going somewhere until just before you took her. She probably has no terms of reference for a modern day care home and remembers care homes from years ago.

As nfk says, the staff at the care home will know how to help you so let them know your worries and your time of arrival.

You should help your mum settle into her room but then take her to somewhere with people around and leave.

Have you had contact with the Alzheimer's Society? Too late for this but they are invaluable for help and advice generally.

The care home will be well versed in how to cope with your mum. Tell her it’s just for a day or two and she’ll probably cotton on to the word day. The home will do the rest. Walk away quickly and firmly. You can ring the home a few hours later to set your mind at rest. It may be better if she thinks you’re going straight back to your home rather than spending the night nearby and handy.

You need to turn things around in your head here. Your brother needs the break, you can’t have her with you, you know how young children settle and your mum is now behaving like a young child. As we age our world, our ‘bubble’, gets smaller and we get more selfish as we rely more and more on others. We become more and more like demanding, wheedling children - only with a whole life experience to make us better at it! My mother could lay on the Guilt so well - she says she learnt it from her mother! I fear I’m going the same way, I feel it sometimes and try desperately to nip it in the bud. Be strong! I hope your brother has a good time away. He deserves it.

Thankyou Hilltop Gran, I appreciate your advice from experience. I think I will have to say it’s just for a few days, and hopefully the care Home will play along too. Who knows she may get to like being in others company because at present when Im not there she speaks with no/one during the day apart from the carers and says she hates being on her own!

Thankyou for taking time to reply Eglantine. I too taught in EYFS then KS1 and can’t count the number of times that I told parents their children would be fine, and they were. It’s just that she’s always said she’d hate to be in a home and up to now we’ve managed not to need one, with her friends and relations staying with her but unfortunately very few are left and those who are can no longer help for whatever reason. I can’t take her home with me as she’s scared of falling down our stairs, why I don’t know, and I just couldn’t manage my mum, 20 month old granddaughter and go to my little teaching job ( I retired early from DHT post last summer) and leave her alone in our house. She will be safer in the home it’s just convincing her of this! ?

We found it worked best with our Mum who had Altzeheimers to be factual and brief. So we would tell her she was going to stay overnight whilst we were away. Then arrive hand over to care team, reassure her she is staying only a few nights and she will be going home and then leave.
With impaired memory long explanations only cause confusion and distress. It is not easy to leave a loved one in others care, but if you are happy you have chosen the right place, remember its short term and your brother needs a break.

I was going to write that it would be like taking a child to school but thought it might sound condescending. But honestly it is. I was a nursery/infant teacher and saw with my own eyes how quickly they settled once the upset parent left.

A few months ago I had to make arrangements for an elderly aunt to go into residential care. She cried and begged me not to leave, not to leave her there. The staff advised me to go and get a coffee at the cafe down the road and come back in an hour.

I did that and she was watching television with a new best friend. She said how lovely of me to visit her but it would be better if I came when she wasn't so busy!

My advice would be to leave cheerfully and reasonably quickly. If you are upset it will trigger upset in her. And then, if possible, pop back unobserved after an hour or so. Just to reassure yourself.

It's not easy I know.

Yes, if you're going to have to leave then you'll have to just go at some point..
Its difficult, but maybe she may be quite taken with the 'hotel'?
I don't think there is a technique you can use, and I think staying on and trying to talk her round to the idea might cause more upset.

Well he’s left you in the doo do hasn’t he When mum had to go in for respite I told her she was going to a hotel for a weeks holiday however I found the place the SS had alloted us dirty, the door was opened by a VERY young teen who seemed in charge for that shift there was a horrible smell and there was no way I could leave her so I took her home with me, changed all my week around and got friends to help with ‘gran sitting’
I hope you have better luck

I’d still have to leave and I know she’d keep saying don’t leave me. Advice from those who have done it say it’s like taking a child to school on the first day and it’s best to ‘drop off and leave’ but I don’t know if I can do that!

I don’t know MissAdventure but knowing my luck I doubt it! The home were very reassuring but they’ve no idea just how upset she can get!

What time are you planning to take your mum to the home?
I was wondering if you could buy something nice, like cakes or fish and chips, and have them together as soon as you arrive?

Oh dear! Is it possible your mum may be in a different frame of mind come 'the day'?