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(11 Posts)
silvercollie Sun 15-Apr-18 11:26:51

I wonder if anyone can shed light on the impasse that I experience from my immediately younger sister (3 & half years). Because I am mystified and remain upset.
Trying to be brief, she was always our father's favourite which he constantly demonstrated and yes, I was jealous of her. She was also pretty. I was an awkward, shy, anxious and plain child and was no doubt a complete pain. However said sister spent many years 'getting me into trouble' with our parents - for which I would be punished, sometimes quite harshly. She scribbled in all my books and took to school the little teddy bears that I knitted clothes for and lost them.
And more besides over the years.
Cut to some twenty years ago when our father died. She had not seen him for over 10 years - "he can drop dead tomorrow for all I care". I had made a pact with myself that should she ever ask how he was and even where he was living, then I would tell her. She did not ask.
Come the time of his death - by which time he was more in the other world than this one, I plucked up the courage to tell her and our other sister who had not seen our father since she was 14 years of age - over 25 years earlier. I was surprised when the sister who is the subject of this query told me that I should have said that he was ill (he would not have known her). Further more she would not be attending his Funeral as she was moving house that day and it was 'not convenient'. Crematorium and house move possibly 3 miles apart. This all happened many moons ago but please someone tell me why she refuses to have anything to do with me. I have spent years trying to make sense of it all. Some years ago in answering my suggestion that "that was then and this is now" and maybe we should move on, she said that "that's big of you".
Of course our Aunt had told her brother my father that he should leave his little 'nest egg' to me entirely as I had had the responsibility of looking after his welfare for so many years. And I was not to share it. Well, the sisters had been out of the picture for a long time and both of them are the sort that will not discuss anything uncomfortable.
Thing is, this is so old history. This sister lives not 10 miles from me, alone, as do I. No communication whatever - no 70th birthday wishes, five years ago. For her 70th, I sent her some flowers, but no thanks were returned.
It is all so sad. Youngest sister lives in France, my grown up children live a long way away - two are overseas. So she is my geographically my nearest relation.
I meet a group of our maternal cousins from time to time, they all know her and have told me to forget her. But she is my sister and I love her.

Situpstraight Sun 15-Apr-18 11:34:01

I think that you love the idea of the sister that you had when you were growing up.

Not the adult she has become.

Please try and find some interests, clubs, anything to get you out of the house and sharing/talking to other people who could become friends to you, or even a pet.

Probably too much time has passed to sort out whatever the problem was. My cousin looked after her disabled brother after her parents died and she inherited their property, one of her brothers never spoke to her again, he died last week, still bitter that he didn’t get a share of the estate.

Please try to stop dwelling on something that you can’t change.

Izabella Sun 15-Apr-18 13:31:18

'I think that you love the idea of the sister that you had when you were growing up'

I think the above hits the nail on the head and you are grieving for what you feel you have lost. 💐

M0nica Mon 16-Apr-18 09:42:27

silvercollie, the past is the past, leave it there and look forward.

Yours is/was a dysfunctional family. Your parents (you do not mention your mother) by having favourites and punishing others harshly did nothing to foster close relationships, nor to raise loving close children. One of your sisters clearly moved out at 14, a very young age, and presumably for a very good reason. I think the source of the indifference of your sisters to each other and to you lies in your childhood. I see no reason to look any further.

But what has happened has happened. Yours is not an uncommon experience. A lot of people have difficult or non-existent relationships with their siblings, but most may regret it but put it behind them and get on with life.

I think the real question is why you are spending so much time on such a fruitless endeavour. Are you lonely and feeling isolated. It must be difficult being a long way from your own children. Did your difficult childhood, make your maternal relationships difficult.

I think what you need to do is think briefly about the reasons the past pre-occupies you so much and address them. Enjoy the company and support of your maternal relations. You can never forget your sisters, but you do not need to think about them or the past constantly.

Luckygirl Mon 16-Apr-18 09:47:51

Move on, walk away from all this. Realistically like most of us on here, you are in the final phase of your life and you do not want to waste a moment of it troubling yourself with old arguments and things you cannot change.

Go on a cruise! smile

Izabella Mon 16-Apr-18 10:40:18

😂 Luckygirl

silvercollie Mon 16-Apr-18 20:22:07

Well, found this thread at last. Unfortunately I started it again yesterday as Had had no responses.
Yes, kind people, you are all correct. But I promise you I have not dwelt on it of late. Spent too much time analysing every aspect of my non relationship with DS and drove family nuts. Not allowed to mention her name!!
And I am a very busy person, despite finding it difficult to join groups etc. I live in the countryside on my own and I guess it has been a difficult winter. Despite now being 'disabled' (I don't accept it) I still take my two dogs out twice a day, am secretary to a county Sheepdog Club, help lamb sheep, write about shepherds and sheepdogs, try to exercise but still that little worm keeps niggling.
More self control required, methinks.
But again - my thanks.

Bluegal Mon 16-Apr-18 20:51:52

Silvercollie. Sounds like a lot gone on that we are not privy to? It is such a shame when siblings fall out BUT its not always true blood is thicker than water. You sound like you have a good fulfilling life.

As hurtful and hard it is you will just have to accept the situation as it is.

Carry on enjoying your life as you are. You could write your sister a letter telling her how you feel but be prepared for no response.

Chinesecrested Mon 16-Apr-18 21:51:15

It's sad when this happens. My sister and I weren't close. I was 4 years older, a bit overweight, wore glasses and was quite academic. She was pretty, slim and outgoing (although it didn't really bother me too much, as we were so different). Our relationship in later years was always a bit cool, but I think Bluegal's hit the nail on the head in her last paragraph. Just enjoy what you've got.

TwiceAsNice Mon 16-Apr-18 22:29:43

I do understand your disappointment. I am not close to my brother my only sibling. I was estranged from my mother when he was still living at home and over the years that we grew up and were both adults ( he is 7 years younger than me) he has got in touch and then just vanished again for no reason. I have now given up trying to keep a relationship going and realise it's not possible when the other person won't really try.

Grammaretto Fri 20-Apr-18 11:28:07

I think there needs to be someone in the family who holds it together. It is my Mil on OH's side and my brother on mine. It isn't an easy job but worthwhile if you want to keep the next generation in touch with each other.
My Mil, who is ages with the queen, still arranges get togethers for her extended family.
My brother remembers birthdays and phones regularly.
I guess when they go someone will have to take over.