Having issues with MIL need help!

Mamabearchadwick, you need to lay down the ground rules about the care of your child whoever the babysitter is. A mother in law is no better and no worse than any other baby sitter. You mother in law has little to complain about. I agree that it would be a kindness on your part if you tried to explain to her how smoking matters to your child's health. You may need to patiently reiterate your point of view many times. You seem to be doing very well juggling all those relations and relationships. Good for you breast feeding! Hope you can keep it up.

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Oops, oldest grandson will be 12 in June, he's not 9. When I look after his little sister he helps if there and he tells me what to do as well! I am a put-upon gran! To be fair he is fantastic with his sister. #1 daughter is picky and cranky and difficult. #2 daughter is easy to please, but sadly a 1.5 hour drive away. I don't know what you are like but as a first time mum I should think a bit picky now. Actually second daughter almost never lets me do anything as I travel far to her and she thinks I should enjoy playing and not do childcare.

You could start again with Mil and ask her over and let her watch you change baby and take baby out for a walk? In a few months she might like to go to a play group or music session with you and baby?

anitampl it’s her MiL NOT her mother and why are you questioning a simple statement that the MiL’s new partner is a smoker?

Mamabearchadwick I've got 2 daughters and #1 has a 9 year old and 3 year old and #2 an 18 month old. Before I spent time alone I spent time together with daughters and then graduated to taking grandkids out in the buggy for short walks, to give mum a rest. Then when I babysat I had instructions and it was in daughters' homes. Usually it was a couple of hours at first. My biggest difficulty is the equipment! Be patient with mum and mil as the buggies, highchairs and car seat are much more complicated than when daughters were little. Folding a buggy requires a 6 week training course!

I do after nursery care and did after school and my worst gig is when #1 daughter is very ill and home and wafts in and our while I am looking after the 3 year old. Or when she was 1 or 2. Daughter critiques my performance and gives notes to do it better! I want to carry on looking after them as that's mainly when I see them so I say ok and smile .

It's very hard to comment without both sides of the story. And an awful lot depends on how things were said, just as much as what was said. I think perhaps you are being a bit precious to say you want your daughter to be babysat in her own home. Babies and toddlers are perfectly happy and comfortable different environments. I can understand your concerns about cigarette smoke. But I don't get the impression you have actually been to your mother's home and smelt smoke. If you have, then I apologise. I think your first move should have been to visit your mum with baby and discuss things face to face. Then if you could smell smoke you could have raised your concerns. At the end of the day your mother would be doing you a big favour, yet it feels like she's been approached more like a laid child minder. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but am sure you could repair any bad feeling if the two of you could meet somewhere in the middle, and it would benefit you both.

Draw a line in the sand, ask her to meet up for a coffee and talk to iron out misunderstandings etc to find a way forward ..... for everyones sake.

I think it's reasonable for you to ask her to come to you. All the stuff your baby needs will be at hand. I used to leave home at 6 am catch two trains to look after grandchildren. Most importantly it is not good for babies and children to be in a environment where people smoke. Hope your husband supports you in your decision. Both my parents and in laws smoked and I wish I had been stronger about taking my children into smokey environment. Good luck

Your MIL sounds a bit of a drama queen to me and your DH needs to get on board with this - It does matter where a 4 month old baby is taken care of - because all the feeding gear is at home, and the smell of the environment etc. is part of baby's safe haven. It would be different if your MIL had developed a relationship with the baby but she hasn't for whatever reason. The smoking is the issue - if she takes the attitude that she's brought up four children blah, blah - then she'll also turn a blind eye to her boyfriend's smoking. You were right to tell her it wasn't going to work - find a professional nanny to babymind for the weekend and then afterwards do your best to create a relationship between grandma and baby on your terms.

I agree we have only heard one part of the story, however, the OP comes across as a caring, considerate and practical new mother. She’s trying to do the best for everyone involved. A new mother with a 4 month old, who is learning all the time, trying to keep everyone involved (with an extended family), juggling motherhood with a job. She comes across as a very reasonable person.
Some posters are trying to portray the MIL as a paragon of grandmotherly virtue, which, from the info so far, is a fantasy.
Has anyone considered that having just recently had a new boyfriend move in with her, she may have other priorities and be very much occupied with the new partner, rather than overly concerned with seeing the new baby?
My concerns would be joint - residual smoke in the apartment and how well does everyone know the boyfriend. Until I felt totally happy about both, I would have child care at my home, on my terms.

Hello. I’m totally on your side darling. I’m lucky enough to be a Nanny to my daughters beautiful two year old little girl and from day one I have slotted in with exactly how they want things done regarding THEIR child. They both know I will do exactly what they’ve told me every time . This is her first child and new mums need to be supported as it’s a very nervous time . I agree with who said the grandchild is not a prize that the grandparent is entitled to. I’ve moved to the other end of the country to be near my granddaughter and daughter and it’s a privilege to look after and spend precious time with her. I had a horrible Mother who demanded I give my precious babies over to her and I refused as I didn’t trust her . She thought she had a “ right”. She didn’t and I never left my daughters with her unattended and your mil sounds awfully familiar. You stick to you guns darling and remember that you are Mum and what you say goes!

Excellent response Bluebelle my thoughts exactly.

Seems to me that the real issue here is the smoking. I can understand why you don’t want your baby there and I can understand why you wouldn’t want to address it with your Mother in law. However, someone needs to and it needs to be your husband. At the end of the day he needs the baby sitting as much as you do so he needs to take some responsibility. I agree with an earlier comment I really don’t think a 4 month baby gives a hoot whose lounge they’re in at the time. All they need is attention, love and warmth wherever they are. The biggest issue you are heading for is an upset baby because she’ll detect the tension no matter whose house she’s in. That will then create even more problems going forward. Either way your husband needs to sort this and then you and your mother in law can move forward creating the right environment for the little girl grow comfortable with everyone.

Oh dear.. not an easy one to manage mama bear. When my dil went back to work I had my GD from Sunday afternoon to Monday evening. /this worked for them and gave dil a good nights sleep before work on Monday. It was tiring at times but we coped and we have a good relationship with everyone. I would not let a baby stay or go to a house where someone is smoking. If it upsets them that is tough. I think you have been reasonable in wanting MIL to get to know your baby in your home - hope its not to late to put the situation right. How about meeting MIL for coffee with the baby and talking the situation through. Meeting away from both your homes might help. You need to build your relationship with her too. Best of luck.

The risk of SIDS is greatly increased by exposing a young baby to tobacco smoke, some of you don’t seem to have registered that fact.

I would not allow a 4 month old baby to be in a smoker's house if they ever smoke indoors - smoke residue permeates all of the carpets, curtains, sofas and textiles etc

Madgran77– yes I appreciate your suggestions and agree with you we do need to talk in person. I have reach out since this incident and have been ignored. So I resorted to have my husband to offer to visit this week so hopefully it goes well.

Mamabear * I want all of the grandparents to be apart of her life as much as they can but having a fragmented family because of divorce is tough we have my husband dad , stepdad, and mom to keep up running from one place to the next to see everyone is very exhausting as a new mom and hard when is nursing every 2-3hrs. That’s why I made a point to tell them I would happy for them to visit whenever they have free time to just call before they drop by. We all live in the same town. I haven’t said no to anyone so far and I don’t plan on stopping anyone from seeing her*
I had not seen this follow up post of yours when I previously commented. However I still think my comments are worth your consideration. I think explaining all of the above to her (including that you asked you own Mum to do the same initially) is part of that discussion with her.

She has no right to visit grand baby whenever she wants where’s that come from Cornish there is no mention of her ever visiting in fact the grand mum said she had held back as she didn’t want to get in their way
I totally agree with others about the smoking thing but if they have never been to the house they have no way of knowing if there is smoking going on or not Surely it would have made sense all round to have been in some sort of physical contact before asking the woman to have the baby for a whole day

Smoke lingers so if the MILs DP smokes then it is likely to be in the apartment unless he only smokes outside.

Your request for MIL to come over to get familiar with baby and her routine and ideally to look after her at your house sounds very reasonable to me. All the equipment is there and she will be able to put her down in her own cot for naps etc. I cannot see why MIL should protest this so much having been a mum herself.

She has no right to visit grandbaby whenever she wants and visits should be a two way thing. She sounds as if she is either cross you have not been over to visit or defensive of you implying she cannot look after baby as she does not know her or routine. Maybe invite her over once a week for a while until she gets to know her. Make your DH arrange a visit to his mums so you can see if the smoking thing will be a problem. I would have no problem saying baby cannot go there if it stinks of smoke.

Don't go into the smoker's home - it will be clinging to the curtains, the carpets, clothes etc.

First duty is to baby.

Dontaskme I asked these same things from my own mother and she agreed without any objections the first few times she watched her. She now watches her at her house and she does very well. I think that is why I was so shocked about my MIL objections/refusals.
I want all of the grandparents to be apart of her life as much as they can but having a fragmented family because of divorce is tough we have my husband dad , stepdad, and mom to keep up running from one place to the next to see everyone is very exhausting as a new mom and hard when is nursing every 2-3hrs. That’s why I made a point to tell them I would happy for them to visit whenever they have free time to just call before they drop by. We all live in the same town. I haven’t said no to anyone so far and I don’t plan on stopping anyone from seeing her.
Now that she is getting older and flu season is over we get out to new places as much as we can and she is doing very well.
The smoke is an happening in the apartment when no one is there but when people visit he goes outside. So 3rd had smoke is the concern as she becomes more active and is always putting her hands in her mouth.

I just want what is best for her health.

I agree with you Dontaskme they don’t even know if the boyfriend smokes in the house as they ve never been for all they know he may go outside to have his fag .But fancy never visiting for four months or maybe never the poor grandmother said she hadn’t want to interfere but that was wrong too then suddenly they need her for a whole day
Not fair at all

Smoking - all you need to do is ask them not to smoke around the baby and I'm sure they won't.
Dontaskme read up about third hand smoking. The chemicals remain on surfaces and are easily picked up by little hands. It is dangerous.

This is a 4month old baby who does not need to stay in her own home to feel comfortable in an "environment that she knows". At that age they don't care and I don't understand why so many new mothers insist that their babies need to be in one place or another to feel comfortable - this is where the issues start with screaming kids being left at childcare/nursery/school as mums insist on either never being away from them, them never going anywhere without them or going off to new environments.
This IS the Grandmother we're talking about here. Just write the schedule down and give it to her, along with any bottles/formula etc the baby will need and leave them to get on with it, in the Grandmothers home. For someone on here to suggest that you cant trust the Grandmother, who you don't say has actually done anything wrong, is a disgrace.
I feel sorry for the Grandmother who you don't seem to have included in her Grandchilds life and have now decided that she's not capable of looking after her own grandchild.
Smoking - all you need to do is ask them not to smoke around the baby and I'm sure they won't.
I get really fed up with the way so many MIL go through the wringer - rarely do we hear such stories about the maternal side, its always the paternal who are useless it seems.