Having issues with MIL need help!

Oh dear. This sounds like since the baby was born your MIL has been trying to do the right thing by not being over demanding to give you space .... but has been building resentment because she hasn't been invited and you haven't visited her. You on the other hand expected her to come round or ask to visit if she wanted to and didn't visit her because of your valid concerns about the smoking! A lack of communication about expectations, needs and wants on both sides! What a shame ...but she deserves some credit for acknowledging you might need time and space as a new mum ...you are lucky that she has that much insight into a new parents needs!
Then into this resentment building situation up pops the first opportunity for her to spend some quality time with her grandchild; excited and pleased she is very likely looking forward to it. She gets a text with your requests (which sound sensible and reasonable!) and oh boy does that building resentment kick in (remember her interpretation of not seeing her grandchild, not being invited etc is likely to be that you don't much want your daughter to build a relationship with her; this may not be true but how would she know?) ...so her responses to you come from resentment, anger, upset, hurt, feeling a bit used....and your responses to her come from anger, protectiveness of your child and maybe a feeling building that your MIL isn't really interested as she hasn't asked to visit!!

You two need to sit down quietly without interruptions and speak honestly about 1. Your wishes for your daughter and why 2. Each others needs/expectations about visiting etc 3. How this whole misunderstanding has occurred and moving on from it. Then maybe arrange a couple of little outings together with your daughter....the park, for coffee, to the play club etc ...to all enjoy each others company!! Your daughter will build a relationship with her grandmother; you will build a mutually supportive relationship with your MIL, a different one than before perhaps now that you are a mother too.

I truly hope you can sort this and that your MIL is willing to meet you halfway in sorting out the misunderstandings and the future ...for her own sake, for your sake and for your daughters sake!

BlueBelle I should clarify. My MIL was checking in and visiting for the first maybe first month, but as time has gone on she slowly stoped. Now I send photo and updates almost everyday ( to all the grandparents). I don’t get a response from her when I send these. There have even been a few time that she had planned to come over and then never showed up. My mom is usually the one that watches her when I go to work( which is only 3 days a week) but she wanted to go out of town for the weekend with my dad. So my husband asked his mother and she agreed, it would be 5-6hrs.

To address not having been to her apartment. We have been to her apartment but not since the baby was born which was the same time the boyfriend moved in. Prior to that no smoke. My concerns is SIDS and the risk increases when exposed to smoke. I have had this concern and spoken about this many times with my husband. Explains that I want to go check out her apartment, but it never worked out for one reason or another and he would just say we have to do it later.

I really appreciate everyone’s perspective and thoughts

I too wonder why you haven't been to your MIL's house before? Is there any reason for this? It doesn't sound, from what you've said in your OP, as though there is an existing relationship between you? You seem to know so little about each other and I can't help thinking that asking your MIL to care for your baby, for a full weekend, without there being any kind of a relationship in place, is going to be very difficult for all of you. Perhaps you could start to build up that relationship over a period of weeks or months, so that you all get to know each other properly and build up trust, before you leave your baby with her.

- and whom you can trust! -

I think you will have to find someone else to look after your baby - someone who understands the priorities and worries of a new mother.

If her boyfriend smokes in the house I wouldn't take a baby to visit her and certainly wouldn't want her looking after the baby there. But it does seem as though this hasn't been made absolutely clear to her. You might like to send her some information about 2nd and 3rd hand smoke effects on children.
Infants can also be affected by thirdhand smoke. One study suggests that smoke exposure is one of the biggest risk factors for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). The other large risk factor for SIDS is improper sleeping position.
Aside from the risk of SIDS, thirdhand smoke exposure sets infants up for some of the same health risks as older children, including frequent illnesses and respiratory problems.
3rd hand smoke is the residue of chemicals left on surfaces in houses and other places where anyone smokes.
I am a MIL and I respected my DIL wishes, visiting her and the babies when they were tiny. Holding them when I was asked and watching them when she wanted.
You are handing the most precious person in your life to someone else, no matter who that is, you have the right to decide where, when, and how, things are done.

I agree with Bluebelle on this - it seems that you haven't gone to visit her for the entire four months, and now you want some babysitting but want to lay down the rules.

You say that you find her selfish but I guess that goes both ways. When I had young babies it was my responsibility to take the baby to see my in laws, I didn't expect it to be all their job to do that.

If you need a babysitter you might have to pay someone else , rather than expecting family to suddenly do it with no introduction.

We seem to be attracting American mother in law problems at the moment I am guessing you are American as the Mom seems to indicate you are over the pond
A few questions why hasn’t the mother in law been involved and been over to see the baby in the last four months?
Why have you never visited her you say you don’t know if the house smells of smoke so obviously you haven’t ever been to her house?
If your mother in law hasn’t been to see the baby in 4 months and you ve never been to her house why would you suddenly expected her to do a full day care wouldn’t it be better to have eased her in bit by bit and hour here an hour there before giving your baby over for a full day ?

I may have got this wrong but it sounds very much as if you are stuck for a baby sitter and are using your mother in law otherwise why haven’t you been including her in meeting her granddaughter she probably feels a bit torn wanting to be in contact and looking after her granddaughter but feeling put on for a whole day out of her own home all on your terms don’t get me wrong I don’t think the baby should be taken for a full day out of her environment for the first time but I also think you are using the grandmother and expecting a lot of her for the first time meeting
You have missed the bus in introducing them bit by bit over the last four months and suddenly find yourself in need not fair on either of them or yourself come to that

As oldmeg has said we only have your side of the story.

However, the baby should be looked after in her own home, especially as she doesn’t have a relationship with your MIL and to me that’s the most important issue. If it was me I would want her to spend a lot more time with me and the baby before she babysat for a whole day.

I have other issues as well, presumably the boyfriend is a long term partner ? If you haven’t been to the house to check it out, why not? If it’s because they smoke in the house, then that’s a very good reason not to take your daughter there. But are there other reasons that you stay away from them?
it’s probably true that she brought up 4 children, but I’m sure that, as you are doing, she brought them up as she saw fit, so she should certainly see where you are coming from.

TBH if your MIL wants a relationship with your daughter then she should come to see you in your own home and start from there, the child isn’t a prize that she gets to have because she brought up your OH.

I think you need to speak to him and be honest and then he should go and speak to his mother with both of your concerns.

Families are a minefield, they all seem to expect certain rights, it’s a delicate pathway to negotiate.

Well, we are only hearing one side of this story, but if it as you say then you have my sympathy. The ball is in her court now and you need your husband to back you on this,

His job is to firstly act as a go between but primarily to support you and the new baby.

Families! Who’d have ‘em? ?