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Brother asking for advice

(49 Posts)
Oldwoman70 Sun 29-Apr-18 11:24:00

When my nephew was around 18 he fell in love with a girl who only pretended to share his feelings until she found someone with more money. Over the years she has come back to him several times and each time he has dumped the girl he was with to take up with her, only for her to move on again

He is now married with two children and although they seem to argue a lot seem settled.

The old girlfriend has now contacted my brother as she says her marriage has broken up and she feels my nephew is the only person she can talk to about it. My brother is worried that if he passes on her contact details to my nephew history may repeat itself.

I have said I think he should tell his son this woman wants to make contact and leave it to him to decide whether to get in touch with her or not. I think my nephew (who is now in his 40s) is mature enough to see this woman for what she is. I also feel if my brother hides this from his son and my nephew finds out it could cause an argument.

BlueBelle Sun 29-Apr-18 11:27:56

Difficult and I can see where your brother is coming from but it’s not for him to decide is it ? He needs I think to pass the information on and then remove himself from the problem

MawBroon Sun 29-Apr-18 11:30:01

I think that at 40 (?) the ex girlfriend is old enough to try to make contact herself if she must, and not bring your brother into it.
I think he should keep well out, as apartfrom anything else, he risks his presumably friendly relationship with his DIL (and possibly his DS)
This woman seems to me to be hankering after a past which she possibly remembers through rose tinted glasses.
Time she grew up.

paddyann Sun 29-Apr-18 11:30:29

I would tell her that I dont want to be involved in any way with her.If she wants to speak to him its up to her to contact him but I wouldn't give her the details of how to reach him.
No point in sending trouble his way if he's settled in his marriage .

Bridgeit Sun 29-Apr-18 11:37:29

Well three choices come to mind.1 Tell the ex that he will not be a go between & will not be Party to her suggestion.
2. Ask your nephew if he would want to know if his ex tried to contact him.
3 .probably this one is too late, but tell the ex that you don’t have any contact details for the brother,therefore not in a position to pass on any information.
Good luck, it’s a very awkward position to be in.

Eglantine21 Sun 29-Apr-18 11:38:41

Yup, I think he should just say, Nothing to do with me, love, and it’s up to her where she takes it.

Oldwoman70 Sun 29-Apr-18 11:38:58

I think this woman contacted my brother because my nephew doesn't use social media and has moved several times therefore she can't trace him. My brother certainly wouldn't give her my nephew's contact details.

Oldwoman70 Sun 29-Apr-18 11:41:33

My concern is that if my brother doesn't tell his son and he then finds out it could cause an argument between my brother and his son.

M0nica Sun 29-Apr-18 11:44:39

I am all for Eglantine21's approach, or just delete the mail and then deny ever receiving it. Email does go astray.

The fact that the man in question doesn't use social media is not a good reason for facilitating her contact with him. If she wants to find him that is up to her. This man may be 40, but the pull of an old flame can be irresistable and any age. Look how many marriages Friends Reunited broke up. I often wonder how many of the rematches broke up for much the same reason they broke up first time round.

Jalima1108 Sun 29-Apr-18 12:08:47

I would say the same Nothing to do with me, love, and it’s up to her where she takes it

She could end up stalking him or he could decide to see her 'just the once' and end up putting a lot of strain on his marriage.

MawBroon Sun 29-Apr-18 12:33:03

No need to lie or pretend anything.
Simply say Nothing to do with me and then block her emails if you feel your own privacy has been compromised.
Keep outof this !

FlorenceN Sun 29-Apr-18 12:45:06

Maybe he doesn't use social media so that he can't be contacted. I'd tell her I was heaving no part in this.

Windyweather Sun 29-Apr-18 12:55:04

I think your brother should reply to the ex girlfriend and tell her his son is now happily married and in light of the history between them, it would be totally inappropriate for him to pass on his (son's) contact details, after such a long time.

eazybee Sun 29-Apr-18 13:13:51

This girl hasn't maintained friendly contact during the years, so it seems she only contacts him when she wants something. Best for the father to say firmly he is not in a position to facilitate contact because of her previous behaviour and block all future communication.

Should she find his son, and if she is determined she probably will, then the father should say, if asked,that he deliberately did not pass on details because he did not want to be responsible for damaging his son and daughter in law's marriage in any way.

M0nica Sun 29-Apr-18 13:59:00

No need to explain, that always ends in trouble.

Just say 'nothing to do with me', ring off and block her.

Stansgran Sun 29-Apr-18 14:34:26

I would not pass on details. I would have a severe memory fail. If he doesn't want to go on social media there must be a reason for it i.e. Not to be hassled by old girlfriends. Perhaps your brother could have fun by saying his son had name changed and was having to move to a secret address and couldn't possibly divulge.

glammanana Sun 29-Apr-18 16:07:09

Oldwoman70 Can your brother not freign forgetfulness if his son ever found out this woman is trying to contact him ?
With her past history I would expect her to make life difficult for your nephew.

harrigran Sun 29-Apr-18 19:49:39

This woman could turn into a stalker and ruin your nephew's life, I think it would be wise for your brother to suggest he is not in a position to divulge address etc. She may make of that what she will.

gummybears Mon 30-Apr-18 11:01:51

The nephew is forty, not ninety five. He could figure out how to make himself findable on social media if he wanted to. He chooses not to, in the full knowledge that he has an ex who has repeatedly sought him out to his detriment before.

Let sleeping dogs lie and tell nephew nothing.

Mapleleaf Mon 30-Apr-18 13:44:14

I agree with most of the posters here. Advise your brother to keep out of it and divulge nothing to this ex girlfriend of his sons. She sounds dangerous, and could indeed put strain on his marriage.

Oldwoman70 Mon 30-Apr-18 14:30:41

I spoke with my brother this morning - he went for lunch with my nephew's family yesterday - took him to one side and told him this woman had contacted him.

My nephew apparently went quiet and then said that he didn't want her contact information, he realised she had always just used him and was emphatic that he never wanted to see or hear from her again.

I agree with those of you who think she could have become at the very least a nuisance or at worst a stalker.

Mapleleaf Mon 30-Apr-18 22:20:00

That's a relief, Oldwoman70. Hope it will be the end of the matter for you all.

GabriellaG Tue 01-May-18 09:51:50

I agree with everything paddyann said.

peaches50 Tue 01-May-18 09:56:52

well done brilliant outcome. Hope this ghastly woman has planted a 'brain worm' in your nephew - with luck, commons sense and maturity he will put her back in the box and concentrate on his family. flowers to all especially you for being a good Auntie!

peaches50 Tue 01-May-18 09:57:39

oopps - meant HASN'T!!!!