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(11 Posts)
Cuckoo22 Mon 30-Apr-18 11:42:35

I’m just out of hospital, living alone with no other relatives other than my son who I haven’t seen for a year and a half and have only spoken very briefly to a couple of times( he won’t answer the phone). I don’t get to see my grandchildren. I have tried. (heartbroken)
I have wonderful friends, one tried to call him to say I was in surgery. Voicemail left. Only simple non confrontational words. Played back for me. He sent me a 3 word text so I know at least he has the same number and knew. Do I take it I’m cut off. I’ve written ( carefully) sent birthday and Christmas cards, emailed ( carefully) . I miss them so much. Do I stop trying. Do I give up?

eazybee Mon 30-Apr-18 12:35:56

Is there any way you can get in touch with your daughter-in-law and ask her, as delicately as possible, if it is possible to see her and the grandchildren?
Is this rift the result of a disagreement, or has it been a long-standing separation that has developed over the years?
I would continue trying, as you are doing, in the hope something, or someone , will change; they sometimes do.
I would also change my will in favour of the friends who are helping now.

Luckygirl Mon 30-Apr-18 12:38:08

Do you know what caused this rift?

BlueBelle Mon 30-Apr-18 12:52:18

My question Luckygirl, do you have no clues at all ?

Cherrytree59 Mon 30-Apr-18 18:46:18

Cuckoo sorry to read that you have recently been hospital.
I agree with others who say try and make contact with your D in law.

Friends are a comfort.
I'm glad that you have good friends for support.

Marthajolly1 Tue 01-May-18 00:04:39

Hello cuckoo22. Im so sorry that you are dealing with recuperation on your own. You must be a strong woman coping on your own. I'm just wondering why you have to word everything 'carefully'. Perhaps your family assume you are so good at coping with everything on your own you don't need any kind of support or comfort. Is it time for you to just say it like it Is. 'I need you to be in my life. It's not a weakness. They might like to feel needed. I hope all goes well with you. flowers

Sadnanny59 Sat 26-May-18 09:42:24

Hi , I really need some help . When my eldest son and his wife had their baby (my first grandson) my daughter in law didn’t want me to see him . My son insisted I did see him and their marriage broke up very soon after his birth . Neither my son or me have seen him now for 6 years although he lives locally . I knew that my daughter inlaw didn’t like me or the rest of our side of the family . She was a toxic personality and they never had a happy time from the start . So although it was a shock I sort of got it. My other daughter inlaw , who I had a very good relationship with , helped me through that very difficult time with love and support . Then she became pregnant . We were all thrilled . The baby girl arrived and we were asked to give mum and baby a few days to settle in , which we did happily . I had a few visits in the first month or 2 but found that my daughter inlaw was becoming a bit off with me . I started to be very careful how I was with her as I was blamed for my first sons break up by his wife . Then there was a few weeks when my son asked me to give her space as she was having post natal depression . I did this without question . Another couple of months and my son is talking of all the fun they are having , so I messaged her a few times to arrange a visit . Each reply was more negative , so I asked my son if there was a problem . He said she doesn’t seem to want to see you . I took the chance of just popping round on the off chance to see her and she said I just want be left alone . I was very upset at this, but thinking she could still be depressed I stayed away to give her all the space she needed . That was September 17. Since then I have been invited to visit around every 2 months but my daughter inlaw hardly speaks to me and my granddaughter hasn’t got to know me so is very wary . In fact although she smiles at me she won’t come anywhere near me . My son tries to encourage her but no success . My daughter in law has not contacted me once since September . I know my son has difficulty getting visits for me . There’s been no argument or anything to cause this and her relationship with her family and friends is going strong . I’m finding this very hard to cope with and am on the verge of breakdown . I just don’t know how to cope with it as I’ve done nothing wrong in either cases . Please any advise is desperately needed

Namsnanny Sun 27-May-18 01:28:38

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult situation. I hope you are recovering from your stay in hospital?
From your description its impossible to say why your son is acting this way.
He seems to have taken a very firm stand over something.
I would hope for your sake he would eventually have the courage to tell you what it is that is bothering him, but unfortunately that doesn't always happen.
Should you put pressure on yourself over whether or not to contact him just now?
If you don't challenge him in anyway whilst you're recuperating, you may cope better when your stronger.

I wonder if you would get more support by posting on the relationship section of gransnet? There is a thread for those of us who are going through this type of difficulty.
Sincerely wishing you well [flowers}

Namsnanny Sun 27-May-18 02:04:21


How very stressful for you. You are not alone, there are many of us here with similar stories, I'm sorry to say.

I've noticed you haven't had anyone posting a reply......I think you will get more advice and support from the relationship section on the thread for estranged parents of adult children and grandchildren.
Everyone there has some degree of understanding what you are going through and would be only too willing to offer you empathy, and support.
Please don't think because its been a day without an answer that people aren't keen to help....they are!

All I can offer is my experience of a similar feeling of being blamed and not knowing what for, and worrying trying to find out what the problem was until my head was spinning! Your not having a breakdown, your life has been turned on its head.
I hope you will find posting very helpful.
I still cry most days and still feel like I'm in a snow globe someone shook that hasn't settled yet, but reading other peoples stories does help.

Sincerely wishing you all the best flowers

Minty Sun 27-May-18 08:05:57

Please remember that there are support groups for you all over the UK.

silverlining48 Sun 27-May-18 09:10:19

Cuckoo and sad nanny, I send you both my good wishes and hopes that your difficulties will be resolved.
Have a look and maybe use the relationship page where you will get support from others who are in similar sad situations.