Meeting grandchild while dil is estranged

'I need advice because with the amount of hurt I have I struggle to have empathy'

Smile and nod.
I pulled back from my relationship with my MIL too due to the hurt she had caused. I felt so much anxiety and anger towards her so felt it was best to remove myself from the situation.
I let my DH take the lead and organise things. I was still polite and civil but couldn't find it in me to forgive and forget. Once trust is broken it's hard to put back together.

Smile and nod. Works wonders.

Whoever said relationships change and mellow was right.
You must stay around when she visits and keep the lines of communication open. Otherwise you'll be miserable. Your DH will be torn.
You may be able to forgive this stupid woman in time!
My DM loathed her Mil but she was my gran and I had my own feelings for her. If DM wanted to hurt me when I was growing up, she would tell me I was exactly like my gran!! Ha ha it didn't bother me because I liked my gran.
I hope it works out well for you. Congratulations on your baby who only needs you right now but some day soon, he will enjoy being with his GPs.

You sound as if you want to try your best in a very difficult situation. Follow the advice of all those who have said that being nice is the way forward. Smile and welcome her and stay in the room! The more you do it the easier it will get - even if your jaw aches from gritting your teeth and your tongue is in shreds from biting it! Breathe a big sigh of relief when MiL goes and have a cuddle with husband and baby. And pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing. Who knows, maybe things will mellow in time but even if they don’t you’ll always have the satisfaction of knowing that you are the bigger person. Good luck!

Congratulations on your new baby. I too think it is very kind and considerate of you to want your MIL to be able to see her GC.

Try if you can to be present when she sees your son for the first time, such a little baby needs his mother around. No one really knows what sort of things make lasting impressions on infants, but Mummy disappearing when Granny turns up for the very first time, might just not be so good an idea!

There is nothing wrong with having a formal relationship with your MIL - that way it stays polite, I agree with you your DH probably does not really realize why his mother's former behaviour has hurt you, and trying to make him see it from your point of view is perhaps not the best way to treat the matter.

Fortunately, your MIL isn't living permanently next door, so try if you can use some of the very helpful advice already given and establish a new kind of relationship with your MIL now that you are a mother and she is a grandmother.

Yummy sushi - good to know that there are sensible daughter-in-laws out there who actually put the well-being of their children first and nurture that special relationship for their children, with their grandparents. Well done you and Best Wishes.

Hi everyone ,

So I went to meet her today.. I tried to be pleasant and put it all behind me.. I wrote myself a journal of intentions and every time I meet her i put a pure intention about how my aim is to make this comfortable for her so my son can have a good relationship with his gran and that even though she is a weird mil but might be a great gran and so I shouldn’t let one relationship ruin the other..

I would like to let u all know that I feel I did amazingly well.. I even left the child with her for ten minutes and went away... I was very inviting... when she was awkward I was very ready to help her feel at ease... even invited her to the nappy change to feel involved and asked her about cooking and kids...

But that’s not a shocker to me because that’s how I always was and am....

But now I’m back home kicking myself and remembering all the things I chose to ignore and rise above ...

For example—- as soon as my husband looked away she came to me rubbed my stomach and said “is there another baby in there?”. She seemed particularly curious about my stomach and I felt she was putting me down.

I was shocked because that’s an insensitive thing to say when u want to build bridges..she also came and took me to the side and started advising me about how I should think about the next child now ... how she worried my uterus will forget how to get pregnant (referring to my miscarriage).

I feel she is complicated... I feel thtreatened again.

Let me just explain that the reaction mil had to my miscarriage was not open for interpretation. She was outright slandering me and my family to my husband, trying to convince him that my miscarriage was caused by out faulty genes /bad hygiene- and that She wishes he never married me.

She knows I found out. I didn’t confront her. Maybe I bloody should but truth is, it’s a canof worms that won’t lead to any good because o don’t have my husbands full support he is confused

Oh my goodness, glad it went okay, she sounds cruel. Regarding weight, my MIL has asked if I've lost weight and when I'm planning to every time we see them which is once a week, son is 3 months old and my FIL has once said it was good I'd made a start on weightloss! I'm a size 12 at 3 months and used to be a size 10 and they'll act as though I've let myself go!!! Think PIL feel awkward so just say stupid things! Have said to husband if they say it once more he has to tell them off as I do go home and cry!

Yummy sounds like you have an idiot for a MIL. You might need to say to her when she comes out with such trite to not be so silly.

My MIL was hard work sometimes, exH told me to watch out for her as she was spiteful. I must say I learnt a lot from her and made sure when I had a DIL I treated her like a DD from the very beginning. I am happy to say DIL and I have a great relationship. I feel very lucky to have such a lovely DIL and am very grateful my DS is very happily married.

DD1 puts up with a lot from her FIL who hadn’t spoken to her for 20 years until my SIL recently told him off. I have to admit I wouldn’t have welcomed him into my home the way DD has. I think he thought no one but DD would notice. DD was at the back of the queue when they were handing out FILs, she got a dud. ?

Febmumma DD2’s FIL who is usually very nice said to DD when her last baby was 3 months old that she had a bit of a stomach. I was with her at the time and she said “she had just had a baby, what was his excuse?” Silly man. ?

Have we been taken over by Mumsnet?
I am speechless at the judgemental attitudes articulated here, and happy to say I do not recognise this sort of MIL in any of my friends and family.

I wonder Yummy how your DH would feel if your mum said those sorts of things to him whenever he visited.

I doubt he’d be so “confused”

Those comments about your loss were outrageous whoever they came from, mums don’t get a free pass to be as awful as they want without anyone pointing it out!!

Thanks everyone for ur replies. It means a lot as it’s difficultfor me to keep the air tense and bring this up with husband over and over. He has been great reassuring me that he loves me and so on.

Muffin, my husband won’t know how it feels like because he doesn’t have an expanding uterus. And I can’t say as me and him are quite different in some ways.

But yes both me and him know if someone said that to her or about her/ she would be extremely going crazy. He is completely on my side.

It’s just he is confused how to go about it because his mum has helped him in many ways and he doesn’t want to create distance between them. He has been extremely hurt by his family and I feel he wants to give things a chance again

This is so simple. You are overthinking it. No one is asking you to hand over your baby. Most visitors will come round for a coffee and maybe hold the baby for a few minutes. This is all you are required to do. She lives abroad. It wont be a problem . For the sake of babys dad. Invite her to visit when he is there. Paint on a smile and keep the visit short. You will feel better for doing the right thing. You dont even need to have a relationship with her. Just allow her to meet her grandchild. After that rake it any way you want but dont fall in to the nc rubbish you see advised over on mn. Your partner deserves better even if your mil is undeserving. Be the bigger person

Her remarks about your miscarriage just show ignorance. You have oroved it all wring by having a baby, no need to rush intohaving anothe4 one.

Is it possible that your MIL feels inferior in your presence because you are better educated? If so it could lead her to be awkward and not relaxed around you. Just relax, you may never be close but you have shown that you can manage in her company for short visits. Don’t spoil it by thinking you have been too nice or by raking up the past. Why allow yourself to be bothered by her remarks about your tummy etc? That’s just the way she thinks, no one says you have to agree with her. Smile and ignore it. Try not to judge her - as they say, you have to walk a mile in someone’s shoes to understand them.

Yummy I posted as below on another thread (...I hope that my description of how I dealt with my MIL and created a tolerable relationship might help a little bit for you in working out your own approaches ......I also suffered comments about another baby and weight etc ...I just refused to rise to the bait, just said that my husband and I would decide together about another baby; on weight I asked "What d you suggest I do about it?" ...listened, smiled, nodded etc etc and did as I saw fit. When she said it again, I said "Oh yes, you have told me your ideas, thanks for that!"...)
My MIL was a somewhat difficult and demanding personality with a tendency to find any way she could to ensure attention was always on her. However she was my husbands mother, adored by my FIL (who was very different!) and I worked incredibly hard to develop a relationship with her over time. It took a lot of slog, some tolerance of foibles and a refusal to allow unpleasant barbs etc to get to me or cause problems. The one area where I would not compromise was in relation to our children but I was careful to deal with any issues directly but kindly, always finding a way to acknowledge her role as a Grandmother , whilst making it clear if something was inappropriate. I used "broken record" if she ignored me the first time, just repeating what was not acceptable endlessly but gently and kindly and always repeating her important role as a Granny etc etc. All this did work and we developed a tolerable relationship. I would take small gifts and flowers when we visited and laugh when I got them back wrapped up for my next birthday!! I listened for things she liked and made sure those were bought for her birthday or Christmas. So, I was no walk over (far from it) but I was determined not to allow her to cause problems between me and my husband; he did stand with me over the children which helped. He knew that I would always stand up for myself in my own way and I never expected him to speak to his mother on my behalf.
I am not suggesting this was easy nor that I was perfect in handling it (far from it!) ...but it certainly makes me think when reading some threads on here ...and also in relation to the work I do to try and develop/maintain a relationship with my own DIL - almost reverse history repeating itself I think! And yes I am aware that I am the common factor in both relationships before anyone points that out to me and maybe suggests that I should consider that! I have...endlessly!

Op the next time your MIL says something like that respond with

"MiL, did you mean to be so rude?"

And has it worked Newmom 101 I am afraid you do not have a harridan of a Health visitor on your doorstep every week for the first few months unlike we oldies had.

Yummysushi, Sounds to be a very unkind MIL. Leave her to DH, he can take care to her relationship with his child. There is no positives to getting tense with hurt feelings an unkind person.