no-chat partner

We are the same Monica, plenty to chat about on all sorts of topics. Love it.

We have just got home from a weekend away and have been sitting in companiable silence catching up with the world on our phones. We always have something to chat about but having chatted non stop since Friday with our friends it's nice to be quiet. The best thing for me is that the TV hasn't been switched on. He seems to need that on as background noise. Now that really annoys me.

Neither of us speaks much. I used to share things with him but after being ignored or getting no reaction I stopped. Now I only speak if I have to and know exactly what he is going to say at certain times of the day. Eg at 10oclock do you want a cup of tea. 10.30 pm I think I’ll go up to my bed.
It’s quite sad for both of us I think. I have friends to talk to. He plays golf but I have no idea if he is chatty or not.

I've been married for 38 years, and never really noticed the fact that my husband is not bothered about talking much.... we used to go out, see friends, then we had our 2 sons, so everything revolved around them.

Now, he's 60, I'm 59, and as great as he is, he bores me to death. He can (and does) sit and watch old programmes on tv, for hours at a time. I too feel lonely at times, but we meet a group of his mates and their wives every Saturday evening, and I have friends I can meet with for Zumba 3 evenings, then the rest of the time he's in one room, I'm in another. He works full-time, I work part-time, so I see a lot of other people in work.

My wife speaks enough for both of us.
I am a good listener, or at least crack on to be.

Many years ago I got so fed up of listening to my own voice ,trying to make conversation with my husband that in the end I stopped talking to him and he did'nt even notice. If I asked him something there would be a reply ,usually a yes or no or why do you want know.Eventually the rot set in and we stopped communicating at all. Sad to say when he passed away I hardly missed him at all. How sad is that?

We don't talk much but it's not a silence! I'm on my laptop and she's on her tablet but comments do get passed. Much like Victor and Margaret Meldrew. We also have our Jean Warboyes, a friend of over 40 years who is recently widowed. DW understands that I am not a demonstrative person and accepts it but she knows I'll have her best interests at heart. We're all different so have to manage in a way that suits us.

I'm wondering if we grow quieter and more contemplative as we get older. I always thought of myself as a gregarious person, loved to chat, always worked in jobs which had a lot of contact with customers, clients, students. I've lived alone for a long time now and can happily spend days immersed in my hobbies talking to no one at all. I do still enjoy a interesting conversation but increasingly find mundane chit chat boring. I guess it must be harder to be living with someone and find the conversation has run dry.

Life is short , every moment is precious. Appreciate what you have. Neither of you are perfect. Many of your friends, alone and lonely, would give anything to have their partners back for fifteen minutes. I am terrified that my wonderful husband will die and I know he feels that way about me too.
We are both (touch wood) healthy , happy and grateful for what we have, however humble, and so afraid of something beyond our control bringing it to an end. Don't waste a second with regrets, we are where we are, let us be satisfied.

You are so right kwest.
At 60, I've been on my own for twenty years now. My husband died young, suddenly and unexpectedly. Sometimes, when I hear other and older people grumbling about their partners I think, well at least you have yours. He or she got 20, 30, 40 years or more longer in this world than mine did.
I'm not seeking to underestimate the unhappiness some people can feel in enduring but difficult relationships but I do find myself biting my tongue when I hear friends moaning because their husband didn't take the bin out, left the loo seat up or some other petty grievance. I would give anything to have my lovely husband back for fifteen minutes.

I too live in a mostly silent house . Occasionally start a conversation but as other half is selectively deaf too, it gets
difficult.
He “entertains” me by muttering to himself and often repeating old song lyrics.
Luckily I can get away for walks with the dog and fun things I do with my friends and family.
Guess it could be worse. ??

Very quiet in our house too, I guess he hasn’t much to say to me after 40yrs! If he was always so quiet I wouldn’t mind so much but on the phone or in person with his bowls or allotment pals, or to neighbours he can chat for England!

Menopaws
That is part of my problem too! - the way he changes. He can be overly chatty to the point of exhaustion and then back to silence except when he has to speak. It so undermines my confidence and makes it harder to chat to my friends because I am losing the art of conversation. And I wonder why he treats me like this. Is there sonething wrong with me - Even though I know it's his problem, not mine. I find myself feeling guilty for complaining but also resentful. Thankfully I have interests and friends and I feel I must spend more time with them. I do wish it was different but generally conversations are just monologues. My husband often just listens but has no desire to contribute. Its like living with two different people sometimes and yes very up and down. I'm glad I started the thread because listening to other views is really good and helpful. Wishing you well. It's very difficult with your husband being so ill too.

Stevej4491
it's very sad. thank you for being so honest. Sadly life isn't always what we would like it to be and we have to make the best of it. It's really helpful to read everyone's posts. thanks.

LiltingLyrics
Only 6 months in my case, but I find myself thinking that nobody is perfect and while I have every sympathy for posters whose partners have changed for any reason- illness or early dementia among them, nevertheless it is something which gives me pause for thought.

Goodness I didn't expect to get any answers to what was quite a moan. Thanks everyone for posting. Many people have said how they wish their partners were still here which makes me think how important it is to make the most of things and be grateful. Also good to hear of others in similar situations and realise I am not alone. It's so important that little phrase "I am not alone". Some said have you told him. I have told him so many times how I feel. Sometimes he says you didn't ask a question so I didn't answer or..I have nothing to say. or what did you want me to answer . I have explained how lonely it is , how it's affecting my self esteem how stressful it is. He just becomes stubborn and talks less. Then suddenly he is jolly laughing joking and I wonder how long it will last. My family think he's great because he is never like that with them. I think we will grow more apart.... He is lovely at other times. sad. But I will keep trying. It is stressful though. thanks everyone.

Kwest I get what you are saying.

Annep, yes before he was ill at least I knew and fully accepted his quiet bits as that was just him and I have plenty of friends and have never been joined at the hip with our interests. With the treatments I at least have a pattern and can avoid the bad days which makes it easier (for instance two evenings with girlfriends and a lunch this week!) and I don't feel bad because he sleeps as soon as back from work and as we work together I have seen him all day and can monitor if he needs me or not.
It was just last week when we went to a funeral, a happy one if you get what I mean and I thought we would have a nice drive into the country, show our faces which was all we were going to do anyway, go out for dinner. Not a chance, not a bloody word spoken on way back and only my voice on way there. I knew this was the bad day but because I was forced to spend day together I hadn't realised how bad it was. He wasn't grumpy as such just no effort to talk at all and like you I wondered what I had done wrong then when I took myself upstairs without a word I was told I was the one who shunned him!! Wouldn't change him for a million pounds but give me strength!

By the way the next day we were chatting at work like a couple of women and I remember thinking that I was not actually concentrating on what he was saying, just looking at him thinking where's all that noise coming from! I love the sound of his voice and whenever we are not together he calls or texts me several times and in the evenings he's jokey and smacks me on the bum when I'm filling dishwasher etc so when he goes silent it just feels so weird and confusing. I'm trying to get used to it and I'm sure I will but thanks for thread, you have inadvertently helped me a lot (so has someone else!)

I’m well known for my powers of concentration. This may mean that I don’t chat either.

Strangely, I’m never asked by my wife what I’m thinking about so I think she’s not interested.

This highlights the importance of showing an interest in each other.

I am never comfortable when those who are alone start saying 'How lucky you are' when those with partners have difficulties. There are, as we well know, many spouses who for a variety of reasons could well turn to those alone and say 'How lucky you are'.

Let us accept that both situations have their downs and their ups and I, for one, feel very sorry for those who most people would assume have a companionable life with a partner to talk to, who actually live lives nearly as solitary as those who live alone. Sometimes the cause is ill health or declining mental health, sometimes just the nature of the beast. I think I would prefer to be completely alone than alone with a silent partner.

Mines not much of a chatter either, sometimes find myself talking to the self serve checkout in the supermarket

Ahem M0nica who is saying “How lucky you are” ?
Perhaps that they would put up with a lot to have their partner with them again, but not I think belittling the issue.
Of course the trivial moans about loo seats and putting the bins out, but that’s not what you were saying is it?

I am not belittling the issue, I am well aware how lonely being single can be, but saying it in the situation being discusses gets you nowhere and many deeply unhappy in a relationship - and that is not to be belittled either, would think someone single had all the good luck.

Yes, moans about loo seats and bins may sound trivial, but often they are the last straws in relationships whose problems run far deeper.

I have a happy and companionable relationship and can laugh at problems like drawers never shut, doors always open. If it was a troubled relationship, these could be everyday irritations that cause me deep distress.

Menopaws you described your day so well. I smiled when I read "give me strength" I very often say that. This thread had helped me too. Reading your posts and others has actually had an influence on how I reacted today. I coped so much better. It's good to share.?