Please help with this

You have to let this go, even more so if you think you may have caused the latest outburst. Perhaps your DIL grew up with people shouting around her and obviously doesn't think its odd or she wouldn't have had a row with your son about it. Interesting they don't mind having a row in front of you. Its very hard but your GD doesn't sound as if she was bothered much by it all and your son apparently hadn't noticed.

My DIL is quite harsh with my grandchildren
Re-reading this, it struck me that how you worded this is quite significant, Serkeen

I would probably have worded it differently as they are, presumably, your DIL'S children even though they are your grandchildren
iyswim

"My DIL is quite harsh with the children" - can you see the difference?

Best to keep your own counsel and stay out of it. Even a look at the wrong moment can possibly be misunderstood.
I’ve cultivated a far away, not paying attention, attitude when GC are being disciplined. Wander off and make a pot of tea, or get involved in looking at something with the other GC who isn’t being told off. Like so many aspects of family life it’s a balancing act ...

I’m not sure how to resolve this, but never interfere with their methods, unless of course it’s becoming abuse.

If you ve said anything out of turn then you can’t change it and apologising will only make things worse as it’s already done and dusted Just tell yourself you won’t interfere in future
Perhaps you are a very sensitive person or perhaps your grand daughter is a little bit naughty unless the children are hit or cowering (and as the child carried on she didn’t sound frightened of her mum) just let it go

May be you have said too much already and even an apology would make matters worse.

Step back and leave your S & DIL to sort things out.

Also when you say "harsh" may be you need to define what "harsh" is in your view. You say it's not physical so that's one less thing for you to to be concerned about.

If it's about volume and tone of voice, children do get used to parents use of voice and somehow know when and how to tune out/disregard what's been said. It may sound "harsh" to some people but a child can normalised it.

If "harsh" takes the form of belittling or shaming your GC then you have to trust your S to get involved which he seems willing to do.

We as GP's don't always see is how many times the GC has been asked/told to, do/stop, whatever it is. So unless you are present in your S's family 24/7 you get a snap shot of their life, therefore , your information will be somewhat unbalanced.

Also what sounds "harsh" you may be heard by others as a parent just being assertive, authoritative, frustrated, exacerbated, worn out, sick of saying the same old thing AGAIN.

Your understanding of the your DIL's "harsh" could have other interpretations/ misinterpretations and it really is for your S, DIL and their children to find a way through their family life.

It's taken me so long to type this I'm sure others have said much the same as I have so apologies for any repetition.

Or don't you trust your Son to take care of/ stand up for His children? If you DO trust him, let him get on with taking care of them.

Yes, best to take a step back and leave the disciplining - and the whole way they bring up their children - to them.

It sounds to me as if you are much too involved with your Son and DIL’s lives and need to withdraw a bit.
You must have plenty going on in your own life without fretting about whether they are arguing or not and without aggravating the situation.
They are adults with their own household and like most couples will have their fallings out. Grandma needs to butt out and let them get on with it.
I would have been mortified if my M or MIL had passed comment on how I spoke to our children and we as parents have to do the same.
Let things cool down, if you persevere with “trying to put things right” I fear you may only make it worse.
Like Anniebach I too think you have expressed concerns about your relationship with your DIL before now, perhaps this should be a warning sign?

I agree with MawBroon.

Don't fret about it now just move on and be as supportive as you can to both of them.

Serkeen, I recall you posted about your daughter in law quite some time ago. May I ask do you disagree often?

A telling off often looks much more serious from the outside and I wonder what you mean by “harsh”.
Is she strict? Is she consistent? Does your son back her up? Does she insist that the children do as they are told?
Surely that is a good upbringing for a child.
You must leave them to bring up their children as they see fit without interference from grandma unless physical abuse is the issue.
Take a very big step back and resist the temptation to interfere.

its true there are some children that you have to shout st to get them to do as you want. Some are very confident and even cheeky and can take a lot of scolding and it doesn't upset them at all.
One of myGds just broke away from my hand and ran into the street just as we were waiting to cross the road in front of Kindergarten where a van was slowing down.
Well I shouted at her, I was so scared. But a man- a father
probably, frowned at her and told her off and she became very quiet and shame faced.

Probably Mum's shouting doesn't bother her as much as it bothers you Serkeen. Try not to worry.

All you can say is 'sorry I said whatever you said, I was wrong to interfere and it is up to you how you discipline your DC'.

Perhaps that is the way she was disciplined, perhaps her bark is worse than her bite and she is a loving mum but can't stand bad behaviour. That's unusual these days as so many children get away with atrocious behaviour!

Perhaps she shouts so much that it goes in one ear and out t'other with the children.

Well if it was because of something you said, it sounds as though it’s too late! Can’t put the Genie back in the bottle.

Best to keep out of ACs and their partners lives.

But feel so bad do not want them to fight because of something I said

I think that you have said your piece and now you should leave it to them to sort out, maybe your mentioning it to your DS made him realise that you were right.

I wouldn’t add to it.

Apologies typo meant to say she is like a seargent major

Ps thank you for you prompt reply/post appreciate it

She never hits them but she is like a sears ant major there is not a lot of love just lots of telling off but that said I am now terribly concerned that I have caused an argument and just want to know how to make things better now and what to say to my son for him not to be arguing with DIL

It depends what you mean by harsh Serkeen

Do you mean that she chastises the child very loudly (ie shouts) or that she hits the child?

Obviously, whatever Mum said, it had no effect as the child did not take his/her feet off the sofa.

If she hits the children then it could be a cause for concern but otherwise I would say nothing.