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Please help with this

(46 Posts)
Serkeen Sun 24-Jun-18 20:34:54

My DIL is quite harsh with my grandchildren and at first I thought more towards one than the other ..

So I mentioned to my son because I was worried for the children

My son denied it and said she was not harsh and that he would not allow her to be harsh

Today I visited them and the little one had her feet on the sette and my DIL was very very harsh when telling her to remove her feet off of the settee and my son got involved at first saying why are you not listening To Mummy then DIL continued being harsh even though my son was dealing with it

This caused them to argue between themselves with my DIL saying to my son stop interfering when I am telling her something and do not get involved, my son is a very loving caring and hands on kind of a Father and did not take kindly to that comment and so it continued and she said that he had been doing much the same all week ..which was around he time I said what I said.

Now I am feeling bad and that I may have made a mistake but I am truly concerned for my grandchild because DIL is really Unnecessarly harsh true way in that she reprimands he children.

The help I need now is How do I make this better now what can I say to my son, I do not want them arguing because of something that I have said that has obviously played on my sons mind

Jalima1108 Sun 24-Jun-18 20:38:33

It depends what you mean by harsh Serkeen

Do you mean that she chastises the child very loudly (ie shouts) or that she hits the child?

Obviously, whatever Mum said, it had no effect as the child did not take his/her feet off the sofa.

If she hits the children then it could be a cause for concern but otherwise I would say nothing.

Serkeen Sun 24-Jun-18 20:42:27

She never hits them but she is like a sears ant major there is not a lot of love just lots of telling off but that said I am now terribly concerned that I have caused an argument and just want to know how to make things better now and what to say to my son for him not to be arguing with DIL

Serkeen Sun 24-Jun-18 20:43:22

Ps thank you for you prompt reply/post appreciate it

Serkeen Sun 24-Jun-18 20:44:33

Apologies typo meant to say she is like a seargent major

Oopsadaisy53 Sun 24-Jun-18 20:49:52

I think that you have said your piece and now you should leave it to them to sort out, maybe your mentioning it to your DS made him realise that you were right.

I wouldn’t add to it.

Serkeen Sun 24-Jun-18 20:58:57

But feel so bad do not want them to fight because of something I said sad

Oopsadaisy53 Sun 24-Jun-18 21:01:40

Well if it was because of something you said, it sounds as though it’s too late! Can’t put the Genie back in the bottle.

Best to keep out of ACs and their partners lives.

Jalima1108 Sun 24-Jun-18 21:02:55

All you can say is 'sorry I said whatever you said, I was wrong to interfere and it is up to you how you discipline your DC'.

Perhaps that is the way she was disciplined, perhaps her bark is worse than her bite and she is a loving mum but can't stand bad behaviour. That's unusual these days as so many children get away with atrocious behaviour!

Perhaps she shouts so much that it goes in one ear and out t'other with the children.

MargaretX Sun 24-Jun-18 21:18:13

its true there are some children that you have to shout st to get them to do as you want. Some are very confident and even cheeky and can take a lot of scolding and it doesn't upset them at all.
One of myGds just broke away from my hand and ran into the street just as we were waiting to cross the road in front of Kindergarten where a van was slowing down.
Well I shouted at her, I was so scared. But a man- a father
probably, frowned at her and told her off and she became very quiet and shame faced.

Probably Mum's shouting doesn't bother her as much as it bothers you Serkeen. Try not to worry.

MawBroon Sun 24-Jun-18 21:27:40

A telling off often looks much more serious from the outside and I wonder what you mean by “harsh”.
Is she strict? Is she consistent? Does your son back her up? Does she insist that the children do as they are told?
Surely that is a good upbringing for a child.
You must leave them to bring up their children as they see fit without interference from grandma unless physical abuse is the issue.
Take a very big step back and resist the temptation to interfere.

Anniebach Sun 24-Jun-18 21:36:49

Serkeen, I recall you posted about your daughter in law quite some time ago. May I ask do you disagree often?

sodapop Sun 24-Jun-18 21:43:37

I agree with MawBroon.

Don't fret about it now just move on and be as supportive as you can to both of them.

MawBroon Sun 24-Jun-18 22:22:21

It sounds to me as if you are much too involved with your Son and DIL’s lives and need to withdraw a bit.
You must have plenty going on in your own life without fretting about whether they are arguing or not and without aggravating the situation.
They are adults with their own household and like most couples will have their fallings out. Grandma needs to butt out and let them get on with it.
I would have been mortified if my M or MIL had passed comment on how I spoke to our children and we as parents have to do the same.
Let things cool down, if you persevere with “trying to put things right” I fear you may only make it worse.
Like Anniebach I too think you have expressed concerns about your relationship with your DIL before now, perhaps this should be a warning sign?

Jalima1108 Sun 24-Jun-18 22:31:02

Yes, best to take a step back and leave the disciplining - and the whole way they bring up their children - to them.

allsortsofbags Sun 24-Jun-18 23:37:23

May be you have said too much already and even an apology would make matters worse.

Step back and leave your S & DIL to sort things out.

Also when you say "harsh" may be you need to define what "harsh" is in your view. You say it's not physical so that's one less thing for you to to be concerned about.

If it's about volume and tone of voice, children do get used to parents use of voice and somehow know when and how to tune out/disregard what's been said. It may sound "harsh" to some people but a child can normalised it.

If "harsh" takes the form of belittling or shaming your GC then you have to trust your S to get involved which he seems willing to do.

We as GP's don't always see is how many times the GC has been asked/told to, do/stop, whatever it is. So unless you are present in your S's family 24/7 you get a snap shot of their life, therefore , your information will be somewhat unbalanced.

Also what sounds "harsh" you may be heard by others as a parent just being assertive, authoritative, frustrated, exacerbated, worn out, sick of saying the same old thing AGAIN.

Your understanding of the your DIL's "harsh" could have other interpretations/ misinterpretations and it really is for your S, DIL and their children to find a way through their family life.

It's taken me so long to type this I'm sure others have said much the same as I have so apologies for any repetition.

Or don't you trust your Son to take care of/ stand up for His children? If you DO trust him, let him get on with taking care of them.

BlueBelle Mon 25-Jun-18 07:03:38

If you ve said anything out of turn then you can’t change it and apologising will only make things worse as it’s already done and dusted Just tell yourself you won’t interfere in future
Perhaps you are a very sensitive person or perhaps your grand daughter is a little bit naughty unless the children are hit or cowering (and as the child carried on she didn’t sound frightened of her mum) just let it go

Marianne1953 Mon 25-Jun-18 10:20:59

I’m not sure how to resolve this, but never interfere with their methods, unless of course it’s becoming abuse.

Elrel Mon 25-Jun-18 10:29:07

Best to keep your own counsel and stay out of it. Even a look at the wrong moment can possibly be misunderstood.
I’ve cultivated a far away, not paying attention, attitude when GC are being disciplined. Wander off and make a pot of tea, or get involved in looking at something with the other GC who isn’t being told off. Like so many aspects of family life it’s a balancing act ...

Jalima1108 Mon 25-Jun-18 10:34:51

My DIL is quite harsh with my grandchildren
Re-reading this, it struck me that how you worded this is quite significant, Serkeen

I would probably have worded it differently as they are, presumably, your DIL'S children even though they are your grandchildren

"My DIL is quite harsh with the children" - can you see the difference?

luluaugust Mon 25-Jun-18 10:47:57

You have to let this go, even more so if you think you may have caused the latest outburst. Perhaps your DIL grew up with people shouting around her and obviously doesn't think its odd or she wouldn't have had a row with your son about it. Interesting they don't mind having a row in front of you. Its very hard but your GD doesn't sound as if she was bothered much by it all and your son apparently hadn't noticed.

mabon1 Mon 25-Jun-18 11:08:01

Keep out of it unless she is abusive. |You will lose your son and the rest of the family if you interfere.

quizqueen Mon 25-Jun-18 11:16:18

It sounds like there is very poor discipline in your grandchildren's household all round with mum constantly shouting at the kids and them taking no notice and the parents arguing with each other about this inconsistency in front of the kids! They both need to go on a parenting course to learn how to speak to their children and each other calmly and civilly with the expectation that the children respond to requests first time with consequences if they don't e.g. no tv etc.

I've seen so many families operate in this chaotic way including my own relatives and it often promotes an unhappy lifestyle. The difference in the behaviour of my family and theirs was quite stark but, when offered professional help, they claimed they did not need it!People often seem to have no idea how to raise a family without continually shouting and children have no expectation to behave well, help around the home and so on. It's a very sad fact of life.

lollee Mon 25-Jun-18 11:24:31

Everyone is far too soft with kids these days and I am all for a little stern reproach until they no longer do the thing they shouldn't be doing. As long as love and care is also shown so the child does not feel picked on or unloved, all should be well. It is probably worse watching her parents arguing.

Violetfloss Mon 25-Jun-18 11:40:00

She can't win either way can she?
If she didn't discipline her children, she's raising a brat.
If she disciplines her children, it's too 'harsh'.

If your DIL was already telling her child off then Dad swoops in and takes over, that's undermining her. No wonder she doesn't listen to her mom if Dad keeps swooping in and taking over. Sounds like DIL was annoyed with her husband. Which is normal really.

'my son is a very loving caring and hands on kind of a Father and did not take kindly to that comment and so it continued'

And your DIL I imagine is also a loving, caring hands on mother. Not sure why you had to build him like that? He also continued the argument in front of his daughter so they are as bad as each other.

I'd just back off a bit and maybe don't be so critical of your DIL and portray your son as perfect. That's the impression I get from your post.