Adopted Grandchild

Coco51 - my grannie always said don't worry about the unplanned baby , babies bring their own love with them so there is always plenty to go round. The same is true of modern families, which may have adopted or 'step' children who are the centre of their extended families.
Moira, do hope you have contact with your step granddaughter at some point x

Thanks Chaos and Bluegal - I'm sure you are right. It's just a bit strange when people ask me if I'm loving being a grandma?

It took a while with my kids so I guess I'm just a slow burner ...

My son married a woman who had a little girl of two, he had a little boy of 2 (our now 12 year old gs who now lives with us). We had to have her for the weekend if we wanted him and we very quickly grew to love her. My son and his wife split up and we are no longer allowed to see our step gd but I still love her and hope she’ll come and find me one day. Just relax and go with it, I’m sure you’ll fall in love with him, especially when your daughter does - they are just innocent babies after all and when he says I love you nanny, I guarantee you will just melt. X

I have suddenly become a grandmother to 4 additional grandchildren to DS’s three sons in his new relationship. DS is happier than I have seen in years and so I welcome the enlarged family - love never runs out.

Fenton95: what exactly is a “normal” bond? Don’t fret, don’t ponder it. Just be you and see where it takes you. I admire your honesty tbh.

My friends have adopted a boy and the grandparents adore him. Don’t worry about it. Children have a habit of winning you over

Fenton, dont feel too badly or worry too much (if you are! you sound fairly confident)
We are a fairly close knit bunch, so I know that DDs lovely MIL did not feel a bond with GS1, although weirdly felt an instant connection to GS2 when he was born. We've discussed it a few times....wondering if it was genes calling to genes (GS2 is the image of daddy, GS1 much more like my side), or if rooted in the fact that she did not feel quite ready to be a granny, first time around.
No conclusions! but did want to reassure you that, a few years on, she feels exactly the same about them both.

Well, it was a very slow burn with my grandchild.
I thought they were cute and clever and so on, but I never had an overriding urge to see them a lot.
They did grow on me, particularly in the last 5 years or so. (The oldest is 16!)
I really love them now!

At the risk of receiving an unpleasant response from Mabon1 I actually am struggling with bonding with my new GS. Sounds to me Lindyloo like you are preparing the ground nicely for a great relationship and I am sure it will grow just as PPs have said.

I am trying to do the same for my DGS.

And No it's not about me although I would dearly love to have a good relationship with him, it's the damage it may do to him - and my DS and DIL - that I worry about if they pick up the fact that I don't - yet - feel that normal bond.

I was never a maternal type but love my 2 DSs dearly and they know it! My DGS is just 5 months and he is lovely but all the other Granmas seem to have this instant connection and I am very jealous of that!

Just working on spending time with him, in the hope it will develop.

I understand your concerns Lyndiloo, perfectly natural. Whilst you know, of course that your new grandson is not 'flesh and blood', he is just tiny...and to him you will always be his real grandma/nanny/nana...whatever you are called by your other grandchild. He will have no idea that he is 'different' unless you treat him differently, which he would not understand at all. He's just a little boy who needs a loving family...and you are an important part of that. Be patient and let love grow in its own time and it's own way... Hopefully this little chap will find a very special place in your heart...

Mabon1.......really!. An unpleasant and
totally unjustified post.
Lindyloo......you’ll be fine. Your daughter will have had a long time to prepare your DGD for the arrival of this little boy and you also!. It’s very easy to love a two year old particularly one who has had such a bad start in life. You’re worried and that’s understandable, just give it a little time it’ll all be fine I’m sure. You’re overthinking it all, try not to worry about the things that might never happen, Your DD is doing a wonderful thing.

I would pretty much echo the sentiments already expressed by others and would add my congratulations that your family will be growing. I'm sure your daughter and son-in-law will be great parents to the new addition, your 4-year-old granddaughter will be a good big sister, and while she may be a little jealous she may also surprise you and be 'mummy's little helper' and welcome a little brother to play with, teach, help etc, and you may turn out to be the best grandparent the little chap could hope for and love your grandchildren equally Wishing you and your family all the best for a loving future

Another point is with so many marriages breaking down lots of parents find themselves parents of non biological children. They often then have a joint biological child. I do wonder if they favour their own biological child over the step children. Have it in my family too and sometimes I think there may be some tendency to be more protective over the biological child but I make absolutely certain there is no difference from us, the grandparents. What’s more I can’t say hand on heart I FEEL different. I love them all and equally they can all be annoying! ?. Nobody is perfect, no rule books or quantifying feelings. I know grandparents who virtually bring up GC. I also know grandparents who keep them at arms length. I don’t judge any of them.

My daughter's "partner" has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, they now also have their own little boy, our first grandchild. I've always made a pont of treating them equally, so as not to make her feel left out. I've known her since she was 6, and find that I've grown to care about her very much. Love does grow!

mabon1
Why so bloody nasty when someone's calling out for help/advice with her feelings.

I’m sure you will love him in time. Don’t stress about it. It will be fine I’m sure ?. Xx

BlueBell I think you have it in a nutshell. Lots of mothers find it hard to bond with a new baby but it is the constant care of the helpless and trusting that works the magic, and of course the eventual response and love coming from the small person. Take heart - you are concerned about loving this new family member, you are not dismissive, and that says it all.

Give it time, I didn’t drool or bond with either of my biological children or my two biological GC immediately- I grew into a protective mummy tiger!

All good advice above. Go with it!

The family will be on 'lockdown' for at least 2 weeks according to adoption guidelines. No contact with outsiders other than adoptive parents/siblings.

You will be able to FaceTime them. When you do,get to meet him, you will be advised no hugging or physical contact at the beginning.

These guidelines are so that the child can bond with their new family and not get confused by meeting others (due to the fact that they could have had numerous foster families along with a traumatic birth family). They need to realise that they are now with a permanent family and trust and bond with them.

Play by his rules, let him get to know you, and as you both get to know each other and he settles into his chosen family I am sure the love will grow in abundance.

Wishing you well ???

Go along with your son and his fiance rosieroot. If they are excited so should you be. I can appreciate why you may have concerns but it is their life and their choice. Enjoy the experience of becoming a gran. There are bound to be ups and downs but try not to worry until there is actually something to worry about - and then deal with it. (1) 'Two dads' or 'two mums' are becoming quite commonplace these days so that's one worry out of the way and (2) Being an older grandma can be tiring but it's great to watch a little one blossom and grow. Good luck to you and the new family

Lyndiloo, My parents were very dubious about us adopting, having old-fashioned attitudes (1967) but they quickly grew to love her as much as our natural-born child.
I now have three grandchildren, and none of them is a blood relation to me. Two are from my adopted daughter. The other was conceived from a donor egg, with IVF, when my other daughter had fertility problems. I love them all dearly, and rarely think about them not being part of my 'natural' family. I am just very grateful that I am their Granny.
I'm sure that you will soon feel the same way about your new little grandson, and wish you lots of happiness.

I think the fact you are worried shows what a caring person you are. He’s lucky to have such a grandmother and you will look back and wonder why you worried.

Hi, I’m new here. Came across this after checking out hair removal cream would you believe?! But so interested in these comments as hopefully am soon to become a first time Gran. My son and his same sex fiancée are just starting the adoption process, they are so excited. I am trying to be, but have so many worries. They are a devoted couple in their mid thirties and have been together for over 7 years, both work in child related professions so no worries about their abilities. It’s just the worry of people re-acting to the ‘two dads,’ thing and also, I’m 70 and it’s a long time since I had any children ‘experience ‘!! Any advice welcome.

Lyndiloo - your letter could have been written by me four years ago. Now - we just love him so much and get the love returned many times over. We don't think of him as adopted now. He is just our youngest grandchild. He is off to school in September and we will miss our weekly days with him but we have watched him grow in confidence and become great friends with his boy cousins. Yes, his sister did need to be very much included in everything because he was almost a year old when he arrived and she was five so she didn't actually get the "baby" brother she hoped for. Mummy and Daddy made very sure she didn't feel pushed out and the two children adore each other. I wholeheartedly wish you our experience and that you will look back, like us, and know your doubts although very natural, have all disappeared.