Adopted Grandchild

BlueBell I think you have it in a nutshell. Lots of mothers find it hard to bond with a new baby but it is the constant care of the helpless and trusting that works the magic, and of course the eventual response and love coming from the small person. Take heart - you are concerned about loving this new family member, you are not dismissive, and that says it all.

I’m sure you will love him in time. Don’t stress about it. It will be fine I’m sure ?. Xx

mabon1
Why so bloody nasty when someone's calling out for help/advice with her feelings.

My daughter's "partner" has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship, they now also have their own little boy, our first grandchild. I've always made a pont of treating them equally, so as not to make her feel left out. I've known her since she was 6, and find that I've grown to care about her very much. Love does grow!

Another point is with so many marriages breaking down lots of parents find themselves parents of non biological children. They often then have a joint biological child. I do wonder if they favour their own biological child over the step children. Have it in my family too and sometimes I think there may be some tendency to be more protective over the biological child but I make absolutely certain there is no difference from us, the grandparents. What’s more I can’t say hand on heart I FEEL different. I love them all and equally they can all be annoying! ?. Nobody is perfect, no rule books or quantifying feelings. I know grandparents who virtually bring up GC. I also know grandparents who keep them at arms length. I don’t judge any of them.

I would pretty much echo the sentiments already expressed by others and would add my congratulations that your family will be growing. I'm sure your daughter and son-in-law will be great parents to the new addition, your 4-year-old granddaughter will be a good big sister, and while she may be a little jealous she may also surprise you and be 'mummy's little helper' and welcome a little brother to play with, teach, help etc, and you may turn out to be the best grandparent the little chap could hope for and love your grandchildren equally Wishing you and your family all the best for a loving future

Mabon1.......really!. An unpleasant and
totally unjustified post.
Lindyloo......you’ll be fine. Your daughter will have had a long time to prepare your DGD for the arrival of this little boy and you also!. It’s very easy to love a two year old particularly one who has had such a bad start in life. You’re worried and that’s understandable, just give it a little time it’ll all be fine I’m sure. You’re overthinking it all, try not to worry about the things that might never happen, Your DD is doing a wonderful thing.

I understand your concerns Lyndiloo, perfectly natural. Whilst you know, of course that your new grandson is not 'flesh and blood', he is just tiny...and to him you will always be his real grandma/nanny/nana...whatever you are called by your other grandchild. He will have no idea that he is 'different' unless you treat him differently, which he would not understand at all. He's just a little boy who needs a loving family...and you are an important part of that. Be patient and let love grow in its own time and it's own way... Hopefully this little chap will find a very special place in your heart...

At the risk of receiving an unpleasant response from Mabon1 I actually am struggling with bonding with my new GS. Sounds to me Lindyloo like you are preparing the ground nicely for a great relationship and I am sure it will grow just as PPs have said.

I am trying to do the same for my DGS.

And No it's not about me although I would dearly love to have a good relationship with him, it's the damage it may do to him - and my DS and DIL - that I worry about if they pick up the fact that I don't - yet - feel that normal bond.

I was never a maternal type but love my 2 DSs dearly and they know it! My DGS is just 5 months and he is lovely but all the other Granmas seem to have this instant connection and I am very jealous of that!

Just working on spending time with him, in the hope it will develop.

Well, it was a very slow burn with my grandchild.
I thought they were cute and clever and so on, but I never had an overriding urge to see them a lot.
They did grow on me, particularly in the last 5 years or so. (The oldest is 16!)
I really love them now!

Fenton, dont feel too badly or worry too much (if you are! you sound fairly confident)
We are a fairly close knit bunch, so I know that DDs lovely MIL did not feel a bond with GS1, although weirdly felt an instant connection to GS2 when he was born. We've discussed it a few times....wondering if it was genes calling to genes (GS2 is the image of daddy, GS1 much more like my side), or if rooted in the fact that she did not feel quite ready to be a granny, first time around.
No conclusions! but did want to reassure you that, a few years on, she feels exactly the same about them both.

My friends have adopted a boy and the grandparents adore him. Don’t worry about it. Children have a habit of winning you over

Fenton95: what exactly is a “normal” bond? Don’t fret, don’t ponder it. Just be you and see where it takes you. I admire your honesty tbh.

I have suddenly become a grandmother to 4 additional grandchildren to DS’s three sons in his new relationship. DS is happier than I have seen in years and so I welcome the enlarged family - love never runs out.

My son married a woman who had a little girl of two, he had a little boy of 2 (our now 12 year old gs who now lives with us). We had to have her for the weekend if we wanted him and we very quickly grew to love her. My son and his wife split up and we are no longer allowed to see our step gd but I still love her and hope she’ll come and find me one day. Just relax and go with it, I’m sure you’ll fall in love with him, especially when your daughter does - they are just innocent babies after all and when he says I love you nanny, I guarantee you will just melt. X

Thanks Chaos and Bluegal - I'm sure you are right. It's just a bit strange when people ask me if I'm loving being a grandma?

It took a while with my kids so I guess I'm just a slow burner ...

Coco51 - my grannie always said don't worry about the unplanned baby , babies bring their own love with them so there is always plenty to go round. The same is true of modern families, which may have adopted or 'step' children who are the centre of their extended families.
Moira, do hope you have contact with your step granddaughter at some point x

Thank you! Her mum also has 2 of my sons children (my gd’s) and their mum wont let us see them. It’s so sad.

A little boy of two. His first chance of a family as he obviously had to wait this long before finding his. His own mummy, daddy, sister and grand parents. He will be a very special little boy.
His new sister will be concerned that there will not be enough love to go around but assure her love grows with every new addition to the family.
Congratulations!

So true Coco and others. Love never runs out. No matter how many children or grandchildren we have, we can always find lots and lots of love for one more.....

I am sure the little toddler will soon melt your heart.

On reflecting this post I could not help but notice how much time was wasted venting spleen on one subscriber who made adverse or unkind comments. Would it perhaps not be preferable to ignore such remarks from anyone and they will be deprived of the attention they receive/seek? Just a thought.

Kim19, Must admit I tend to ignore the 'professional stirrers' but sometimes you do feel the need to say something so that the OP does not feel too isolated - its a sort of sisterly closing of the ranks against the sort of people who love to throw in some pretty extreme views and then act all defensive when they are criticised. Its the nature of open forums and I always hope the OPs who have sensitive and complex issues to discuss do not take the insensitive and sometimes downright inflammatory comments to heart.

Kim19 & HildaW
Of course we could all ignore the out and out rudeness of some posters, but that's the cowards way out.
Surely if someone's behaviour is unacceptable, we have every right to comment upon it.
Of course, it all depends on ones own standards I expect!

I think you will be a wonderful GM Lyndiloo. The fact that you are thinking it all through shows how sensitive you are. Let us know how if all goes.x