Adopted Grandchild

Please please, treat the little boy with love and affection, I was adopted and my Mothers family either did not aknowledge my existence, even when I was in the room ot make comments like " how are you mananging with her, i'ts a pity you have to put up with her" my maternal Grandmother never spoke to me once. My Fathers family were and are the opposite always treating me as one of the family.
I buried my Mother last Thursday, all of my Fathers family who could attended the funeral, none of her family attended, they all live very close to the village she was buried in.
Their cruelty has caused lasting problems for me, Just try to love him please, he will repay you manifold.

It is very complex adopting a toddler of two who has probably experienced an adverse start to life. I am surprised that you as a family member have not been offered at least one visit by the person responsible for ongoing welfare of the child being placed.

Your 4 year old grand child will need support because a two year old boy rushing about picking up her toys without permission and throwing them on the floor will not be easy to relate to in an affectionate and favourable way. I hope she is getting help on how to relate to her new brother. I hope he has his own bedroom and that they do not have to share. Also that she has chosen some of his new toys for him as her 'gift', and that she has met him and had a chance to ask the questions that are important to her.

This charity may be able to help and offer an insight into the complex issues that need to be discussed and aired.

www.adoptionuk.org/

Let us know how things progress. All the very best. Emily

Gosh, what an inspirational and uplifting load of responses to OP. Thanks to all contributors. Totally heartwarming. I was already having a good day but now it has triple whammied. Wowwee!

Lyndiloo
You're very brave to open up so truthfully on here and I'm glad we GNers are here for you (and all the others) who are facing things they are afraid of or worried about. I'm glad you did. I'm not a 'fussy' mum either cnd love my own C to death and beyond but I would truthfully find it difficult to love or drool over other people's children. That said, a certain kind of love will grow as this new son of theirs embeds himself into the fabric of the lives of his parents and the wider family.
You may suddenly find yourself forgetting the circumstances of his joining the family but, be kind to yourself. It's a different journey to get to the same ending. He will come to know how lucky he is to have a safe loving environment within which to make the most of his opportunities.
You and your family will do a great job.

To love or not is a decision.

You can decide to love him then you may fall in love with him.

What a wonderful person your daughter is, to do this incredible thing, providing a homeless child with a home, albeit one with a slightly nervous granny attached :-)

Oh how I love that saying. If we all kept our mouths shut and our hearts open. Just fake it till you make it.

Just take a step back and let it all happen naturally ?

Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart but in it

Hindu saying

Hope this works for your daughter - and for you

All grandchildren are half unrelated to us! We love both halves.

Put yourself in his place - to be adopted at 2 he must have been in a less-than-ideal home situation before. Heaven knows what he has experienced. He'll be anxious about going to live with these new people - much more anxious than you or your daughter and SIL are. Give him a loving welcome - even if you don't feel an instant connection , pretend like mad and make him feel the love. Soon it will come naturally and you'll wonder why you were ever concerned.

Actually I think I’m just like one of my adoptive grannies. In character if not in looks!

I once told an adult friend how much like her Mum she was ...then she told me she was adopted ???

My son has two girls - eldest one adopted. I don't even think about it. I almost said one day that she takes after her father in some things! lol. don't worry. I would be excited. a lovely little two year old boy. ?

I have been in almost exactly the position of your daughter. She and her husband will also be building a relationship with their new child. At this point they will be hoping that they will love their son as they love their daughter. They will also be hoping that all family members will love their second child as they love the first. They will be worrying that the adoption goes ahead. Their situation is very stressful yet very very exciting. What I found was that grandparents get caught up in the excitement and the love comes quickly. Fake it if you have to, but I think your feelings will be genuine and overwhelming. You will soon love your grandson as you love your granddaughter. Congratulations and very best wishes to you all.

I’m a great believer in frequent contact being the key thing in forming strong bonds with grandchildren rather than blood ties and I don’t think the OP should worry too much. I think it’s a wonderful thing to adopt a child and I think, if it were me, I’d give as much support to the adoption as I possibly could. Two year olds have a way of stealing your heart and I’d be eager to let mine be stolen. I have a step grand daughter who arrived on the scene aged 4 and I think as much of her now as any other of my grandchildren.

Your love story with your grandson will be of a 'slow burn', fierce love.

Unconditional love is what parents are expected to have for their children that they chose to have.
Grandparents may have unconditional love for their DGCs but it is less expected.

Your daughter and husband are expecting their second child..which is a joyful thing. Understandably you are feeling anxious & you are worried about spoiling their happiness by not feeling the closeness with your new grandson that you feel for your DGD. If you can already think of him as DGDs little brother, are picking up a little gifts for him , as you would if he was being born to your DD and getting a bit excited about his arrival I am sure the rest will come as it seems you really want this to work out well.

My sons two eldest are not his but when they were young I just loved them to bits. As they got older one became a real problem so I don’t have that much to do with her but the other, well I just still love her to bits. Just wIt and see and have an open mind.

Not the same as your story, but I am a sort of a surrogate grandmother to the two young girls who live next door. Their mum suffers form ms and their dad works long hours. The girls have no ‘blood’ grandparents and there is no other family close by, so I would occasionally help the family out. Over the past few years I have developed an incredibly strong bond with them. I really do consider them my family.

I also have a 14 month old grandson, when he was born (unlike when I met the girls) the love was instant and overwhelming. I loved him as soon as I knew my dil was expecting! This morning I took the youngest of the girls with me to visit my dil and dgs. Watching her play with my grandson, my heart was so full of love, I honestly couldn’t distinguish one from the other.

Give it time, you will love your new grandson just as you do your granddaughter.

Congratulations on your growing family

Lyndiloo when I was pregnant with my first I wondered if I would love her. This was despite already having two step sons I adored. When I was pregnant I worried I wouldn’t love another the same as the others! It’s natural to feel anxious but don’t worry unnecessarily. Nobody really knows what “love is”. Love takes many forms. I love my mum my husband my children grandchildren even my pets but don’t love them in exactly the same way. I take care of them all to the best of my ability and that’s all anyone can ask.

Take it slowly, get to know him, care for him. In time you will forget he wasn’t around for the first two years of his life. How exciting. Good luck

Thank you all for such supportive and inspiring comments. I feel a lot more positive after reading them. And I shall remember, "Fake it, til you make it," and "Love isn't something wonderful that you feel, it's something wonderful that you do."

I'll do my best!

If you don’t show you don’t, he won’t know you don’t,but I bet before long you will love him for real, compassion for how he got to where he is should help you. 2yrs is a difficult unsettling time for children that have not had a stable start in life. He will need to feel & be assured he belongs ,all of these things shows a kind of love,but perhaps not the instant sort that starts at birth. best wishes to your family it takes special people to do this .

This little chap will have had a difficult life so far, or he would not be available for adoption. He will need the structure and security of a new family around him, and you will both be part of that. It is both a responsibility and a pleasure.