Daughter in law

Muffin - So sorry for your treatment by your husband. You are very strong to still be hanging on in there for your children. ?

A quiet plea: if you’re going to visit the postpartum lady frequently, would you mind lending a hand to tidy up?

Keeping the house “visitor ready” is hellish. Offer to load the dishwasher or run the hoover round? Perhaps offer to stick some laundry on? The offer may be refused, but honestly the “help” I actually needed wasn’t for someone to hold the baby or feed them; that was going fine. But I was really pretty ill and was completely wiped out by doing stuff like even pretty short bursts of housework. A run round the surfaces with a cloth was worth its weight in gold to me.

Please do not hog the only toilet

Also, please bring food, it is welcomed. I don’t mean proper dinners. I mean like crisps and chocolate and stuff you can shovel in one-handed because baby insists on only napping on a parent. And cold drinks in cartons/cans - no one can hold a baby and a hot drink at the same time. I accept Coca Cola is not very nutritious but by god that sugar and caffeine can keep you going.

My best mates, knowing me far too well, brought me a cheeseboard full of stuff banned during pregnancy and a massive box of cheese biscuits. I teared up a bit with gratitude. Also the entire box of Dairy Milks from my uncle.

I bet the reason she's not been back here is it's all sorted and she's been in and out of the place every day since getting upset about it.

They both could of been happy with her at the hospital but inductions can take days, its much longer and painfulful process so was no point in being there...maybe everything didnt go to plan and ringing her to let her come didn't even enter his head.
Maybe after everything DIL decided she didn't want any visitors. Maybe by the time MIL got there it would be time to leave. I was out within 6 hours with both of mine.
We just don't know, there could be lots of reasons.

If you come back OP I’m curious... when you say you were devastated being told after 5 hours about babies birth. What did you say to your son? Could you have portrayed either Purposely or accidentally how you felt? I owed nobody a single thing in the first few days after my daughter was born and anyone who felt differently of either me or dh would have been straight in the doghouse! Maybe that’s something you need to make amends for. Some posters may feel you were entitled to more but ultimately your son and dil didn’t and that’s who’s views matter if you want to sort this out.

I wasn't talking about being invited to the birth. Of course its not spectator sport! Son did invite her to come. Its in the post.

Muffin - I have just read your post - and I am totally, totally gobsmacked! I believe that he could have been charged regarding the baby. What if you had wanted to try breastfeeding! I suggest your get all the support, especially MH wise in place and LEAVE! You do not deserve this. The only thing I would worry about would that he and his mother would use your MH issues against you to try and get custody - so perhaps I can understand you staying. But you deserve a life of love, with someone you love! And more importantly - someone who puts you first!

Blimey, all this booking in for looking after GC. We had no help from anybody, let alone playing top trumps for who gets to see the baby first.

Been invited? It's not a spectator sport. You don't get an invitation to see a medical procedure. The woman gets to decide who she wants to see. Hospitals priorities are the new mum.

Maybe after 5 hours they were happy, settled, had all the tests done he felt it was the right time to leave his wife and baby to make the phone call.
She could of been rushed in for an emergency c-section for all we know as most inductions do end in them. We dont know why she was induced. She could of been overdue or ill.
After 2 days of labour I doubt they would of left her for much longer due to sheer exhaustion.
Maybe 5 hours was the soonest he could let her know.

I remember my husband's face when he announced to his DM we was expecting another DD and she replies with 'Well it doesn't matter' no congratulations.
I can only imagine how deflated he would of been having to explain himself as to why OP wasn't notified sooner. He could of been worried sick about his wife and his baby. Anything could of happened.

We don't know anything about the new parents just that OP hasn't got her 1 day a week visit she was wanting.

I don't think 5 hours after the birth is too bad.
Sadly, it isn't possible, or probably wise, to expect to be as involved as the parents.
Expectations usually lead to disappointment somewhere down the line.

Danceswithotters come off it- if you had been invited to be close at the time by your son and were really excitedly looking forward to it you would be more than slightly disappointed. Many people I know really love their grandchildren - dote might be the right word- travel long distances (by plane ) to babysit, eagerly show photos, talk endlessly about them (yawn yawn lol) etc. Its a big thing in their lives when a grandchild is born!

Rereading this, I see that Baby1 is right - the OP doesn't seem to have even met the new baby in the 3 weeks since she was born! That does seem very unusual for GPs who only live an hour a way.

I suspect it may be due to all the assumptions made (the job changes, etc.) and the effort to do things their own way without asking first. It may take a while for DS and DIL to get over that.

Also, OP, do you see that even when you ask to see baby, you also ask to have a "cup of tea?" I know you just mean to be sociable, but it may sound to them as if you expect to be entertained and enjoy a prolonged visit. Maybe it would be better if you ask just to meet baby briefly and leave? "We'd like to stop by and meet baby. We'll only stay about 15 minutes and then we'll be gone. If DIL doesn't feel up to it, she doesn't even have to see us. We understand." Then follow through, of course. Just my thoughts.

Hope my words don't sound harsh. I'm just trying to be helpful.

Monica But if they're not part of your life you may as well not have them? I'm speaking from experience.

And have you not met the grandchild at all even once?

Or have you met the grandchild already, but are annoyed that you have not been given the all day access once a week that you were hoping for?

"The first we knew was 5hrs after she was born. I was devastated."

This has been niggling at me.

Times where the word devastated is appropriate:
Your house burning down
A loved one diagnosed with a terminal illness
Losing a limb
Sustaining a life changing injury in an accident
The untimely death of a family member

I would say a more appropriate term for not being notified of a birth a mere 5 hours after your sons wife has done one of the hardest things a woman ever has to do would be miffed, slightly disappointed, vaguely piqued.

Some people who would like grandchildren but have none, would be thankful to have just one, even if they rarely if ever see them. Those of us who have grandchildren often fail to realise how much some of those who do not have grandchildren desperately long for one.

Monica Ui don6 see the point in being glad you have grandchildren if yoy don't see them and they don't care much about you. My grandaughter goes to uni close to me and would not dream of calling in ever. We wouldnt be able to hold a conversation.

I do sympathise but think you are being a bit unrealistic to expect a high level of involvement with the baby. Give the new parents some space and time to get used to the baby. It is still very early days and they are learning. Think back. They are tired and probably not getting much sleep. Just wait until you are invited -

While I agree you need to be patient, it’s hard being the paternal grandparent. It’s totally different if it’s your daughter that’s had the baby. I can totally understand your frustration. I never until my eldest had children felt not as included as much as a grandparent. I suppose it all depends on how well you get on with your DIL. A sons a son till he gets a wife a daughters a daughter all her life so the saying goes. I hope you get included soon but don’t push it could be disastrous.

I feel for you. I meet son's MIL from time to time when we bump into her at their house. I don't think she really likes me. My DIL is lovely and we get on well. She is very close to her mum, and I try to think that her mum must be ok to have brought up a lovely young woman.

Other MIL was the at birth of both GD's and we didn't see them til much later. I think this was right though, I believe in giving them time together as a new family.

Other MIL sees the GDs much more often than we do as they live nearer, and the children stay overnight, but have never done here. They are on their 5th annual holiday with DIL's whole family, and I am wildly jealous, though I understand how close DIL is with them. They only get so many days off a year, and I can't envisage them ever coming with us.

The elder one asked me why I never go with them. What to say? I said it was a holiday for them with mummy's family, and she said "But you're our family". How sweet, she's only 5.

However we do see them almost every week, and we have a great time. They never want to go home, and the little one mouthed through the car window last time, "I love you Nanny".

So you'll just have to see how it goes, and manage your feelings, while letting them know how much you love them all and dearly like to see them as much as they can manage. The baby is still relatively very young, so don't fall out with them, they're probably still too overwhelmed to think of dishing out equal time at the present.

Like I say though I can't help feeling jealous, and I had a feeling that this would happen from the start. There's nothing I can do about it. Many of my friends are in similar situations, or worse. I have posted before about being a paternal grandmother, always harder I think. DH keeps quiet on the subject!

Actually, I'm glad to get this off my chest as well.
I hope things get easier for you as time goes on.

Baby1, no my MiL wouldn't have been doing those things. It would have been a holiday visit for them, as it was when they did come, later on.
As I said, lovely people but quite overwhelming especially if they were on holiday and we weren't.
(We had experienced that in previous years, before babies.)

Theres always the assumption on here that if one family is seen more it is driven and controlled by the adult child of that family.

This is often not the case, and used as an excuse for people to take no ownership over their own family dynamics.

I much prefer seeing my ILs. They are "easy" company. My family are stressful and bring drama. DH is not the one who feels this most acutely, I am. There is no way he would come between me and someone I WANTED to see.

Controlling partners do exist, but equally a lot of us find in our inlaws the stable loving family that we lacked. I see my family but wouldnt want them around in times of stress/upheaval/illness ass they would ADD to the burden & stress. My ILs however are a great support to us when times get tough.

Ahh Anne, no worries

Agree. A grandchild isnt a second go at being a sometimes parent. Its a nee dynamic. Let it grow organically rather than going into it with expectations.

When will people realise that a child is the child of their parents and the parents will make all the rules about who sees their child when and where. Grandparents have no rights and, except in very limited cases, I do not see why they should have them.

Your relationship with your grandchildren starts when your child is born and often difficulties that arise when your grandchildren are born have roots far earlier. Not all of us have children who were easy to bring up and this can cause rifts where none were wanted, but in the past we had threads from parents who gave their children everything and then wondered why they grew up into selfish uncaring adults, others who were demanding and difficult parents.

I think far too many people have far to high expectations about what their relationship with any grandchildren will be and almost see themselves as being a third parent. We bring our children up, we set them free. We then need to build ourselves new independent lives that will, hopefully be reduced a bit if we become grandparents.

Be glad you even have grandchildren. Many people of grandparent age do not have grandchildren, perhaps they could not have children, never met the right person, or have children who cannot or have chosen not to have children.