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Daughter in law

(203 Posts)
Akenside62 Wed 08-Aug-18 04:27:31

I'm having issues already with seeing my granddaughter and she is only 3 weeks old! I live over an hour away from my son and so left my job so I could find part time work and see my granddaughter once a week. To take the pressure off them at weekends. As of yet I'm yet to see her on my day off. Her parents live around the corner and drop in regularly.
I also took time off when she was induced as my son had asked if I would want to be there and I said yes.(not at the birth just later when sect could go in).
We had been waiting around at home for 2 days and when it was close he said he would text. This did not happen. The first we knew was 5hrs after she was born. I was devastated.
My son said it was too emotional and he couldn't ring and yet his wife's family was there and they did not help him to make that call!
This has continued. We've asked to go up and just see her and have a cup of tea but they do not want us to go. Other grandma is there most days and sons wife can't drive we have offered to go but have not been taken up on this.
I'm trying to be patient and not push it but it's really affecting me.
His wife is calling all the shots and he is a loving husband and just goes along with whatever she wants.
She has stopped other things in the past that we hAve tried to do but I honestly didn't think this would happen with the baby.
What can I do,?

Marmight Wed 08-Aug-18 05:10:26

Be patient! The baby is only 3 weeks old and they are adjusting to being a family of 3. I think you are expecting too much too soon. Give it time....

BlueBelle Wed 08-Aug-18 06:07:45

Why on earth are there all these threads about mother in laws and new babies I simply don’t understand this need to be there and involved from hour zero Why on earth be devastated because you didn’t hear as soon as the baby was born, your son was too emotional meeting HIS ( not your) new baby and obviously so overtaken he didn’t think of anything but that He needed to have time to bond
If you are going to be jealous of the ‘other’ family who live round the corner you will have a lot of disappointing moments I m afraid You are mentally pushing far too much, first by changing your job, then changing your work hours all in expectation of being ‘needed’ Did anyone ask you to change these things ?
I think you must calm down I can totally understand your excitement but if you expect to be number one now you will be so disappointed A daughter will always naturally turn to her own Mum and that’s exactly how it will always be and should be, if she is wise she will start to include you too BUT be aware you could push her away if you are so incistant
It sounds as if you have seen the baby so just enjoy what time you do get and my bet is it will all increase in time
Don’t spoil this wonderful new little life with your own upsets

ContraryMary88 Wed 08-Aug-18 06:42:09

I agree with everything that bluebell has said, it’s early days, give them a chance to recover from the birth and settling in.
Don’t blame the DIL, your son has a tongue in his head, at the moment he is doing what is best for his new family.
At the end of the day, is only been 3 weeks!

Dolcelatte Wed 08-Aug-18 06:44:08

I also agree with Bluebelle. Just take deep breaths and be patient. It is very early days. Did they know that you were giving up your job?

Marydoll Wed 08-Aug-18 06:56:03

I agree with Bluebells, it's early days yet and a new mum usually wants her own mum, rather than MIL.
In saying that, my DIL asked my husband and I for support, when my DGD was born. We were there every day for weeks, trying to support her, as my son had to go back to work.
My DIL's wound became badly affected after her C section and she couldn't lift my wee granddaughter. or do anything in the house. Her own mother who lived 10 minutes away, just wasn't interested.😢We always asked first if she wanted us to visit, we would never have imposed.
As a result, we now have a very close relationship with DIL, but we never interfere,
I think it was a wee bit premature, giving up your job prior to the birth, in anticipation of being involved, unless you were ask to do So by your son.
Things rarely ever works out the way we anticipate it.

crystaltipps Wed 08-Aug-18 07:16:19

Agree with others - the baby is only 3 weeks old and you are complaining about not seeing her enough! It’s not a competition with the “other” grandparents either. Why on earth change your hours unasked? You have to remember it’s not your baby. Keep chatting to your son for updates on his family and be patient.

Luckylegs9 Wed 08-Aug-18 07:24:15

Please be patient, the girls family are who your dil wants and her feelings come first. It is just the way it is. Did they ask you to look after the baby? Is that why you changed jobs? If not I think you have unrealistic expectations. Given time if there is no pressure and you get on with your life they will involve you. Have you and your husband not seen your grandchild? I am sorry if you haven't, one visit, albeit a short one wouldn't hurt, but all you can do us be patient. They hold all the cards.

annsixty Wed 08-Aug-18 07:41:02

When will people learn, it is their child , not yours.
Cutting down on your working hours and expecting to be at the hospital was presumptuous and as for having the baby at the weekend, surely that is their special time together after dad has been at work all week.

Greengal Wed 08-Aug-18 08:08:01

Yes, I'm sorry you're hurting, Akenside, but a pregnant or new mom's wishes usually come first. These days may be a little hectic, and so DIL probably wants to be around the people she feels most comfortable with and that's probably your DS and her own family. As others have said, please be patient.

I'm sorry DS didn't keep his word to you about texting. I believe his explanation that it was all "too emotional." DIL's family probably had no idea that he didn't contact you or why. Please don't look to blame them. It was no one's fault, it's just how things turned out.

You say that DIL "has stopped other things" that you and DH "have tried to do," but you "didn't think this would happen with the baby." Why not? Why would she act any differently now? Your intentions are good, but it seems like you and DH make decisions that affect DS and DIL without consulting them first. Lovely that you were willing to watch baby on your day off, but maybe they don't want to be away from her that often or, sorry, but someone else is their go-to childminder.

You ask what you can do. Here's what I think you NEED to do - back off, let them set the pace, and let them ask you for what they need (if anything). Or if you want to do something, ASK first before you make assumptions and major life changes. Please be ready to accept it if they say no, just as they should be ready to accept it if you say no to something they ask. And yes, it's early days - wishing you many years of joy with your GD!

gillybob Wed 08-Aug-18 08:12:10

I would have been so upset to hear that my grandchild had been born 5 hours previously ! I wouldn’t expect to be there but I would expect ( and got) a call to say my DDiL was in labour and a call to say the baby had been born and all was well . As it happens I looked after the older child(ren) when the younger ones were born. I mean how long does it take to say “ mum you have a baby grandson and he’s 7lb 2oz. They are both fine , will speak soon , bye “ (or whatever )

I was invited to be at the birth of my DD’s baby which was both thrilling and terrifying in equal measures .

The OP as the paternal grandma is feeling left out whilst the maternal grandparents are never away . You hear this so often on GN which is sad. I count myself very very lucky.

ChaosIncorporated Wed 08-Aug-18 08:25:14

Akenside ... you may be feeling a little bruised by the advice given here, but it is well meant.
I would echo "Bluebelle", as have others.

There are a few things to reflect on:
AS a young DIL, I would have been terrified by the implications if my MIL had changed her job because I was having a baby. It does not sound as though this was a family decision, discussed and agreed on? can you see the assumptions made, about when and how often your help would be wanted?
I also thought that it would be nice to have my GC stay each week, to give parents a night off, so understand that thought process, but it is a parental choice not our choice. As it happens, DD had awful PND and I ended up helping a lot through the week and never doing sleepovers because she panicked when he was out of her sight. They stay regularly now....but thats 5 years down the line!

Your DIL may be gently trying to establish that you are a much loved part of the family but that it needs to be on their terms.
Thats normal!
Surely we are not too old to remember those first few weeks with a new first baby? no sleep, struggling to stay on top of the basics, painful stitches, hormone driven emotional rollercoaster.......we just needed time, and space.
The best visitors were the ones who waited for an invite, only stayed half an hour and left behind a cake, or a lasagna that you could just pop in the oven later. Above all, they were non-judgemental about whether the bed was made or the washing done.

You say that, in the short three weeks since this blessed little one has been in the world, they have visited you a few times! Given how upside down their world has become, this says a lot about them wanting you in their life.
Do try not to spoil that by trying to make things fit your own vision.
Adapt, and grow with them.

Brunette10 Wed 08-Aug-18 08:32:08

Hi Akenside62 and so sorry to hear you are hurting just now. Whilst I do agree with the others i.e. be patient and understanding I do feel also that some advice may have come over quite harsh especially as you are hurting at the moment. Think you have done what you thought was the right thing to do as far as your job is concerned and perhaps this was a little rushed and the wrong decision made, however you obviously thought at the time it was the right decision. Just be patient and hopefully all will turn out well with this situation. It is hard being the MIL as daughters in the main will turn to their own mum. I wish you well and hope that everything turns out for you and your family in all respects and you enjoy your new granddaughter.

Youngatheart60 Wed 08-Aug-18 09:05:20

I couldn’t agree more with Bluebell and chaosIncorporated. If you continue with this type of over entitled attitude, you are only going to push them away.

Becoming a grandparent is exciting and has so many joys but like it or not it’s on their terms and you don’t call the shots or make the decisions of when you can see this little person or how much you can be involved in their lives- their parents do.

You have had your time, raised your children how you wanted and now this is their time and I’ll echo what others have said, it’s their baby not yours. You are no longer actively parenting, you are now an extended family member, whom if the relationship is healthy and respectful with receive the lovely privilege of being included in some one else’s child’s life.

I’m afraid you will have to change your expectations, it’s such early days and completely normal that you haven’t had many visits. Your sole role is to be there when needed and to be supportive and respectful of their decisions, just as you would any other adult

FlexibleFriend Wed 08-Aug-18 09:06:05

I have nothing to add that won't sound like we're all ganging up on you.
I remember when my first son was born way back in 1980, we told no one I was in labour and waited until the next day to say he'd arrived. I didn't want visitors, he was ours to enjoy. After 2 days even my husband went back to work as he really was a dream baby (made up for it since mind) and for the first two weeks we saw no one and no one questioned it. Everyone was pleased for us but they left us alone and that was considered normal, what's changed when these days everyone thinks they've been slighted to not be at the birth. OMG I would have had an attack of the vapours had anyone suggested such a thing.

Violetfloss Wed 08-Aug-18 09:14:04

3 weeks old!! Your DIL is still recovering from giving birth, yes her parents are probably there seeing their daughter and making sure she is ok.

5 hours after birth is nothing, I don't understand the issue there. Your DIL was probably being stitched up, having bloods taken, establishing breastfeeding and still high on drugs. Your son probably didn't want to leave his wife and was looking after his baby while DIL was being treated.

Your DIL hasn't even had her 6 week check up after giving birth.

You're expecting way too much. Did they ask you to go part time hours to help out?

You need to calm down and back off abit.

SpringyChicken Wed 08-Aug-18 09:31:19

You probably scared the living daylights out of your daughter-in-law changing your job. No new mother would welcome the prospect of having the same day every week curtailed to accommodate her mother-in-law. I can well remember our horror as newlyweds when mother-in-law wanted to set a day of the week to come round for a meal.

Could you ring your son to say you want to pop round one evening for a quick visit to see the baby and drop off a gift?
Why not ring her mum for a friendly chat to find out how things are going.

gerry86 Wed 08-Aug-18 09:40:59

You really need to take a step back or you run the risk of losing them for a long time

muffinthemoo Wed 08-Aug-18 09:52:12

I’m not actually sure if you would have been able to see the baby any sooner when born in any case. The hospital policy where I am is partner only outside visiting hours, so you would have had to wait for the next set of visiting hours.

I had my first at the crack of dawn and it was about eight hours until the first visiting time opened. I was discharged straight after so I ended up asking DH to tell people just to see us at home instead.

Elrel Wed 08-Aug-18 09:52:54

One evening DD had an emergency C section, blood transfusions and a 2lb baby at 30 weeks.
SiL rang me, and his own DM, at 9 the next morning. I completely understand. What could I have done from 100 miles away except stress and fuss.

annsixty Wed 08-Aug-18 09:53:55

"She has stopped things in the past that we have tried to do"
No lesson learned then.
Please step back and take your lead from them.

Coconut Wed 08-Aug-18 09:55:20

I do agree with others posts re being patient for now. Further down the line tho, if you are still feeling this way, I hope that you and/or your husband are close enough to your son to be able to speak to him on his own to calmly voice your hurt. We have had many posts re DIL’s totally dominating situations and the men are unhappy, caught in the middle and treading on egg shells. I so hope you don’t experience this and all settles down. One set of grandparents should not be shown preference over another unless there are other issues going on.

grannyqueenie Wed 08-Aug-18 09:59:54

No advice that I can add that hasn’t already been given, I hope the op will be able to listen to it.
Much as I love my children, their partners and all my grandchildren I didn’t really feel the need to be involved at the level some grandparents expect to be. I’ve had 5 children with all the enjoyment and hard slog that brings. But that was for then, not for now. I’ve been involved in my grandchildrens lives to a greater or lesser extent, depending on distance, circumstances and what their parents want/need at the time.. therein lies the key, it can’t always be about what I as the granny want. That’s not say I haven’t ever felt disappointed, neglected or forgotten - of course from time to time I have, but at the end of the day those little ones are not my children. I’ve had my turn at being no1 and now it’s time to take a back seat and enjoy that too.

Jaycee5 Wed 08-Aug-18 10:05:03

It is a massive event in your life and it is understandable that you are excited but it is easy to become overexcited without realising.
Time is relative. When you are dealing with a major event every day will feel like a second. When you are waiting for people to contact or to allow you to become involved every second feels like a day.
You can only wait but try not to do it on tenterhooks because you will then probably say the wrong thing. Your son knows you want to be there as soon as possible but he wants to enjoy his new family, make life as easy as possible and probably just cope with the new routine, lack of sleep etc.
You mean well and want to help but it seems clear that they have enough help at the moment not because her family are being preferred to you but just because they are her family. It is not personal. It is just the way families are. If you contact your son again he may think that you are nagging and start to avoid you.
Life isn't always fair and being the mother of the father rather than the mother is one way in which it just isn't.

luluaugust Wed 08-Aug-18 10:06:45

I do understand how excited and upset you feel, been there a few times, but everything needs to calm down. When you gave up your job you probably caused your DIL to feel if she gave an inch you would take a mile! My DIL naturally turned to her own mother when her babies arrived and her mum stayed for two weeks, equally I stayed with my DD who lives far away for two weeks but other DD I went over for a night as she was sent straight home from hospital. You have to go with the flow, let things settle and definitely don't make any remarks that could be misunderstood.