Have you ever seriously considered suicide?

Yes, once.

When my rheumatoid arthritis was at it's worst, and I was spending 14 hours at least out of every 24, crying with pain, being unable to do anything for myself, including dressing, washing, toileting, cooking and feeding, due to inflamed, swollen and painful joints. I was only in my 40s, and honestly got to the point where I thought, "I really can't take this for another 30 or 40 years. This surely can't be my entire future existence".

Fortunately, when I eventually broke down in the rheumatology nurse's office ( I always breezily replied "oh yes, I'm fine" when she asked how I'd been) I was put onto my "magic medicine" and I have been practically symptom free from that time.

I dread the time I go to an appointment and I am told that the NHS will no longer fund my treatment, but for now, I am so so so grateful that I have them, and have this reprieve.

With apologies for practically repeating one of my earlier posts!

Luckygirl You are being a bit hard on yourself. At least you tried to understand. When my brother was ill with depression, although I felt sorry for him, I am ashamed to say I used to lose patience with him. His story ended in tragedy. It's only the last few years that I can perhaps understand what he was going through. I had no idea.

We may find Judy's post offensive but let's allow her to speak her mind frankly on this website. I worked for years with the psychiatric team at a local general hospital, who dealt with any episodes of self-harm. What seems trivial to one may be the end of the world to another, particularly when young or without emotional support. I was also a Samaritan, but this didn't prevent me becoming very low following my Dad's death years ago. I didn't want to die, but just to escape from the situation. Instead I got through and was one of the lucky ones. It takes all kinds to make up our world, we must try to empathise with everyone - however difficult that is.

Judy, you add shame to the despair some people are suffering .

Judy, what a disgusting attitude you have!

JudyJudy12....you've obviously never had any mental illness yourself. Aren't you lucky.........

I do think that it is very hard indeed for anyone who has not suffered a true deep depression to really understand how it feels. I know this because a great deal of my work involved me with people with depression and I was vain enough to think I was understanding.

Since, after being in retirement, I have suffered a serious depression, I now realise that I really did not understand at all. I would give myself 10 out of 10 for trying, but now realise that about 3 out of 10 might be more appropriate for succeeding.

I understand that one poster here has not been able to understand - and I understand why that might be. But I think a little humility might not go amiss. You never know when you might find yourself in this situation.

I attempted suicide when I was a teenager. I just couldn't go on and I wouldn't have been missed.

I was scared i hadn't taken enough and that I would be left dependent on my parents.

I know realise I was from an emotionally abusive background. I was just there, I existed and learned not to speak or ask for anything as I would be criticised/hit.

I was admitted into hospital and told I "was a silly girl" and had to sleep on a camp bed in the corridor.

This brought further shame to me and I just regretted it didn't work and just had to carry on existing.

Many years ago I went through a very dark time. I can't even say that I considered suicide so much as - it seemed to permeate my thoughts. Driving home alone, the urge to drift into oncoming traffic, or off the side of the road could be incredibly strong. I came through that all right, though it took time, and the support of some good friends.

These days, due to a few different mental health conditions I have what my therapist calls 'suicidal ideation'. It rarely steps beyond a drifting thought that I'm tired, and done, and want things over - but it's exhausting. I don't know if its really wanting to die, or just being tired of living. I don't do it because I know of the hurt it would cause my daughter, and she means everything to me.

Can suicide be selfish? Certainly. But all too often it's about things that are out of the control of the person suffering with it. And most of us are suffering. I wish more people understood that, and that more people who are hurting felt safe enough to talk about the things troubling them. Shame and fear of judgement kept me from getting help for far too long.

Yes, once. It wasn't selfish; it was to get help for someone I loved because no one would listen.

I totally understand your despair. I have had a difficult few years, as have most people I know. I had a seizure 3 years ago and it made me understand what it meant to be “gone”. Now, I sometimes get an understanding of why people want totally get away from pain. It seems wrong to feel this way and yet completely logical?!! What I cling onto is the knowledge that life does move on and I hope and believe that I will feel better. Please don’t feel that you are on your own x

Franbern, my daughter and son in law did not live together in the last seven years of her life

They had three beautiful children, adored by their parents, their mother was unable to care for them when she became ill and made the choice to leave the family home so her illness wouldn’t affect her children, it was heartbreaking for her and her husband , she lived alone he stayed in the family home with the children.

Annie, do not expect your SiL to 'move on' so quickly. It is less than a year since your daughter died. I found that it was the first two years that was the worse. And, a lot of people do not want just to 'move on', somehow that makes the loss even harder.
Annie, you can always come on here to talk about your daughter, relive the good memories. I did not realise that she had children, how wonderful is that!! My son had not entered that part of his life, so we just have our memories and our photos to remember him by.

We're rooting for you Annie. And your son in law. I think you're doing marvellously. XX

I hope so too Annie x

Nfk, wouldn’t talk to my son in law, he is coming to terms with things, he waited 7 years in the hope my daughter would recover. In those years he remained totally loyal to her and kept the family home calm , he deserves to have a life now, thirty years she was the centre of his life, I could not have asked more from a son in law. When their second child graduated this year they had a lovely day together, the three children two partners of my two granddaughters, yet he sent me a text ‘ I wish she was here’. He needs to move on. Not getting out yet but hope to start my recovery programme very soon .

I can’t have any idea of what it’s like to loose a child. I had a baby born too soon (he would have survived now), but I never knew him, never nursed or nurtured him. I really can’t imagine how I would cope if I lost one of my children now.

Reading this thread (and others) there are so many of you out there with so much courage. Overcoming enormous challenges. You’re all fantastic.

Are you sure you can’t talk to your SiL Annie? It may be that listening to you and helping you will help him too. Are you managing to get out?

I did fill my mouth with the pills. Then , before swallowing I realised that my intended suicide was my response to my very angry. I spat the pills out and tried to think of a better response to frustrated anger. actually here wasn't anything to be done but I never tried to commit suicide again.

It's called silver line.

Possibly not ideal but I think there are schemes where you can have a regular chat and/or write to kind supporters.

Franbern, I have a younger daughter but she has a life I am not part of, she is a darling, has her sisters ashes in her home waiting for me to make a decision. I have only seen her once this year, she doesn’t want to say much about her sister. Can’t talk to my son in law, he at times needs to talk to me. That’s it. My daughters children don’t want to speak of her.

True MissAdventure, I have no one I can express my feelings to and so turn it back on myself

I think these threads are so, so important, to give people a window into the world of people who are depressed, suffering, bereaved, and so on.
It can only be a good thing to realise that its not all about being selfish, or attention seeking or needing to 'pull yourself together.'