Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Husband hates kids

(147 Posts)
Notthecatsmother Mon 03-Dec-18 15:30:50

My 2 children from my first marriage made me a Gran this year. My husband hates kids and wants nothing to do with them. If he is in when they visit he disappears upstairs, if he knows in advance he goes out to avoid them. My problem is if they visit Christmas day it is going to be obvious he is in the house. Anyone have any suggestions?

Izabella Tue 04-Dec-18 10:11:30

A few rather harsh comments on here from those [I assume, and I may be wrong] who all have children. Not everyone does like children but is it right to ridicule or label them as selfish, or whatever? Surely the solution is to leave him to his own devices rather than make an issue of the situation.

He probably thought he was OK marrying someone with grown up children and did not think through to the prospect of grandchildren. That in turn is possibly making the situation fraught for him as he will probably have no concept of the bond that exists between the OP and her grandchildren and very possibly cannot understand it.

Just another point of view - but one I came across when working - and on more than one occasion.

Blinko Tue 04-Dec-18 10:15:06

I agree with Grannyknot and M0nica. He's not going to change now, is he? There's no law that says you have to like children.

newnanny Tue 04-Dec-18 10:15:11

I hope he is not nasty to your dc when they visit. He sounds unkind and not very nice. Hates children! They probably call him 'Grumpy Grampa' or worse. Let him go to his room and I would tell children he had a headache to spare their feelings even though they probably know he hates them. Do not let him come between you and your dc and dgc.

wellwalked Tue 04-Dec-18 10:18:04

What an awful situation to be in over the Christmas time (or any time for that matter).
Is there a chance that he may have hidden feelings of inadequacy about AC in partner's life; perhaps feeling unable to match up but not able to express that except in this overtly childish way? I am not trying to justify such behaviour, but many of us whose life experiences failed to teach us how to navigate mature relationships are left with strong emotions that can cloud a troubled psyche....just sayin'

Lazigirl Tue 04-Dec-18 10:37:13

I think Grampie has a point. I wonder if this is the only area of your life with your husband which presents such major compromise Notthecatsmother? Presumably you will want your new grandchildren to be a part of your life so this will crop up frequently, not just at Christmas. Many men, and also women, are not keen on children, but for family harmony will manage to cope with it from time to time.

sarahellenwhitney Tue 04-Dec-18 10:38:53

Hate is a very strong word so find out what has made your husband dislike children. In general? or those within your family ? so you need to have a talk with him as to why he feels this way.

Theoddbird Tue 04-Dec-18 10:40:35

Would he find it that difficult to just be polite on these occasional times when they visit. Surely that is not asking too much of someone. Not as if it is every day. What happens if you go out to lunch and a family sits on table near you? Do you have to abandon your meal and leave?

Nanny41 Tue 04-Dec-18 10:46:29

Mine is simliar, he has nothing to do with his Daughter and his Grandchildren, I admit they live hundreds of miles away, but he resents my Children and my Grandchildren I think he is jealous,he stays in when they come but we are all walking on egg shells the whole time, it works but its such a strain.What makes men like this I ask.

Izabella Tue 04-Dec-18 10:50:16

Broadly speaking

'In the practice of tolerance, ones enemy is the best teacher'

Tenzin Gyatso (Dalai Lama)

GabriellaG Tue 04-Dec-18 10:50:48

It's not the OP's adult children he objects to but the grandchildren, her AC's children who might arrive with their parents.

Theoddbird Tue 04-Dec-18 10:53:07

It just occurred to it your grown up children or the baby that he hates?

tickingbird Tue 04-Dec-18 10:54:56

I think all this labelling is a bit much. Some people don’t particularly enjoy being around kids. I like children and have several grandchildren that i love but i don’t always enjoy having them around me. Also children today can be so spoilt and indulged they aren’t always pleasant to be around.

In the Op’s case i think she knew what he was like before marrying him and maybe he has never had or wanted kids. She doesn’t say how long they’ve been married or how well he knows her grown up children so it’s hard to get a handle on why he’s like this.

Would OP care to offer some more info and background on her husband?

CanOnlyTry Tue 04-Dec-18 10:56:19

I'm so very sorry but I completely understand how you must feel. It's tough being married to men like these, I know because I am as well 😢 I keep thinking it will get better but is actually getting worse. In my case, we have two gorgeous grandchildren (his grandchildren) but he has nothing to do with them - I'm the one who does all the childcare and "lovely outings and treats" with them when our DS and DiL need help. They've got to the stage now when they don't even ask after him - effectively they actually don't have a Grandad. He even commented on a recent and VERY rare outing with them that he wanted to "wring the younger ones neck"!!!
Of course you need to make your own decision re Christmas with them and everyone's comments about ignoring him are very well founded and well meant, however, I know from experience, the emotional toll it'll take on you. But don't give into him because that'll only make things worse. Take very good care of yourself during this time though. As for me, I've had enough of it all. He even derides me for treating them. I have no words other than what I've put on here - personally, my heart is broken.

CanOnlyTry Tue 04-Dec-18 10:59:44

Nanny41 (mine too - I've just responded under main thread) - I'll NEVER understand it I'm afraid 😢😢😢

Deni1963 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:13:57

My ex partner hated my kids too although made the right noises when they were around. Made for a miserable time for me who would know deep down - personally I'd have your children around and he married you knowing you had children and needs to be better at burying what he feels. I feel for you stuck in the middle.

Apricity Tue 04-Dec-18 11:16:21

It all depends on how good your relationship is in other ways. If the issue with the grandkids is the only problem and he makes himself scarce I guess that's better than hanging around and being an unpleasant grump.

Is it a really big problem if he disappears/hides upstairs on Xmas Day and leaves other people to enjoy the day? Maybe he just doesn't like the noise and hubbub when little kids are around.

Lancslass1 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:17:56

When you married him there were no children(I hate children being called kids - kids are baby goats) so Notthecatsmother didn't realise that her new husband didn't like them.
It is probably jealousy on his part.
Don't worry about it.
On 26th December you will probably be able to post a comment saying that things were not as bad as you thought.
Don't anticipate trouble which may never happen.
Enjoy your grandchildren and if he does go off in a sulk just ignore him.
It will be his loss.

ReadyMeals Tue 04-Dec-18 11:22:35

Explain the situation to your family. Tell them he's hiding upstairs when they come. Don't collude in his lie. Let them know he will probably hide upstairs at xmas too, so that they can get used to the idea, and let them know it's fine by you if he wants to be a misery and that you hope it won't put them off coming because you're looking forward to it.

Caro57 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:29:08

I’m not sure mine’s the same but he certainly doesn’t/ can’t relate to kids so keeps out of the way when mine and GKids come. DD and I just laugh about it and let him get on with his own thing. I have made it clear he can do what he wants but I will not be stopped from seeing my family either in my home or theirs

gilld69 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:34:03

oh hed be out of my life sharpish my kids and grandkids are more important than a rude man

Funkygran21 Tue 04-Dec-18 11:41:05

Does he hate all children? Or just some children? For example, some older men find noisy, lively children difficult to be with. But it sounds as if these are babies. I'm sure they are lovely, but presumably your husband has no experience of kids? Perhaps he could spend just a little time alongside them and then - if he is happiest doing his own thing, reading his books, doing the crossword, watching tv, whatever it is - then I guess for the sake of overall happiness that's the way it is. He is probably as entitled to enjoy his Christmas as everyone else. Hopefully, in time he will find that it's not that difficult, especially if he sees how it makes you happy. Meanwhile, this Christmas is going to be a bit of a challenge but I think that with careful handling all round it need not be too hard.

Gin Tue 04-Dec-18 12:02:17

I think many of you are being a little unkind in your remarks. If you are not used to children, they can be overwhelming, very noisy, messy, demanding and difficult. If a man is used to a quiet, well organised life - kids are threatening. My OH tolerates them but disappears if the noise level gets too much. He is a kind loving person who feels he has done his bit coping with three children and he was much younger then.

M0nica Tue 04-Dec-18 12:09:45

Is there really a problem here? Someone doesn't like children so he avoids them. That seems reasonable

My sister doesn't like small children and chose not to have children. We saw less of her when our DC were tiny, but they all get on very well as adults.

NanaPlenty Tue 04-Dec-18 12:16:44

I'm not sure I could live with that. Try not to let it spoil your enjoyment is all I can say.

sarahcyn Tue 04-Dec-18 12:28:48

Buy him a DVD of any one of several excellent adaptations of A Christmas Carol
Get him a nightshirt and nightcap and teach him to say "Bah! Humbug" at every opportunity