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Selfish daughter?

(39 Posts)
Bowdie Sat 22-Dec-18 19:45:02

My daughter has Left her husband and come to live with us with her children, she has been diagnosed with MH problems, but her behaviour at times is really difficult to understand and she is neglecting the children. I’m at my wits end. I am now on anti depressants as I can’t cope. She goes out all the time and just expects us to look after the children. If I didn’t bath them/wash their clothes/do their homeworkwith them it just wouldn’t be done. I’ve tried and tried to speak with her about this, but she claims I am controlling.
She has now started to smoke weed and it seems to be all consuming. She has said she’ll move out if I’m unhappy, but she can’t because the children would suffer and besides, she only works part time at minimum wage.
OH and myself were beginning to look forward to spending more time together, but now we don’t even have time to talk.
I don’t think it’s her MH that’s causing this (I discussed it with her CPN) she is just acting like a 15 year old!
I’m Absolutly exhausted both mentally and physically and have no idea what to do.
I adore my grandchildren and they have all flourished since they came to stay, but, TBH, I don’t really like my daughter at the moment.

paddyann Sat 22-Dec-18 19:52:52

I think she's ill rather than selfish,give her time to get her head sorted and see how it goes.If you dont want her to smoke ANYTHING in your home tell her thats the rule.
It sounds like she's having a bad time and is running away from reality ,not physically but emotionally by abdicating her parental duties.If she was a good mother before then she will likey come to her senses once her mental health issue is sorted

Anniebach Sat 22-Dec-18 19:58:47

May I ask if the CPN said he/she believes your daughter isn’t behaving as she is because of mental illness ?

holdingontometeeth Sat 22-Dec-18 20:07:41

Hi Bowdie, welcome to the site.
Your life seems to have been turned upside down.
To enable me to tailor my advice, please can you tell me when your daughter moved in, the ages and sex of both your daughter and her children.
Is your marriage strong enough to withstand these new found pressures that you find yourself under.
How long have you been married by the way?
The only advice I can offer at the moment is that to look on the bright side of life,things can only get better.

EllanVannin Sat 22-Dec-18 20:12:26

What MH problem has your daughter been diagnosed with ?

( if it's not too intrusive )

Bowdie Sat 22-Dec-18 20:14:25

The CPN said she thought she was “making poor choices”, though I dare say, this could be because of her poor MH.
I don’t really want to go into any personal detail - by we have been married 40 years.
I admit I am a bit of a control freak-but I don’t think I am in this instance. I am trying very hard not to be.

Bowdie Sat 22-Dec-18 20:15:37

Depression/anxiety/bulimia/self harm. The full bhuna.

Anniebach Sat 22-Dec-18 20:19:52

Sorry but I don’t understand why you think your daughters behaviour isn’t caused by her mental illness , do you not know why people self harm?

Bowdie Sat 22-Dec-18 20:26:13

I don’t really, Anniebach. I think it’s because the CPN said it was more to do with poor choices-whatever that means,

She seems to have plenty of time for her friends and to go out, but none for her children. That’s what I can’t understand. She was a great mum and this has totally changed, she has sent the kids to school with no breakfast and wearing some of her clothes. She forgets everything to do with the kids appointments and school activities. I feel like I am a mum to them. They actually call me mum- especially the youngest.

EllanVannin Sat 22-Dec-18 20:29:30

Bowdie, well it sounds serious enough to me for your daughter to get a second opinion. What medication is she taking----do you know ?
Her " behaviour " is all part and parcel of her illness and right now she's very vulnerable.

EllanVannin Sat 22-Dec-18 20:36:38

Post-natal depression is something I'm thinking of and if left untreated or un-diagnosed can manifest itself into post-partum psychosis which is treated with anti-psychotic drugs or injections.

EllanVannin Sat 22-Dec-18 20:37:50

Symptoms are as you describe.

Bowdie Sat 22-Dec-18 20:44:43

Youngest grandchild is 7, so I don’t think it’s PND.

I also think she is very vulnerable, but nothing I say seems to make any difference. She has entered into relationships with a number of people since she came here-I think through a dating app. She agrees she’s vulnerable, but is not taking care. She went to meet someone she had only met online, by getting them to come to the house and she left in their car. It was such a stupid thing to do! When I said this, she just laughed,

Anniebach Sat 22-Dec-18 20:47:00

She is very vunerable, she is mentally ill, please get help for her, please

EllanVannin Sat 22-Dec-18 20:51:38

PND can occur many years later. Ask any professional. Your daughter needs help before her condition worsens.

Iam64 Sat 22-Dec-18 21:20:21

There is a CPN involved, so some ‘help’ is already available to focus on diagnosed mental health problems. Smoking weed may have been self medication but will make things worse. That may be one of the poor choices the CPN is referring to.
The OP is left in a parental rather than grandparent role, is now on anti depressants and says she can’t cope. There are four children in the middle of this.
Can the children’s father offer practical financial and emotional help, or is he part of the problem.
It isn’t only children’s mother in need of help here. What do you want to happen OP and how do you think that could be achieved?

mumofmadboys Sat 22-Dec-18 21:44:42

Can the CPN help arrange a social worker? Perhaps if your DD had her own place she would look after the children better and you could offer help at a distance. I wish you well. Difficult situation.

holdingontometeeth Sat 22-Dec-18 22:18:04

What sort of illness is the “ full Bhuna “ as you describe Bowdie?
It sounds very serious!

agnurse Sun 23-Dec-18 00:01:58

Yikes. I don't necessarily think her behaviour is linked to MH, with the exception of the weed. It's not uncommon for people with MH issues to develop a "dual diagnosis" or "concurrent disorder" that is a substance use issue. It's theorized that this is a form of self-medication.

I do think it would be prudent for you to go to family counselling with her. She needs to understand that she's still Mum and that means she's responsible for her children.

I also agree with seeing if the children's father could get involved. Is he seeing them? (Depending on the laws in your area, generally he should be seeing them unless there's a reason for him not to be, for example abuse.) Is he in a position to care for them if she's not willing to do so?

Lynne59 Sun 23-Dec-18 00:47:57

She's got depression etc., and yet smokes weed and she drinks - both of which will add to her mental health, not ease it.

Your daughter would probably lose the children if not for you and your husband helping her out. Is there a way that you can make her sit down and talk about the harm she's doing to herself, the children, and to you and your husband?

I take it she doesn't pay towards anything at your house? With a part-time job at minimum wage, I'm guessing you don't charge her any board? If not, you're enabling her to go out drinking and buying her drugs.

You perhaps ought to think about getting legal guardianship of your grandchildren - your daughter isn't being a mother at all. Is the father around/paying towards looking after them?

BlueBelle Sun 23-Dec-18 06:50:36

Unfortunately the drinking and drugs will be masking her mental health almost impossible for a CPN to do any valuable work with her they will not even be able to make a proper diagnosis while drugs are involved and any meds she’s taking for depression probably won’t be of any use that is if she’s even remembering to take them

Well poor choices is not hard to define Bowdie it’s everything she’s doing basically drinking, drugs, meeting strange men, and putting herself into vulnerable situations

Counselling could help her as she needs to find the ‘good mum’ you have described from before obviously the break up has dipped her into a ‘I don’t care about anything’ mode
She actually needs someone to help her find that part of her again but counselling would need her to be drug free too so I would have thought that s the part you have to get help with first
In the meantime can you recruit any family members to help take some of the children’s needs of your shoulders are there out of school clubs or other young people’s groups to give you some breaks Does your husband get involved and help you Can you talk to someone before you go under
Very very hard for you as your daughter is unravelling before your eyes and we all love our kids whatever they do x

sodapop Sun 23-Dec-18 09:03:26

Whilst having every sympathy with your daughter, I think your priority needs to be the welfare of your grandchildren. Your daughter is an adult and making poor choices, I agree with Lynne don't enable her to continue in this way. It's hard to see this happening to our children, I hope things improve soon Bowdie

David1968 Sun 23-Dec-18 09:23:10

Bowie, there's loads of good advice here so I won't dwell on your DD. But about your DGC - you don't say how many GC or their ages. If the youngest is seven, then I think it's reasonable to encourage them to help in the home as much as possible. They could take responsibility for their own bedrooms, make beds, help with general cleaning and shopping, as well as emptying the bins, setting/clearing the table, and washing-up. (Plus loading/unloading the dishwasher, if you have one.) This could help you to feel less tired as well as developing your GC's "life skills" and independence, alongside making them feel they are valued members of your household. (Even if they complain!)

David1968 Sun 23-Dec-18 09:24:00

Sorry Bowdie. (Not Bowie!)

BlueBelle Sun 23-Dec-18 09:32:40

I also agree with David the kids are 7 upwards so should be helping Make a game out of it have star charts or picture of stairs to climb for the younger ones they usually raise to a bit of competition The older ones should like to have some responsibility with a treat at the end of the week Encourage your husband (if he doesn’t already) to perhaps take the older ones out at the weekend and if there are other family members around don’t be afraid to ask for breaks You can’t do it all alone or you will break then who has the kids
Your daughter will have to get what help she can for herself and until she’s ready to engage with that help there is nothing you can do’s so so hard to watch our lovely kids struggle